Dear Bubbie. . .

Understanding The Age Old Questions

2011-08-09T17:28:00.000-07:00

"I wish I could stay 21 forever. But I won't ever be old in my heart or in my mind." - Dolly Parton

I just wanted to strangle the Publix bag woman after what she had just done. No, she didn't pack the cake in upside down. She didn't squash the tomatoes or put a ton of heavy items in one bag.

What she did do was offer to help my 80-something year old Mother to walk, while I accompanied her from the grocery store. My mother and I both wondered why the bagger instructed my Mom to grab hold of the shopping cart "like this". We thought she was leaving us to do something else.

Instead it was merely a kind gesture because she feared my Mother couldn't make it down the ramp without hanging onto something. Mom laughed and said: "Oh, I don't need to hang onto the cart."

I was a little more aghast, exclaiming: "Sheesh! She can walk! She's in excellent shape."

The Bubbies on the DearBubbie Facebook page didn't understand what I described as an "irate reaction". "The bagger was only being nice. One day, we too, will need help."

Absolutely.

I was just a tad insulted that the bagger didn't take a couple of things into consideration. Like:

A. I'm not going to let my Mother fall. Why did the bagger (a stranger) think that I would be so overconscientious and leave the safety of my Mom to her? Follow my lead. I wasn't worried. She didn't have to worry.

B. My Mom was walking fine. Do some profiling. Don't assume because she has grey hair that she needs a helping hand.

C. Not only did she assume my Mom needed help, but she instructed Mom to hold onto the cart like it was a walker.

The bagger was not exactly a Spring chicken. I wonder how she would have felt if I very nicely told her: "Now, you hold tight to the handle, like this, so we make sure you make it safely to the car."

Anyway. Poor Mom. On her birthday, she was denied a new driver's license. For an older person, what possibly could spell a loss of independence more than not being able to drive? (I can't imagine how I'd feel except I'd imagine I'd slip into a deep depression. I would not age gently into that good night.)

The first time we went grocery shopping, I did everything wrong. I answered the clerk's questions for Mom. I took charge. I helped.

And boy, while she never said anything, I know my Mother. She resented the Hell out of it. We can read our parents like a book.

So, this time around, I was there for the fun of shopping. As we chatted, it was an excursion I considered a success. Age was not an issue - we were two gals grocery shopping.
The clerk exchanged friendly banter with Mom and the bag lady just started walking our cart outside.

Once outside, that's when she instructed Mom to grab the handle of the cart.

When I was a teenager, my Mother never talked down to me because I was young. She never told me "NO" without an explanation. She never said: "You're too young to understand." She knew that I still had half a brain, even at 16 years old. She looked past my youth and saw a person.

As an adult, I owe it to her to look past her age. She is NOT an age. She is a person who has earned respect. She owned a successful business for 25 years. She raised a family and buried a husband. She keeps in shape by gardening and swimming. She takes immaculate care of her house and her cat. She is not 'cute' or 'adorable'. She is full of wisdom that is worth taking seriously.

Legally, she isn't supposed to drive. But damn it, bag woman at Publix, she can walk.

At the age of 8, Michael Kearney, a home schooled prodigy completed an Associate of Science degree in geology while at Santa Rosa Junior College. He would then go on to graduate with a bachelor’s degree in anthropology from University of South Alabama at 10, a master’s in biochemistry from Middle Tennessee State University at 14, and another master’s – this time in computer science - from Vanderbilt at 17.

At 61 years old, Diana Nyad attempted to swim from Cuba to the Florida Keys.

At 65 years old, Dolly Parton bought the record company that said she was too old to make CD's.

At 80 years old, Nick Bollettieri jumped out of an airplane.

All I'm saying is to treat each individual as a person - not an age. Don't clump all youth or seniors into a stereotype. Because when you do that, DearBubbie becomes irate.

Hijacking a Facebook Wall

2011-06-15T05:47:00.000-07:00

While this thread was supposed to revolve around a teen's angst over having her Mom take away driving privileges, I got bombarded with private messages about the wall being hijacked. While I believe people SHOULD be able to speak their mind, there is a certain amount of 'arrogance' by people who post SO LONG thinking their thoughts are so important, interesting and helpful that they ramble.

While it had always been my intention that ANYONE is free to skip over LONG posts, I was told it was like slowing down a chapter in a book. It's a turn-off. That DearBubbie needed to control HER wall. If people like to go on and on - let them do it on their OWN wall.

Because I don't like to rock the boat, I went to MY DearBubbie - my mother. She was appalled and just said that she saw it as inconsiderate to other people on the wall. She felt it discouraged others from reading all the rest of the posts - and to give others a chance to give their heartfelt opinions.

When I heard the word inconsiderate and from another Bubbie, the word "hijacking a thread", I knew I had to speak up.

The thing is - we've all been there, done that. When we're passionate about a subject - we tend to ramble. Guess what? When we ramble, we actually LOSE our audience, our voice - than if we keep it crisp and concise.

So, I stated on the DearBubbie Facebook Page that we have to make LONG posts, the exception, not the rule. We've already had one Bubbie threaten to leave the wall. I hate the arrogance of what I NEED to say next, but: MY WALL, MY RULES. For everyone's sake and for the consideration of others - we need to edit ourselves better (myself definitely included) to be a louder voice and encourage ALL voices.

After looking a the below thread - do you agree or disagree?

‎"I am going to be 17 on August 20th and have been saving to buy my own car. Most of my friend's parents bought them cars when they turned 16. They say once I save $1,000.00 - they'll buy me a used car and I'll be in charge of insurance, gas and upkeep. . ‎"In the meantime, I've been using Mom's car, but now I've been banned from using it because I've been letting my friend Marcia drive it. This is "until further notice". Is this fair? They like Marcia! Mom just doesn't like to share and n...ow I walk everywhere or a friend picks me up. I have barely talked to Mom as punishment for close to two weeks. She won't listen to me! And she is insured for other drivers. Why is she making such a big deal over this? Daddy says he's staying out of this one."

Kelly: Yes this is fair. It is Mom's car. When you have your own car and are taking care of it yourself, including the insurance, then you can allow anyone you want to drive your car. Mom likely knows that teens aren't the most experienced drivers and would like to protect the investment she has made.

Liz: When someone lets you use something of theirs, you do not loan it other people without their permission. I'm tempted to ignore the feeling you seem to have (although I might be wrong) that you deserve to be given a car because you born. Sorry, but I'm not going to. Just because your friends parents gave their kids cars does not mean that your parents have to, or should.

Vicki: Mom's car is mom's car. When you are paying for insurance on your car that you bought with your hard earned money you can decide if you want to let your friend Marcia drive your car. You want your mom to respect your things; than respect her things. And girlfriend set yourself some boundries and tell your girlfriend to get her own stuff.

DearBubbie: Pretend that it was your cellphone and you were giving it to Mom - even though you wanted to use it. And then she gives it to one of her friends to use. However, a cellphone can't kill someone. She's liable if something happened to Marcia. Life changing for her because you didn't think everything through. There's more - but I'll leave this forum for the others (for now).

Lisa: Sorry - no sympathy from me either. You are still a minor you still live under their roof and as much as you think you know- your Mom knows more. You should not have let your friend drive your MOM"S car. She was doing you a favor by lett...ing you drive it in the first place. You need to learn to respect your parents rules. They are there for a reason. Suck it up and show your parents you are maturing and handle your business and deal with the consequences of your actions like the adult you want to be treated as.Mary: One thing I learned about Mom's a long time ago is that you have to do SPECIFICALLY what they ask. I am sure that Mom set down rules for her car and what she expected from you. You screwed up. Best thing you could do right now is grovel at ...her feet and apologize over and over. If you want to be treated as an adult, act like one. I have bad news for you babe, "punishing" Mom by not talking to her is acting like a spoiled brat. In Mom's eyes, you are just showing her how immature you still are.
Mary: And giving her peace and quiet. Thats not a bad thing for most Mom's, trust me.
.

Chris: yes, what Mary said! My husband and i were making my Step Daughter's car payment from the time she was 18-20. She has always been a bit disrespectful to her Dad and when she got married in her early 20's the disrespect grew. Her Dad trie...d calling her about some important things and for 6 months this young lady did not bother to call her Father back. He said, "just wait, I will skip a car payment and when she gets the letter from the bank she will call." (The loan is in her name/we cosigned for her.) Not only did she call, BUT proceeded to chastise, swear at and berate her Father for not making her payment and not bothering to tell her! Getting the picture here yet, Miss 17 yr old? So , a simple call she could have made telling Dad she was sorry for being so disrespectful of someone that was paying for her car, just got done paying for some extra schooling, and a list of other things.... turned into a bigger headache for her. Dad STOPPED the car payment and told her she and her husband could be responsible adults and pay themselves. More swearing and name calling by her....hmmmm, so mature. He even sent her a text saying all she needed to do was return her Dad's calls once in awhile and show a little respect. She threatened to ruin his credit. Well,that would have been even more silly on her part because the bank would take away her car (all over a $100 payment per month on a nice SUV.)So Miss 17 year old, "don't bite the hand that feeds you." Learn some maturity and APOLOGIZE to your Mom who was doing you not only a favor, but treating you like an adult when she allowed YOU to borrow her car. YOU broke her trust and made the mistake. NOT your MOM! I am not for one minute saying that Mom's and Dad's are perfect~all parent's make mistakes, BUT show her that you can be mature and LEARN from your mistakes. And even if your parent's make a "blunder" here and there, they are still your parents and deserve some care and respect for all the hard years of raising a child. YOU will understand exactly how they feel one day when you have your own child and you realize how much your parents LOVE you and want nothing but great things for their daughter. The last thing they want is to get a call from the police or hospital saying their daughter was in an accident and a friend was driving the car. It is hard enough for a parent to give the keys to an automobile to their child~they worry for your safety every time you turn the key.My Dad owned an auto body business and saw many cars with the blood of teenagers. When i got the chance to drive any car at your age, there was a LIST of rules. I always respected them. You are sounding like a whiny, spoiled brat in your letter, even though you think you saved $1000. Big deal. Cars cost way more than that and your insurance will cost you more than that in a year along with the gas you put in it. You don't have the first clue. I do congratulate you on saving that money. But it does not ENTITLE you to anything. $1000 right now in the difficult economy that we all live in means food on some families tables and a roof over their head for just a month. Learn some priorities quickly while you still have the chance to live in a safe house with parents that support and care for you.If you were my child, a bicycle is what you would be riding for awhile if you were treating me like you are treating your Mom. Your friends that get cars given to them... well I hope they show their parent's love and respect for it. I can guess that many of them don't. Welcome to the real world Miss teenager.

January: I agree with all the above. But, people why do we give our kids expensive gifts? We are making them into spoiled, entitled brats! Teach them the value of a dollar, and that you have to work hard for what you want. Cars kill people, teach them to take that seriously. They will become better adults.

Sharon: This will teach you responsibility and teach you that as with anything in life, it means more if you earn it yourself and you will gain the respect of your family and friends. It is the first step of becoming a responsible adult.

Natalie: DITTO DITTO DITTO TO ALL THE ABOVE. I dont know how you expected to hear anything but this. And this too shall pass.

Chris: I agree, January. I told my husband his biggest fault as a parent in my humble opinion was spoiling the hell out of his only child. He loves his daughter so much and gave her everything he could possibly afford for her. And... the only person his daughter really 'hurts" with her actions is herself. His feelings are hurt often by his daughter, but he has learned that he needs to let her "grow up" and learn from her mistakes. She has a child now and she will have some eye openers for sure.Mary: I have to add here. NEVER will I ever buy my child a car. If they want a car, they can get a job and pay for it and the responsibilities that go along with it. No help or handouts from me. This is the real world. No one else pays for our cars or houses, insurance, food etc. Get used to it

Chris: Psst Mary... send that cute little Caleb my way and I will buy him a car! LOL! I just love him! Well maybe not a car, but a horse anyway.

Mary: NO way, can you imagine him in a car? I have told him for years that when he gets old enough, and gets a job and saves the money, I will allow him to BUY my old truck from me and he can fix it up and drive it. (He loves that old truck) I am hoping that will keep him busy until he is about 110...

Chris:
See Miss Teen? See how mean Mary is to her children out of love? Her young boy Caleb is one of the most caring and respectful boys to adults I have ever met. And he is gorgeous and will be a lady's man... well he already is with m...e. :)Really young lady.... parents only want the best for their kids. And yes, we all make mistakes. My parents did, their's did (believe me, I know this because my 93/94 year old Grandparents live with me and I hear the stories now!) We all may be sounding harsh to you, but seriously, YOU NEEDED a dose of reality and your disrespect rings loud and clear in your letter

Mary: I might let him have a horse....

Chris: OH, and back to the lest sentence in this letter writer's note!! Daddy is staying out of this one??? Come on parents!!! You are a team no matter what! And I am sure Little Miss Teen is just playing up to Daddy big time. Why does one pa...rent have to be the "enforcer?" My parents never let us see their disagreements about issues with the kids. All parents have them. BUT once a child sees this.... it makes the job as a parent that much tougher.

Janet: What if you loaned Marcia your iPad, then she loaned it to another friend of hers who you like, but don't really hang around with? But...you LIKE Marcia's other friend! Now, you get your iPad back, and tell Marcia she's on suspension from borrowing anything of yours. Should Marcia 'punish' you by snubbing you, and give you the silent treatment?

Chris: By the way, I meant to emphasize that I didn't come into my Step Daughter's life until she was a senior in HS. I saw the discord between her parents. My husband always had to be the "bad guy" because Mom wanted to be the daughter's friend.... She didn't have any more respect for her Mother in the long run. Parents divorced when she was 17 when Mom left and daughter continued to manipulate the differences for as long as she could. Both my husband and I had so much empathy for her and tried "to walk in her shoes" but found out we were very much getting stepped on by her shoes. Some children just need time to learn and move on and grow up. They don't see the hurt everyone feels, it is only "poor me syndrome." The letter writer is surely "hurting" her Mom's feelings by not talking to her, but she is being a Mom... stinks that those kinds of consequences are part of being a good parent.

Chris: funny Janet, we tried similar examples with my step daughter. I hope the letter writer "wakes up."

Janet: The teen years are the 'all about me' years. She'll grow up some day. We all did.

Chris: well some of us adults did Janet... some don't. LOL!

Mary: One of this girls problems IS that the parents are not a united force. My husband and I don't always agree (I am stricter than he is) But NEVER do my kids see or hear that!!

Chris: I am going to give this young lady another example. Last night friends of mine visited~the man is a police officer here in KY. His good friend is grieving for the loss of their 23 yr old son (that still lived at home). Dad told him he ha...d to sell his motorcycle because he caught his son doing wheelies down the road and he had a reputation for speeding... the son agreed and apologized to Dad for not being responsible as a motorcyclist. The son sold it and took it for one last spin and the boy (man, adult... whatever, this man's son) not only took it out for one last spin, but was speeding (against Dad's rules) and took out a mailbox in a curve and it was his "last ride" in or on anything. (I must say I AM NOT AGAINST MOTORCYCLES!!! I have been riding for years~but laws, parent's rules and safety are there for a reason!!! Riders like that, make the safe ones look bad.) I shed some tears for the parents and said prayers for them last night.Young lady~your parents have rules especially when you start driving for reasons. Accidents sadly are a part of life, but when you are irresponsible and don't follow your parents rules, things can and will most likely go wrong. You may not understand the reason for a rule yet, give it time, you will. Hopefully you will learn without a lot of bad judgement and mistakes of your own... learn from other's mistakes!

Lisa: I agree with everything said here... but I also want to say that your mom is responsible for whatever happens to any person in that vehicle. IF that girl had gotten into an accident her parents could sue your mom then your family could lose... everything. how would you feel about that??? she trust you with her car, probably because she feels like you are responsible and trustworthy but you screwed that up by allowing someone else to drive her car... not responsible. You put yourself and others lives in the hands of your friend and caused your mom to be unknowingly responsible for that girls actions. Ireegardless of how she feels about liking the girl does not mean she trusts her driving. Many states have laws now that teens can only have 1 passenger under the age of 21 in the vehicle and are not allowed to drive after 10 pm. personally I think they should have to have their permit for a few years to get practice with their parents ONLY before even being allowed to get their liscenes!!!!

Lisa: In 2008, drivers 16 - 24 years of age constituted 14 percent of all drivers yet were involved in 36.3 percent of all crashes and 31.6 percent of fatal crashes.... also I WOULD BE FURIOUS if my kids' friend allowed them to drive without a parents permission. so how does marcia's mom feel about this??

CB: You people spent an inordinate amount of time dealing with this question, given that it is from a 16-year-old who, by definition, is immature and self-absorbed, and, therefore, is only writing to an advice column in the hope that someone wi...ll agree with her and she can wave it under her mother's nose as "proof" she's being too harsh. The correct answer is, "You're not only too young to drive, you're obviously too young to be trusted, too, and if I had my way the parents of all your spoiled friends would be in jail for endangering the public by turning them into mechanized death machines. Anything else you want advice about???"

DearBubbie: I loved what EVERYONE had to say, but I'm 50! If I were a kid, I'd have lost interest after the first sentence of each comment. Starting a sentence in a scolding way probably isn't the best way to get one's point across to a teen. I just hope she says to her Mom that she 'gets it" now and understands and will take her due punishment. (But that's only if she really DOES get it.)

Gordon: This is the first slam dunk I can remember ever in Dear Bubbie, loaning a parents car is tantamount to loaning a loaded gun, and furthermore don't ever give a female minor a $1000 car these days unless its a meticulously maintained vehicle formerly owned by a relative or close family friend, and always get your daughter AAA plus no matter what it costs..
14 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Cb: My point is that the kid doesn't WANT advice. So don't waste another second of your life trying to figure out the right way or wrong way to "get through" to young people. This is not a case that's worth the energy.

Chris: I hope she did learn some things from this and will take it "like an adult" and not like a whipping. A smart teen is few and far between but there are some out there.

DearBubbie on Facebook

2011-05-08T05:30:00.001-07:00

Hopefully, we can try to do a better job of updating this page. But otherwise, all our DearBubbie fodder can be found on Facebook. Which is ONE WORD - DearBubbie. If you have a problem you'd like the Bubbies to put their minds on (and thus VAST opinions on how to help), you can write to: DearBubbie@yahoo.com

Sunsets Across America Photo Contest/Exhibit

2011-02-19T05:26:00.000-08:00

Here's our card with information. . .

National Sunsets Across America Photo Contest

2011-02-19T05:13:00.000-08:00

DearBubbie has had a full plate this past year (and she's been licking it clean, literally and metaphorically). Therefore, this blog has taken a back seat to a full-time job as a business owner, part-time job as DearBubbie, and other incidentals - like being a tennis player, wife and mother to pets.

You can find DearBubbie and all the Bubs and Bubbies at DearBubbie (that's ONE word) on Facebook. We hope you'll like enough to click "LIKE". We've been described as the Social Network's Answer to Ann Landers - and hope you can stop by. Soon, we will be updating this blog with 'reprints' from that page.

However, in the meantime, we're working on: "Sunsets Across America (and beyond...) Photo Contest/Exhibit" to be held in Sarasota, Florida on April 2 (rain date is April 9). We are hoping to get a susnset photograph from every state in the U.S. (Makes sense right?)

Everyone can participate - we'll be having separate categories for amateurs and professionals. And there is an Submission fee - but it's LOW compared to other shows. It's $20.00 to enter one photo. After that, $15.00. In most shows, they're considered 'juried exhibits'. That means, you enter, but your piece might NOT be accepted for viewing by the public. NOT SO in this case. Everybody's work will have a chance to be seen.

We have specials for people who post info on this contest on their blogs or websites or facebook pages. Just write to us at: Bubalexy@comcast.net for more info. We are trying our BEST to get this all on our website TODAY. Below is our press release for our event. . .we hope to hear from you. And on Facebook, look for JULIE LONDON PICTURE FRAMING and 'click like' for forthcoming details.

For Immediate Release

February 16, 2011

Contact: Julie London
(941) 921-5096

Sunsets Across America and Beyond
Photo Contest/Exhibit

Julie London Picture Framing, located in Sarasota, FL, is accepting all submissions now through March 25 for their "Sunsets Across America (and beyond)" Photo Contest/Exhibit. Cash prizes, a cruise and gift certificates will be awarded in different categories for professionals and amateurs. Organizers hope to have at least one photo from every state in the U.S.

All entries will be displayed and put up for sale for either the participant or participant's charity. The exhibit takes place at the frame shop in Sarasota, Florida on April 2, 2011 (rain date, April 11). Over 1,000 entries are expected to compete. Judges include former Ringling School of Art faculty member, Bill Buchman.

Entry rules will be posted beginning February 19 at the www.julielondonpictureframing.com website or can be obtained by e-mailing: bubalexy@comcast.net. For further information, call 941-921-5096.

Part FIVE - The Happy Ending

2010-11-20T01:48:00.000-08:00

Oh, Dear Bubbie –

Well, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you and all the other Bubbies for your words of encouragement and support. You really helped me through this and for that I am truly appreciative.

It turns out that the threats were more psychological games, because when it came down to it, he did NOT insist on ½ of everything. His main concern was child support, which I will not be asking for because a) I won’t get it anyway if he isn’t working (the mediator said that, given his recent history and his appearance and his unpreparedness for the meeting, she doubted he’d be holding a job any time soon), and b) I can make a request at a later date and pursue child support if I find out he has become employed and is making a decent wage (both my attorney and the mediator told me that I can pursue it later even if the agreement now says “no child support”).

In addition to his fears about child support (and I think that was his main concern), he also managed to accrue over $60000 in debt totally unbeknownst to me. Yep. In addition to the $20,000 that I have to eat (I’ll have pay it when the house sells and lose most of my profit), he also incurred a bunch more debt that I never knew about. No wonder the man has an ulcer that won’t heal!!!

He had borrowed multiple times against an old life insurance policy he has and owes $18,000 for his loans; he was overpaid disability wages AFTER he recuperated and began working before we got married and during our first two or so years together (he always told me this was just a couple thousand, and he would never tell me the entire amount because he knew I’d be “upset”) and now owes the government over $20,000; he took out a student loan for his oldest son from his first marriage, never made payments on it and now owes $8000; he hid some medical bills that he thought we were covered by insurance but were not, so rather than tell me about it, he hid them, and that’s another $3,000; he owes back child support to his ex to the tune of $4,200 he owes $4,000 for some computer equipment he bought before he and I were married; and various other smaller debts.

This all came to light after I had presented what I thought were all of our household debts and assets, and the mediator asked him if he knew of any more debts. He said yes, and he proceeded to go through his files and find each of these. My jaw hit the floor with each announcement. I just kept saying, “I never knew.” I have NO idea what the hell he did with the money, because I was paying all the household expenses. I’m clueless.

Last night, he kept trying to justify it by saying he “had to borrow money to try to pay off some medical expenses” because he knew we were hurting for money due to his lack of a decent income, and that he had to help his son when he kept begging him to take a student loan for him. He kept insisting it was “perfectly okay” to conduct himself this way because he “was never going to let this affect” me. He was going to see to it that I was never liable for any of it. Um, IT’S CONSIDERED MARITAL DEBT, YOU ASS! He just kept insisting that I would never have been on the hook for any of it (bullshit) so I didn’t need to be aware of it.

He tried telling the mediator that he really wanted to take my son with him to CA, but that he wouldn’t do that because I’m a good mother. Like my son would ever go with him, and like he could ever take care of him when he can’t even care for himself. The last couple times he was supposed to watch him, he didn’t even feed him lunch, and I found my son swimming unsupervised one day while the idiot was supposed to be watching him. He will always deny that my son has issues with him and that he has told various teachers that he doesn’t like his dad much and doesn’t feel “safe” with him. He is in such total denial about everything in his life.

So, because he picked that arbitrary date of 12/11,I told him I was going to have him removed, he now has to stick with it. He has to pack up his shit, ship it, and get out. I had to pay him $4,000 so he can ship his belongings and cover other expenses, and I buy him a ticket as I originally offered (with a limit on it of $200), and he goes. The day cost me close to $30,000 all in all, but it’s worth it to be rid of the insanity. AND, if I find out he’s working later on, I can try to collect child support, so his big ace in the hole may not turn out to be such a big win after all.

I ran to the bank yesterday afternoon and cashed in an IRA, got cashier’s checks to pay the lawyer to handle the filing (I don’t have the time, and she’ll get it on the docket immediately), and I paid him his lousy $4,000 last night and had him sign a receipt for it. The lawyer says she may have this done by Christmas. Merry Christmas to me!

I am relieved. I spoke with a good friend of mine this morning, and he said I sound lighter already and the life and happiness is returning to my voice. This person has known me since 7th grade, so he has been there (although long distance) every step of the way. He has watched him go from a “normal,” functioning human being to a psychotic, delusional mess, and he’s been a real sanity check for me at times. Only a handful of people knew what was really going on, as his old friends and family up north were totally convinced by him that I was cheating and doing all sorts of things I couldn’t possibly have been doing, but they all believed him and he always sounded “fine” when they spoke with him. This whole experience was like being trapped inside a big soundproof bubble and screaming at the top of your lungs, but nobody could hear.

On to the next chapter, huh? The only thing he did for me on a daily basis was sit home all day and let my dogs out, so that’s my only real concern now -- how to get the dogs let out without having to run home at lunchtime every day. Tells you how much of a contribution he made in the scheme of the household operations.

I can NOT believe all that has transpired this week. Thank goodness that mediator was able to get him to agree on everything. My only loss is the child support. I’ve got my son (with visits allowed ONLY in our city of residence and at a site chosen by me, and he can NOT drive with him in his car, and I made added a special clause that my son is not allowed to fly to visit his father anywhere until he’s 18, so he MUST come here), and I’ll have peace in my house again. Come on, December 9th! Can’t come fast enough for me!

Thank you, thank, you, thank you!

DearBubbie follow-up to letter writer

Jody, I am in tears.

While he's a classic case of an abuser, YOU are one unusual woman. You have exhibited such FOCUS and CLARITY. I am speechless at what you achieved.

I can't wait to reprint all of this. You know what, Jody? If you can get through what you got through yesterday - you really CAN do anything. If you said, I want to be a millionaire - with ALL MY HEART, I believe you could be. Jody, you don't just talk the talk - you WALK THE WALK.

Do you realize what you accomplished? Do you have any idea? You TOOK back your life. You got your life back and saved your son. I don't think you realize the magnitude of your achievement. This is better than graduating from college. THIS is one hell of a story. . .and I can't WAIT for the next wonderful chapter.

Kudos to the att'y. . she facilitated this. Shocking. Well done. Cost you $30grand? That's ONE year of college. You got your life back, Jody. Tread lightly around the house. December 11 IS right around the corner. Be cool. Don't show your cards. LOVE yourself, your Mom, your son and your renewed life.

Congratulations, Jody. I'm in disbelief. You're my inspiration. And you'll be one for others, too.

Part Four: She Dreads Going Home Every Day

2010-11-20T01:34:00.000-08:00

First, I’m calling the lawyer I met with before to set up an appointment for tomorrow. My mother actually got so uncontrollably upset by the events this weekend that SHE put in a call to the lawyer on her cell, which is for “emergencies only.” The att'y told her she wants to get moving in light of the events of late regarding the girlfriend, so she wants me to fill out some planning forms today and see her tomorrow. I will give her this chance to change my mind about her being in “my court.” As I said, she’s tough, but I just didn’t get the impression last time that she would do anything to protect me and fight for me, and that she was going to just play by the book and watch me hand over a portion of everything I own when the lousy S.O.B. doesn’t deserve a penny.

I don’t mind at all if you post my stuff for the other Bubbies. I have always loved reading some of the great advice they give, which is why I decided to solicit your opinion on all this. I know you remove specifics and protect my identity, so go for it!

I am fortunate that my DH has his next victim lined up, because he is willing to go to her, however, his sister has given him the advice that he should wait until we have a meeting with a mediator to discuss child custody arrangements and other issues, so he said he can’t go until that happens. I told him that may be quite a ways down the line, but that is what he is saying now.

On the other hand, he and his “friend” have chosen December 11 as the day he can fly to be with her. No, I do not know the significance of the 9th, but they picked a day. So, I asked him, “if you’ve picked a date, does that mean I’m supposed to buy you a one-way ticket out of here?” He said yes. I told him that I’m not making any such purchase if he is going to insist that he first attend a meeting with the mediator, and I certainly cannot guarantee that a meeting will happen prior to Dec. 11. So, the good news is he’s willing to go, and he will be FAR away, but the bad news is that he has been advised not to go until after that meeting.

He said he knows he won’t be able to afford to return for quite some time once he gets out there, so he wants to have the meeting while he can and let me handle the court appearances for the divorce myself. I’ll see what the lawyer says about all this. I have my own list of what I’m willing to do, and I’m not eating the debt I’ve had to incur as a result of HIM not contributing unless he’s willing to make a major concession on his part, and I’m sure you can guess what that is.

It was quite a weekend with him and his ongoing head games. He does little things to annoy, like turning the TV back on every time I turn it off (because NOBODY is in the room and nobody is watching it). He turns it on, then goes and sits on the lanai. I turn it off. He walks back in and turns it on, then walks back out and sits on the lanai. He is such a child. I have the house on the market, so I’m always trying to keep the clutter picked up. He has a slew of stomach medicines because of the ulcer, like Tums, Brioschi, and some prescription antacids. I cleared all of this off the vanity and off the top of the medicine cabinet months ago to keep the bathroom looking neat. This weekend, he went back to his old habit of storing all these bottles across the top of the medicine cabinet. I saw them on Saturday and took them down. The next time he used the bathroom, he put them back up. I took them down and asked him to leave them down because it looked so sloppy. He put them back up.

This went on all weekend. I asked him again this morning to PLEASE Keep them down so the bathroom looks neater. He always has to get defensive and accuse me of something when I ask him to do something, so his response was, “why? You have a few bottles on your dresser, so what’s the difference?” I said, “having a couple of decorative lotion or spray bottles on the dresser doesn’t look sloppy because they’re attractive. Bottles of Brioschi and prescriptions stomach meds are NOT decorative and having them lined up all across the medicine cabinet is NOT attractive. It’s messy and the clultter does not look good when the house is shown.“ This is just another example of how he likes to annoy and push buttons. Like a child seeking negative attention because it’s better than none.

I started having computer problems this weekend, and I can’t prove it’s him, but I’d bet money on it. He was probably trying to make sure I couldn’t do my online banking because he didn’t want me to see the money he spent last week. He spent about $250 last week on sandwiches and other food items (even though we have a house full of food), cigarettes ($50 a carton and I’ve been asking him to quit for years for health reasons and financial ones), some stuff at Walmart, and he bought himself a computer web cam. Yep, bought a web cam when I’m struggling to pay the bills. I asked him how he can possibly justify these purchases when I’m not even able to make ends meet, and he got into some strange twisting conversation about his stomach and the phone and how he didn’t talk to “her” yesterday. Never answers the question at hand. He’s spent $500 the past month on “stuff.” You can bet I have copies of the transaction list to take to the lawyer, too. Talking to him is a real mind-blower sometimes. When he‘s guilty of something, he’ll get off on any other tangent he can think of to try and derail the conversation. I just started laughing it was so ridiculous. There is NO talking logic with him whatsoever.

As to your concern about the therapy, my son doesn’t mind at all so far. He is just warming up to her and has only started to open up about his feelings, and so far he has just cracked that door open ever so slightly. I also got him started there so she can work with his mild ADD issues, so she’s content focusing on the ADD until he feels like talking more. He did draw a hell of a picture, however, where he had me, him and our pets at one end of two sheets of paper that HE stapled together, and he drew his father way down at the other end away from everyone else. Of course he stuck a big ol’ cigarette in his dad’s mouth ‘cause he’s always out on the lanai smoking while we’re inside doing “real” stuff like homework, playing games or watching movies. It was quite a telling picture. The psychotherapist who was in the room at the time just said, “Wow.”

Well, wish me luck tomorrow, and I will heed your warning about not doing too much at once. I’ve got a ton of stuff to deal with even if I can get him out and get some peace of mind. That would be the first step, and I’ll take it a step at a time after that.
Thanks again, and I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Ugh. I dread going home today. There’s nothing worse than hating to go to your own home every day.

Hugs to you for all your support.

HER NEXT LETTER: UGH SHE DREADS THIS MEETING

Hi, my dearest Bubbie –
Ugh. Meeting with lawyer was NOT pretty, and I still don’t like her, but we’re going to try the mediator route rather than a court battle, since a full court battle with Ms. Attorney representing me could run $20k - $30k, so I won’t have to deal with her other than filing the appropriate paperwork at various times. On the other hand, she assured me that she can have this whole mess resolved by the end of the year or shortly thereafter if my DH will agree on all terms set forth in the mediation.

She basically told me I’m screwed and there’s nothing she can do to prevent him from getting his hands on MY money even though he left me high and dry financially for 9 years and has been contributing nothing but a measly unemployment check for over a year. Apparently it doesn’t matter that he’s put me deep in debt, used up my savings cushion, spent his 401k money on CIGARETTES and other non-necessities and has failed to conduct himself like a responsible adult, either financially or emotionally. None of that matters in the eyes of the court. That sucks!

I get screwed for being the responsible one and for making sure my son had a good quality of life despite his father’s antics, and there’s nothing anyone can or will do to protect ME. But, the freeloading bum gets a nice-size check and can negoatiate to make me pay his way to his girlfriend’s house, and he basically gets to call the shots when it comes to custody issues, otherwise a judge could give him even more if I let this go to court.

Good news is he DOES have his next meal ticket lined up and he’s willing to go, so I have to move while he’s amenable. I had to laugh at this, however: When I told him I’d reached the breaking point with him calling his girlfriend right in front of my face while I correct homework with our son, he agreed to speak with “her” about a time when he could move.

I emailed him yesterday with the information for our date with the mediator, which is TOMORROW, Thursday, and his response was, “why are YOU in such a hurry to take this step? Why are you doing it so soon? What’s the rush?” Um, well, there’s the fact that you said you’d like me to buy your airline ticket for 12/11, and then there’s the fact that I REFUSE to continue to live with your psychological games and watch you call your girlfriend on the phone while I’m looking right at you and your son is 15 feet away… Pick a reason, ass.

I told him this morning that what he really needs to do is load all his crap in his car, drive it to his dad’s for storage, and fly from there. He said he planned on ME shipping his stuff. I said absolutely not, I can’t afford such a shipping cost and I’m already paying his airline ticket out of here. I told him maybe his girlfriend could chip in and have the stuff sent, and he said, “no, she’s broke.” LOL. I had to remind him that he has ruined me finanaiclly over these 9 years, but he still refuses to acknowledge that. He just wants to go denying what he’s done and believe that somehow I’ll come up with whatever money he needs. The nerve of him! Then he asked if I couldn’t just “hold onto his stuff” for the time being, and I laughed at that. I’m going to be downsizing to a rental (first rental in 20 years, thank you very much), and there’s NO way I’m keeping his shit! If he doesn’t take it, it’s garbage.

So, on to the mediator tomorrow. He has acknowledged that he has no clue when he’ll be able to fly back here, so putting together a parenting plan will just have to remain open-ended. We’ll come up with some way to word it tomorrow.

On the financial affidavit, he’s trying to claim all sorts of household expenses on his sheet when it’s my salary that pays for everything! He’s just amazing. I have to get him to give on the division of assets, because the profit from selling the house will be miniscule and I have to use that to pay off debts, so he really doesn’t deserve anything. I have to make him see that we should calculate what he thinks he’s getting, MINUS the debts since he brought them on us, and he should only get the result of that calculation. Yeah, right. I can dream, can’t I?

Wish me luck tomorrow. I have to hammer this out and get him on his way. This is going to be rough handling this house and all the responsibilities alone, but the only thing he did during the course of everyday life is let the dogs out since he was home anyway, and feed them in the late afternoon. I know It won’t be much different, and it will get easier when I sell the house and move to something that’s less maintenance.

He said this morning, “I can’t believe you’re doing this. It NEVER should have come to this.” My response was, “you’ve had 7 out of 9 years of me begging you to be responsible and correct your behavior, to support this family financially and emotionally, and you’ve refused to see how serious your neglect was. And I absolutely refuse to continue living under these bizarre, sick circumstances with you wooing your girlfriend right before my eyes. What did you think would happen?”

Ugh, I dread tomorrow. I warned the mediator that he is delusional and will not listen to reason, so she said she is willing to put us in separate rooms in order to get agreement on things. Wish me luck.

Part 3 Making Plans for the Next Step

2010-11-20T01:25:00.000-08:00

I’ve avoided thinking about the bankruptcy option because I’ve always had great credit, but losing the debts he’s caused isn’t looking so bad now, plus I know I can build my credit up again since I pay all my bills on time. My only concern was that I wanted to buy a house as soon as I get relocated (or even downsize here if I had to stay here), and a bankruptcy would obviously affect my ability to get a loan.

I hear you on the “armor” thought. I’ve been trying to NOT react at all to anything, even when he sits on the other side of the slider talking to his girlfriend on the phone while I sit in the kitchen doing homework with my son. Talk about an “in your face” move! Can you believe the gall? I have a friend who’s been through lots of therapy, and he keeps telling me the same thing: Don’t make it “fun” for him. Do NOT react, do NOT engage in battles.

I agree with keeping my moves to myself, but I told him last night that I WOULD be filing and he WOULD be receiving papers soon, and that he may as well move now before a sheriff’s deputy escorts him out of the house and he’s forced to go to his dad’s, which he says he doesn’t want to do. His only comment at that was, “I don’t have any money to move.” I said, “I will come up with the money to ship your stuff and get you a ticket. Start packing and tell her you’re coming.” He didn’t say no, so maybe I can get him to leave now. He’s always said, “I’m not going anywhere,” but maybe I can get him to go if she has agreed to let him come. He must be figuring she’ll take care of him financially

The thought of financial security is probably very appealing to him, especially if he thinks he wouldn’t be expected to get a job. It’s seeming to me that he got himself fired here intentionally after he fulfilled his child support obligations to his ex, but I have continued to demand that he be responsible and make a contribution to this family (financially AND emotionally), and perhaps he thought I was going to let him slide after child support ended.

As to your suggestion to write everything down and keep records, I document everything. I write notes every day on what occurred the previous night at home, and I have notes that go all the way back to my memories of the early days, so I probably have close to 200 pages of notes (and counting).

I went to the Womens Resource Center last spring. They gave me lots of good ideas on courses/seminars aimed at helping women in bad positions like this, but I can’t take the daytime ones because I work, and I am busy with my son when I leave here so I can’t do that either. I need to just get with a lawyer, talk strategy and proceed, and also perhaps look into the bankruptcy option to save myself from drowning in debt. Does that sound good next steps to you? Strategize with lawyer and also talk about bankruptcy? Can a divorce lawyer also help with the bankruptcy or do I need a separate lawyer for that?

In the meantime, let me know if you get any names, and thanks again for the words of encouragement. I can’t tell you how relieved it makes me feel to know that someone with an objective opinion sees this clearly and agrees with my tactics to date. Sometimes it is all so overwhelming I start to second guess my perception and everything I do in response, and it also seems sometimes like I’ll never get out of this mess, but then you make me see that it WILL be okay, eventually, and I am strong and I WILL get out of this.

HER NEXT LETTER WAS THIS:

Oh, BTW, I offered hubby a cash “bribe” a couple months ago in an attempt to get him out, and he said no. Said he’s not doing this for the money. I think he just wants someone to handle all of life’s responsibilities and pay his way, so he can just go along for the ride and have no worries. That’s why I say he’s a 50-year-old adolescent. Expects “mommy” to do everything for him and he has no responsibilities whatsoever, financial, emotional or otherwise.

I had to laugh when I read your comment about telling “her” (the girlfriend) hello, because that’s exactly what I do. Even in the middle of the night, if I walk out there and see him on the phone, I just say, “tell her hi,” or “ask her when you can move out there.” It doesn’t bother me in the least. It just bothers me that he’s doing it on my dime and in my face. I go nuts from morning ‘til night with work, housework, pets, my son and trying to salvage time for my own workouts (which I KNOW I need to stay sane), and he does nothing but sit on the lanai or on the couch talking to his “friend,” or sitting on the computer on Facebook most of the day. What a scum.

Thanks also for the comment on my abilities as a parent. I try so hard to keep things “normal” and fun for my son, and I got him into therapy a few months ago to head off any long-term effects his father may be having on him. He is just starting to open up to his therapist a little, and he tells her he doesn’t like his dad or how emotionally neglectful he is, so hopefully he’ll continue to open up to her as he gets to know her better and gets more comfortable. I wanted to be sure I got him into counseling before it really got to him. I also have him in tae kwon do, which is a great physical and emotional outlet. The staff at his TKD school are very loving and supportive, and I try to surround him with as many positive things as I can to counter the negative effects of his dad. He made gold honor roll at school this quarter and does well in school, so I think I’ve managed to keep him on track so far!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support. You have really brought me a sense of “I’m doing okay,” if you know what I mean. I was starting to wonder. ;)

PART II (from story below)

2010-11-11T15:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the supportive response. I mean that. As time goes on, this becomes SUCH an emotional drain that it seems I’ll never achieve my dream of a life for me and my son without the psychological games his father plays, so it’s good to hear someone unbiased say that they see hope! Thanks for that. I’m a very strong person, and I AM proactive. You’ll see that I don’t sit back waiting for life to come my way – I believe in making things happen, but this one is taking its toll on me, that’s for sure.

I woke up at 12:30 this morning to find him hunkered down in the family room behind closed doors (again), talking to his girlfriend. I try to ignore him, don’t bite when he tries to bait me into arguments, and basically just go about life as if he doesn’t exist, but when he flaunts this incredibly disrespectful behavior in my face, I can’t help but ask him HOW he possibly can think this is OKAY behavior? I again asked him to PLEASE go live with his dad, stop the emotional torture, and he can call her as often as he likes. He slipped and told me she’s broke, so I guess that’s why he is in no rush to run to her – nothing to gain financially. I reminded him that he has broken me, too, and that there will be nothing left from the house sale after I pay off the debts he’s caused me, so he’s not going to get anything from me either. I know I should ignore him at all costs and not let him engage me in these ridiculous, twisted, delusional conversations, because his goal here is to make ME seem like a shrew to justify his bad behavior, but sometimes he gets me so angry I just have to tell him how insane his comments are! I have to get better at biting my tongue.

Regarding the phone, my concern is that a judge (whenever we get to that point) or a mediator will think it “cruel” of me to remove his phone privileges and access to emergency services. He could claim that, because of his stomach bouts, he needs to be able to call his doctor, and I don’t want to put myself in a bad light for denying him access to medical attention. That’s the same reason I won’t take my SEP (from my boss) and “hide” it where he can’t get his portion, because that will make me look deceptive in the eyes of the court. I don’t need any more points against me if I’m going to salvage anything out of this as far as my assets. I’ve thought about turning off the FiOS TV, internet and everything else, too, but I can’t do that because I need the internet for my banking, my son needs TV and internet, and I can’t make everyone else suffer any more than they already are just to spite my husband. I would love to make his life so uncomfortable he would leave, but that costs everyone else too much, and, again, I don’t know that the judge would look kindly on that.

I have limited his access to financial resources by opening an account that only I can access, and I only leave some of his unemployment compensation in the old account for him to use for his medications, cigarettes, etc. Oh, that’s another sore point: The cigarettes. Here I am, trying to sell the house because I’m going broke, and he spends roughly $250 per month on cigarettes. This could also be one reason the ulcers won’t heal since smoking will prohibit any internal conditions from healing properly. He could probably get his pain doctor to say that he NEEDS the pain meds because of an old injury he suffered back in the '80's. He’s been on oxycontin and other meds ever since, so, again, a judge may see that at cruel punishment if I deny him his pain meds. Don’t you think?

To answer your question as to how he could afford legal counsel, he could take his unemployment income, which amounts to about $700/month after cigarettes, and use that for a lawyer if he were to go live with his father rent-free. While I would still have all the bills to pay, he would be free to use all his money to fight me. I, on the other hand, have nothing to use for a lawyer, and I may have to reimburse him for legal fees if I’m the one to file. Doesn’t the person filing usually have to pay the other person’s legal fees, or at least a portion thereof?

You are right in that I know what I want, and I’ve got SO many things planned for my son in KY (schools, activities, social groups), but I don’t know how to get there now with all the psychological garbage from my husband. He has gotten progressively worse since sitting home like a hermit for over a year (no surprise there), and my original plan was to just bear with it until I can get moved, but now I don’t know if I can last that long. I wish he would get an invitation to move in with his girlfriend and just go for it! My prayers would be answered if he would just let his heart lead him and walk away from me. I’d be in the clear.

Please write me back when you think of the name of that female divorce attorney. I’d appreciate an alternative just to compare, so thanks for trying to think of that for me. I will also contact the FL Bar and see where that gets me.

He's a Psychotic Bastard

2010-11-11T04:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Bubbie - I haven’t checked out the site for a while (DearBubbie on Facebook) -- Hope you are well.

This will be a LONG one. You can read and respond once you’ve digested all I’ve written here, and perhaps consult with your other Bubbies if you feel so inclined. It’s regarding my husband, and he lives on Facebook, so best to keep my name out of it.

I am living in a NIGHTMARE and I need advice on what to do. I’ll try to keep this as brief as I can, but it’s a story 9 years in the making, so there’s a lot to tell. I tell people it feels like I’m living in one of those Lifetime made-for TV movies where everyone in town thinks the husband is WONDERFUL and perfect, and only the wife knows that he’s actually a psychotic bastard. Basically I need to know what you all think I should do about filing for divorce vs. separation vs. getting a restraining order for reasons of mental / emotional abuse (if possible). The options are important for a number of reasons:
1. Divorce means near-immediate division of assets (which are all MINE, not his, but the law is the law and he’ll get far more than he deserves).
2. He’s threatening a nasty custody battle over our 8-year-old son, which he would never win because he’s been emotionally negligent for all 8 years and my son will says so, and because he’s an unemployed prescription drug addict who does nothing to help support the family, and because I am THE caregiver for my son and he and I are very close.
3. I’ve wanted to relocate for years to Kentucky, and, if I file for divorce now, he can and WILL stop me from taking our son to Kentucky and getting our life going up there. My son wants to move, too, but he won’t want to the longer we stay here (more roots are growing all the time).

My husband has contributed very little since day 1 financially because he had child support to pay to his ex-wife. He brought home roughly $200 per week for 7 years. Within about 8 months of finally finishing his child support obligations, he managed to get himself fired and has now been unemployed since September 2009. He also made “mistakes” on his tax returns his first two years here which he claims were totally innocent (yeah, right), and I had to pay the IRS $7,000 on a credit card. With some medical expenses and other things going on credit because of his lack of an income, he has put me $20,000 in debt.

He is currently not looking for work, and he claims he wouldn’t be able to hold down a job due to some physical ailments, namely multiple ulcers that flare up every few weeks or so. You can’t tell him that people with ulcers work all the time, as do people with conditions far more serious than ulcers, because he will deny that and tell you that you have no idea what he goes through during an ulcer flare. On the other hand, when asked why he doesn’t get on disability and move to Plan B if he has no intention of seeking employment and helping his family, he’ll say that he doesn’t know if his illness qualifies him for disability and that getting on disability is very difficult and a pain in the ass. So, he’d rather do nothing, wait for unemployment to run out, and let me deal with the fallout.

When I tell people he’s been unemployed for over a year, their reaction is, “well, at least you have someone at home doing all the housework and cooking the meals, right?” Um, no. He does NOT do housework, he does NOT cook, he does NOT do repairs. Once or twice a month he’ll do something if I leave the “to-do” list out for long enough, or if I get angry enough and demand that he do something.

He lives on Facebook, and he has amassed a collection of over 800 “friends,” many of whom he doesn’t know, but he friends the friends of everyone he knows, and people accept out of name recognition, so his collection grows. People have written me after accepting his invitation and asked WHY he friended them, and I just say “I don’t know.” He tells people a slew of lies about me, such as that I belittle him and yell at him all the time (funny, but he used to say the same things to me about his ex-wife), and that I’ve had multiple extra-marital affairs, which is laughable because I do nothing but work all day and tend to my son when I’m not at work. My son and I are inseparable when we’re not at work / school, so I couldn’t possibly have an affair even if I wanted to!

I’ve tried to enlist the help of his family (sister in CA), but he is very convincing and she believes that he must be telling at least partial truths (which he is NOT), so she won’t help. I’ve asked her to think about how I could possibly have had affairs, and she said the HE told her that people have flown into Sarasota to see me. And what, had a passionate rendezvous at my office, with my boss and co-worker present? She had no response to that, just that she must side with her brother because that’s the right thing for her to do.

A few months ago, I found out he’s been having a long distance phone relationship with a woman who lives in Boston. He knew her growing up and reconnected with her on Facebook. They talk in the overnight hours, while I’m sleeping, and also sometimes during the day when I’m at work. I’ve caught him hiding in the back yard in the middle of the night, by the pool pump, talking to her on the phone. I’m always calm when I find him hiding out there with the phone, because I don’t care if he goes to her. I wish he would. What is really a slap in the face is the fact that I am supporting this bastard and he’s calling this woman on my dime, while I’m either sleeping or working. Every once in a while they get disconnected in the middle of the night and she calls back, and he picks up on ½ a ring, but I’ve actually called her back and asked her to please just not call in the middle of the night because I have to get up for work in the morning. I’ve also asked her to PLEASE ask him to move to California, but so far no luck. I’ve been asking him to leave for a year because it’s obvious he won’t seek the counseling he needs (he refuses) and he won’t seek employment (he just keeps saying either he doesn’t feel well enough or that there aren’t any jobs out there, when, in fact, he’s not looking, or that he plans on finding a job… someday). When I tell him he has to leave for our son’s sake, and tell him that he’s doing nothing but emotionally traumatizing me and our son, he laughs, looks me in the eye and says, “I’m not going anywhere.”

We sane people know that the right thing for him to do here is to pack up and leave, despite not wanting to acknowledge the end of the marriage, but that doing that is the right thing to do. He could go live with his father, rent-free, in the Tampa area, or he could go live with his sister, but he flat-out refuses to go. So, here I am, stuck with this truly psychotic, delusional person who refuses to leave, and who promises to lie and start a MAJOR custody battle if I make him leave. If I file for divorce, he will cost me thousands of dollars in legal fees that I don’t have, and he will prevent me from relocating with our son. In addition, he will drain me financially by taking his share of everything we have, even though he hasn’t contributed hardly anything in the way of income and has caused us to incur the above-mentioned debts.

I can try to tolerate this until the house sells, relocate, and then file in six months. However, the thought of getting up in the middle of the night, night after night, and finding your spouse lounging around talking to his girlfriend on the phone while YOU pay all the bills and take care of all the other responsibilities (house, child, pets, etc.) is not exactly bearable. Nor is it a healthy environment for my son. And that’s my priority – maintaining a good, healthy life for my son, and so far I’ve managed to do that despite his father’s lunacy.

I could try and file for a restraining order for reasons of mental/emotional abuse and have him removed, but I don’t know if I can get it, and he is also going to lie and make it look like he’s the injured party in some way and detract from my credibility. In addition, if I CAN get him removed and I can sell the house and relocate, the divorce then becomes two-state battle between FL and KY, and I don’t know what that would do to me.

I could maybe file for a legal separation and deal with it later, but that, too, becomes a two-state issue if I sell the house and relocate.

So, my options, as far as I see it, are:
1. File for divorce now and lose a lot financially, lose the right to relocate (probably), but gain my freedom from this nightmare.
2. File for legal separation, and I’m not sure what that would gain me.
3. File for a restraining order and have him removed, and I could (hopefully) relocate, but I would have a two-state battle on my hands and possibly travel expenses involved if he is allowed to have our son come visit him.
4. Stay the course and wait for the house to sell, relocate with him in tow and file after six months in KY. And put up with his bullshit in the meantime, no matter how ethically WRONG his actions are and how nuts I may go in the process. (By the way, renting out the house here is NOT an option because I can’t afford any major repairs should something go wrong, and it WILL because it’s a 197o house and it has a pool, and because I can’t be a long-distance landlord, and because I’d have to get a pretty hefty rent to pay the mortgage on it.

I have spoken with one lawyer here in town who warned me that I could end up having to pay HIM alimony if he convinces a judge he that he can’t hold down a job, for mental or physical reasons. He’s such a good liar he might just be able to pull that off. I have consulted with another lawyer online who echoed the same warning.

I wouldn’t mind consulting with another female pitbull of a lawyer here in Sarasota if you know of a good one. This woman I met with was quite nasty, but I’m not sure she’ll fight for ME rather than just doing what the law allows/requires. I want someone who will at least make an attempt to keep some of my assets from getting into his undeserving hands, and to keep me from having to pay alimony!

So, Dear Bubbie, what would you advise me to do, and do you know of a good female divorce lawyer in Sarasota?

He's a Terrible Driver!

2010-10-30T00:26:00.000-07:00

You can find DearBubbie (one word) on Facebook.

DearBubbie ‎"My husband is the most gawd-awful driver and somehow he avoids getting tickets. He not only will tailgate, but his road rage (even towards elderly drivers) makes me feel like I don't know him. He says he'll try to do better, but I practically see his blood pressure go up even when he's quiet. Of course, HE wants to ...drive. What do you suggest?"

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Mary:
Stop riding with him. Tell him that you don't like the way he drives or behaves,that its dangerous to you and him AND everyone else on the road and you refuse to ride with him anymore. When you go somewhere, you drive. Then ease up a bit slowly by "allowing" him to drive when you really don't feel like driving.

Lynda:
I am not sure which is worse, your husband who has very bad driving etiquette or mine who wants to drive from the passenger seat. I would insist on driving when we were together. Explain to him that his attitude makes you very nervous and you would just as soon let him sit in the passenger side and enjoy the ride. I have seen so much road rage turn into violence. What is done is done. I am not even a horn honker because by the time I honk they have already committed that infraction..

DearBubbie I wonder if the 'reward' system would work here. Reward good driving habits with his favorite meal....or something else. .. . If he doesn't drive well, penalize him yourself with your own 'ticket' of sorts. I wonder if WHILE the infraction is happening, if there's anything you can do as the passenger to allieviate his stress. Maybe you can google "funny insults' and while the other driver is not moving on a green light, you can start your comedy routine.

DearBubbie
Lynda - you're funny! But be careful. In my smaller car, whenever I pass a large SUV or truck, I have my hand resting on the horn. I also do the 'polite' horn toot vs. the "you idiot" toot. Texters and cellphone users WHILE driving can be irritating, but somehow the husband has to not make it HIS problem and thus YOUR problem. It's about controlling his temper. How in the world does one accomplish that?

Janet:
I have a problem with punishing him for bad behavior, and throwing him treats for good behavior. He's not a child. Neither is he a pet that has to be trained. He says he'll try. I think all you can do is keep reminding him of your discomfort, and don't ride with him if it scares the hell out of you. He is the only one who can change his behavior, and I believe he will once he fully understands - through your words and actions - how uncomfortable you are with his driving habits.

Gordon:
Pray for a close call that almost became a serious accident, yet many men continue that pattern even after a REAL accident. Judging from the job i just retired from , this could be job stress on his part that in certain fields carries into off time. My ex wife drove most of the time we drove anywhere together and I was fine with it(I drove all day for a living), a "Type A' male will have none of that...

Michael A.:
It's all about education. Not your husband's. Other driver's education. If all drivers realized that the left lane is for passing only, not doing the speed limit and clogging up traffic, I promise 90% of your husbands issues will be resolve...d. Until then, buy him a super fast accelerating car equipped with super big brakes and hold on for the ride of your life. I personally recommend you buy him a BMW M6, probably a drop top if you are in FL. It worked for me. PS. I haven't been issued any citations in the last decade either. Just saying....

Sally:
oh god here we go again . "blame the victim' for road rage and the 'I have the right to go any speed I want to in the left lane' syndrome. No, you DON'T.. not in any state.. Those 'traffic cloggers' in the left lane that keep you from going... any speed you want are mostly there because 1)they are going to make a left turn soon and in most metro areas you HAVE to get in the left turn lane well ahead of time or you won't be able to or 2) they would really like to move over to the right but all the reckless, rude speeders in the right lane, all following too closely, won't let them. Will you overly-testosteroneized folks ever realize that the left lane does NOT belong to you to go any speed you want? probably not, you all want to be Mario Andretti or Jimmy Johnson or somebody like that.

Rose:
My ex-husband used to go absolutely crazy driving down here. He would get right on someone's tail and just lay on the horn - it was embarrassing. I was always afraid he was going to give some elderly driver a heart attack or a stroke - so I know how you feel.

Ashley:
Just let him take the wheel~ him probably likes the rush hehe~

DearBubbie
I think I'd just try to beat my husband to the punch and say IMMEDIATELY: "Oh honey, I'm so proud of you for not saying what an idiot that person is! You're aweseome!" I mean, you'd have to say it IMMEDIATELY before he has a chance to pound... the steering wheel. To be honest. . during my single days. . .if I had a date with someone who drove badly, I never dated them again. People said I was "too picky", but I love going for rides so much, I had to love the way the person drove. The worst thing HubbaBubbaBubbieHubbie says is: "Get out of my way, Grandma" which he stole from the movie "Cool Runnings". I don't know if you can tell your hubby (when he's acting up): "Turn it around. This ride is over."

Sally:
I agree, if a man is really a terrible driver I'd have to think whether the relationship is worth it.. furthermore I would bet that most of the bad 'road rage' men have serious anger management issues in other areas of life as well..

Charles:
I have a wife thatr is the same waqy and takes her eyes off the road and away from her driving to make phone calls on her cell phone, and i pray everyday that noone gets hurt or killed including her. Yes, she has an uncontrolable temperthat scares a lot of people, and that temper is what caused our seperation along with her being physically and verbally abusive to several people, and that is something I hope and pray she gets professional help for.

DearBubbie BubbaBub Charles, thanks for weighing in. I see you do a lot of 'likes' on our page. We're happy to have you with us. I hope you meet a kinder, gentler kindred spirit.

Sally:
I hope that every man who's in a marriage that is hopeless or not salvageable will take steps to end it.. there are lots of kind, loving, loyal, non-abusive women who would just love to have a partner.

She Talks and Talks and Talks and. . .

2010-10-30T00:10:00.000-07:00

DearBubbie ‎"I've been married for seven years and lately, I am bored out of my mind by my wife. She talks incessantly about people I don't know (and could care less about). She talks about her appearance a lot - too much. I can't even enjoy dinner with her endless drivel. I want to say: "SHUT UP! Can you just SHUT UP for one minute"? Can you help us get back to finding each other interesting?"

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Paul:

‎*ROTFLMAO*........

Paul:
wait a second*.....

Susanne:
Have you tried steering the conversation to something that interests you both...or finding something that interests the two of you. If there's something that bothers you, it's up to you to make an effort to make things better. Is your wife aware of the way you feel? If she doesn't know how you feel, she can't make any changes. Good luck

Janet:
Incessant, mindless chatter gets on my nerves, too...But, didn't she do this when you found her 'interesting'?

Paul:
Okay, I had to stop laughing.... You've been married 7 years? When was the last time you took the time to have a conversation with your wife? You say she talks too much about her appearance, have you noticed her lately? Complimented her on ...her looks/dress? And maybe she talks about her friends because she wants to involve you in her life.Get to know her again, look back 7 years to find what was interesting with you two to begin with! The worst thing you could do is tell your wife (or anyone just wanting to talk) to "shut up"! It sounds like she just wants you to have some interest in her life again! So, here's a KleenaxSee More

Paul:
‎...sorry, I had to stop laughing again, Kleenex tissue, wipe your tears, blow your nose, AND TAKE SOME TIME TO TALK/INVOLVE IN YOUR WIFE'S LAUGH! ps- And eat dinner alittle faster if you want a hot meal!

Ruben:
Buy her some ear rings, take her to dinner and then eat her potato salad. That'll do it.

Jan:
Good comment Janet. A lot of men love to talk on and on about their jobs, past and present and I know a lot of women listen and retain a lot of what is said...even if it is boring to them. I know personally that some of these same men wil...l then say of their partner's conversation exactly what this man said- "I don't know these people....I don't care about them"A successful relationship means that BOTH of you listen to the other.Maybe she won't talk so much if you actually show interest in what she is saying.

Deb:
two people have said it.....she was probably like this when you met and you found it.......charming?, helpful that she carried the conversation?..........figure out your shift first. Seems you two would have found that place of "easy silenc...e" by now. And she sounds nervous and insecure. So the comments about complimenting her are right on. Maybe it's time for a new hobby together. I was married for 15 years and I couldn't listen to my husband's drivel either after awhile....but had I known then what I know now, I would have done some couples workshops and gotten into who we both are so we could have some respect for our differences. I love the Enneagram for this.....we have a local group and it's not therapy, but rather self exploration.

Lisa:
You know the saying when you point your finger at someone there are three more pointing right back at you. Its not all her. She is desparate for you to engage in conversation and is just fishing around for a topic that you might want to t...alk about. Engage in active conversation with her. Ask questions, dig deeper, you might find that the conversations will become less about things that bore you and more about who she is as a person and what her views are on things and there will be different levels of conversation starting. I have been married 21 years- I have a vastly different hobby from my husband and frankly neither of us really care about the others hoby except that it makes us happy. We still listen to the other when we talk about what makes us happy even if it is boring and we have no freaking clue about what the other is talking about. And ya know what- eventually we learn quite a bit about the other's hobby, enough to hold a conversation and we each are very happy. Active conversation.

DearBubbie
If she's a talker where you can't even get a word in EDGEWISE - you need to tell her to stop a minute to breathe and also let you 'engage' in the conversation. I'm looking at the extreme, just in case that's the case. She would have to be ...told - NICELY. Otherwise, you need to step up to the plate and do some work. (That's why they say - marriage takes work; things don't always fall into place naturally.) You have to come up with topics - as has been advised. From talking about something in the newspaper, to an upcoming vacation to a tv show or movie or food! I let my husband talk about his Willy's Jeep and I've learned a LOT; but when it starts getting too technical, I make a joke and he 'gets it'. It does make me happy when he yammers on about it, though - because I know how happy it makes him. I'm sure he feels the same way about my tennis. But along with the 'boring' talk - there still needs to be a common ground that both can happily yammer on about together! ♥

Chris:
I am smiling and laughing too Paul, but for some different reasons. I care for my 92/93 year old Grandparents and they have been married 70 years. I know my Grandma listened intently to my Pop's interests and hobbies for most of those 70 ...years. Now she has mild dementia and has short term memory loss and Pop now has to listen to the same conversations over and over and over and over again on a daily basis. Karma works that way. Whenever I tell my Dad I feel bad for Pop he just smiles and says Pop is getting a bit of a payback.I agree with Deb too. Your wife was probably the same "conversationalist" when you met her, but the things that attracted you far outweighed that and you didn't notice. Time to take notice again of what attracted you in the first place. Marriages these days have "short term memory problems" when it comes to why we married our spouse to begin with.Good luck. Really, the laughter is not at you in my case, but smiling and laughing is how I deal with many of my stressors and I think you need to find some humor along with love in your situation. My husband comes home everyday from work and tells me stories about 4 or 5 coworkers. If I told him to Shut Up and that I didn't care, I don't think he would be very happy with me. Ya think??

Sara:
Sounds like you BOTH need to have a good long honest talk...and go back to the start....what got you together in the first place...turn off the phone, radio tv and go for a bike ride....a walk....listen to each other...find yourselfs again...get away from the everyday stress of life and reconnect

Michael A.
I hate to say it, but there are always three sides to a relationship story….his, hers and the real truth.Try looking hard in the mirror at yourself. Oftentimes you have more impact on a relationship by changing your methods/ways rather tha...n insisting on your partner being the one to change.Here are 23 Ways to Be the Man She Wants1. You can put down the weights and the protein shakes. You might want us to be perfect looking; we simply want you not to be fat. 2. Replace all of those hideous size-extra-large T-shirts with something that actually sort of fits. We think you might be a medium.3. Never allow anyone who listens to baseball on the radio to cut your hair.4. Purchase sheets that don't contain polyester and that are white.5. Blue Book value isn't everything. Take the money you were going to spend putting the backseat DVD theater in your Honda and buy a nice pair of shoes.6. We don't care what the plan is. Just have one.7. Candles. They are so cheap and they are so effective.8. When you give her a gift, include a card. You can spend less on the gift if you write something nice. Don't buy a card with a message in it, unless you're dating Danielle Steele.9. She arrives home from work eager for attention. You arrive home from work eager for several beers and the Simpsons-King of the Hill hour. The moment you come home, hug her, look into her eyes, and say that you're happy to see her. This simple gesture, done with sincerity, will earn you lots of time on the couch.10. Buy covered garbage cans for your kitchen and bathroom. They hide stuff we don't want to know about anyway.11. Make a list entitled "Intolerable Behavior from Women," and when you see it happening, speak up. Let us know you won't be around no matter what, and we'll want to keep you. 12. Drive a stick shift. Men look ineffectual driving automatics.13. Never utter the phrase, "I know I'm no Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington." You're a guy. Merely acting like you think you're hot makes you hot. Be grateful, because women actually have to be hot to be hot.14. Short sleeves are for golf only; sandals are for Jesus only.15. When a woman asks you to accompany her to a wedding or a family event, R.S.V.P. within 24 hours. If you find that you can't commit, do everyone a favor and break it off.16. Stop operating on the in-trouble/not-in-trouble paradigm. Just because we're not yelling at you doesn't mean everything is okay.17. If you're late, call.18. Brush your teeth a lot.19. Realize that if you "keep forgetting" to trim your nose hairs, we will "keep forgetting" to initiate sex.20. If your television is of a size such that it is regularly commented on, hide it in a cabinet. You might have a penchant for a) sloth, b) passivity, or c) tuning out the world, but she need not be reminded of this every time she walks into your living room.21. You might not know what she wants you to get her for her birthday, but her friends do. Ask them. 22. When we are together, sometimes we are occupied with tasks—closing a window, putting on a new CD, petting the cat—that cause us to focus our gaze elsewhere. May we suggest these windows of time as the most favorable for scratching your balls.23. Buy a Swiffer and use it. They come in dry (living room) and wet (kitchen and bathroom). Wash your dishes. Pick up your clothes. Swiff. She'll think you're a responsible adult.And, there are some other good reads at www.menshealth.com .

Mary:
You know I have come to this page today about 4 times, and left again because I really couldnt find the words to respond to this. Having counted to about 1000 I am ready to give this person some feed back.Maybe you just need to grow up and ...get to know the "friends you dont know and dont care about" Obviously they are important to her. You said I do... but dont care enough to know her friends? I have huge issues with that. Maybe she is talking because you are not talking to her and she wants conversation? I can almost guarantee your marriage is not going to last if you are tired and bored of your wife and want her to "shut up" all the timeSounds to me like you need to do your wife a favor and get some counseling. Not trying to be harsh,just honestHaving said that, I am sorry, but you obviously have a problem. Maybe its a medical problem like depression? You should consult with your doctor. I dont know how old you are, but maybe you are suffering from a midlife crisis? Seriously, go see your doc, make a date with the one you married, and take the time to care... it would probably work miraclesGoing back to my own page, apologizing ahead of time if my post is rude.. just giving honest feedback... what I love about this page...·

DearBubbie
I just remember one couple that my husband and I ate with at lunch. The woman talked NON-STOP and it was all 'nonsense'. Like she loved hearing the sound of her own voice. She was chewing and talking at the same time. We were ALL quiet -... because there was NO way we would be able to get a sentence in. She was very happy, her husband looked miserable, my husband was amused and I was frazzled. So - that scenario could be what's causing his 'reaction'. And the solution in that case - would be to let her know.

DearBubbie Another quick story. . .an older woman came in who was widowed. She said her husband told the same cow story to every acquaintance he would meet. She wanted to kill him if she heard the cow story one more time. When he passed, she said she'd give everything to hear the cow story again.

Mary:
But Bubbie... this guy said "Lately..." different?

Martha:
your wife knows how you feel thats why she keeps rambling. One day she will shut up and you will not hear her voice again, this is how my x husband was with me I was a stay at home mom and he worked when he came home I just wanted attension... and he started the same borded and the looks said it all then he did get around to teling me to shut up slowly over time I started talking less and less until one day I was sitting in a chair staring at the wall all day everyday, I filed for divorce and now Im free to talk as much as I want and its never to him. Women can fall into depression very easily when we dont get the attension we need and want from our spouse so be careful with how you look and talk to her. We talk about our apperence because we want to know you still find us sexy, we talk about our friends because we miss our best friend (hubby), the things we talk about the most is what is either causeing us the most pain or missing from our life. Marriage is about two becoming one so its not about you and its not about her its about you both, as women we often put off ourselves for the other and sometimes we need you to put off yourself and focus on her. This is called the seven yr itch so figure out what is causing the itch and scratch it so you can move on to yr 8,9, 10, 20 ect. Some things also depend on age, kids/no kids, biological clock ticking, hormones, goals, ect read some books on women about her age. Good luck

DearBubbie Mary - absolutely. You make an excellent point that I overlooked! Martha, I like that you always write from your heart. Thank you for sharing from your personal point of view.

Martha:
your welcome and this is my favorite page!

Kat:
Actually, I kind of sympathize with you. People who talk incessantly about nothing drive me insane. You've gotten a lot of good comments. Personally, I've broken up with a couple of friends in my lifetime over this same issue (talking a...bout coworkers constantly I had no interest in, talking about their own aesthetic until I thought I'd gag, etc.) I've also read a study that says that many people who talk constantly are actually afraid of intimacy. They use the chatter as a smoke screen to not let other people get too close. Could this be your wife? With the aforementioned friends, I tried steering the conversation to more personal levels on multiple occasions and got nowhere. I wanted to know more about who THEY were, what THEY thought, how THEY felt, not their idiotic coworkers. When I hit a dead end over and over again, I finally had to give the "It's not you, it's me," talk, and move on. Unfortuately, this is your wife. Get thee to counseling before it completely falls apart.

Michael R.:
Everyone (and I mean every one...especially Americans) needs to shut their yaps more often.We talk talk talk...about nothing.This is only one of SO many complaints I hear EXACTLY LIKE THIS on a weekly basis. Men of all ages lose so much att...raction for their wives because the first turn off for most men (yes, even more than weight gain) is BORDOM.Bordom, for a man, usually introduces itself by way of a woman's never-ending blather.I say this with love in the name of candor and potential understanding, Ladies.Say 25% less, and watch what happens.

Creating a "So Ugly It's Cute" Baby

2010-08-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a woman just knows these things.

After skipping two months, I felt a baby was on the way. No, not that kind of baby.

I just hadn't been inspired to pick up a brush and paint, so my blank wood figurines and unfinished furniture just sat there. My gesso was just too tired to swim its way from bottle to brush to bare wood. They were crying to be brought out into the world (okay, my shop) all shiny and new and colorful!

My penchant for painting these old neglected items in need of TLC came shortly after I met my husband-to-be, John. He introduced me to yard sales, which I initially scoffed at. However, if a stop at the donut shop was part of our Saturday morning excursion, I was in!

In no time at all, I went from not wanting to touch other people's 'stuff' to looking for signed and numbered insignias/stamps underneath figurines. I learned which watches and jewelry were a deal to discovering that even old license plates had value.

I was all about the resale.

But it was arts & crafts items and bare wood that made my heart skip a beat. Unfortunately, I'm not an artist, but that didn't stop me. My husband did try to put a halt to my spending: "We have a whole room full of junk. You'll never get around to painting it all!"

Not amused, I'd reply nastily, "It's two dollars! Just give me TWO DOLLARS!"

Despite some miscarriages of art, I was joyfully creating mismatched, non-sensical, so-ugly-they're-cute babies! Admittedly, I did want to ask for pain-numbing drugs when a color would kick me or a design gave me indigestion, but the most I did was aspirin (causing me to almost drink my paint water instead of my drinking water).

Then the unthinkable happened. A miracle! One of my babies sold!

The buyer was from Palm Beach Gardens, who always negotiated on artwork, but never bought anything. Tiresome haggling ended with him always saying: "I'll think about it."

When he eyed my table that I had marked for a preposterous $350.00, I immediately told him that I couldn't negotiate as it was a "one-of-a-kind" item.

"Who painted it?" he asked. Ugh - I was busted! My face turned a bright red, as I said with a faux confidence: "I did."

He bought the table that day at full price, but the phone rang two days later. I recognized his number on my caller ID and decided not to pick up. He was going to return it or it fell apart. Instead he left a message saying how nice it looked in the guestroom.

From that day forward, my husband never complained about me buying a blank piece of wood something-or-the-other again. And I stopped giving him the retaliatory eye roll when he'd buy a broken down rusted dirty piece of equipment that he'd be in disbelief over that he could get it for so cheap.

My children sit proudly at my shop greeting me when I open and waving goodbye at five o'clock. Sometimes people will pick them up and ooh and ahhh. Others will say, curiously: What is that?!?!

Who knows what will happen to my children as the years roll by. I hope they'll be cared for and dusted. However, I know that like so many 'finds' at yard sales, my kids may come full circle. And among the kitsch, my cat will be sitting on a fold-out table that someone will be fighting over with their husband: "It's ONLY two dollars! Give me $2.00!"

When is Comedy Offensive?

2010-07-13T22:44:00.000-07:00

From our DearBubbie on Facebook Archives:

Dear Bubbie:

‎"I have a friend who jokes about EVERYTHING - nothing is off-limits. From the oil-spill to alzheimer's. He has lost several Facebook friends because of it. I'm offended by some of his jokes (others are truly funny, though). He said he doesn't mean any harm. Is he right or socially unacceptable? He does want to try Amateur Night at our local comedy club, so I don't want to discourage him."
Signed, A friend

__________________________________________________________________

Sarah
They are Jokes. Does he only joke about one particular subject or is everyone and everything an equal target for his jokes??I wouldn't be offended unless I felt he was targeting one group/sub-group. I've heard plenty of Jokes about these topics you mentioned, many were funny - some missed the mark. A bit of levity in a serious situation can make it all the easier to deal. I don't know that "he's right" but I certainly wouldn't call him socially unacceptable. If his personality is a mismatch to yours and some others than that is the way it is. That doesn't mean he's wrong or bad.Why are you offended by his jokes when you know they are simply jokes? Are the jokes very racist and demeaning or are they like a good ribbing that point out little truths? You need to be able to laugh at yourself and if you can't laugh at yourself don't blame him.

Sarah
btw, A Really good family friend that my husband and I have known since we were teenagers was always cracking jokes and telling stories. Well Now he is a Prime Time DJ in Northen California. We keep in touch often and its HILARIOUS to see all the new stuff he has come up with. How he can take the mundane, the sad, the gross, the taboo, or whatever else and make it accessible is amazing. Humour has that capacity, and I would not try to censor that... even if a few jokes rubbed wrong.

Sarah
Sorry - One more thought - The internet is a fickle friend at best. There is absolutely no way that I would ever suggest anyone change their style over the loss of a few online aquaintances even If I was one.

DearBubbie
Great points, Sarah. Joan Rivers has joked about suicide, even though that was the most difficult thing she ever dealt with. She also joked about 9/11 widows. She says humor is a defense mechanism in ways.

Sarah
Sure Is - About 10 Years ago I had a Miscarraige when I was 4 months pregnant - I laid in that hospital Bed Cracking Jokes. My husband and My Mother thought I was crazy. But if I had stopped laughing I would have crumbled. It's just how I managed to Cope until I felt comfortable to grieve."If We couldn't laugh, We would go insane"

Therese
As Abby Hoffman was known to say: Sacred cows make the best hamburger... Either it's all funny -- offensive, insensitive or not -- or nothing is.Humor is how we deal with tragedy, with life, with everything. The alternatives are despair and rage. Life is too short to be intolerant and laugh less. I have been told more times than I can count that I should try stand-up, and every time I hear that, or the sound of laughter (or ire) from someone who has listened to me rant, it validates my coping mechanism of choosing to see the humor in life despite the challenges and suffering and pain that is so apparent everywhere I look. Honestly, it keeps me sane. My thought is: encourage your friend and support him in his efforts. Nobody every died from laughter. There is good energy in that.

DearBubbie
Dear Friend, There is some comedy I simply don't like. Thus, I won't read it, listen to it; I'll change the channel, defriend, etc. . .but I would defend anyone's RIGHT to say whatever they want. If someone is NOT getting the response/reaction - I think that would encourage them into going into a different direction. But it seems that just like there are different types of people, there are different types of comedy that will have an appreciative audience. I would be an honest critic with my friend - if you don't like a joke, don't laugh. If you're offended, let him know. But, it's ultimately HIS choice what comes out of his mouth. I didn't like Howard Stern for the longest time. But did like his movie and book.

Lisa
America has become the land of the offended. It is the intent behind the words that is more important than the words themselves. "four letter words" and other offensive words have only become so due to society attaching a deeper or alternative meaning. They are just words. I tell blonde jokes all the time to my blonde daughter (who is 14 this month) and she thinks they are funny. Why -because she knows the intent behind the jokes. As for your friend- if it doesnt bother him that he is loosing friends why it is bothering you? If you are offended by a certain joke tell him and move on. Life is too short to be worried about jokes.

Kate
I wish we could all laugh at each other a little more. I’ve often said, “If you can’t laugh at your friends, who can you laugh at?” We all need more humor in our lives!

Philip
I don't understand people who are always offended. I don't grasp the context. Either something is in good taste or bad taste and that depends upon each persons tastebuds. I find people who are always "offended" don't seem to like very much. Am I wrong?

DearBubbie
You know what I just thought about. . sometimes the things that I feel are the most HARMLESS posts or words, can cause the most controversy and offense. I have never been a fan of put-down humor - I feel it can be passive-aggressive - but one DOES need to laugh at oneself. No, you are NOT wrong, BubbaBubbie Phil. How about this? When we may
tell a joke and someone gets upset. You tell them you didn't mean it THAT way, and they say: "Oh YES you did!!!" Those are the people I don't like very much. . .

Michael R.
I am usually the first to stand up AGAINST "political correctness", as I feel it has gone too far and has replaced common sense in the arena of humor and general conversation.As adults especially, I don't feel we need anyone policing our language.
That said, I know there are a plenty of goofballs out there who have no sense of what's appropriate, funny or risque. I don't know if your friend falls in the latter category, but if he does, I would probably de-Friend him on FB too. As for him taking his show to the stage, that's for only him to decide. If he's funny, the audience will let him know...immediately. If he's not, he will probably leave the stage and re-evaluate his schtick. I have a friend who is just borish and loud, who thinks he's hilarious. Everyone around him knows he's not, and the result is that he finds himself alone most of the time.If a person can't figure out what's socially acceptable or offensive by the time they reach adulthood, they don't deserve the company of others.Period.

Chris:
I have to agree with Michael on most of this whole issue. I will give you a personal example. My 19 year old step daughter's new Father in Law decided it was fun to send "pornagraphic" type joke text messages to my husband (his Daughter's FIL, for crying out loud... who she is living in the same house with) After the second one, that offended him enough to show me and ask me what he should do, he decided to just send a message back that just said, "please do not text me any porn jokes or pics on my phone." Instead of an apology or even just an ok... the FIL's reply was, "some people just can't take a joke."
Now granted, there are probably some people that were happy to get his little "joke" sent to their phones. My husband is not one of them. Second of all, he worked at a college around young girls where if that joke were accidentally forwarded or seen on his phone, it could have cost him his job. Thirdly and most importantly, it was offensive to a man who has ONE child, an only daughter, who is respectful of women... and it concerned him with who she was living with. This FIL hardly knew us, and yet in his mind it was an appropriate joke.
And then WE were the ones that offended him when we said something negative about it. Not only was this the start of "defriending" type activity... the FIL made it a wedge between my husband and his daughter (who again lives in this household with her new husband).My husband has an excellent sense of humor, but very rarely does he use any "foul" language to tell a joke or to be funny. Sometimes his stories or jokes are not that funny.... to me... but that is ok, we understand each other! Like Michael says, there are so many people out there that just don't have any idea that they are inappropriate. There is a time and a place... and some things are better off not being joked about. I like his suggestion.... go for a night on stage and see how funny this person really is.

DearBubbie
Excellent, Michael! I knew someone like that as well. . the key word being "knew". I personally have been sensitive to jokes regarding the oil spill. There's nothing funny, in my opinion, about the suffering that is taking place due to greed. Then, I heard this joke today: "They figured out a way to stop the oil spill!" Me: "Oh no, is this a joke?" Him: No joke. They're going to clamp a wedding ring on the pipe so it won't 'put out' anymore." (I thought that was funny. . .)

Deb
laughing at everything is called deflection....one is never engaged in the moment, he is always defecting away from real feelings. It's hard to ever take this person seriously, so they do it in a hurtful manner that really gets your attention. Toxic.

Robb
Laughter is good for the soul... Even if your friend's jokes don't always 'hit the mark,' at least the effort to LIVE, LOVE and LAUGH is part of their life! Take note (and don't take it ALL so seriously!)~~~Sometimes the laughter keeps you (or them) from crying! Other times, you GOTTA laugh to keep from cryin'!

Therese
wow. trying not to take a post too seriously. but it ain't easy...of the many things that have been said to me about my sense of humor (or about funny people or humor in general), which is the frame through which i personally choose to view even the most dire circumstances (and including, of course, the most appropriately joyful and legitimately humorous) i have NEVER been called toxic or told my humor (or that having a sense of humor in general) was toxic. i have NEVER been told -- even by therapists and medical professionals in the field of psychology or psychiatry -- that i was "deflecting".
if anything, i embrace every moment of life and thus my humor flows.my personal brand of humor is IN RESPONSE TO the moment and stems from embracing my "real feelings". my humor, (and the humor i witness in general), doesn't denigrate, but rather it uplifts energy, illuminates, illustrates, bonds together. when people can laugh together it establishes a common ground. i would submit you should interact with funny people on a personal level before you write us all off as toxic. abusers are toxic. alcoholics are toxic. crack-heads are toxic. liars and thieves are toxic. buddy cracking a joke about a situation or life experience or political gaffe or the dang oil spill, as tragic and horrible as THAT is, is trying to bring levity. more light less heat. that sort of thing.like i said before life is too short to not laugh. hope you share some good ones today with folks who make you smile my friends. peace out.

DearBubbie
I love my retail neighbor (the other one). . .he always laughs like I've told the funniest joke in the world. His reactions actually catch me off guard, because I didn't think the jokes were that funny. :-0

Chris
I came back to read through this thread again including what Therese just posted. I think everyone has valid points. Just my opinion Therese... the humor you describe yourself having (and knowing some of your background from earlier Bubbie posts) is much different than someone that is obnoxious with their humor. I think Deb's post was geared towards that kind of jokester... maybe I am wrong, but with a written post sometimes things get read out of context. The reaction you are having to that post is similar to a reaction someone else may have of a distasteful joke.
I have encountered a few people that I would have to agree with Deb on. They are obnoxious, toxic, distasteful...all of the above. But I have many friends with tremendous humor and they find humor in everything, that I absolutely adore and laugh at just about anything they put out! Now, if we look at sarah's example, when she miscarried. Laughter got her through it and made the pain bearable. BUT, what if another person was making those same jokes towards Sarah about her miscarriage? Even the same exact words that were coming out of Sarah's mouth?? I don't think anyone would find that funny. And , you know what... there are people like that, and Deb is right... they can be toxic.
I have to be careful with my sense of humor (inherited from my Dad) as I sometimes have a very dry and "sarcastic" type of humor. Somebody that didn't know me well might think I was being mean to someone that I was joking with. I only use that humor with people that know me very well. There is a time and a place for jokes.The kind of jokes I really hate.... ethnic, hateful towards ANY president, fat jokes, and demeaning towards women or children.... thus I really hate the whole Howard Stern thing. My ex used to watch that show and just hearing that man's voice could turn my stomach and I would leave the room.
We had a thread recently on a woman that was offended by a comment made about blacks. How many of you get emailed jokes that are racial, judge mental against Mexicans, crude jokes about the President, etc and you pass them around? Me... I will usually brush off jokes like that to poor taste and most of the time delete them before I get past the first sentence. Everyone has the right in this country to have opinions about All of those things... but do we really need to pass around demeaning jokes? Having a sense of humor about everyday life and the stresses we are challenged with is a wonderful thing and I wish everyone had it. Most of the time, reading posts on here makes me smile and if something doesn't sit right with me, I look at myself first and ask why.Learning to laugh at ourselves is the best medicine."The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused." ~Shirley Maclaine

DearBubbie
Actually, I'd like a specific example from Deb. Deb - are you there? I'm wondering if you're talking about the kind of jokes I mentioned: Passive aggressive. Actually, Deb is stating a fact that is in psych books, not an opinion, I believe.

Therese
I guess my point is this: i totally respect and understand deb's position, textbook-based or opinion, which is why i responded to it. i don't have to agree with folks to want a dialogue with them, in most cases, the more i disagree, the more i learn from the source. to speak to that, deb's post drove me to look up deflection as psychological theory -- it's gestalt theory, very interesting with that said, her post did provoke some feelings within me that are defensive in nature. theories applied generally scare me, or, as pooh would say "big words bother me" -- even if the applicant is a trained professional. i'm just not one to paint with a big brush and it kinda makes me nervous when i experience it. it's just my nature. it was not meant to personal (other than to me). if it was taken so, i humbly apologize.
i also totally respect and understand chris' position and insight to the dialogue, and i agree. with all THAT said, i return to my original point of sacred cows and hamburgers. either it's all funny or humor is dead. there is even a South Park episode about this, for what THAT is worth in legitimizing my point further. humor is largely personal and like any other expression occurring outside one's head, bound to offend someone. i personally don't agree with larry flynt (hustler magazine) or howard stern (most of the time) or, egad, bubba the love sponge; but i loved lenny bruce and richard pryor and george carlin and eddie murphy and a ton of other comics who in general offended a lot of folks... that's my point, which DearBubbie made earlier, if you don't like it, turn it off -- don't hate or try to define or criticize it or judge it or silence it -- leave it for what it is. what is offensive to one person is hilarious to someone else.with all that said: yay! i'm smarter now thanks to deb because i learned something today. thanks for that. peaceout.

DearBubbie
Oh my gosh, Therese. .I am constantly learning and googling things to get more information from posts that compel me - either negatively or positively. NICE NICE that you explained yourself so there is no misunderstanding that this was personal against Deb. I hear ya and AGREE!

Deb
no offense taken! I think it is key to happiness to be able to laugh at oneself and not take everything so seriously. The way I read the post was this poking fun is non-stop and indiscriminate. This can be hurtful, but when one says so, then it's your fault for taking it the "wrong way". Socially intelligent people know when to joke and when to be empathic. This person sounds like he has no filter. I conclude he has a problem.

Simon
Hmm... what would I say? I say peesha, throw caution to the wind, Damn the torpedos! Talk to him about the offensive ones that you find offensive, maybe he needs to polish those to be more general and less direct?

Strong Perfume in the Workplace. Make it STOP!

2010-06-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Bubbie:

You were referred to me by a friend who is on Facebook. I hope you can help our entire office (of five women, two men) out. We have a co-worker who has always worn a lot of perfume. Two months ago, there was one day when it seemed she had on more perfume than usual.

Unfortunately, two women confronted her, she got defensive and it turned nasty with everyone. One of the employees then went into the boss - who has his OWN office, and he said he likes it. Our office just has one huge window in the front that doesn't open and, of course, the door. I take aspirin. And forget about eating lunch in our little lunchroom when she walks through. We all feel like she only cares about herself at the detriment of others' well-being in the workplace. Our boss isn't the confrontational type and he does like that woman. She's kind of a Jeckyl/Hyde. Any suggestions other than quitting? Robbie

Lisa
If you complain your boss must do something about or he is liable. It is that simple. He cannot just brush off your complaints. All of you need to lodge a complaint so that he sees it is not just one of you but all of you w/a problem. You might also want to consider putting it in writing. Word it appropriately non-judgemental (leave out the Jeckly/Hyde comment and the we feel she only cares about herself comment) More likeDear Mr.BossmanPlease be aware that many of us in our office are having some issues with Mrs Perfumes habit of wearing an overabundant amount of cologne. While the purfume is pleasant smelling in the beginning, it quickly becomes overwhelming in its intensity. Many of us are having negative physical reactions including severe headaches that if they continue might cause some of us to seek medical attention. Please be advised that we have attempted to discuss this with Mrs. Perfume on other occasions with no success and the resulting hard feelings were uncomfortable in our small office. We are requesting that you please speak with her about her cologne habit and ask that she either apply less or refrain from wearing any at all 'sincerely, oh my god whats that smell'. Keep a copy you may need it later. You also may need to request a fragrance free work place. It happens all the time. Good luck

DearBubbie
Excellent, Lisa!

Lisa
Thank you. One of the capacities I work in for my hubby is as human resource person. I have done a number of the unemployment interviews, and I use to be a vocational rehabilitation counselor- so have a working knowlege of employee rights regs and I supervised three different locations of an adult day care so I had to deal with similar stuff from employees. As an employer you just cannot ignore it when someone comes and says they have a physical reaction to something another employee is doing - like smoking or body odor of any kind. You can just go and talk to the boss but putting it in writing (since he has ignored you the first time) Covers your butt. You have proof that you sent something. Email is great for this because there is a time date/stamp on it, but I would email and then hard copy if the email doesnt get you anywhere.

Maria
well, said Lisa!!! it's hard to tell people these things and them not get defensive, i was a supervisor at one point inmy life and when my people came to me, with problems such as these it was hard to do but, i address them in a way not to offend anyone, it took a bit of work but, enough of that. Just well said Lisa and they should follow her advice.

David
One of the first early warning signs of Alzheimer's Disease is a decrease in sense of smell. Since men don't normally wear a ton of cologne (unless they're in high school and bathe in the latest version of "Axe"), it's not as prevalent. In women however, it is because they apply perfume until they can smell it, which means you and I can smell it 3 miles away. The study I'm referring to( http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/75986.php )Also mentions Parkinson's Disease as a possibility. In all seriousness if this woman is older (over 40), someone might want to suggest a visit to the doctor. Those nice old ladies in church that wear the stuff that seems to so thick you could eat it with a fork..........might be dealing with something far worse than they know.As for the co-worker becoming upset, I think the approach might be the cause. Instead of being harsh with her about it, perhaps a quiet off to the side conversation would have been better, explaining both the problem, and the concerns.

DearBubbie
Less is more.

Maria
i forgot one good point if you like to smell your own perfume, put a tiny dab under your own nose!

Michelle
I would ask her what kind of perfume she's wearing. More than likely she's going to ask if you like it and at that time take the opportunity to say, "Well, not really ... but if smells similar to something my Granny wears" or something like that. She will probably be embarassed and stop wearing it..if not you must write a letter to the Bongo in charge..You wouldn't light up a smoke in a oxygen tent or in the presence of a person with bronchitis or asthma, right? too much strong smell has that same effect on a person with a breathing problem, asthma, or migraines.

Chris
I grew up with asthma... nuff said. I detest most perfumes. There are some mild, earthy, fruity type smells that don't attack me! Vanilla is my favorite. In a workplace it is rude to wear strong perfumes like that and it may turn off customers. As an owner/boss of my own business, I had a no smoking/no perfume policy. There were a few girls that thought it was a silly rule, but your letter reinforces to me that it was the right thing to do. ESPECIALLY, since my business was a restaurant. Perfumes also change the taste of food. So if you are going out to a romantic dinner and think perfume might be nice, add it to your neck, ears or where ever, after the meal... maybe in the restroom as you are getting ready to leave.

Sara
Be careful what you wish for - You may prefer the strong perfume over the smell she is attempting to cover up. :)

News Depresses Her! What's a Woman To DO?

2010-06-10T05:57:00.000-07:00

DearBubbie.
"I love to keep up with current affairs - from Hollywood to politics. However lately, some of the news sinks me into such a depression, I almost don't dare read the newspaper. I hate reading about the suffering of people and animals. I never used to be like this - now it's getting worse and it's hard to come out of my... dark hole. I don't want to be uninformed. Do the Bubbies have any suggestions?"
__________________________________________________________________

DearBubbie:
IF you're married, have your significant other cut out horrible looking pictures from Section A that show suffering. The radio could be a good source of news and you can QUICKLY change it to a music station and then flip it back. That way you're informed without the depressing details. BTW, you're not alone, Rosie O'Donnell got on anti-... See Moredepressants after the Columbine shootings. And I'm sure this has been going on for DECADES. Sometimes a certain news story will totally depress me, but I can't change it - so I have to try to do my part in this world to offset the bad. You can even do your home page on your computer to something FUN and LIGHTHEARTED so the bad news isn't in your face all day long.

Sandy:
I read the comics first :)

Chris:
I don't have time this morning to expand on my comment, but you should talk to a doctor about depression. I have a family member that had similar reactions to the news and this person over the years has sunk into bad states of depression. For your health and the well being of your family, research the effects of depression. It will only get worse!

Janet:
I used to cry reading some of the newspaper. I just don't read it anymore.

DearBubbie:
Chris - your answer depressed me!!!!!!!!! It willl only get worse?!?!? I LOVE YOU, THOUGH!!! Thank goodness for various thinking, because who knows WHAT'S RIGHT OR WRONG. I think we should try to work things through ourselves FIRST before running to a doctor. It's easy to become a hypochondriac or talk it into ourselves that we suffer from ... See Moredepression when it really may just be a bad spell. I LOVE that people come to the Bubbies to try to help them sort things out, before spending a massive amount of money on professionals. If it seems BIGGER than us or all suggestions have been tried - DEFINITELY see a doctor. I see that as kind of a last resort, though - and that could be wrong. Healthy people DO seek help - whether it's through friends, Bubbies or health care professionals. I think if I researched "depression", I'd think I had it!

Sandy:
There is a chemical in our brain called serotonin and when it gets depleted from emotional stress we can get depressed. Medication is need to replace this. And Chris is correct about depression it will get worse without help. There is a difference between Sad and depressed. I think most of us get sad from time to time but if you can't function in ... See Moreyour every day life and everything overwhelms you even the small stuff it's time to get help. Sometimes it take a family member or friend to recognize this.

Gordon:
This is truly a strange time to be in Florida, as a former TV news person I realize I watch way more news than the average bear, but lately the area station's "Who got shot last night" daily reports have been replaced by" how much closer is the environmental and economic destruction of Florida from our shores", and if that wasn't bad enough, inbetween stories of 10w30 Armageddon are the same old blowhard politicians spouting even more ridiculous pap than ever ("Bill Mc Collum WILL REFORM GOVERNMENT")(wonder if hes allergic to Kriptonite), Just as the American fled to Austrailia in "On the Beach to be in the last area the fallout would come, Sarasota residents are best served for now to turn off the TV (mines on a music channel with all 1950s songs) and go out to Siesta or Lido Beach while you still can

DearBubbie:
I hear both Gordon and Sandy. If you DON'T get depressed with the news today - THEN I think there's something wrong. But no reason to see a doctor because the news upsets her. Janet stopped getting a newspaper. There's a solution. I CRIED my eyes out at the poor man who killed himself (because of finances) and put his dog in his air-conditioned running car and left a note that the dog was friendly. HE should have seen a doctor, but because I'm sad (and horribly so!) reading it doesn't mean I want to start reading up on depression. But I think drugs for some people is NECESSARY and a GODSEND. Just not a first resort, for fear that it will 'get worse'.

Sandy:
Well that's the difference you're SAD not depressed.

Gordon:
My favorite thing people used to say was "write your congressman", totally useless then and now, in microcosm in the 1970s attended many a county commission meeting where scores of people would speak in protest of a rezoning and the CC would pass it anyway, it was said "You can't fight city hall" before I was born and its truer than ever..

Michelle:
I can't stand it...I refuse to watch the news, when I do find out about something horrific..and I usually do on a daily basis, I feel like I will go completely MAD...so I feel you for sure..and unfortunately..things are only going to get worse, so you have to develop Dinosaur skin..

Pamela:
get involved in something so you feel you are part of the cure!

Michael R.:
I don't tend to advacate the burying of one's head in the sand, I do see how the 24 hour news cycle can make one feel overwhelmed and glum. It requires perspective. Remember that most cable news is sensationalized and is coming from far away. Why should an assault in another state ruin your morning? Don't watch it. Tune in to local news exclusively. Stop listening to world news for a while. The Middle East is a mess. It always has been ans will be long after we're gone. So why bother yourself with it? If we didn't need their oil, we would never even send a news crew there!Two suggestions: Google provides an excellent service called Google Alerts. Just type in a subject/name/event you want to be kept in the loop about and it will send the top stories directly to your email daily or weekly. I have alerts sent to me about people and topics that I deem valuable. Not what some program director or news producer feels will sell the most laundry detergent.Maybe take a few weeks and explore this marvel if technology. We live in an age of choices (too many, perhaps). There's no reason to be spoon fed their grim "if it bleeds, it leads" news stories.It's your world. Choose your news. : )

Pamela:
I think you are really taking it too seriously. The stories are what others want you to read. Get the NY Times. More news news, not the other.

Charmaine:
1.- Limit your exposure 2. - Get your news from public radio (Studies suggest this for homes with young children as A - visuals have much more impact and B - You skip the hyper rhetoric and sensationalistic drama. News junkie parents can get their info without traumatizing kids mroe than necessary.) 3 - MOST IMPORTANT - Do something positive EVERY ... See MoreDAY to feel like you're helping balance the universe. I remind myself of this daily with a note on my bathroom mirror that says, "My purpose today is______." Fill in that blank EVERY DAY. Volunteer. Make a donation. DO GOOD! Everyone sits around and says how much they care; how many get off their ass and inconvenience their cozy little lives by actually doing something? "If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem."4. - Hang in. if you're over 20 you can probably remember many times when you felt like this and eventually the situaiton did pass.

Gordon:
Better yet, The Daily Show and Colbert Report( convenienty stacked adjacent) can restore your sanity better than any CNN or MSNBC broadcast ever could...

Pamela:
and if you read the NY Times, once a week read the Metropolitian Dairy. People write in "titbits" of stories in the city that will restore your faith, or at least get you to smile. It's one of my favs (Gordon my niece is interning at Colbert!)

Michael R.:
Do a Google search for "Google Reader". This might be the solution you're looking for. : )

Michael R.:
Also, Gordon's advice is excellent. Stop watching the news for a while and program your TiVo to record The Daily Show with Jon Stewart once a day. You will get the top stories with a smile.

DearBubbie
Basically, get rid of what depresses you OR find an alternative. Kind of like if sugar affects you, then try Splenda! The advice here was ALL top-notch. And, if she's still depressed. .then a visit to the doctor could be in order. I just feel we live in an over-medicated society as it is - and drugs seem to be the panacea for everything that ails us.

Gordon
Since theyre free(and don't have to be rewound) DVDs from the library have become my latest diversion, "Burn After Reading" was hilarious black comedy and "Lars and the Real Girl" was quirky to say the least...But both took my mind off the issues of the day and a good recliner with a decent high def TV combined with Orvilles popcorn beats any theater any day..

The Furor Over a Smile

2010-05-01T14:00:00.001-07:00

Never in a million years would I think an innocent entry I wrote on Facebook would cause dissension. This was not on the DearBubbie Facebook Page, but on my own personal page.

BP's oil is spewing out in the Gulf of Mexico and only a few of my acquaintances understand the magnitude of this devastation. There was such an outpouring of help for Haiti's earthquake victims, but there is none (yet) for the innocent victims and the environmental loss of this man-made disaster.

As I was scrolling through my FB Home Page, I see a reporter with a big smile on his face. His location and tagline: Orange Beach, Alabama as the Gulf coast prepares for oil spill.

I comment: "Honey - why the smile on your face?"

He replies: "Because the oil's not here yet and the Alabama Coast is a nice place to visit."

Subsequent comments on his page tell him that it looks like he is enjoying his assignment!

Since, it's HIS page and he can write whatever HE WANTS on his page, I take the task to MY page. I write:

"FB Reporter friend on the Gulf Coast in Alabama with BIG SMILE on his face covering the oil spill. I ask: Why are you smiling? He replies: : "Because the oil's not here yet and the Alabama Coast is a nice place to visit." Sorry, but unreal. Is this a vacation or are you covering a devastating oil spill? Time to defriend. I'm sure the residents appreciate his consideration of their impending losses with his smile."

My subsequent comments look like this:

"Maybe he's just appreciating the beauty of the Alabama coastline before the oil craps it up, and thus the smile. As a former reporter, my assignments took me to beautiful places facing tragedies that I would never had visited otherwise."

Me: "You are kidding, right?????? You really AREN'T that self-involved or bubble-headed. I know you better than that. You had a JOB to do and focused on the task or impending devastation ahead. That to ME feels like saying I'm going to Haiti - what a beautiful country and I'll get to see it and SMILE - while these people are undergoing CRISIS. I worked in the media, too. . I'd have rather seen TEARS than a MORONIC smile!!!!!

Another writes: "I am sure when the time comes for him to focus on the story and be professional and serious he will be just that.. Sometimes you just have to make the best of a bad situation. Looking for a bright side does not make you self-involved or bubble-headed!"

Me: "it's one thing to be a tourist or a flight attendant - it's another to be on assignment reporting something horrible that is about to happen. People will lose jobs, their homes will be worth nothing, tourism will be DEAD and it will take YEARS for the environment to recover. If doom and gloom were to hit Sarasota, I don't want someone from Atlanta coming to MY HOMETOWN and 'making the best of a bad situation'. There is NO BEST to make of an oil spill caused by GREED. Say YOUR house was about to explode, your cats are inside - and there's a reporter standing in your front yard - SMILING. Would you defend him then? He got a nice vacation to Sarasota??? I honestly don't get the line of thinking. And it's not a tragedy for just Louisiana, but for our nation. This is our Gulf of Mexico. And it will affect Sarasota's beaches and waters. I think it's AMAZING that it has to happen to some people PERSONALLY to understand the enormity of what has happened and what is happening! Did you not see what I wrote about Haiti? Hey - maybe there was a bright side to the Holocaust!!!"

Me: "Didn't mean to be so sarcastic. You were just trying to explain your viewpoint. Mine is obviously very SOLID to ME as yours is to you. "

Then, I receive a comment from a holier-than-thou person who tells me it's not cool to INSULT others who have a different opinion. So, I go to HER page and there she is calling people who disagree with her views "Fat boys". Since she thrives on attention and inciting anger and drama, I simply choose to delete her comment. It always surprises me when someone tells someone else HOW to act on their own page. It's like telling someone how to behave in their own home.

I didn't even insult anyone. Except for the reporter with the moronic smile.

So more comments:

"THE TIME HAS COME! @ Julie: Totally agree Jules, except that all these waters are connected so this will affect the world! Did you know that a WWSB reporter years ago committed suicide on the air because she was so distressed over news coverage? No one with a lighthearted approach to disaster should be allowed on camera!"

And I let this woman have the last word, since typing was simply being wasted on her.

"Yip. Much better to commit suicide on the air because you are depressed with the news than to smile whilst on a beaitiful beach. Seriously?"

Later, I recalled a few years back turning on the TV the morning before Hurricane Katrina hit the coastline of Louisiana. It hadn't even hit and the tone was foreboding. I had to turn off the television. I couldn't stand to watch it.

I couldn't imagine standing where this reporter stood. In an eco-system rich with wildlife, birds, vegetation and fish and knowing that all this was going to be destroyed. And with it, jobs and homes would be lost and lives forever changed.

It hasn't reached our shoreline yet, but it will. And, if I saw a reporter standing and smiling at our impending losses, I'd want to take their ignorant unthinking asses to the middle of the oil slick and drop them off there. Let them breathe it in, drink it and try to swim in it.

This morning, I ran into an Editor at our local paper. I remained neutral and asked what she would think about a reporter smiling on the shoreline before the oil slick did its damage. "Was it a TV person?" she asked. "They'll smile at funerals!"

"No, I'd be there to do a job. It's work. Of course, I wouldn't smile."

And I'm left wondering: How can I hate someone who is justifying a smile and those that agree with that smile?

Because I do. I hate them.

You have Everything if you have Love

2010-04-26T07:15:00.000-07:00

Whenever I have a problem, I go straight to my 81 year old mother. Not that she is EVER any help - as I have to repeat gems of the problematic storyline over and over to her and she never fully 'gets it'.

By the time I'm fully vented out, I'm too frustrated with what she has to say anyway. The advice is always the same: "As long as you have love, you have everything!"

Of course, she's right. I'm lucky that I have an amazing husband after breaking records for being the "longest-single-living-in-search-of-love" woman on earth. I did wonder how I made it through my problems and was happy (most of the time) when I didn't have 'love' in my life.

When Mom recently spun her words of wisdom to me, I agreed with her, but wondered: What about the Single Bubbies out there? How do they get through their problems if they don't have love?

Immediately, she responded that love doesn't come just through having a husband or wife. "You can love your home, where you live, what you do. You can love your things or your pets. You can love your life. Love is everywhere!"

Immediately, I wanted to pass this along to all my single friends. Life is worth living if we have love and everyone has something/someone to love. Our problems are unimportant as long as we have love in our lives.

Two nights ago, I was watching a movie: "Year of the Dog". The heroine didn't have a husband, but became an animal activist. The movie ended with this soliloquy:

"I wish I was a more articulate person. I believe life is magical. It is so precious. And there are so many kinds of love in this life. So many things to love. The love for a husband or a wife, a boyfriend or girlfriend. The love for children. The love for yourself. And even material things. This is my love. It is mine. And it fills me and defines me. And it compels me on."

I had no idea. I guess my Mother gets it a lot more than I ever had or could. I think I'll call her.

Dating Age Differences/discrimination

2010-04-15T05:40:00.000-07:00

This post comes from the DearBubbie Facebook Page. Feel free to comment as well.

DearBubbie
The Topic is Age Discrimination in Dating. Why do the older men (and some who will lie) ONLY date younger women? Women, have you ever been a cougar and how did it work out? Men, what are/were your age restrictions?

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Jeff
Simple instinct, having to do with reproduction.

Janet
I've had relationships with a few men who were younger than I. Even married one of them. While I would not have considered myself a cougar (I was in my 20's, and another time 40), none of those relationships lasted. The men were too immature, and didn't get where I was coming from (experience-wise). Have also dated men 10 years older than myself, and that didn't last, either. I like them older by about 5 years, and am happily married to one. HOWEVER-I've also seen relationships where the woman is old enough to be the guy's mother, and it has worked out well. I think this is just a matter of personal preference. As for the men who only date much younger women, I have questions about just how in-depth their relationships are. Remember 'Shallow Hal'?

Janet
Exactly, Jeff. If it's all about sex (reproduction), how deep is their relationship? BTW-good to see you comment on here!

Jen
From someone who spent 7 years madly in love with a man almost 21 years older, I can tell you that our relationship was very "in-depth". Granted he was perhaps the most vain person I've known...but that doesn't change the connection we shared. NOW, however...I want younger...does that make me a cougar? Same age, a few years younger, it's all good.

Karis
Okay ~ been a cougar. Didn't work so well with the man that lied about his age to appear older (who the hell wants to be OLDER?). There was a 19-year age difference. I don't think the age difference would have been such a factor if he hadn't lied about it. RED FLAG from the get go. As others started hoisting themselves up, I was done.Almost all the other men in Italy I've dated have been younger than I am ~ anywhere from 4-8 years. I don't count that as being a cougar though. My long-term relationship in the US was with a man 11 years older than I am. So I've had both experiences.The most important to me in a relationship is not age but common values, morals, interests. Things that actually sustain a relationship. I've met young men that are years ahead of themselves and I've met older men that don't have a Fu@king clue ~ go figure! It's a jungle out there...for the cougars, the bears, the lions and the apes!!

DearBubbie
I asked a FB male friend to comment on this topic, since he was actually angry with me for not wanting to date someone as old as he was. He only dates YOUNG YOUNG women - and they go for it. He's intelligent and charming, has 'some' money, but I was NEVER attracted. I don't know where the attraction is and these women that he did date are attractive and intelligent.

DearBubbie
I remember getting involved with a man 17 years my junior. I felt kind of embarrassed. And I kept thinking when I was OLDER, how people might think he was my SON. Fortunately, he dumped me after a VERY short amount of time. Whew!

Janet
Yes, Jen.....you two did have a wonderful relationship, and it showed. You, however, are exceptional. You are mature, and highly intelligent, and self sufficient. So-it worked for you. I am talking about the very young women who idolize the older man, thinking.....wisdom, experience, someone to look out after and provide for them. And-what's wrong with that even? Personal preference.

Chris
I prefer a man a little older than me. Men that I have dated that have been the same age or younger I have always found to be too immature for my taste. However on the flip side I have dated men that have been quite a bit older that still don't know the first thing about maturity. I , like Jen had a 5 year relationship with someone 25 plus years my senior and we had a great relationship with a lot in common as long as I was catering to his every need. Selfish like her experience. Bubbie, the attraction I think was the charm and looks and the sense that he had some stability to offer. It was after my divorce from a man that made me feel very insecure about his safety and our future together. It was never about the money, as I was too stubborn to let him "pay my way" for anything. The only thing I would accept monetary wise was a trip every year that he wanted us to go on. I did not have the savings for those kinds of trips but I did have the funds from the sale of my restaurant to take a few weeks off every year. And it was my intent to stay with this man through sickness and health. We owned 2 homes together and I was a part of his daughter's life and the life of his 3 Grandchildren in Sarasota.

Jealousy reared it's ugly head with him, not over another man, but over my love of horses. He made me choose... I don't do well with ultimatums and he didn't either! Yes, there were other differences, but none of them had to do with age!My husband now is 12 years older than me and I had to figure out the age difference this morning again as I never keep it in mind. We have many hobbies that we share and a few of our own. I feel like we share everything and feel safe with him and trust him 100 percent.So older, younger, or the same age is a matter of your preference. Don't worry about how others look at your relationship. They never know the whole story, only what they see from the outside. Listen to your mind first, then your heart. My only warning from experiences of my own is for woman in age range of 18-early 20's. You have the rest of your life to live your life for a man as a wife or as a Mom. Don't rush into any relationship until you have had the time to grow yourself. If a man won't support your decision to go to school or build your career before a full time relationship/marriage with him at an early age, then he probably is very selfish. You have the rest of your life! And if he really loves you, he will be there for you. Not that marriage and Motherhood at a young age are a bad thing if that is your ultimate goal.

I have several friends that were married young and are still happy 20/30 years later, and in the case of my Grandparents, 70 years later! But if you have always wanted a certain career or a college degree, or to ride across the US by motorcycle or sail around the world or volunteer as a missionary, DO IT FIRST! It will make your future relationships much stronger knowing that you didn't change your dreams for another man or for a woman. (Goes both ways here!)

Susan
I don't have much experience in this area, as I have only dated men within five years of my age, and I've been married for almost 25 years... BUT I will tell you that I work in the health care field (I am an acupuncturist), and these older men that are with younger women have the worst lower back problems I've ever seen, lol! They get treated, feel better, then they go home and get their energy drained that night and return with the pain. It's kind of funny that they just won't see this, and when I attempt to discuss it with them there's usually a pretty solid wall. From a purely physiological perspective, younger men match up much better energetically with older women. But our society doesn't really go for that theory!

Chris
Again, I wish Susan had her practice in Sarasota while I was living there and with an older man! LOL!!By the way, my first husband and I were the same age. I don't think I mentioned that. He was a very good person and a hard worker, but we just were not on the same page, at all! I should have seen it earlier, but I followed the heart, not the head!! And I did my best to make it work, and give him time, but remember that people should not change for us. They need to grow and change for themselves.

David
I have dated much younger women by up to 17 years my junior. I was up front about my age, and the age difference.I received a few remarks as to cradle robber, and the rolling of eyes from others. I did not actively seek these younger women out, they approached me. And true I could have said "NO"... I had on call me a few years back, and express that she wished she would have gotten to know me as a person, and not just for sex. I have dated older women also, I had one that was a RN, who was a widow 12 years my senior. Her deceased husband was a Doctor, she offered me what ever I wanted, but I was not for sale and just didn't feel right. Some can be very mature for their age, and some older ones can be very childish.

Susan
LOL Chris - I would have been happy to help! I just want to add that ANY age can be right for someone, as long as it's the right person. I try never to judge about what someone believes in... :)
Chris
And Bubbie, to address the issue of an older man that will ONLY date much, much younger women. He probably has some hangups of his own. And for someone to actually get mad at you for not accepting a date because of his age tells me YES, he has a issue, or two or maybe three?? There is no such thing as a perfect age in a mate. It has nothing to do with the calendar people!!

Jennifer
That's funny Susan. I'm dating a guy 6 yrs younger than me and the only time i feel old is when he talks about rappers with my kids that I have never heard of! Oh, and also when I see my gray hair, wrinkles, fat body, etc... Other than that, it's fine!

David
Very true Chris! As long as both are comfortable and compatible.

Anastashia
In my humble opinion; in general men are attracted to younger women first on a visual level. It also helps that in most cases a younger woman is willing to work harder to make the relationship last, vs. women of a certain age have more on their plate and can't spend every waking minute focused on every move their man is making.

Alisa
When it comes right down to it though, it depends on the emotional maturity of both parties, if the Maggie May/cub partnership works. If it rocks your world, does it really matter what anyone else thinks? It is your life; you are the one who decides how it is going to be lived. You just have to live with the consequences of those choices, good or bad. I’m the only one of my siblings that married someone older than themselves – so I guess cougar runs in the family….then again, I am at an age where even the younger men are older. LOL!To answer your question – and I am generalizing here guys! : Men look to procreate, women look for the best provider – it is a simple analogy but it rings true. We are just genetically built that way. Men don’t stop to consider their age as they hunt for the next partner to put the babymaker to. If it is offering, he’s likely taking. That’s how they are made. Procreate. The younger women, more likely to reproduce that say yes, are also following their inherited trait - find provider. If the older man appears interested, she is likely to use her attributes, to entice him to provide her with an evening, weekend, life that she would not alternately have. She can’t help it; she’s just drawn that way. IF I WERE A SINGLE WOMAN -------I would certainly not let age define my relationships; that said I prefer someone closer in age. I like confidence in a man, younger men often feel they have something to prove still and that can become tiresome. There is a lot of bravado in young men, a false confidence. There is something about a man who just knows; and that comes from ripening over the years. I don’t like to be with someone who hasn’t had enough life experiences to be interesting and thought provoking. I don’t want to be a teacher, nor a babysitter in my relationships. I did that with my children. If I was just looking for a sexual fling, then a younger man would be ideal – energy, enthusiasm, tight abs (smirk) and then it would be over. Ya-yas would be taken care of, no obligation to linger……. They would also be lovely arm candy for those social events that you don’t have a regular date for, so you can make your girlfriends and acquaintances drool. (okay, that was put in there for humour. Sort of. It would also be very difficult to socialize with a younger man’s friends, who are often younger still…..Think how awkward it would be, to feel like the parent at a party the younger partner invites you too? Yuck! Of course, the delicious whispers that would travel through YOUR own social circle as you introduced a cub to the gang, would be fun…for a while. (hee hee)

David
Great comment Alisa.

Sandy
I married my husband of almost 17 years when he was 24 and I was 33. We have a son that is 15 and amazing! I wouldn't change a thing. We are STILL each other's "arm candy" and it will always be that way! I still consider myself one of the "original" cougars and I love it! I say do what makes you happy. Age is a number not a prerequisite!

Sandy
That's so true, Sandy.. I love the two of you, and always thought that you belong together. I know everyone used to tease you about cradle robbing, but most of them are divorced now, lol! (not really laughing, though :) )

Jen
Thank you Janet! I think it helped that my husband did not at all LOOK 20+ years older than me...nor did he act it, and he thought it was funny and was flattered when people thought we were father/daughter. I'm going to add though that I have since dated other older men (20 or so years) that think they can "own" you based on either their money or their experience/wisdom. Who needs that? I think a younger man would be wonderfully rejuvenating! Just like kids keep you young..maybe that's a bad comparison, but I'm thinking somebody younger than me would not be jaded or cynical or have so much baggage? I'm curious though, what exactly IS a cougar...cause I don't want to be one!

Sandy
Thanks Sue! I love you guys too. I appreciate the thumbs up.When you belong together and you know it,working on it just comes naturally♥

Chris
My favorite George Strait song... It just comes Naturally. It is my ringtone when my husband calls.

Sandy
I love it !

Karis
Alisa ~ as always ~ great comments for us all :)

Alisa
Re: multiple dating... Dating and bedding are different animals. Get to know as many as you want, choose wisely who you bed! Unless there is the expectation of exclusivity from one of them, then date away. You'll find the one who is special to your heart and then you will stop the others right quick!

Michael
Historically, I never had "age restrictions" on the women I was attracted to or dated.However, I did have "maturity qualifications" and "drama-free" requirements.

Jen
Can somebody please define "cougar"?

Alisa
Woman over 35 who likes to date men younger, usually much younger and makes no excuses for it

DearBubbie
Sandy - that's a great story! Great comments!

Rebecca
I dated a wonderful vital energetic man who was a Leo with great hair--and he was 23 years older than me. At the time I was 36. I remember thinking at the time. well, are you crazy about him anyway? And the answer was YES! He never pretended to be anything other than the age he was...but there were serious INTIMACY issues...not sex...about allowing women to be close. Turns out he was in a repetitious pattern...after 5 years of crazymaking, I had to go...

Maureen
So, here I am back in the dating world after 18 years of togetherness. I am so new to this dating thing that I am bound to make some mistakes, hit a few bumps but always keeping in mind to give myself a break should I bed with the wrong fella. I only have the right intentions towards a man, no matter what their age, I am all about attraction, can they keep me laughing, are they romantic/passionate, smart, exciting, and have the stuff that can make a relationship really meaningful. No one is perfect, I know this, so I am not going to let the age of a man stop my good intentions. I'll keep looking!

Michael A.
Age restrictions were 1/2 my age + 7; now my age - 6.

The Bubbies Take on Battling the Bullies

2010-03-25T05:23:00.000-07:00

From the DearBubbie on Facebook files:

DearBubbie,
How does a child deal with bullies on and/or off the school grounds? Does getting parents involved make the situation worse? Have you or you child ever been the victim of a bully?

Janet
Bullies have always been around. When I was young, they were the name calling,, shoving, face shoved in the snow kind of bully, and we had to take care of it ourselves. To do otherwise would have made the bullies come down on you much harder. Today's bullies are much more violent, and it scares me. As a parent, you can't talk to the kid, or you ... See Morecould be in trouble. Speaking with the parents is oftentimes equally useless, as the parents are where the kids learned the behavior and think what their child is doing is perfectly normal, or the parents are in denial about their 'little angel'.

Maureen
Let Me start with this statement..I am not a fan of MIDDLE school! It is the toughest three years in a child's life!Yes my children have been bullied. They have all reacted differently to the situations, because they are three different kids.The worst episode was when a child wore a white T-shirt under his school uniform so that none of the teachers could see what was going on. He had a sharpie with him and was asking other kids to sign his "I HATE MOLLY" shirt and to give a reason why! Nice kid.Well late in the day someone did notice it or overheard the chatter and one of Molly's true friends told her about it.Long and short of it the principle pulled everyone into his office who had signed the shirt. The school called me. I went down to pick her up but she did not want to go home until she had a chance to face her bully.The principle allowed her to sit in on the explanation of the said shirt and also allowed her to speak her mind to the bully.It was a very difficult situation for her but she did not back down and that made me be one PROUD mother!!

Chris
You Go Molly! She takes after her Mama!!

Jen
I like Molly! Sounds like a pretty cool cucumber!

Jan
What an awesome girl Molly is!

Chris
I remember back when I was grammar school age and a neighbor kid my age was bullying my brother who is 4 years younger than me Well back then, I must have already had the "biker chic" in me because I told him I would kick his ass if he didn't leave my brother alone!I only had one girl in high school try to give me some bully grief... I remember her name. It was Marina. I didn't back down and she eventually left me alone. She also had to face me a few years later when my Aunt married her older brother and we were at the bridal shower. She hid her face the whole time! I seemed to get along with almost everyone growing up. I know I was one of the lucky ones. I used to hate seeing anyone get picked on!Kids can be very mean. Especially girls! They can so cruel with choice of words, where boys tend to get more physical.... Teach your kids to be open with you. It could be very difficult to go home and tell a parent you are getting bullied if that parent is a hot head.

Mike
I think kids have to be taught how to stand up for themselves. If you don't show that you can hit back, the child will always be picked on. You can't always depend on adult supervision.

DearBubbie
I think that was a Brady Bunch episode, wasn't it? Thanks, Michael.

Lance
As a former victim of bullies and a former teacher (six years) I've seen my share of bullying. Remember, bullying is one person seeking power over another. Intimidation is just one way of doing this. Children will also talk about someone to other (indirect approach) that weakens the victim and makes them an easier target. Bullying isn't always physical, but it's the easiest to see.With all due respect to Mike, violence isn't the answer. Defending yourself is one thing, but you don't need a fist to do that. Then how do you defend yourself? It depends on the age of the child, really. If a K-2 child retaliates against a bully physically, and you praise them, you're sending a message that promotes fists over words. Take ALL bullying reports seriously, call the principal, not the teacher. The teacher will respond to the principal faster than a parent. Teachers are hard working people that do more in a day than almost any other profession AND track their kids educational and emotional progress. They can't always pick up the phone or call you back THAT day. But the principal can put that issue at the top of the teacher's list. Sit down with school support people (guidance counselors and such) and talk about the scenario. Make a plan.The best plan that I would come up with in my class is that if a child feels bullied or threatened at ANY TIME, walk to me wherever I am and tap me in the arm THREE TIMES. That was my cue. The child would go to the restroom and I would go to my desk. They would come out in a minute and I would wait for them to come to me and tell me what happened. All of this is done in private. If the child was seriously distressed, I sent them to the office with a bully note that took him/her to a principal or the guidance counselor. They had a meeting and, from there, a conference was called with that child. YOU MUST CONFRONT A BULLY! Most bullies won't carry out a threat, but you can't hope they won't. Through a meeting, a bully will often, not always, back down or, at least think twice. Also, most bullies have multiple vicitms; if a principal sees a bully more than once, more immediate action is taken. Most schools have a bullying response framework; read it!... If the bullying continues to where a child can't operate safely, then a move is made either to another room or, in rare cases, another school. Schools are working very hard to deal with bullying and I STRONGLY encourage parents and caregivers to use the tools schools have. If you feel your child's concerns are being ignored, document what HAS happened and the response of the school. Then, call a lawyer, the superintendent, or, if it's a middle or high school student, the police. Be proactive; never ignore a call for help. If you do, the child will take action that is most often, very damaging to the child and other children.

David
I never really had a problem of being picked-on by Bullies myself, I was always a scrapper and never ran away from from a Bully. I learned at a very young age to stand-up, or be picked on. I had a friend in Middle School that was always being Bullied, his lunch money was always taken by this Bully. I just happened to be there one day when it happened again, big mistake! I not only made this Bully give my friend his money back, but I shoved him in a locker and locked him in it. And told this Bully that if I ever heard of him bothering another person again, that I would be hunting him down and give him the ass whipping of his life. When I was in the 1st grade, I witnessed this woman beat my mother severely as we were walking to the store. She was never a scrapper or said anything bad about anyone. This woman wanted my dad and was told no, so she thought if she beat her bad enough she would let him go. I've hated Bullies ever since.

Jan
Excellent response Lance!

David
Yes Lance, excellent comment.

Lance
Thanks Jan and David. Always make an effort to keep fists out of the outcome. Often, a bully, like any abused person, was once abused themselves. It doesn't make it appropriate, but the chain of abuse must be broken.

January
My daughter had a bully in the 4th grade (3yrs ago) it was the day before Christmas break, The kid (a boy) comes up to her and says "I'm getting a gun for Christmas, and when I get older, I'm going to hunt you down and kill you". She didn't want to say anything to me, but 2 of her friends told me (I was at school that day for an event) as soon as... See More I found out, I asked the girls to tell the teacher, since they heard him. This kid only picked on her. He was taken to thew principal, and he cried like a girl!!!!About a month later, my daughter's teacher called me to let me know that the kids mother asking her for our number. The teacher told her she could not do that. The mother then told the teacher, please tell them that we are "Christians" and we don't teach our son things like that. He has never done anything like that. Shortly after this, the kid moved!It took my daughter a long time to get over that, she was always looking around. : (

Denise
My son was getting picked on at the bus stop. He was only in second grade. My husband, who was picked on every day in school enrolled him in karate the next week. His karate school is great. They teach "bully moves." My son also knows it is not acceptable to use his karate for anything other than self defense. It is ment to remove the other person from him and then to seek help from an adult. It has also given a lot of confidence not to mention balance. He is getting his Jr Black Belt this saturday!

DearBubbie
David - I loved your response. You are a lot like my husband. Denise - I think martial arts - with the right instructor - is such a good thing for boys and girl. ANd for sure, I'd think it would be a bully deterrent. Lance - I had a feeling you would have a great answer. Thank you so much. Part of this question however is - what if it happens OFF CAMPUS? January - I'm so sorry for your daughter. Imagine celebrities who get these kinds of threats. . .I'm glad the parents followed through.

Chris
I am going to give you an extreme case of bullying that I need to leave very vague as it happened to one of my former employees. And sometimes, I am sure some of you may think, what does she know about kids or teens? She doesn't have any of her own! But as a side note. As a business owner for 9 years I had many youngsters work for me, as well as many at The Bath & Racquet Club. Many of those 15 yr olds and up counted on me to be there for them as a mentor. I considered all of them to be "my family."I had one tell me the story of going out one night against the wishes of her parents. Well, she was date raped and threatened. The fellow HS student threatened to kill her family if she told anyone. She was afraid to admit to being out in the first place and blamed herself for the incident.I understood her having the fear of telling her parents as I had very strict parents and I got the brunt of that strictness as the oldest child. My only point here to make is to please make sure your child knows that it is always safe to come to you with a problem or a mistake that they have made. That yes, there may be some consequences, but that you will love them no matter what. This particular young lady did have great parents! And she eventually told her Father. School is a very tough place. Make sure the children in your life tell you about their day... every day! Even as an employer, I asked questions daily of my staff. If you know that child well, you will know quickly that something is not right with them.

Chris
Oh and January, my heart goes out to your daughter. That was a terrible burden for her I am sure for a very long time. And Lance, great answers!! You sound like a wonderful mentor!

January
Thank you Chris.

Kelly
I can't say that I ever remember being bullied as a child/adolescent. My daughter has had a few girls pick on her recently, mostly about her hair, which is naturally curly and insanely thick and sometimes difficult to work with. I am trying to teach her to defend herself using words, and to let these girls know that she likes herself just the way she is. I also remind her of how beautiful I think she is and that many adults are jealous of her hair. I told her, too, that these girls are most likely jealous of her and her hair and pick on her as a way to make themselves feel better. I hope it is working, and I check with her to see how she is doing. If she feels physically threatened, she knows to go to a responsible adult and let them know. It is unbelievable how mean kids can be, even at this young age.

Tatiana
I have a LOT to offer here, but I am packing to go back to Miami.....my oldest son (25) was the victim of bullies all his life because he has not only Asperger's Syndrome, but is also Schizophrenic....we put him in Martial Arts (which he loved) but that didn't help him be more assertive. As he grew up and my 2nd husband and I encouraged him to ... See Moredefend himself, he slowly became more aware of things and more confident. One day he asks my ex-husband to "quickly, hurry-up and give him" our dog and her leash at the time (he never walked the dog or anything...lol) - so, naturally, we wondered why he wanted to hurry up and walk the dog? We looked out the window and saw him run up the hill in front of my house just to catch up with this kid who bullied him since he was little, Kevin Taylor, and grab him and beat him up!!!! He was 12 or 13. Now - I am NOT an advocate of violence AT ALL - but I must admit that I was happy that after all those years of people picking on my son, he defended himself, and that was the end of everything! Word got around the neighborhood, and NO ONE has messed with my son SINCE!!!!!

Tatiana
AS for Maureen...she is RIGHT! Middle School are the toughest years for a child. It's that awkward stage when they are growing up but are not quite adults yet. 7th grade in particular is rough. I am saying all of this because I used to be a teacher (Special Ed) years ago and I did also work in 2 different middle schools throughout my career.

Michelle Jo
As a teacher, i would much rather know about the bullying from the child (or parent) than from the principal! when parents circumvent communication with the teacher, it creates a disconnect. i ask myself, why didn't the parent feel as if i could take care of the situation? i am a strong, loving teacher and do not tolerate bullying. i admit that i don't catch everything- but at least give the teacher a heads up. when i know about it, I (the adult closest to the offender) can intervene. i give victims the power to confront bullies and require restitution of some sort from bullies. WORK WITH THE TEACHER, PLEASE! (This is assuming the teacher is a good teacher!)

Lance
Michelle, surely as a teacher you want to know ASAP. However, as you know, a teacher's day is terribly busy and we can't always pick up the phone. I want to know about this ASAP. A principal will get my attention immediately. The teacher is THE CENTER of the bullying team and s/he will dictate what happens in the classroom and is the first line of defense. It was ABSOLUTELY not my intention to suggest a teacher's role in this is below a principal OR a guidance counselor and I very sorry if that was the preception I gave. When all three work with parents and the child, progress is made and a solution will most likely be found.Michelle, I applaud you as a caring and involved teacher.

DearBubbie
Yeah, I agree, Lance. Michelle - they need to make more teachers like you. I hope Rebecca Prozzo also comments since she's a teacher.

DearBubbie
Here's my Bubbiehubbie's Bully Story. . happened in Norfolk, Va - the 1970's. They decided to segregate a black high school. My husband didn't have RED hair - it was bright RED/ORANGE. While all the white kids looked alike, John stood out like Ronald McDonald. What he remembers is that the black kids didn't like the white kids coming to their school. One of the questions they other students would demand was: "Give me your lunch money." Girls and boys would get beat up if they said: No. There were security guards on campus, but they'd just break up the fights. There were no repercussions except for a trip to the principle's office. My husband said he learned how to fight because of this and lesson one: Survive the first punch.Once there was a mentally challenged kid that was surrounded by five students. John went to his defense. He recalls it like it was yesterday:"This isn't right," my husband told the kids."Get outta here, this ain't none of your business.""If I leave, he's coming with me."The next thing my husband knew, he was upside down, getting beat up, getting a bloody nose and the mentally challenged kid was nowhere around. However John said the kid had the wherewithal to get a security guard. A few days later, the same group yelled out: "There's the guy who helped the retarded kid!"And he got beat up again.The same thing happened when John saw his buddy surrounded by about 4 - 5 kids. He quickly gathered two more guys and they fought for their friend. But again, because of John's RED hair, they would remember him and point him out for yet another fight.He said this continued from 7th - 12th grade. I asked my husband if this affected him in any way. He replied: "I never did very well in school."John's Mom was going to pull him out of that school. I wonder what would have happened if she had.This was only thirty years ago. Times have changed, thankfully.

DearBubbie
Geez - sorry for the typos. You can't scroll back to see what you've written for pete's sake!

Chris
It is FB spelling Bubbie... it doesn't count!

DearBubbie
From an anonymous Bubbie: "Your husband sounds like a good man. Not sure if my experience was actual bullying, but definitely intimidation. There was a particular gal, the ruler of many, that for whatever reason began to focus on me. I was one of the reasons that I came to love my humanites teacher so much. Once a straight A student, I dropped to an F in her class my last semester of my senior year because more often than not, I wouldn't go to her class. I had her right after lunch and this girl and her followers would hang out at my locker waiting for me to show up. Never one for confrontation, I would avoid. But this teacher knew something was up for me and while my grade held as an F, she didn't turn me in for skipping (it was that year that they started the absentee benchmark - if you missed X number of classes you would automatically fail). I went out to my car after school during that time to find my tires flattened, but you can't assume..........." This anonymous Bubbie is one of the sweetest people I've come to know - I'm so sorry she had to go through this. . .HOWEVER, as we talked about in the topic 'revenge' - the girl who caused our Bubbie so much grief did indeed get hers. But that's another story for another day. Thank you, anonymous Bubbie. ♥

Chris
Like I said... girls can be so cruel. I hope Karma worked itself out for her bully. Go to bed Bubbie! Me too... Goodnight!

Michael
The best ways to deal with bullies you ask? (Or maybe you didn’t): 1. Train and become proficient in Mixed Martial Arts and vow never to practice on a human outside the ring. 2. Do not elevate a situation with words. 3. Walk away. 4. Run away. 5. If caught by the bully (or his/her friends)… disregard number one above and destroy the aggressor (FYI, with good training, that should take one to two shots and less than 5 seconds before the ground game begins). BTW. In my experience… bullies rarely have good fighting skills.

DearBubbie
Thank you, Michael - great post.

Should a 16 year old Work?

2010-03-03T05:59:00.000-08:00

From the DearBubbie@yahoo.com mailbox and the replies from our DearBubbie Facebook page.

Dear Bubbie:

Teenager just turns 16. Her goal is to make it into a Florida college (extremely tough). Grades are good. However, she wants to follow in the footsteps of her brother and work at a grocery store. Money has never been an issue for this family. Brother got involved with wrong people at work. Should she work there? Any ideal job thoughts for a girl that age? Or should she not work at all?

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Janet:
Don't quite get this questions. Her goal is to go to a Florida college, and she wants to work in the grocery store at the same time, or after she graduates?

DearBubbie
Thank you for allowing me to clarify, Janet. She wants to work WHILE she's still in high school. She just turned 16 and wants to work in addition to going to school. But it appears that her lofty ambition to get into a four-year college will be compromised with more focus on socializing and work at the new job - like it did with her brother.

Janet
I don't think that working part time while in high school will compromise her college education, as long as she keeps up her school work. Plenty of teenagers do that. It's not the job that would interfere, but any bad decisions she makes-such as hanging out with the wrong crowd, and letting her social life interfere with her schoolwork.

Sarah
Personal Experience - The people you work with do effect you. I don't think its a good idea for a young lady to seek employment at a place she already knows has alot of the wrong sorts of people working there. Just asking for trouble.

She should definitely work, but there are probably better options. One of My First Jobs was at a Starbucks Style Coffee House - It was fun, I felt cool, Met Cool People, and My Friends came to see me and get coffee all the time. Great for a Teenager. Another great job Option for teen gals is to work at a clothing store like Gap/Old navy/Charlotte Russe Etc... Make Some Money and get a discount on clothes etc...

If Money is not important - Concentrate mostly on school. You can also find volunteering opprotunities more rewarding and character building than a job if you find the right opprotunity (and there are LOTS)

Don't seek out a job that has caused trouble for people in the past. You will only be subjecting yourself to those same influences which you felt were bad for your brother. You might be able to handle it better than he did, but why make your first work experiences be negative ones?

Good Luck! SCHOOL FIRST!

Chris
I would highly recommend a job as a teen in the grocery store business. I worked for A & P Supermarkets in NJ in HS and I learned a lot in that business. Also at 19 yrs old I was given my own department as a manger and made close to $30,000 my first year. That was over 20 years ago! And if I knew then what I know now about managing people and running a business, I may have very well stayed in that business and been a merchandiser or district manager. I have friends back from those days that are still in the business that are great people with excellent careers making a wonderful living. It can be a very high stress retail job and supermarkets count on a huge amount of part time employees, so that is a huge challenge. I would tell this young lady, that if she enjoys the job then take it and learn as much as she can about customer service, financials, merchandising, purchasing, inventory, scheduling and put it to work with a college education! The supermarket business gave me the background training that I needed to run my own restaurant and it was an excellent thing to have on my resume through the years. I still have a reference letter from my store manager when I left A & P and I cherish his kind remarks about the job that I did for him.

There seems to be a stigma that a job at a supermarket is not a good career path. Do not be fooled by the aprons and silly hair nets. Managers make over $100,000 yr with bonuses and department heads these days can make $50,000 and up. It is hard to get a full time position as they usually promote from within. I believe in that concept. And if this young lady gets a college education and she finds that she loves the business, she would have a good chance of moving up.

So if her family is discouraging this part time high school job because they don't think it is a good place to work, they should think again. How many college graduates do they know that are unemployed or possibly bagging groceries to pay back a college loan? She might as well learn what the real world is about and I congratulate her on wanting to work hard and learn. Her brother meeting the wrong people has nothing to do with the business choice. He could have had a job as a Doctor or Lawyer and got mixed up with drugs, alcohol, liars.... you name it they are everywhere!

Janet
Yes-they are everywhere...in any place you work. That's why it all depends on the choices she makes. There are most likely also great people to associate with where her brother works.

Jan
Just because they are brother and sister does not mean that they are exactly alike. This girl is making good grades, wants to go on to a Florida college and WANTS to work. Sounds to me like she is an ambitious young lady. What kind of friends does she hang around with now? Chances are she will gravitate to the same kind of friends in a working environment.

Chris
Why is it more cool to work at a Starbucks than Publix? It is all a matter of what you consider a cool job. Do what you like and LOVE what you do! Most supermarkets offer college tuition for their employees as well. Even a company like Tractor Supply Company does that for their part time employees! It is an excellent benefit!! More so than a discount on clothing. I see some people work a t a retail store like the Gap and they spend more than they make because they get a discount. That discount won't do you a bit of good if it gets you in debt! And some supermarkets also offer discounts on their purchases. Not sure about Publix but I believe Whole Foods does.

And again, if she hangs with the wrong kids at school, she will find the wrong people to hang with at Publix too. A job at a Supermarket could teach her so much.

Just a side note. I always compliment any teenager at a job that I feel has an excellent attitude and has helped my shopping experience be pleasant. I believe kids these days don't get enough of that encouragement. And if I see someone that is rude to a teen employee for no reason, I usually try to make up for it when it is my turn to interact with them. ... I also had many teens that I hired at Word of Mouth Restaurant when I was the owner. These kids bussed tables, hosted, cashiered, prepped, took phone orders, etc. Nothing glamourous. But many of them are college graduates now that are working hard to break into the field that they want a job in. But until they find that job, I know that I taught them great skills that they can use at any restaurant to keep a cash flow coming in until they find the job of their dreams.

Tell this young lady to work to enhance her life learning, not just to get a paycheck to spend. Learn how to save and multi task. And Sarah is right... your school work must come first, especially if you want to get into a great college!

Alisa
she wants to work, it is a good thing. Don't dissaude her!

DearBubbie
I love Sarah's post. This teen idolizes her older brother - and I fear he wants her to go down the same path. I also think working part-time IS great, but be around the FIELD you want to strive for. In example - work at a veterinarian. She had business as a babysitter - learn how to save money and be busy on weekend nights. Or work for a family ... See Morebusiness and learn entrepeunerial skills. And you're DARN RIGHT, Chris, about earning good $$$'s at a grocery store with EXCELLENT BENEFITS, but that isn't her goal. To get into a college, you do have to show volunteer hours and take advanced classes and do well in them. This job surely sounds like a distraction to me. And what about for the weekend when you ARE behind on your homework or you WANT to play sports or see a movie - and you can't - because you're working. I think - that when we get OLDER, we HAVE to work. Why create hardship at such a young age when she doesn't have to? This is the time for piano lessons, schoolwork, organizations and discovering who you are. Her brother was also at the same place she was - with school being all-important. Basically his life went downhill after taking this job. But Jan has a great point - whoever she gravitates around NOW, will be the same type(s) she gravitates towards at work. I've just seen this young girl 'justify/explain' her brother's choices of friends - and I can only shake my head. Logic at that age can be filled with holes.

DearBubbie
I disagree, Alisa!!! LOL!!!!!

Chris
Who is asking the question here to begin with? The 16 yr old or her concerned parents? I was an excellent student with great grades, I played softball, was the editor of my school paper and I worked at a supermarket. It has nothing to do with where she works or if she works at all... it is all about how she handles her choices. If she idolizes her brother, maybe the brother is steering towards poor friend choices. The job won't do that for her. Some parents home school because they are so fearful that their child may get involved with poor friend choices. Believe in your kids, support them when they are trying to work hard and be independent, and help them get over a mistake when they make it. We all do make mistakes, don't we?

Allison
Publix is a great company to work for...and they do hire 16 year olds. Let's face it...in this economy it can be hard for ANYONE to get a job. And there are bad seeds in any line of employment. The parents just need to keep a watchul eye, and look for teachable moments. Use the bad seeds as examples of what not to do. Summer nannying and good ... See Moreold fashioned babysitting are also great ways to make money. I made $10-$15 an hour as a nanny when I was 17-20 and that was almost twenty years ago! I also still keep in touch with the kids who are graduating from college and masters programs. I learned a lot about parenting in a sort of "hands on" environment...invaluable experience!
Mon at 9:14am · · ReportLyn Larson My son worked at Publix starting at age 14 and enjoyed it, had no trouble with others there and still maintained his grades. He's not a straight A student but does pretty well. What is also important for her is to study for the entrance exams for college. UF for one is almost impossible to get into without 4+ GPA plus other qualifications they want.

Working helps you get a better perspecive on live and money and relationships. It also makes you learn to balance the things in your life so you can keep up with all of them. School, work, hobbies, friends, etc.

I agree that she should get a job where she wants to work and can enjoy the work. If we all learned early on to strive for a job that we enjoy, it would have helped many of us choose different paths than we did. I know I wish I had followed that course, instead of liestening to what people told me I should do. I finally figured it out, but I was older and wished I had gone the way I had wanted. ... See More

I wish her well in her endeavors; she sounds ambitious and should do well.

Maureen
This is a topic that I am living right now. I have a child that is a freshman in college and another that is a junior in high school.

We never pushed the older one tho get a job because his studies and his sports came first. Now that he is college he is at a disadvantage because all the other kids that have had more work experience as well as interview experiences than him have been able to find a job. He has not.

Now my daughter on the other hand wanted to go on a youth leadership conference in Washington DC and we said yes if she could earn her way. She took a job at a local fast food place and worked with different kids than she had within her own circle. Some of the kids went to different schools, some had different backgrounds as well as different life experiences. She had a great experience learning with them and from them. As well as the life experiences from having to answer to other adults, not teachers and not parents, and how to deal with working with the public.

I work for a local grocery chain which means that I work with kids 16 yrs olds and they come with all different situations as well. yes there are "bad kids" in the work place but they are also at school and church and at the mall etc It how you deal with them that matters to your own growth.
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If this child doesn't have to work to have money for insurance then it become a choice and not a necessity let her make the choice if she doesn't like it she can leave it. There is nothing wrong with trying out different jobs while young. that is actually the beauty of being young.

Sarah
Work is not about Glamour. I just threw out an example of one of my first Jobs. I also worked as a Dishwasher, A Waitress, A Warehouse/Shipping Clerk, A Receptionist for the Boys/Girls Club, and as a Vet Assistant working Full time Night Shifts at a Large Animal Hospital All Before I was 18 (WHile Putting myself through high school and running a household) And there is Nothing Glamourous about Helping a Vet do a Necropsy on a Pregnant mare at 3am when its 25 degrees outside.

With that said - I LOVE the idea of a Teenager who is motivated to enter the workforce and balance that with School and Future Goals. there are lots of great PT jobs for Teens out there, grocery stores are just one of lots of options.

One of my BEST experiences (that helped me decide on my future career path) was when I worked 3 afternoons a week as a receptionist for the Boys and Girls Club and then if I had extra time the rest of the week I would go down and volunteer to help with fundraisers and networking with the community to find sponsers for Club events and generate donations, Working with the kids, and helping kids with homework. If I did not have time I was not obligated to go. It worked out great. I had plenty of time to take care of personal responsibilities, My Own Schooling, and Earn a decent PT Paycheck. (and it looks great on a Resume).

I ENCOURAGE this fine young lady to Work - I DISCOURAGE her from putting herself in a bad situation. There are OTHER grocery stores to work at too.

Chris
Great points Maureen! Too bad Jake can't use helping us bus tables at Word of Mouth when he was a young child coming to work with Mom! I agree with Maureen. Employers are looking for College grads, but they also look at life experience.

And Sarah, I know what you mean about being out in a cold, wet barn with a vet in the middle of the night... See More! Not very glamourous at all! LOL! Especially when you are wearing pajamas and mucking boots!! I always hate calling my horse vet late at night... but horses never get sick at normal times, do they?

David
My opinion would be if she wants to work part time, by all means go for it. But if the wrong people try sucking her in to their group she needs to say something to her parents, and or employer. I commend her for wanting to, but not having to work. And to seek furthering her education is fantastic! If the grades start to slack, or start calling off work to run with the in-crowd. Then it's time to take a step back, and take a perspective look at everything and see if her goals have changed. A 16 year old female is usually more mature than a young man of 19or 20. Keep your goals focused, watch out for the distractions of others trying to persuade you by peer pressure. Stick to your goals and you'll succeed where others fail.

Sarah
Great Post David!

Allison
Might I add that I also worked at Chuck E Cheese (my first job) and yes I did have to wear the costumes...which turned out to be both hillarious and fun and a great story as I have aged. Work is not about glamour and I really believe work is essential to building character. I am shocked how many young people these days don't work.
My 13 year old daughter works with me at the Indian restaurant on weekends to make spending money for her school trip to DC and NYC in May. I bet she thinks twice before she blows any of that money...and she has gained a ton of confidence (especially dealing with adults!).

David
Thanks Sarah!

Chris
Great comment David! My parents tried to discourage my jobs as they felt I didn't have to. I know the real reason is that they were trying to protect me from the wrong environment. All parents want to protect the children from the wrong outside influences. I was a very independent and strong teenager and very mature. I wanted to make my own money. I had a 100 house paper route at a very young age and was used to working. I also had many baby sitting jobs as well as pet sitting.

I had some wild and crazy friends, but that doesn't mean I let them influence me at all. I was the kind of kid in HS that just got along with everyone... the jocks, the preps, the junkies, you name it. But I was a good kid. I wanted trust and respect from my parents and believe me when I say I earned it.

I have seen a lot of parents these days push their children for a dream or career/college path because that is what they want for them. Who really wants this girl to get into a particular college? Does she want it or is it her parents telling her that is what she wants? Watching the Olympics this week was such a great experience, but there were several mentions of young athletes that were under so much pressure to win a medal. Why is there that much pressure at such a young age? Don't make your dreams, your child's dreams. Encourage them the best that you can to have a worthwhile goal... but make sure it is their goal.

Chris
Oh and Bubbie, I just reread your last post. Supermarkets can teach you the skills for just about any endeavor you are striving for... Financial, human resources, inventory, merchandising, customer service skills (Big one!!) and many more. And most Supermarkets are very involved in charities and it is a great place for a teen to get involved with the community. I know Publix used to be involved in many of the same charities I was in Florida and I know Whole Foods was a part of the Empty Bowls event and Giving Hunger the Blues. I will say again, that working for a supermarket as a teen was invaluable to me especially as an entrepreneur!

Charmaine
Read/listen to Deepak Chopra's "Seven Spiritual Laws of Success."
priceless.

Jan
Well said Chris!

Rose
In general - I would encourage her to work if she wants to. It's great that she has ambition and wants to try new experiences. Her parents just need to lay down some ground rules - for example limiting the number of hours she works, how late she works, and with the understanding that if her grades suffer she'll have to quit or cut back on her hours.

Chris
Maureen, maybe you can shed some light on rules for employers for hiring 16 yr olds as well. It has been awhile for me as I sold my business down there years ago, but there are laws for hiring teens, max hours and lateness, type of work, etc.

DearBubbie:
The girl desperately wants to go to UF. School is just sooo much harder than when I was in school It's much more time-consuming. My experience (way back when) was that I didn't have TIME for a 'real' part-time job. I was so busy with band! Summer is a great time for a kid to get their feet wet with employment and if this kid's goal IS COLLEGE - ... then I'd advise her to get a job or INTERN in an area that she really wants to learn more about.
DearBubbie really nods to ALL of the comments - it shows that while we may have different approaches to a kid working, everyone has the kids' BEST INTEREST in mind. It seems the consensus (and I think it's a good one) is if the kid wants to work, let her work but keep an eye on grades, hours and who her new work friends may be.
I'm not a Mom. I definitely would want to make sure my kid had some downtime and fun. I'd consider school their FULL-TIME JOB. You're only young once!

Maureen
there are definitive rules at where I work reguarding minors

A brief overview but not everything...
no more than 27 hr a week
no more than 4 hours on the clock before a off the clock lunch period ... See More
no working past 10pm on a school night
no working more tnan 7.5 hr on a day before school

Alisa
My daughter, Erika will be my example. She has worked since she was 15, with my blessing. Since grade 11, she held two positions of employment, which has continued to be her pattern to this day. She is currently in university, studying chemistry - after taking both paramedics and culinary arts. She is now 24. She left a $50,000 a year at the VON to go to university, but still keeps a part time position there and at the hotel chain. She wishes to become a dietician to combine her love of science and food.
Not only did her grades not suffer by working while in school but she: graduated on the honour roll from high school, got awards in science and math, completed a winter survival training program offered through the high school and was the top fundraiser for the school in her final year. Oh, and in there, she endured emergency surgery at 16, where they opened up her chest to remove a massive cyst from her entire chest cavity and throat. She was off school for months that year.
Erika got into every post secondary program, each quite challenging in their own right, that she ever wanted to take. One of the things they liked about her was her focus on her goals. It improved her ability to get into those programs because she proved she could handle challenges and be successful.
This summer, she is off to South America, on a humanitarian mission to the Amazon. She will build schools, wells, play and teach children English for two weeks. Instead of baking on a beach during her summer break, she is hauling a backpack into the jungle and is spending her time helping others. Her medical training from paramedics will no doubt come in handy. (Am I nervous? Damn right, I am but I admire her incredibly for being so brave and strong.)
Don’t sell this young woman short. If she is a good student and a generally good kid with a head on her shoulders, why not let her try it on for size? First, she has to go through the application process and acquire the job; a good experience to have. Yes, she gets to socialize a bit at work but, she has a job to do and responsibilities to the employer. Let them teach her the consequences, if she doesn’t do her job. ... See More
The reality of working may not appeal to her once she actually starts doing it. Sixteen year olds sure love their girlfriends and a social circle and don’t forget the parties she will miss out on! Maybe the pay cheque will make her want to be very responsible because, like Erika, there were things she wanted that we would or could not provide. Working part time allowed her to have her hearts desires, usually clothes! LOL
As parents, you set boundaries around the daughter and the job taking – hours, grades, social activities, attitude, savings vs. spending…. Giving her the opportunity to make some independent decisions now regarding her life, that are positive – like working – will boost her self-esteem and confidence. She may even be like my daughter, determined to be sure the rope I gave her to hang herself in the beginning, never gets tight.

Chris
Well said Alisa! I really believe in working as a teen. So many adults look for work after college with no work ethics, goals or personal skills. It amazes me that so many kids get everything handed to them. Bravo for giving your daughter that rope! Good luck to her in the Amazon! Very exciting!!
Chris
And I know that many kids do have great work ethics from college work, so don't take that as an insult to all kids fresh out of college. I just believe that working helps. And like Julie says, it does not have to be a paying job. It can be an internship or a volunteer job. Most employers take volunteer work into consideration!

Alisa
Thanks, Chris....I hung myself too many times in my youth. Nice to see the apple fell far from this tree! LOL

Erika
Okay, I know I'm a little late... But here's a view from me :)
I worked (as my mother knows) at two different places while in high school (Lenny's Sub Shop and Coldstone) while putting in a few hours every once in a while at my mothers work. I don't think that my school work was ever compromised. Wherever you work there are going to be other teens ... See Morethat are involved in the wrong type of things.... but it's what you make of yourself, not what others make you do or force you to do. If you remain strong, you will succeed.

Rebecca Prozzo
As a teacher I see many of my students at Publix, I have to be honest. Their hours stink. They go straight to work by 4 and aren't getting off til 9 or 10. These are not students making the high grades. Be sure of that! Granted, there are exceptions. Monitor their work hours and ASK TO SEE THEIR work! :))

DearBubbie
Thanks, Rebecca. I just talked with a woman who went to Princton. Did she work? "Yes, I interned for my Dad." Did she think she would work AND go to a good school? "No."

Her Boyfriend Doesn't Like her Kids!

2010-02-08T05:31:00.000-08:00

From the DearBubbie@Yahoo.com Mailbox: "I've been dating a man for over two years. I've never felt this way before and neither has he (we're in our late 30's); But, he isn't connecting to my kids. He says they're 'great', but there is no bonding and no support. Everythiing else is great. I don't know what to do. There could be problems... in the future, because I really did want a man to love my kids. .
Signed, Should We End It?"

These comments come from our DearBubbie Facebook Page. Of course we'd love to hear from you, too!

Lyn
If he isn't there for your children, is there really a future in this relationship? You might still date him, but I think I'd keep my eyes open for someone who does relate to the children and would bond with them and more. But that's just mho. Good luck!

Chris
How old are the kids? And how do they feel about bonding with another man that is not their Father? Bonding with a child can be tough even when you want to with all of your heart. And what do you mean by "there is no support?"

Richard
I suppose the "thinning of the herd" principle does not apply. Cats (and Rex) will always be there in a pinch...

DearBubbie
I'm so sorry to leave out the kids ages. I edit A TON to fit in the word limit. Two nine-year old boys and one six-year old girl. They do sports, but he'll opt out of watching them and leave that to Mother (even though he does sports himself). He picks and chooses - rather than really being a part of the brood.

Janet Bishop Castro
His actions indicate what kind of step father he would be. He is not only NOT supportive of the kids...he is not supportive of the mother. If he won't become part of the family, he will always be an outsider, and that won't work.

Chris Mucklow Meyer
I think at such a young age that the Mother really needs to be concerned about finding someone that can bond better with the kids. But even at that young age the kids could be giving off vibes that they don't want him around and maybe he is respecting that. Has she been on her own for long? The state offers an excellent class on dealing with ... See Morechildren of a divorce. When my husband divorced, I found it absolutely necessary to attend that class with him, so I could try to relate to what his 17 yr old daughter was going through. Her future step Dad did not. And even though she has not bonded with either step parent at least I can relate and empathize with what she was going through. Boys and girls handle divorce differently and the ages have different reaction levels as well. See if she can get the boyfriend to attend a class like this. It is a few hours, one night. If he shows no interest, that can be important. He may have no intention of ever wanting to bond. And maybe he just doesn't know what to do. Has she actually brought up her concern to him? Some men are just awkward around kids. Doesn't mean they don't love them any less. This is a tough subject because we don't know all of the details. Meeting a future spouse with children has a lot of issues to tackle. You need a very loving and understanding partner. If he is not those two things, I would move on!

The Follow-UPFOLLOW-UP From the Mailbox: "It is so hard to find the right person. He is RIGHT in every way, but to be honest...it's like I'm dealing with another child who wants attention. Sometimes I feel like he resents the attention I give to my kids, even though he thinks I'm a great mother. He's everything, but the ONE thing.... . .will this change over time?"

Janet
Have to laugh. I had one like that. He actually got upset when I bought sweat bands for my daughter (she had taken up racquetball), and didn't pick up anything for him! Notice the word 'h-a-d'.

Karis
Oooo.....more information. Okay, not likely that he will change pouting for the attention, especially if he's in his late 30s. Those are personality traits that are probably pretty firmly ingrained. My ex-husband pouted too. Notice the word "e-x".Funny Janet! Did I marry your ex?

DearBubbie
Marriage makes problems worse - not better. When someone didn't connect with my dog, they were out the door. And my dog tested my dates. I didn't care WHO they were. Yes, I was wrong - I was SINGLE for FOREVER as a result. Now I have someone who LOVED my dogs, barks and all. I desperately wanted to bond with my husband's kids - but they were ... See Morereally too different. (In example, DearBubbie is girly-girl; his 19-year old daughter wanted a BB gun and a knife for Xmas). BubbyHubby feels that his kids were part of his PAST life that I didn't choose - so it's up to me if I wanted to be a part of it or not. However, he didn't have custody. I think if any man makes you feel badly about having kids - or you start thinking things would be different if you didn't have the kids, I'd get rid of him quickly. Having kids was probably the best thing you've ever done and being a great Mom is a priority. If the man in your life doesn't 'get that' and love you for that, it's time to let go. The RIGHT person for you and your kids is out there. It just can't be the right person for you. . . Karis - it is amazing the tight bond that you helped created between all your kids. I was always surprised to hear you say you had five kids - when I knew you biologically had three. That is wonderful This guy has no kids - I think she needs to move on - unless he has some kind of breakthrough.

Rebecca
Caution: You want a partner, not competition for your children. Does he not come to their events because they are the center of attention, and not him? Is he uncomfortable in those situations and somehow finds a way to bring the attention back to him by moping, withdrawing, passively getting angry, finding something else to do and only being there... See More for things on his terms - regardless of your feelngs? After two years, if there were going to be the connection you want for them, there would be one already. The kids are only going to become more self-centered and demanding as they get out of the "cute" stage that yours are in. If he can't take it now, how will he take it then? Does he realize how important this is to you? If he does, he's either incapable or unwilling. Is either one something you can live with?

DearBubbie
Janet - I always NOD with your comments. You're an excellent Bubbie contributor.

Janet I've made alot of mistakes. LOL Still make some, but not the same ones.

Karis Janet ~ learning from our past mistakes is an empowering feeling, isn't it? Now ~ if we could just eliminate them altogether!

Sarah Cross
sounds like she has much more insight into whats going on than she gives herself credit for. If He is competing for attention than he isn't someone I'd want around my kids.

DearBubbie
Nodding, nodding Rebecca and Sarah. Key here also is - he probably won't change. And also what Rebecca said - when they're out of their cute stage, things will probably get worse. I think she's hoping he will change. . .

Janet Something many of we women often think we can do, and try to do-change things/people. the nurturing part of our spirit is to want to make everything better...kiss the boo-boos away.

David
It is never good when your hopeful and dream man, competes for attention with your children and others. And in his late 30's...not good at all. He is set in his ways, granted some people can change. But I gather that he is used to being pampered, and being number one. Honey find a real man and one that can be a great addition to your household, instead of a deterrent.

Tatiana AGREED!! If he resents the attention you give your children, he should be OUT THE DOOR! TRUST me, I know what I'm talking about on this one....I had a very bad experience with my daughter with a bad boyfriend. Enough said.

Michael Even if it could change (which I personally doubt), it wouldn't happen fast enough.Keep looking.
·

Karis
Wow ~ this one is a toughie. We always want our mates to love our children. That's human nature. They are young enough, but if they have a strong relationship with their own father (which wasn't mentioned), may not be emotionally mature enough to separate the two. As for the boyfriend...he's dating a woman with kids and as such, it would be nice to be a part of the "brood"...he kind of signed on for it by dating a woman with kids. That being said, it takes time from all parties to build solid and trusting relationships...especially with young children who may not trust their environment and subconsciously not wanting to get hurt.And...dating and living together are also entirely different animals. If this couple decides to live together the dynamics will change. It is not this mans responsibility to support the activities of the children ~ sure, it would be nice, but he has a life outside of the "brood" ~ mom does not.I blended my young children with a man and his 2 children many years ago (our daughters were only 3 when we met). My children had/have a wonderful relationship with their own father and no need to look elsewhere for a father figure. The same was true of my step-children. When we moved in together, our dynamics changed and we were BOTH more physically supportive of the schedules that needed to be kept. We both shuttled each others kids around, though I did much more so than he. I think that's just me as a mom. I didn't complain and looked at the time as an opportunity to bond with all the kids.... See MoreThe relationships that were formed were all different and always evolved. I was closer with his children than he ever was with mine. I knew he cared about them, but I never insisted that he love or support them. I did insist he love and support me, as his spouse.We have now been divorced for 5 years. The relationships that remain intact are the most beautiful. Our collective 5 now-adult children remain best friends and all live within 10 minutes walking distance of one another. They never refer to one another as step-brother, or step-sister. That is the silver lining that was my cloud of divorce.Sorry for the long post Bubbie. This one hit a few chords :-)

Chris
That is great Karis!

Karis
Chris ~ they are all amazing kids. And I forgot to mention that I remain in constant contact with my step-children. I can't say the same for my ex-husband with my children. He does see them occasionally, but only if they happen to be with his kids.My step-son has his mother and I listed as his "parents" on FB, omitting his dad. Speaks volumes, in the end. When I'm asked how many children I have my response has always been "5". I never divorced the kids and take great pride in my part in raising them...ALL!!... See MoreTough topic all the way around.

Sarah How about before we damn the man and tell the gal to pitch in the towel - They plan a outing together. A Camping Trip would be perfect. This is not only a bonding opprotunity it is a situation he can't opt out of. Once you got him out there he will be forced to work with the kids/family as a whole. It could be eye opening. I say a 2 day camping ... See Moretrip to a place where they have some fun activities would be great - like canoeing etc. Sometimes its hard to bond with other people's kids, that doesn't mean the guy doesn't care... maybe he just needs that break through moment.

Rebecca
Interesting topic. With kids of that age, there is going to be a long time that this guy would be a father figure. You have to make sure you make the right choice for you and for them and realize that you are making a decision for those kids that they have no choice in. If he is not going to attach after two years, then he's not going to. He's ... See Morenot concerned with helping the kids through the adjustment that they are going through. C'mon. He's had more than ample opportunity and he obviously realizes that it is difficult for you. If he's not willing to get outside of himself and do his best for you and for those kids, he doesn't have it in him for whatever reason. Either decide that your choice for you is more important than the right choice for your kids, or send him packing and wish him well. Your children deserve an engaged step-father and if he hasn't given it his best in 2 years' time, he won't and you'll be stuck for the rest of your life trying to force your picture of a happy family when you just chose the wrong guy. I have 3 boys and there are plenty of men willing to give it their whole heart - it's a matter of which one is right for them, and for you, because it can't be just you, and it can't be just them. Don't settle for less just to keep the companionship of a man who doesn't fulfill one of the biggest desires of a woman - a loving, engaged family. You will never be happy with such big part of your heart unsatisfied.

Karis
Sarah ~ I think that is a stellar idea. Camping wouldn't be my "personal" choice unless it was a B&B campground ;-) ... but an excursion for a couple of days of some kind. You do bring up a good point for the guy as well. As I said, it all takes time.

Janet I am in full agreement with Rebecca. Two years is plenty of time for things to happen naturally. Don't believe in 'forcing' a relationship, which all of the mentioned bonding exercises/lessons suggest.

Sarah
when I was Young day to day life was not enough to bond me and my step father. We damn near hated eachother - but as I matured and we were forced through DIFFICULT situations together we bonded. We are VERY VERY close now. These kids are young and may be giveing off the "you aren't my daddy" vibes. Good Luck to the Gal making the decisions!

Michelle
Would he ever be the kind of father you would admire? What does all of this predict about the kind of step-parent he will be to your children? Has he ever participated in parenting workshops? Most importantly, Is he even open to talking about any of this, or does he just turn a deaf ear? Sorry, but it sounds to me like you have reached make-it-or-break-it time...

Chris Mucklow Meyer
Sarah hit the nail on the head. Kids can really send the signal to go away! It takes a strong person to love them anyway. Her step dad was probably a very strong person and a good man. I hope those traits work out for me in the end with my step daughter. I only wish I had had the chance with her when she was a very young child, not at 17 yrs ... See Moreold. My husband have talked about adopting from the Foster care system here in Kentucky. And boy don't I know that it will most likely be very rocky and heart breaking at times. (Maybe you could address that topic another day Bubbie!)Communication is key between this woman and man she is dating. He has to be all for it. If she is not openly asking him, she may come to find out that he may not ever really be interested in being a family. Then, the ball is all in her court.

Chris Mucklow Meyer
Karis. Your story is wonderful. My ex that I lived with for several years has a daughter the same age as me. We are still very close friends and I love her children like they were my own family. Her husband and I also chat on the phone if he happens to answer. I also keep in touch with my ex's, ex wife, who is a wonderful Mother and ... See MoreGrandmother! My ex was very selfish with his time and I made the effort to spend more time with his family and Grandchildren than he did. Some men do NOT outgrow the attention needing stage. So Bubbie, tell this woman that is asking for advice, that I found that if a man is not interested in giving up "his" time, he will not share his time better with age!!!!

David Wood
After 2 years into the relationship and still no bonding with your children, as young as they are. Something is not right, over the years I have dated women with very young to teenage children. I never had a problem bonding, no matter how young or old. He needs to find a common interest they can all be comfortable with. Does he scold the children when your not around? Does he try to take an interest in each one, and do fun things with them? If not I would think about moving on.

Karis
Interesting twist to my blended family story Chris...my first husband (father of my children) and my step-children (from my second husband) are also VERY close. He also accepted them as HIS own because of the relationship they had with our children. This past Christmas at the dinner table was: My first husband, his partner, myself and my 5 children. Interesting choice of where to spend Christmas evening for my step-children I would say. Again, very telling. (Do you need a flow-chart?) :-)

David
My first wife had a 3 month old son when I met her, I raised him as my own for 17 years even after she left he lived with me. To this day he calls me dad because we bonded so well, and I consider his boys as my grand-sons. Didn't mead to get off the topic.

Chris
Karis, I am following that flow chart just fine. We had many Christmas/Thanksgiving dinners like that. I offered to hold the dinner at our home once because there would be so many guests crammed into Grandma's little condo. My ex blew his stack! He did not want his own Grandchildren running around the house... they could break something. I ... See Morejust couldn't believe what I was hearing. I guess he thought his "things" were more precious than the family gathering. It would not have been a problem on my part to put such said "things" out of the reach of little fingers! Again, it boils down to the importance of family.
Fri at 11:08am · · Report

Karis
David ~ I think any of the "off topic" experiences may assist this woman. Collectively many of us have dealt with similar circumstances. What screams out loud and clear to me is this: 1) People don't change, not all that much; 2) A needy person is a needy person, putting their needs above all others...a mother of young children that has her ... See Morepriorities set to be those of her children should not have to give into the needs of late-30-something adult male; and 3) It sounds as though this woman, who cares for this man a great deal, also cares for the well-being of her children. It doesn't sound like this man fits the "full package" bill that both she and her kids deserve.Time to start fresh...

Judy
End it. Period.

Chris
David, my real father died before I was born and my Mom and Dad married when I was a toddler. He adopted me and raised me as his own. My Grandparents that live with me now that I care for, are not "blood" related but they always treated me as real Grandparents. I always love it when someone tells me I look like my Dad or my Grandmother. We all ... See Morejust smile. My Mother was very lucky to have found someone willing to take on a toddler and a woman that had a horrific experience finding her new husband dead. Mom was only 18 yrs old when this happened. She did not even know she was pregnant yet. Big undertaking for a man in his early twenties. My parents are still married.

Judy
My step father didn't try to be my dad but he did charm me in other ways and still does to this day. I made sure he was a huge part of my wedding day too. He's loved and taken great care of my mother for 28 years and now he's all of the sudden having to have chemo treatments three weeks a month. My dad's gone three years now and he's been even ... See Moremore of a dad than my "own" dad was. I think I'll start calling him dad now. Just thought of that. I think he'll like it during his final days with us.

Rebecca
All great posts... I wonder, if he hears her needs and it remains unresolved, he's jealous of her attention towards the kids, if he puts himself to the side of the biggest part his lady's life because it doesn't revolve around him, might there be a thread of self-centeredness and lack of empathy in other parts of their relationship? Maybe, if you look closely? If you really want to, that is? We all see what we want to see until we're ready to see it with honest eyes.

Rebecca
Judy, great story of love for your mother, and in turn, love for her children. Wow. I think calling him Dad would be an incredible gift...because, in fact, it sounds like he's been one without the name. My heart is with you during a very diffcult time for him and for the people that love him.

Rocco
As a man who has dated ladies with children who never has trouble connecting because I am "Made To Entertain Children", as I have been told, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he needs to find some kind of common ground with them to build from. Sports, cartoons, kids movies, school, ..... SOMETHING.... and then he needs to interact ... See Morewith them in a solo capacity without your influence for an hour or two at a time... not much more... not much less.... THEN if it doesnt' work out with them kick him to the curb.. nicely, of course... RAT

Chris
Ah, Rocco, I knew you would like this page. A bunch of writers with opinions... you will fit right in! I can attest that Rocco is made to entertain children!The only worry I would have with any man I am dating taking my kids solo, would be a trust issue these days. Do your background checks ladies. And be careful that their Dad does not have ... See Morea major problem with this idea. Rocco, how would you feel about your daughter spending solo time with your ex's "new" boyfriend? And how would you handle it?

Rose
If this man isn't connecting with your children now, he probably never will. Unfortunately, if he isn't connecting with your children, he's not really connecting with you either.

Rebecca
Rose! Concise and so right. Wish I could write like that!

DearBubbie
Don't you hate it when someone says something in two sentences that takes you a page and a half to write?!? Way to go, Rose. Incredibly -there are exceptions. . .I tried connecting with my husband's kids - but they simply don't want to connect. Fortunately, my husband never blamed me, but kind of saw his kids in a different light. But I digress. ..

DearBubbie
Judy - thank you so much for sharing that. You and Chris have great Dads. Your Moms did good by you. .

Chris
Yes, sometimes I even need to remind my Mom! Thanks Jules!

Rose
Thank you for the compliments :-)

Maria
You'll eventually wind up fighting. Your children are a part of you forever. There will be growing problems as the kids develop and become teens. They will need a father figure. Sounds like this person won't be there for them, so he will be no partner to you. Save yourself heartache, end it now!

Bar Etiquette - When a Man Wants to Buy A Woman a Drink

2010-02-08T05:19:00.000-08:00

From the DearBubbie@Yahoo.com Mailbox: How does a woman handle it when a bartender tells her that a man wants to buy her a drink, but the woman doesn’t want to lead the guy on, when she knows right away he’s not her type.Saying no seems like the most insulting thing you could do, because it means that just by sight you have rejected him. Is there a nice way to appreciate the gesture, and then respectfully decline further conversation?

These comments come from the DearBubbie Facebook Page. We would like your comments as well!

Karis
If you don't want to lead a man on (regardless of the reason...and you don't owe one), simply say "no thank you". If you feel badly about rejecting them, you can always say you're waiting for someone, with someone, married, engaged....all kinds of ways to let someone down easily. But I would think a simple, "no thank you, but I appreciate the kind gesture" would suffice.

DearBubbie
I would give my most grateful looking face and mouth "Thank you so much" with great theatrics...and say somethiing like I don't accept drinks. To take it a step further if he came over, or if you felt you had to go over there - I'd let him know that you're with a girlfriend in need and you are out tonight giving her 100% of your attention - not on the 'prowl' that night. Does that sound good?

Susan
My sister and I were out one night on a business trip in Orlando together. We were sitting in the bar of a nice restaurant, talking, drinking a glass of wine and laughing, waiting for a table. Two nice looking gentlemen sent us over drinks.We were surprised, and flattered, and laughed about how if only they knew what our husbands knew about us, what a handful we can be, that they should run away quickly, cracking each other up as always... They waved and we waved back and thanked them from across the room. They were not rude, although they did look at us for awhile. When they came over to our area, and asked our names (and being sisters, of course we were on the same wavelength, which just shouldn't surprise us after all these years) - We both replied simultaneously "Mrs. Mitchell / Mrs. Kruse"... It was a good thing that these guys had class, and a sense of humor, which was refreshing (of course they probably both had wives as well). They laughed along with us, complimented us on our beauty, how lucky our husbands are, and returned to their seats. We could not stop laughing, and I must say that we felt pretty special too! There were no hard feelings, we enjoyed our extra glass of wine (which made us crack up even more), and all was well....

Maureen
either way ladies BE CAREFUL... if you except the drink make sure that the bartender hands it to you and not the guy. you never know if it has been tampered with if it comes form any other hands but the bartender!

Chris
It has been way too long to comment on this. I was never one for hanging out in bars, even with friends. In Sarasota, once in awhile I would go to the Gator Club to hear my friend Scott's band Chameleon. If anyone made me uncomfortable, I would just say I was there to see him. I never trusted a man that was searching for a date at a bar. And Maureen, excellent point. I know someone that had a drink tampered with a few years back. That is a real concern, not just made up stories on TV!

Michael
I think a real gentleman would lead the way here. Buying a woman a drink might be an ice breaker, but it is no more an invitation to stay and talk than dialing someone's phone number ensures they'll be able to chat for hours on end. A good man buys the drink, drops by to introduce himself and takes the woman's lead in whether she wants to carry on. If it's clear she's not interested, and she should be clear but polite, he should wish her a good night and move on.... It's like dropping a hook in the water. One shouldn't make more of it than that. Man or woman.

David
It's been a long time since I've been in a bar. But I feel it depends on how the "NO" is said. A simple Thanks but No Thanks should be sufficient. I however like to dance, and will ask to dance and take it from there.

David
When I've been out with my daughter, men try picking her up and she says watch this... Then she replies to them She's Gay. The looks on their face is priceless.

Chris
That's cute david! Your daughter has your sense of humor?

David
Yes she does.

Sarah
I never look a gift horse in the mouth but Neither Do I have to to ride it home.
Sat at 2:25pm · · Report

Chris
great quote Sarah!

Janet
I'm with what Sarah and Susan say.....

Peter
From the man's point of view, offering to buy a lady a drink is a "safe" way to express interest. Doesn't cost anything if she declines, either financially or emotionally - at least less emotional cost than the embarrasment of trying to strike up a conversation face to face and getting the cold shoulder or an abrupt brush off. Since he's ... See Morekindly disposed towards the girl, but carefully hedging his own bets, a "thanks but no thanks" as David suggests iis a perfectly proportional response - and if you are kindly disposed to the gesture, perhaps a pleasant smile or lift of your glass in his general direction would be classy. By the way, I slightly disagree with DearBubbie - you don't owe him an excuse like "I'm here for my girlfriend, I'm not on the prowl tonight". This is implicitly saying maybe I'd be interested at another time, and may provide him with unintended encouragement to prolong the conversation - "What's your girlfriend's problem, where is she anyway, do you come here often to prowl..."

2010-01-25T05:24:00.000-08:00

From our DearBubbie@yahoo.com mailbox. . We would love your comments. And if you have an anonymous question for the Bubbies, just e-mail us. .

Dear Bubbie,

I just got off a five-year on & off relationship with an older man. Well, it had been over for awhile. I've dated a little bit, but now just recently am getting serious over a 29 year old man. He told me he was 36, but I found out differently. Bubbie, I'm a youngish 47. What is too young? I don't ...want to get hurt again. Love, A true Cougar

Dear Cougar,
This is kind of a no-brainer for DearBubbie. It is very flattering to get the attention of a younger man. And this is when you need it the most. It's true that women also go through mid-life crises'. DearBubbie says to watch for red flags whenever a relationship starts with a lie. I don't get WHY people begin a relationship with a lie about ... See Moretheir age. But that 's another question for another time. Basically, Cougar, he doesn't have your same life experiences. Unless you enjoy being in the teacher role and not getting the depth of understanding from someone who has LIVED their life - then it could work. A younger man is appealing after being with an older man - I would think, for physical and energy-level reasons. Keep your eyes and head open for what YOU NEED in a relationship. The "right one" will fill your important needs. Finally, think of life DOWN the road when you're much older and he's still youngish and good-looking. How will you feel if people think you're his mother??

And a reply from one of our Bubbies on the DearBubbie Facebook page. . .

Janet
Ditto to DearBubbie. If he lied in the introductory phase (his age), then what else is he going to lie about?It is obvious that HE feels uncomfortable with the age difference, or he would not have lied. You seem to feel uncomfortable with it, too, or you would not have voiced your concern. What is the purpose of the relationship? Is it just for fun, or to grow with each other into something more serious? Age difference aside, I don't see how it can become a serious thing, because of the lie, and the fact that both of you are uncomfortable with the age thing.Many men take younger women, and there should not be a double standard, but you have to ask yourself...What do I want out of this? What does HE want out of this? If it's a mutual understanding.....

Don't Worry, Be Happy

2010-01-10T06:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes there's a lot to be said for denial when it comes to our worries. That's not to say we should buy a new flat screen TV for our bathrooms when we can barely afford the toilet paper. I'm merely trying to get across that if worrying isn't going to change the outcome (and it never does, does it?), then move onto a 'more fun' time-waster - like Facebook or a Sudoku puzzle.

I'd worry more about worrying because the stress can kill you.

Sadly, one thing out of control is the health and welfare of our loved ones. This ranked high on our DearBubbie Facebook page as one of our greatest concerns. My Mother always says life is "geschrieben". Our destinies are written in the stars. I suppose if one truly believed it's out of their control anyway, a lot of unnecessary worry will blow away with the wind.

Mom is 81 years old and has never had a major health crisis, so there could be something about this geschrieben stuff that rings true.

A similar Yiddish expression is "beshert" - and that is usually used to describe your destiny in finding your soul mate. With all my heart, I believe it was beshert that I met my husband, John. And to think of all the years I wasted worrying about finding my soul mate. I couldn't have picked a better time to find a better man to marry. The stars knew much better than me.

As for our own health - we know what we need to do to stay healthy. The fear and thoughts, however, that the media constantly puts in our heads contributes to our woes. Over awareness is not a good thing, in DearBubbie's opinion. I don't need to see constant reminders of breast cancer on my soup cans or tennis shoes. It puts the thought in my head - and I don't want it there constantly.

Take care of yourself - eat better, move more. Make that a resolution every day to ward off worries about your own health. Pass by something you ordinarily would eat. Park your car a little further away and pick up the pace, take steps instead of an elevator. It actually will make you feel a lot better.

Instead of worrying about our loved ones, what if we spent our time thinking about what we can do for (or with) our kids, parents, spouses, etc. . . In the time it takes us to log in to our e-mail, we could be writing a 'love you' note to place on their pillows at night. Instead of looking up stocks, we can be looking up day trips.

A schedule for more quantity and quality of time with our loved ones is something that we can control and make happen.

When it comes to money problems, my friend, Charmaine has said: "If my only problems are those that can be solved by having money, then I'm in pretty good shape."

I can't complain to my Mother (there she is again!) about money, because she'll scold me: "If you're going to worry about money, the God will show you some real problems! If you have health and love, you have it all."

I have a friend who recently lost her house to foreclosure and found an affordable rental. She appears to almost be happier to have that stress off her back. Someone else is worrying about repairs, taxes and insurance. And she is starting over fresh. Same with a woman who had major credit card debt. She worried about her credit, having to rush to the post office to make her minimum payments. This was her life. When bankruptcy became the only answer, she suddenly became free. And happy. Life deals us this hand and sometimes it turns out for the better.

I'd say most of us have no business worrying about money. The unhappiest people I know are the people who have lots of it. My Bubbiehubby worried constantly about money. When I reminded him that we've made ends meet for the past three years and nothing has changed - he loosened up. He is truly a different man.

To conclude, isn't it true that there's peace of mind in knowing that we tried our best? That we acknowledge our mistakes and therefore aren't on track to keep repeating them. If we do our best by our families, our loved ones - then there is no need for worry. It is truly geschrieben..

Now for some concerns over the generations*:

In the 1960's, crime first emerged as a national issue and played a central role in the Presidential contest of 1964 and 1968. Richard Nixon ran successfully for President touting a "law and order" platform. Polls showed that for the first time in U.S. History, crime had risen to the status of America's number one domestic problem. How about sending our kids off to war with the draft? Or the free love/cult/LSD culture? Would we rather be raising our kids today with Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus?

The 1970's marked the era of awareness of our environment. The first Earth Day took place in 1970. "There are ominous signs that the earth's weather patterns have begun to change dramatically," Newsweek reported in 1975. They warned of a drastic decline in food production. The 1970's brought about the end to the Vietnam war, opposition to nuclear weapons, the advocacy of world peace and hostility to the authority of government and big business. Industrialized countries, except for Japan, experienced an economic recession due to an oil crisis caused by oil embargoes. Remember the high interest Jimmy Carter years?

The 1980's became the Me! Me! Me! Generation of status seekers. During the 1980's, we saw hostile takeovers, leveraged buyouts and mega-mergers that spawned a new breed of billionaire. Binge buying and credit became a way of life. Tom Wolfe dubbed the baby boomers as the "splurge generation". The decade began with double-digit inflation, Reagan declared a war on drugs and many of our finest talents succumbed to AIDS. Internationally, the Berlin Wall was removed.

There will always be issues for concern, but there always seems to be a happy ending even in the most dismal of situations.

*this information was gathered from various websites and not written by Dearbubbie.

Replies to the Below DearBubbie Letter

2010-01-06T06:10:00.001-08:00

These replies came from our DearBubbie Facebook Page. They answer the previous DearBubbie letter that came in. If you have a question for DearBubbie, write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com

Karis
The first question that pops into my mind: were there any children as a result of this marriage? If the answer is yes, then I would suggest that the years weren't lost, but the children gained. If the answer is no ~ search for the good that was in the marriage and keep those memories. Beyond that ~ what are the lessons learned? Surely there are some ~ that is what you take with you as you let go and move on. If you don't learn, you don't grow. If you don't grow, you die. It becomes a choice in life ~ grow or die. Don't lament the lost years . . . look forward to the new ones. Yes, you are older and WISER...those are good things. Happiness is a state of being that we choose. If you aren't happy, it is because you are choosing to color your life with different emotions. How do they serve you? Why do you remain stuck?... See MoreYou won't ever get back the years that have passed by you ~ but you can surely wile away the ones in front of you in pity or in hope. I've been there and for me, personally, I choose hope and happiness.Best of luck to this Bubbie.

David Forget the lost years, you can't get them back. But live on, create new years as you would like and make them memorable.

Richard Anybody seen THE WIFE? She was around here somewhere...last night, I think it was...

DearBubbie
Richard! Thank you as always for your insight! Somehow, I think "older & wiser" is luckier than a woman who may discover (after 20-plus years) a betrayal by the spouse. That they've been leading a double life. Or trying to make a hopeless situation work, when they didn't have all the facts. O & W knew what was going on and chose to stay. To ... See Moremove forward, maybe she should 'plan' to start creating memorable moments. Today is the first day of the rest of my life - this is what I'm going to do. But DearBubbie hasn't been in her shoes. I hope one of you will hit on something that clicks with her. Maybe Karis or David already have. Richard, try again! :-)

Richard
Can't you see I'm on the computer, woman! (delete, delete, delete....)

January
Live life with no regrets, life is too short. Move on, and make new memories. Time heals all wounds.

Janet
I was in the same situation (substitute booze for porn). Still think about the lost years. You can't help it. BUT-you can move on. You'll always look back at the 'bad' years with regret. We all have regrets. You will feel better about it, and proud of yourself once you start living the way YOU want to. Good luck, and write back and let us know how you are doing. k?

Chris
I will respond after I get home from work. I need to think about the best response.

Dee
Been there, done that. It was shortly after New Years that I found myself on my own again. 2nd divorce. Porn, booze, playstation (yes, that can be an addiction too), Don't look at it with regret, look at it as a lesson learned. If you learn something from it, it is never a mistake. Don't try to reconcile with the lost years, they are done and ... See Moreover with. Move forward. It's a slow and sometimes painful thing to do but necessary. I find that pain is my best motivator and think it is in most people. Don't forget the past, just don't dwell on it. Remember the saying, you can dig a hole but don't move in! Surrender & acceptance; if your Higher Power brings you to it they'll bring you through it. I'll keep you in my prayers, things WILL get better. Seek counseling if necessary. YANA - You Are Never Alone.

Alisa
You have to stop considering them lost years for starters. You learned what you do not want and will not accept so it is time to move in a forward direction and stop wallowing in the past. If you want a future, you have all the opportunity in the world to go get it now without anyone being in your way, except yourself. Quit focusing on the was and ... See Morestart working on the what will be....I suggest perhaps trying something that I give my girls as advice...you only allow one day of self pity and crying - you've had yours already - and then you hold your head up high and make him regret he ever lost you. Become the woman you want to be - awesome - and know that you deserve nothing but happiness from life from now on. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he got the best of you. The best is yet to come!

DearBubbie
Bubbie Alisa - that is strong, good advice. Thank you!

Charmaine Engelsman-Robins
Wow, that sux. Been there/done that, but learned that A) anything resulting in a lesson learned isn't a loss and B) if you hadn't gotten out NOW how many years would have been wasted? Thank God for small favors like the gift of time to start over. (PS - You might want to read, "It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now." It's excellent! Hang in there.

2010-01-02T05:45:00.000-08:00

DearBubbie,

Well, I awoke this New Year's Day in the same position I was in - on my side and devastated that I have lost 23 years of my LIFE to a lost cause. I have now divorced the lost cause who gambled our money away and was addicted to porn websites. But I am having trouble reconciling the lost years. I can't get them back! I'm happy to have him out of my life, but my head isn't letting me stop kicking myself for wasting so many years. Can you help?

Signed,

Older, wiser, but not happier

2009-12-31T06:26:00.000-08:00

Food for thought for the New Year:

Think of the following:

1. The boldest, most adventurous thing you did in '09.
2. Think of something you did this year that you hope NOT to repeat. Eeks!
3. Think of the most FUN thing you did.
4. Think of what made you feel really good.
5. Something that made you proud.

As you head into '10 - realize that #2 is behind you. That you learned a lesson and that's a good thing. You can't change it -it's done. Goodbye #2.

If there's a goal you want to achieve, go to # 1 & #5. If you were able to achieve those things - you can do the unthinkable in '10. Even if it's losing 10 pounds! You already did the bold and adventurous - you are CAPABLE. You can do it. And what fun to add it to your end of year list - that you did it. You can! You will! (Yes, with a few backward steps along the way, but you will achieve your goals.)

During our growing process, please look for ways to have fun in '10. Sometimes we have to plan our fun. I had fun getting caught in a rainstorm. It poured on me and I felt like a kid again - running through the rain. Please try to figure out a way to make a form of exercise your fun. Even if it's just dancing to a song a day. Exercise is such a release and makes us feel so good. Go to #3 to see what your fun was. And it does NOT need to include money! HAVE FUN! Laugh once a day.

Please write to DearBubbie@yahoo.com if you want any help with a goal or simply encouragement or compassion. We also have a Facebook wall - one word: DearBubbie. We would love to hear your fun stories or feel free to share what makes 'life' work for you.

As we enter into '10 - one important thing to remember is how good GIVING feels. Even if it's just a smile. We are capable of changing someone else's day in the easiest of gestures. And selfishly - we get so much back from that!

And if we screw up - please say: I'm sorry. Acknowledge your mistake.

Remember those that are least lovable, need love the most.

We all come in different shapes and sizes, some of us are alone and some married. Be around the good, positive energy. Think of others, but don't drain yourself. Know when to help and when to help yourself.

You are loved no matter who you are. You are a Bubbie. Happy New Year.

Inspirational Saying

2009-12-27T06:15:00.000-08:00

Build your life on the firm foundation of true gratitude and true humility. Build the frame of your life out of self-discipline, never let yourself get selfish or lazy or contented with yourself. Build the walls of your life out of service to others. Build a garden around your life out of peace of mind and serenity and a sure faith..........LIVE

Love,
Bubbie

Heartbroken for the Holidays

2009-12-23T05:15:00.000-08:00

If you have a question for DearBubbie, please write to dearbubbie@yahoo.com

From our DearBubbie Facebook Page files.

Dear Bubbie:

Lately my hearts just been aching. Its coming up on the death of one of my best friends, my other friend had a baby who is not doing well- constantly having open heart surgery & having all kinds of additional problems, and to make it worse I found someone I really care about...problem is he's made it clear he's not looking for anything serious & is seeing other people BUT he fights the fact that he really likes me more than he wants to...just my luck (w/ guys), feeling a little sad. My hearts just been hurting...

Signed,
Anonymous

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First, thank you for letting us try to help you. Did you know that those who actually SEEK help are the first to recover. I'm going to start by saying TAKE ONE SAD THOUGHT at a time. If any of us took ALL our problems and tackled them all at once - it would seem too big to manage. I'm looking forward to comments from our Bubbies to advise you on the problems they think they can help you handle. In the meantime, hang in. . help is on its way!

Janet

Definitely...one thing at a time, or you, yourself will be crushed. And-if you are down and out, you can't help those you care about. And it sounds like you want to offer as much support to your friends as you can in their times of need. As for the love interest.....you can't make anyone do or feel something. It hurts you, but it's also domething you have no control over. I know-doesn't make it hurt any less. xxxoo to you.

DearBubbie
Janet - excellent point! So, let's start with something SHE does have control over - the GUY! There is nothing like a wishy-washy man, who wants to keep a woman at bay, while he looks around for a greener pasture. He leads her on so he doesn't lose her and somehow gets away with terrible behavior that is damaging to her self-esteem. What in the... See More HECK would you want with a man who wants to be free to see others? Is that in your description of your perfect man? His inability to commit to only you SPEAKS LOUDER than his words. Are you in too deep to dump him? Break it off with this indecisive man. If this were love, he wouldn't do this to you. THIS you are in control over. Doing the holidays ALONE beats "doing the guy" and then hoping he doesn't have a date for New Year's Eve.

Joan

i agree: one thing at a time and starting with item you can act on, the "found someone I really care about." what does that mean: 2 weeks ago or two years ago? really care? does that mean love, admire, respect? or so nice to have someone to go out with? for sex? or ?
Yesterday

Rebecca

Following the idea of taking one thing at a time, and following the idea that the guy is the topic that you can try and solve the with the most control (as if controlling our emotions is easy), I have to ask if perhaps some of the appeal of this guy is 1) you found a guy you can click with and 2) he isn't flocking to you. The elusive guy is, ... See Moreunfortunately, one of the most appealing guys - but for all the wrong reasons. You may want to ask what it is about this relationship that is good for you. I have learned that if it is not based on good, nurturing things, it is not in the end good for us and it will not last - despite our insistence. It will, however, bring drama to your life...but at a cost.
A guy that dates other women and is telling you how amazing you are, is talking out of both sides of his mouth. He will say enough to keep you hooked, but not give enough to get hooked. Not necessarily a bad guy, but self-centered and certainly not ready yet for the relationship you're looking for

Antonio

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend of 25 years April 21 this year. I sympathize with you for your loss. As for matters of the heart I will be direct. Watch with your eyes not your ears. Actions speak louder than words. None are so blind than those who do not want to see. We deserve the best. If this guy doesn't see you as the one that compliments him you need to move on. I say cut and run. Next!There is more than one HIM out there.

Richard
Yes, Antonio, there is and I have been biting my tongue for days. I have learned my lesson and will repent...possibly soon. But, until that time, I will politely raise my hand (and blood pressure) and chime in. I am not entirely sure what Antonio means by "compliments". Do you actually mean "complements"? "Goes well together" rather than to "say ... See Moresomething pleasing to another"? While nice, I do not need someone to compliment me and I hope and pray that I have enough self-esteem to keep it that way. I do, however, want/need someone that "complements" me and vice versa. Which brings me to my point...It seems VERY clear to me that "he" (and that will be addressed next) has been EXTREMELY honest with you from jump street. I quote.."he's made it clear he's not looking for anything serious & is seeing other people BUT he fights the fact that he really likes me more than he wants to." The only "facts" you seem to have presented here are that he has made it clear he wants to see other people, but he does enjoy dating you. I am fairly confident you are "assuming" that he likes you more than he wants to...Finally, before I lose the last bit of sanity I have left, the WHOLE discussion should have started out by being "non-gender specific"!! You young ladies are just as guilty, if not more, than the guys are of being misleading and "out looking for greener pastures"...Final thought...I still don't understand why A PERSON can go out with a lot of PEOPLE and still have an amazing time with you....Banished (or soon will be) Bubbie

Karis
So many good Bubbie comments, I'm not sure I can add anything ~ except that I understand matters of the heart as I am facing the holidays with challenges as well. The two things that help me the very most have had the most powerful effect on me whenever I am faced with a struggle:1) What do I have control over? This issue has been adequately addressed with regards to the "boy". We are not privy to the details of this relationship, so making concrete suggestions may be difficult. Suffice it to say, however, you must look out for yourself...no one will do it for you in the end. If the relationship is meant to be ~ it will survive you honoring your own goals and intentions. If you do not wish to be the "fall back" girl, let go of this man. Damn is it ever hard to do ~ I speak with a HEAP of experience right now. If it is a commitment you want, he is not the man for you ~ at least not now. Antonio took the words out of my mouth, "actions speak louder than words".2) When you are overwhelmed and awash with emotions that break your heart ~ get out of yourself. Do something kind for another person. There is someone that is hurting more than you, there always is. Extend your hand and help that person in anyway you see fit. It is the very best suggestion I can offer to help remove the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that come from your message to Bubbie. What can you do to honor the memory of your friend that has passed on? What does your friend with the baby need? A meal brought in? A few hours to herself? What can you do to help her?... See MoreThat is what I have for today. That and the Serenity Prayer ~ I revert to that on a frequent basis to remind myself that I only have control over me.

Your comments are welcome!

Dead Spouse is Still Alive in Her World

2009-12-15T05:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Bubbie,

Maybe you or your community can help my daughter, who lost her husband five years ago. She is a beautiful young woman of 31, with a five year old son. She is devoted to her child and happy in her world, but one can never bring up her meeting a special someone again.

To quote her: "Oh no, I feel like I'm still married. He's not here in the way that we hoped, but he's still here and I'm still married to him."

Honestly, it shuts people up quickly - as I see a look of surprise come over their faces.

I'd love for her to meet someone, but as time passes, I see that her position grows stronger over the years. How can I get her to see reality? She really is closed off to any opportunity.

Love,
A Concerned Mother

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Concerned Mother,

Bubbie can't even begin to imagine the horror and pain of losing a spouse, especially when you have an infant son and the whole world in front of you. We e-mailed a couple of letters back and forth and you said she is a functioning adult with a good job that involves travel and she shows interest in her appearance.

You also let me know what a good mother she is to her son - and that the male influence in her son's life is your husband (his Grandfather).

Don't you think that we use all kinds of 'tools' to help us deal with the unthinkable? In this case, this is how your daughter is handling her post-traumatic stress - by believing that her husband is walking side by side with her, and helping her raise their son. She just can't see him.

Therapy is completely out of the question, because if one does not want help, they won't see a therapist. You can always suggest it, however, in case there's anything else that burdens her. Then perhaps as a sidebar, the invisible husband issue can come up. Would she go for a support group for single parents? Or maybe she could start a group of her own?

Sometimes, all it takes is a trigger word and a light bulb goes off. I know for you as a Mother, it's hard to see your daughter all alone. And when her child turns 18, she will really be alone.

While I wouldn't go along with her delusions, I certainly wouldn't bring it up every chance I had. I think it's admirable that her son comes first - and more Mothers should be putting their children first (over possible dates with a new potential mate). A mother has to live her own life, but she brought a kid into this world and for better or worse, this child must be a priority. Maybe in the back of your daughter's head, she may be waiting for the child to go off to college or when he's less needy of her attentions. We never know exactly what she may be thinking.

Bubbie thinks that nature should take its course. Maybe a man will come into her life as a friend first . Or possibly she'll meet a man in a similar situation. If she's a happy, productive, healthy adult, then perhaps - even though five years have passed - she will come to terms with reality. Don't let your daughter's situation become your problem. It could be way worse.

Any suggestions from our Facebook and Blogspot friends will be passed along to our writer.

2009-12-09T06:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Bubbie -

I'm preparing in advance for a Christmas Day alone. I'll be fine, but would like to make it a real nice day versus feeling sorry for myself.

Do you have any suggestions about what I can do - like a Things To Do List - to make it one of the best Christmases ever?

Love,
Terah

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Dear Terah,

I asked our followers on the Dearbubbie Facebook Page for some suggestions, and this one came from one of the readers:

Rent a movie and chinese food afterward!

I kind of like that one, Terah!

My typical advice is to start the day with exercise. Even if you just dance WILDLY to a couple of songs on the radio. Getting outside and breathing in the fresh air is great, too. I'm in Florida, so I don't know what it really means to get out in the snow. I'd build a snowman - that would make me happy. (And I'd consider that exercise!)

I'm wondering if there's something you've always wanted to try. . like painting or making candles. I'd go to your local craft shop and try to make something - from a scarf to a necklace with beads? Treat yourself to a crafty kit and make something.

I'd try to CLEAN the house the day before Christmas. Don't do anything you 'have to do' on Christmas - unless you WANT to. I say do something FUN, while accomplishing and creating.

And, limit yourself on the computer. Believe it or not - the computer can be a depressant.

Let us know what you end up doing. You're smart to plan in advance - but you never know what other surprises will await you.

With love,
Your Bubbie

The Day Amanda Turned Up Missing

2009-12-09T05:43:00.000-08:00

Man, was I upset at my husband, John, when he accidently locked me out of our home yesterday. Of course, none of this would have happened if I hadn't decided to play hooky from work.

Actually it was tennis I played. I had committed to a team that had first place riding on this away match. While I gave notice that I could not play the month of December, duty called when there was a shortage of players. So, the CLOSED sign went up at the shop and my husband drove me to our local club, where the players would pick me up. Hubby drove me, because the club agreed to let us display some paintings from my shop there and he would be hanging them in the concrete walls. (Thank you, honey.)

As usual, tennis was such a blast and we won two courts. There were actually three alligators in the water retention pond/lake near the tennis courts, but I digress.

On the way home, I was so exhausted that when we dropped off my partner who was sitting in the front seat, I just stayed in the back. I felt like I was being chauffered in a pretty red Mercedes. As soon as she pulled into my driveway, I realized - I had nothing with me. Just my racquet.

When I was single (something I say repeatedly), I could always get in my house - key or no key. Since my husband moved in, the place had become like Fort Knox. I used my friend's cellphone to call him and he did not pick up. He was making me mad. I told my friend to just take off, I would figure something out. As I walked the outer perimeter of the house, I saw the only way in was to climb over a chain link fence. Meanwhile, my dachshund was literally screaming for me to come into the house.

Since I'm not a climber, I walked over to a daycare next door and asked if I could use their phone. I'd try to call hubby again. Still no answer. And as I listened cheerfully on the exterior to the little kids telling me about their experiences with Santa Claus, inside I was seething. I told them that if they were real quiet, they could hear my dog howling. They did. "He's hungry," I told them sadly.

Okay, things were going to change around here. There is going to be a key OUTSIDE from here on in. Even meaner, I was thinking about locking HIM out of the house so he could see what it felt like. I was shivering in my sweaty tennis clothes and then looked at the time. Amanda, the 15 year old should be home from school by now. So, with the dog yelping, I banged on the door, rang the doorbell and screeched out: A M A N D A-H-H-H!!!!!!!! I looked in the house and saw it looked totally empty.

Then I remembered she said something about a FHA, FAA or FFA meeting after school, but I could have sworn she said it was Tuesday. With no answer, I went to my other neighbor's house to see if he'd climb over the chain link fence, but he wasn't home (or he very wisely pretended not to be). Finally, I pretended I was in the Amazing Race - took a hammer to a padlock and banged away until it got loose. From there, I was able to break into my house, to a very relieved dachsy.

It was about 3:30, so I showered and ate a huge lunch, which ended up also being my dinner. By the time my husband showed up, I wasn't so angry any more. I was proud that I was able to break into Fort London-Ferguson. And a new set of rules would be established - including he needed to pick up the phone when I called him - like when I was SINGLE.

As I was finishing up a salad, and John made his upteenth phone call to Amanda who was not picking up - we both decided we should head to her high school. We sat in the parking lot at the only exit - and at 4:30, I said we needed to go in. I was imagining her being nice to someone in a car and they grabbed her. Or cutting through an isolated part of the school to get home. The first chapter of Lovely Bones ran through my head.

"Okay, what was she wearing?" I asked John. "Was she wearing shorts?" (These young peeps today, wear such short shorts. Never mind that we had 'hot pants' during our high school days.) "No, she was wearing long pants."

"Okay, we're going into the administration building," I said, opening the car door.

"You're not going anywhere," John said, boldly. "You're not dressed properly." I looked at my after-shower doggie-squared housedress with a rip in it. I wasn't wearing shoes, but I was wearing a bra.

"But, it's my daughter!!!" I whined, as he shut his car door and headed to the building alone. As soon as he hit the doors to the deserted school, I saw him stop and answer his cellphone. I knew it was Amanda, but where could she have gone? I know she would have called her Dad if she was going over to a friend's house.

I thought it could have been a long-winded speaker at her How to Judge Cows meeting. But 4:30, when school lets out at 2:15? When John got back into the car, he asked me if I had checked her room. The door was shut, I said. So out of privacy, I didn't check it.

There she had slept through everything, except for when Rex was barking. "I covered my head with a pillow when I heard him crying," Amanda said, "and went back to sleep." Relieved, we all laughed about it - and were reminded of important lessons. Like, always walk with someone and be aware of your surroundings. And for me? Don't play hooky from work.

Recipient of Humane Award

2009-12-06T08:35:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the very sweet Cape Cod Woman - Snaggle Tooth - who took the time to read my VERY LONG stories about Max and Amanda. She has several blogs and the one I have read is: exitstageright. So would that be. .. www.exitstageright.blogspot.com

She gave me the fun honor of this award. This is the third thing I've "won" this year (others were monetary) and it has made Bubbie VERY happy!

Many, many thanks to a wonderful, real, relatable human being. Wish I was in the Cape to give you a hug! Or is it I wish I were. . .

Flash 55 - Shut Up!

2009-12-03T19:19:00.000-08:00

Even though her car passenger was chatting so happily, Eve was annoyed.

"So, when are we going to see your Dad?" she inquired. The answer resulted in raucous laughter.

Eve snapped. "You know, really!"

"What?"

"You're being RUDE!"

The rest of the ride was in stormy silence, as the passenger clicked her cellphone shut.

A Strong Foundation for the Three of Us. . .

2009-12-02T05:23:00.000-08:00

To say I'm protective of my home, is like saying Santa Claus is from the North Pole. It's not so much the structure or contents, but what "home" represents to me.

After being single for so many years, it was a piece of cake to keep the household free of fighting, misunderstandings and someone else's baggage. A stable home life is something I worked hard for - financially and otherwise. It's my safe place - where the crazies can't get to me (except through the nightly news or e-mail, hello channel remote and delete key). There is enough going on out there in the real world to scare the bejesus out of any of us, so with a turn of a lock - here I am in my safe little world. La la la la la la la. Where peace and love exists and the cat and dog run freely and happily. I get to eat whatever I want and watch whatever crap I want to watch on the boob tube. I could laugh out loud, cry out loud and burp out loud (although, I'd say 'excuse me' to the animals).

So, then I decide to get married. When my husband moved in, one of the first things he did was remove my eyesore of a mailbox. This was a mailbox that I sweated over in the hot Florida Sun making a tile mosaic all over it. I received a very nice compliment from a neighbor: "Weeeelllll, that's interesting. . "

As the lumpy prodigious sculpture began to lean, it only added to the character. I was shocked when the mailbox was gone, and my husband proudly showed off his new straight green one straight from the generic department of Home Depot. But that was okay, it was only the outside of my safe place. And I do believe, by the mailbox's demise that he added value to the home.

We had one rule in the house - he had to STAY OUT of my bathroom. He very wisely moved slloowwwllly in, and cooked us such incredible gourmet meals on the grill that it was like living with Bobby Flay. I got to be exactly who I was before (only eating better). But I worried that MY home wouldn't feel like his safe place. A loving place, yes - but not his yet.

As he took over the garage and half the backyard with his hobby and work-related items, that part of our sanctuary was definitely his. When he added a 1952 Willys Wagon to the mix - his comfort level was complete.

Four months ago, on a Friday night at about 9:30 - we added another addition to the house - his 15 year old stepdaughter, Amanda. He scrambled through our spare room making room in the closet - stuffing his clothes into my closet and organizing my seasonal clothes. Instead of feeling like he's disrupting my L-I-F-E and T-H-I-N-G-S, I was so grateful with the ease and speed he was able to do it all. I was in la-la land - which is a great place to be when your life is about to change. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la la.

"I'm going to move my stuff into your bathroom," he said.

"OH NO YOU'RE NOT!" I screamed, as I snapped back into reality. "You guys have to share a bathroom." I'm the type of person who is concerned with sharing a bathroom on vacations. My bathroom is my safe place! That was a no-brainer that my husband easily conceded.

When Amanda moved in - we had a healthy, beautiful, funny, giggling, intelligent, absolutely non-complaining teenager. Her rules? Be good to the animals, keep them safe. No fighting allowed. And any dysfunctions she lived with at her other household had to stay there - we have enough craziness for her to adapt to here. We didn't need more. Our home had to be Amanda's safe place for her to escape from her outside craziness and stress.

There were some major adjustments for her and she politely questioned what they meant. Why did we ask so many questions? Of course, I was intrigued and excited by her teachers, her friends, her sports. It was horrifying and exhilirating to remember what it was like to be a teenager again! (I finally stopped asking her what her new vocabulary words were.) On Meet the Teacher night, I almost threw up. (Even more incredible was knowing one of the teachers. She wasn't Mrs. Bliss - she was Pat.)

Amanda acclimated beautifully and her room was her nirvna. I gotta tell you, she made the room MY idea of the perfect escape. Music, tv, clutter, fluffy blankets and pillows - I wanted to move in. I loved visiting in her room, but I respected her private sanctuary. She earned it through great grades at school and being generous and considerate to her Dad and me.

The thing I had to learn was how to deal with disharmony in the house. I'd go into panic mode. I would think things are going to be permanently like that and it is "unacceptable" (in my ugliest tone of voice!) in our home. Amanda's Dad always keeps the cool head and I think I'm losing control of my surroundings that are the WORLD to me.

Recently, Amanda's safe place was shaken after she returned home from a visit to her other household. Lack of good solid communication that made her Dad and I think the worst was what greeted her when she came home. I will always remember her stunned silence, the stop in her walking, when I said that I felt she was 'deceitful' to us. She sobbed later in her room, which made me as miserable as I've ever felt in my life as both her father and I tried to get to the bottom of the story.

The 'worst' was not applicable here, and both her Dad and I apologized to her. I've been falsely accused of things totally out of my character, and it takes me two centuries to get over it. I wondered how long it would take Amanda. While I pondered the lesson of never again jumping to a wrong conclusion, I thanked God that we gave her a chance to defend herself and listen. Really listen to her.

The worst part for me was that her Dad and I made HER home a scary place. A place she wanted to leave.

With three people in the house, this former single woman learned that there will be times when Amanda and/or my husband will make ME want to leave home. With different moods, different outside factors, different stresses of the day - we can't be cheery all the time. But we can always care about each other and respect when someone is down.

With our home's main foundation - of common consideration and most importantly, love and caring - our structure of peace and love, will remain strong and sturdy. Our roof may leak tears at times, but can easily be patched.

By the way, Amanda recovered in what I considered a record time. She made us a beautiful cake and a star for me. She's the shining star and I thank her for the lessons she teaches me.

Amanda and Max Part 2

2009-11-26T08:04:00.000-08:00

The morning after the dog bite was discovered, I asked my husband, John, what he thought we should do.

Of course I wanted us to be on the same page: Max had to go. It was a no-brainer. Instead, I got:

"This is your house, your rules. Give him away! Let him dig a hole under the fence and run away. And we won't go find him."

I literally did one of those quick shakes of my head - as if my brain might get jiggled enough into comprehending what he just said. Ten seconds later, I calmly said: "No, I want to listen to what you have to say."

"You decide!" he answered in a highly agitated tone.

While John and I couldn't reasonably sort it out, Amanda went to work. She mentioned her Uncle Rod, the dog lover/firefighter/EMT/Physical fitness buff, who may take Max.

I quizzed Amanda about Max getting enough exercise, food and companionship. Rod's situation sounded like Doggie Nirvana:

1. Max would get companionship in a laid-back brother/dog named Ben.

2. Access to a fenced-in backyard, a covered porch and indoors in the evening.

3. Rod will take Max "everywhere".

4. Rod's neighbor takes care of the dogs when Rod is at the fire station.

5. Rod has been looking for a running companion. Hello Max!

6. Ben is fed well ("too well" according to Amanda); Max would not starve for food or attention.

All three of us cried at the thought of Max not being a member of our household. It was a tough, but necessary decision. Now, I know the tears would only be selfish.

Max has a shot at the kind of life that I would wish for any dog. And to think. . .it all happened because he followed a 15-year old home from school one day.

The Ballad of Amanda and Max

2009-11-25T05:10:00.000-08:00

Call it serendipity, but when my husband called me at work to let me know a dog had followed my 15 year old stepdaughter home, I felt anything but pleasantly surprised. Especially when upon further inquisition, I found out that the dog was a pit bull.

Wisely, father and daughter got the dog acquainted to our fenced-in backyard first, before introducing him to our big-shot-only-child dachshund, Rex. Even though I'm my own boss, I have a sense of responsibility. So as soon as the clock turned to 4:55, I was outta there and racing home.

By that point, the dog was in the house and making himself fully comfortable and even greeting me. Well, someone had certainly taught the dog some manners.

Upon inspection, I saw that the dog did have that square strong jaw, but it wasn't as scary-looking as full-blooded pit bulls. He was obviously mixed with something else, but my only guess would have been Bambi - because he has gorgeous eye-liner around each wide, character-filled eye.

"You look in his face," Amanda said, "and you'll give him any and everything he wants."

Little did she know, she was also talking about herself. Why else would I even let a new animal into our house? Let's start with New Addition to our Family (July '09), my husband John's daughter, Amanda and the cat, Boots.

Amanda has no clue how irresistable she is and how she can tug on heartstrings. Not only would dogs follow her home, but anyone who meets her would want to become her pet! Long blonde curly hair, gorgeous white straight teeth and blue-ish eyes just mark the beginning of who she is. When she decided to move in with us - late one night, no notice - she was exactly like the dog. Happy, well-mannered and fit right in. I kept thinking how hard this must be for her - but she spread pure happiness with her delightful giggles and mere prescense. A teenager enhancing a household - this couldn't be!

When I introduced her to my tennis and Facebook friends, they were blown away, as was I. It's touchy with 'kids'. She had a humble shyness about her, yet contributed to adult conversation by truly listening to what the other person was saying.

When school began, we learned what classes she liked and what kids she was meeting. She babysat and excelled at school, bringing home straight 'A's on her report card. And she's an athletic girl.

Mainly, she follows household rules. . .there really aren't any. ..but she's awfully good to her Dad, me, and the dog and two cats. So, if she wanted a dog, we're giving her a dog. It was meant to be.

We did find the previous owner, who sadly said she could not keep the dog any longer. The owners before her were long gone. We estimated the dog's age to be about one year. He would need to be neutered and get his rabies shot first thing.

Initially, we kept the dog's previous name, Gordan, but it wouldn't roll off our tongues. We were calling him all sorts of names - from Roger to Grady - before John came up with the perfect name: Max. Amanda had easily assimilated a second name for him: Buddy.

Our dog was now Max and Buddy and he happily obliged by responding to both.

When Amanda would ask for 'rules' regarding Max or questions in general, I pretended that she had great respect for my doggie knowledge, since I used to head up "The USA Loves Dogs Club". But I know it's really because she wanted to avoid any problems with my micro-managing.

"Hard food or soft food in the morning," she asked.

Thoughtfully, I responded, "Hmmmm, I guess hard food, it will be like he's brushing his teeth!"

"Then I want some!" my husband happily chimed in.

House rules for the dog included that he needed to be exercised vigorously. This was an extraordinarily strong dog with boundless energy that needed to be released.

I gave Amanda enormous credit as she tried to walk the pulling dog, and staying consistent with her commands of "heel". The first and only time I "walked" Max, I caved way too easily and just decided to run (and almost kill myself when Max saw a squirrel). Amanda would stop only to rub his neck and tell him to stop choking himself.

"Well that wasn't too much fun," I said as we got home from the walk. Of course, my dachshund has no leash manners, because Mommy (the doggie know-it-all) didn't train him correctly.

I didn't realize that Amanda's head was working overtime. The next time we went for a walk, Amanda put on her helmut and let Max pull her on a skateboard. Rex and I followed them - running and laughing the whole way. I was a kid again and barely felt breathless as we felt free as the wind. Amanda gave Rex and Max the gift of exercise and me the priceless gift of youth.

At home, Max initially marked the house (who cares? tile floors) and got a hold of a couple of shoes. Big whoop. . it would teach me to pick up my shoes. Amanda was so thoughtful and considerate: "Well, we're going to get you new shoes!"

Rex had a new friend who played 'tug of war' with every toy in the house as well as every pair of socks I owned. And John finally had a dog that would greet him when he came home and go to him for love and attention. (Unlike the loyal dachshund breed, who has ONE owner - his mother.)

I felt that Amanda and John had their own deserved pet to really love them - and Max was the sweetest dog I had ever met. He was a lap dog with the most unbelieveable disposition and fun personality. On a cuteness factor of one to ten - this dog was an 11, and I have the photographs to prove it.

When Rex and Max would mouth and wrestle, I would snap a photo. Or scream for my husband to "GET THE CAMERA HONEY!!!"

John wrote on Max's collar: MAX FERGUSON and was making him a cart to pull that a person could ride in. He spent all day on that thing. (I was inside the house when I heard Amanda scream a bloodcurdling scream, which meant something went wrong with the cart. Thankfully, it was followed by even louder laughter.)

Then one night, Max and Rex were playing on the floor in front of the television, when the happy yelps of play turned into a full-blown scary-sounding dog fight. I slammed the newspaper in hopes of the smacking noise making them come to their senses and Amanda came rushing out of her room. John broke up the fight, by shoving Max with his foot away from Rex.

We all stood stunned and then I picked up Rex (who all of sudden went into "this is death" mode) to inspect him in the bedroom for any possible bite. I flipped him over and didn't even feel saliva on him. With his tail between his legs, when I told him he was alright - he flipped back over, jumped off the bed and ran back into the tv room.

Max was shaking like a leaf and went to curl up in a closet. Amanda soothed him.

The next day, Rex wasn't playing much at all with Max - even as Max assumed the play position. When we walked, I noticed he wasn't pulling as hard as usual. Of course, with so much going on in an adult's life outside of the household (!), I lazily justified it as Rex just needing a rest. He was five years old, after all. That evening, I found it. A bite mark, a deep puncture of a tooth mark on Rex's neck, right under his mouth.

What had happened that escalated the dog's play to turn to fighting? "They're like kids," my husband explained. "They'll fight over toys."

The thing is - Rex is all bark, no bite. Max bit. I didn't know how to tell Amanda. But when she came out of her room, she said: "It's probably just a hot spot." When I showed it to her, she said: "Ohhhhhh. . " Then she got some Bacitracin and rubbed it on Rex's wound.

She was being the adult. I was in total panic mode inside. We would have to give this dog up.
Without me even saying anything, Amanda seemed to know this would be the case.

"Look to see if Rex bit Max," I asked her. "That would be an equalizer." Of course, there was no mark on Max.

Rex had been a wonderful host to Max. He shared his toys, slept next to him, took turns with the snacks and let us pet and love Max. But Rex is the alpha dog and I believe something triggered Max into a fight. Because Rex has been here first, he should be able to establish dominance and be downright obnoxious (if that was the case), without getting bitten.

The next day, whenever Rex and Max started to play, Amanda and John would yell at them to stop. I explained to them that dogs SHOULD be able to play without getting yelled at. This wasn't a fair situation to either dog. Amanda said she was nervous and John felt that it could escalate into a fight again.

I wrote to my brother, who has no heart, but a head for logic, about the situation. He emailed back about the experiences he encountered when he was a deputy. The pitbull is a wonderful pet that in many instances cause no problems over a lifetime. But others, still have the inbred quality that can trigger a fight. Just like a dachshund has the innate need to dig for badgers! They were bred to fight and even centuries later, this has not been bred out of them. When they fight, they go for the jugular.

I researched further, coming across a website called the Dog Bite Law Center. They write that "typically 77% of injuries are by friendly dogs known to the bitten person. It is impossible to predict what might provoke a friendly dog to bite. It may be in pain, become panic-stricken, feel threatened, or any number of factors. . .some breeds have a genetic predisposition. . .

"The major problem is that they are frequently (94%) unprovoked."

I told my husband that I loved Max despite the fact that he bit Rex. It's nature. If a person did harm to Rex, I'd find them and KILL them. Easily. I thought of obedience training for Max and my husband videotaped Max and Rex during the day that showed that they slept all day long. Rex doesn't budge.

But when I was alone with the two of them and they started to play, I was nervous. It was too much responsibility. Amanda would possibly be a counselor at camp over the Summer and going off to college in a few years. Who knows when another trigger could go off.

We would need to find the RIGHT home for Max where he could get exercise, play freely and be loved. . . (Part Two coming soon)

Bubbie's Survival Guide for Black Friday

2009-11-24T19:13:00.000-08:00

We're all grownup's right? But that doesn't mean we're going to behave like adults during Black Friday (BF) shopping excursions.

BF reminds me a lot of dieting. You know how to 'budget' (money/calories), but we always manage to overdo it. In other ways, it's like going to a casino: there's the highs of the buys, but the crash of spending more than we intended.

Let's start with some very simple (and obvious) procedures to make this Black Friday a sunny yellow:

1. Write down on cardboard or a hardboard (that will still fit in your purse) who you're planning to buy a gift for and in what cash range you hope to spend.
The reason for the hard board rather than a piece of paper, is that it is more significant and holds more weight. And you won't lose it in your purse. You can pull it out and refer to the list or even hold it in your hand.

2. Be prepared for the following aggravations:
A. Switch and baits.
B. An item being out of stock
C. Unhelpful sales associates
D. Long lines (and)
E. Rude, self-involved/self-important people who will bump into you, cut in front of you
and make you feel completely insignificant.

First, to handle A - D, you chose to go shopping on BF. If you expect the inevitable, the situations will be easier to handle. Put things in perspective if you feel yourself getting hot under the collar. There are just as many people hitting up the shops as there are people who can't go shopping because they can't pay the mortgage.

To handle E - ughhhhh! I'm reminded of "Fried Green Tomatoes" when Kathy Bates just lost it in the parking lot with the two girls who stole her parking space. You will probably run into that as well as bubbleheads (note bubble not Bubbie) who yak loudly or text on their cellphones totally oblivious and inconsiderate to those around them. Say to yourself: Towanda! Or simply remember that karma is alive and kicking butts daily. Don't let it get you down, okay?

3. If you go too strict on yourself budget-wise, you could be setting yourself up to fail. So on your list, leave three blank spaces, with the intention of trying to use only one. These can be gifts for yourself or others. Sometimes there are unadvertised sales or a person you left off the list.

The key to happiness on BF is not to stick to your budget (that would be too good to be true, wouldn't it?), but to not crazily exceed it. The credit card balance and guilt would knock you down and keep you down well into 2010.

Treat BF like a day of luxury. You'll meet all kinds of people: from friendly to stressed to angry and rude SOB's. But now you're prepared. You can handle anything!

Please remember your independent retailers as well for any additional Christmas goodies.

Now go act like the grown-up's you are and don't forget a little something for the Bubbie in your life.

2009-11-24T06:03:00.001-08:00

You can find Dearbubbie on Facebook. Please feel free to submit wall posts that you think will inspire others. Humor is always good, right? If you have a question for dearbubbie, write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com.

2009-11-21T05:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Bubbie,

Not a question, but rather a comment based on your profile on Blogspot. I am not married and am 37 years old. I don't know how you managed to make it through the holiday season for so many years alone. I hate this time of year. There is nothing that will make me change my mind. The holiday crap starts so early every year that it feels like it will be forever for Christmas and New Year's to come and go.

It is EXTREMELY tough being alone.

Louise

P.S. I do have friends and I could go out on dates, but nobody floats my boat. I'd rather be alone than waste my time

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Dear Louise,

Well, of course, I used to feel like you - except for worse. Once the New Year festivities were over with, there were all these advertisements for Valentine's Day! I needed February 14th to be over with before I could breathe again.

I'm not going to preach to you, because I don't think it is an easy time of year AND you didn't ask for my advice. But I'll tell you three things that may help the going get easier. Wait a minute. .four things:

1. Read the letter from "Another Holiday Stab in the Heart". Just because people are together for holidays doesn't make it great. In so many cases, it's just a huge cause for stress. Even when people travel, there's the hassle of packing and flying.

2. You can do whatever the heck you want (including cry!); eat whatever and however much you want to eat or not even eat at all!

3. Please do something a little out of the ordinary. One year I went to St. Armand's Circle (an outdoor shopping circle) and it was packed with people. I had tears in my eyes as I saw couples holding hands and then I saw HIM! Jerry Springer, the talk show host! He had bought one of my Mom's paintings and I reminded him of who I was and he remembered me. Tears gone - the rest of the day was great!

4. My best Thanksgiving as a single person happened when I told myself - this may BE the last Thanksgiving I get to be alone, so enjoy it for all its worth. Guess what? It was my last Thanksgiving alone. And the following one - with family - wasn't so great!

5. Oops - there's five?? You are very telling in your letter, Louise. You have friends you can be with? You could even have a date? You are CHOOSING to be alone, whether you realize it or not. So, it shows you do take comfort and contentment in it. It's great to have options.

Finally, you know what kind of changed the holiday blues for Bubbie? This is kind of mean. .I had dated a gorgeous, successful man and was boo-hoo'ing on my first Fourth of July without him (thinking I was missing out on barbecue and fun at the beach or on his boat).

Like Jerry Springer suddenly appeared, I saw him walking with his new girlfriend. He had gotten VERY fat and unhealthy looking. I thought of how much he drank (too much) and him stuffing his face with hot dogs and hamburgers and possibly even having his pretentious friends around. .and it was truly Independence Day for me!

Keep in touch, friend. And be thankful.

__________________________________________________________________

If you're on Facebook, look up our page Dearbubbie and join the community of Bubbies. For questions, write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com. Appointments are also available by calling: (941) 726-6928.

The Journey in Trying

2009-11-19T17:25:00.000-08:00

When my friend was keeping a secret 'under her hat' from me (Her best friend! Her Bubbie!), I have to admit - I was hurt. No, she doesn't have to tell me everything, but what was going on that she felt she couldn't tell me?

Turns out she went to an International Nanny Headhunting Agency and was being considered for a temporary position. "I didn't want you to be disappointed or get too excited if things didn't work out," she explained.

What she didn't understand is that I am such a fan of people who even attempt things outside their comfort zone. It takes courage to go out for a new sport, audition for a role in a play or interview for a job. The end result isn't what matters - but what we gain from the journey along the way.

Throughout my many attempts, I had seen myself as a failure. When my music career ended without fame, fortune or fanfare - it took years and years to realize that my record got airplay on radio stations across the country. How many people can say that? My years of trying to make it in the music biz, resulted in a manuscript entitled: "WLAQ/Q-102, May I Help You?". That resulted in me feeling like a failure when I got rejection letter after rejection letter from literary agents. That is until one started with: "Dear Author". Author? Me? That's when I discovered that at least I had finished a manuscript and had something to present to them - awful as it was/is.

I had started a dog lover's club in Atlanta, but as it expanded into The USA Loves Dogs Club, it became too much for me. I published The Doggone Good Times, did national bulk mail, had an '800' number and was driving myself into debt. I ended up selling the whole doggone thing to "Good Dog Magazine" for something like $200.00. The thing is - our club did a lot of good and people enjoyed the outings with their dogs.

My whole life has been about working hard, paying dues and going for it. Interesting that I wasn't rewarded with the desired end result, but always with something much better. I've never felt so alive when I was reaching for what turned out to be unattainable goals.

When fate handed me the opportunity to go it alone with picture framing, I found a freedom in really getting to know my customers one-on-one. I wasn't raking in the money, which was an objective, but I was making a connection with people. They sit at the design table, sipping coffee or water, and we talk. I decided to fix up one lonely customer, who I totally adored. Within months - he married the woman I introduced him to - and DearBubbie became a side business.

Will Bubbie succeed? Who knows? But what I've learned through all my 'tries', it that it's been an exhilarating ride. I've learned not to get my hopes up, but just take a chance or two as I step outside the comfort zone into yet another chapter.

We all only have one life to live.

So whether it's asking a certain somebody out on a date or starting over in a new career - it's a victory to just not be sitting on the sidelines. As for my friend who is awaiting word from the Nanny Agency.. .she's already a winner and Bubbie is very proud of her.

Have a question for DearBubbie? Become a DearBubbie Fan on Facebook or write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com.

Another Holiday Stab in the Heart

2009-11-16T14:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers:

The holidays are such a double-edged sword - a blessing and such a curse.

A compassionate person can't help but think of those less fortunate as they sit down to a beautiful Thanksgiving table, with an incredible bounty of food. Some people, bless them, do volunteering at the local food banks and Salvation Army.

Some elderly parents are disappointed that their married child is spending the holiday's with the other spouse's parents rather than them.

Or it could be a young child of divorce who makes the difficult choice of spending the holidays with one parent over another.

In one particular case, a woman is upset that her grown children have chosen to stay with their father for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. She is the one who raised the children and made sure birthdays were special, while the kids would be lucky if they even heard from their Dad.

The explanation is logical and reasonable. .the father lives within driving distance while Mom is on the other coast. Yet, how can can she reconcile her hurt feelings that she will be alone - while they will all celebrate together?

How does one NOT feel hurt by what feels like a slight - even though logically, we know it isn't.

One person already told her that there is a more important plan for her than spending that time with her children. I like to think that as well. But what can we advise her so that she doesn't blame her children - or worse, herself? How can we help her make it through the holidays with contentment and peace?

Love,
Bubbie

Welcome To Dear Bubbie

2009-11-14T13:15:00.000-08:00

For those new to this 'spot', we're a community trying to assist others with common sense solutions to everyday relatable issues. We always welcome your comments.

If you have a question, please write to dearbubbie@yahoo.com

With love,
Bubbie

Menopausal Behaviors Disrupt Loving Home

2009-11-14T05:21:00.000-08:00

Got a problem that you'd like some input on? Write to dearbubbie@yahoo.com

Dear Bubbie,

This stinks. I've been married to a great man for over 20 years - and I feel I'm getting away with behavior that is unacceptable! I am taking his love for granted, no doubt.

I've been going through menopause and my moods have been extreme. When I'm down, I actually get on the verge of tears. Sometimes little things - really minor things - work me into a tizzy.

I apologize to my husband, who is very understanding, but he shouldn't have to put up with my unpredictability. There is no justification for my explosions - no rhyme or reason - but at the time, I just meltdown.

I love my husband. He deserves better. What can I do?

Sandra

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sandra,

You and I have had several e-mail exchanges and you expressed to me that while you're "short on patience" in some cases, you're still nice to everyone else. It's your husband that is getting the brunt of your 'releases'.

Exercise: Visualize that you and your husband are on the same football team - same shirts. (Pick a team color! Fuchsia!) No matter how irritated you feel towards him (in the same manner a running end may be annoyed at his quarterback), you two MUST support each other.

It's a good thing, Sandra, that you recognize you're taking your mood swings out on the one who you can 'get away with' being not nice to. And, I'm glad you don't have self-hate yourself for this behavior or blame him. Some of it is controllable, but it is wacky hormones as well.

Since we know I'm NOT a doctor, I'd like for you to Google Menopause Mood Swings. What you are looking for is an easy-to-read article that explains that your mood swings are indeed physiological and driven by hormones. Print it out, draw hearts on it (I'm big on personalization!), and ask your husband to read it. Thank him for being a supportive teammate throughout this stage of your life.

There are also support groups online that may offer great suggestions. (Always use your common sense.)

You also mentioned that you are having difficulty sleeping for more than three hours a night. Why don't you want to see a doctor? You can listen to what he/she has to say, but you're not forced to act upon it. I know there can be doom and gloom associated with visits, but just keep the information that they have been educated with and keep that in your back pocket.

There are numerous books to buy online or at the bookstore or even at the library. Some women tout Suzanne Somers; but Bubbie says: Do what you feel comfortable doing. Follow YOUR gut.

Finally, I suggest you also research natural ways - from foods to herbs - that can alleviate anything from the mood swings to hot flashes. Go to your local health food store and research online. Talk to any other friends who are going through this time of life.

Instead of tackling your teammate and taking him down with you - go off by yourself for a walk or exercise and get it out of your system that way. We live in modern times and there's no need for you or your husband to suffer through this. Best to you, my dear Sandra. (By the way, you sound like a wonderful wife. Don't beat yourself up.)

Love,
Bubbie

Dreading the Holidays

2009-11-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Bubbie,

I knew when I married my husband that his family came first - meaning his three horrible brothers. When they come for visits (which is often), they take over the house. I am the fifth wheel. Ignored. Disregarded. Tolerated. I am the outsider in my own home.

I love my husband and this is a tricky situation, because it's the only time he won't bend. Over time (three years), my resentment has grown to such an extent that I totally dread Thanksgiving. And December, because who knows who is going to tell us they're going to be at our house for Christmas.

Can anything be done to help me through this?

Signed,

Losing It

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Losing It,

I'm sure you have peacefully and calmly tried talking to your husband at a 'good' time for him (timing is everything). If you haven't, you must let him know - in a nice tone of voice - that YOU - not his brothers - are the #1 Family Priority. You shouldn't have to be subjected to rude, obnoxious behavior by anyone in your house - let alone your husband's relatives.

If possible, try to take the compromising route on both sides.

Write down the things about the visits that disturb you the most. See if hubby will alleviate any of your aggravations with fixable solutions. If he agrees - make a colorful poster, hang it in the bedroom with the new set of boundaries. (This way, he can't say he forgot or it wasn't mentioned.) Make sure you include on the poster: "I love you" or "You're My Hero" or "Thank You" with hearts.

If there's no compromise on his part, you could do what my friend, Cindy does. . .

When her husband's family is in town, she actually gets a motel room. It sounds awful to be chased out of your own home, but she looks at it as an opportunity for her own vacation. She said she doesn't want to see her home taken over, so since she can't change it - this is what works for her.

If you can't afford a motel, then just do a day trip or spend the day with your family/friends.

I know you didn't get married to spend the holidays without your husband. But, I wouldn't make my life miserable either by tolerating bad treatment during the holidays. If hubby doesn't compromise - it doesn't say much for the relationship if he chooses to spend the day with his brothers over you. Don't cook for them or clean up after them.

Try to continue to be loving throughout the entire dialogue instead of angry at him. Perhaps he'll 'hear' you better. Good luck and I hope somehow there is a happier turkey day awaiting you.

Love,
Bubbie

Flash 55 - The Transition of Hope

2009-11-12T18:14:00.000-08:00

Hope became a splinter that annoyingly, unsympathetically hides beneath layers of skin.

What once gave excitement is now just a constant reminder of pain that can't be completely extracted.

Not yet.

Too many years have been invested, drop by soul-baring drop in increments ranging from dread to anticipation.

Time to give up.

No. Not yet.

Flash 55

2009-11-06T04:34:00.000-08:00

Sensory Overload!
Louise absolutely loves it.
DingDingDing Blinding Blinking Flashing Neon
Bells Whistles 7's Aces Diamonds Wheel of Fortune People
She sticks the first quarter in.
She's ahead! She's behind!
The slots tease her into a false hope of financial freedom.
Heading home, she wonders what she'll tell her husband.
Louise absolutely hates it.

Powerful Ex Has Taken her Child

2009-11-04T06:04:00.000-08:00

This came via Dearbubbie@yahoo.com. Your input is welcome.

Dear Bubbie,

My ex, a powerful man in our community hurt me while we were still married. I pressed charges and it made the newspapers. Of course, we divorced shortly thereafter.

He is cruel, spiteful and revengeful and has literally stolen my child, Bobby, away from me.

Because he is a multi-millionaire, he has basically bankrupted me as I've run out of money trying to fight for my child back. Last December, right before we went to court, my lawyer QUIT (because I wouldn't hand over custody) and I was forced to represent myself. It was a snowy miserable day and right before I went into court, a truck sped by my parked car - getting dirty, salty snow all over my nylons and skirt.

Because custody is a personal matter (right?) and no one's business, I had no one with me.

He shows up with his entire family (they're like the Kennedy clan); business associates and their wives; and friends that filled up his half of the courtroom.

I was there alone...and his attorney mentioned that, too. Well, Ms. Attorney bitch, my father has dementia and my mother is dead. My only sibling lives across the country and my closest friends WORK. I didn't think I needed to burden them with a public lynching! My ex on the other hand, gave out tickets for the horror show. It was unbelievable and probably like watching something at the Roman Coliseum, for a full day of testimony. One day, Bobby will want to beat the shit out of his father for putting me through that. I just know it. I did not deserve what happened, nor does my child.

Bubbie, I haven't spoken one word to my son since Sept. 19th. He has legally stolen him from me and I can't afford to do a damn thing about it. I still owe my former attorney $9,000. I lost my house after threats of foreclosure last June before it became popular to do so. I'm not crying victim, it's just that this man has made it his mission to ruin me. He wouldn't cross the street to piss on me if I was on fire.

I think I'll go to free legal aide. It isn't easy being me.

Margaret

Dear Margaret,

You are right. It isn't easy being you right now. But that can all change in the blink of an eye. God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I googled your town and came across the newspaper article when your then-husband did strike you. I'm sure your town was shocked by what goes on behind closed doors.

Try writing to some local or near-by attorneys and see if they'll take your case pro-bono. I hope that's the right term. Perhaps they can collect legal fees from the "other party" since he seems to be dragging it on. Ask if you can do some payment plans, even. Do you have any friends that have lawyers for friends who can help you? Contacts do help.

As for not talking to your child. . doesn't he have a cellphone? Is he on any kind of social network? The fact that you can not speak to your child will NOT BODE WELL for your ex in any future hearing. This is not good for the child.

The courtroom situation that you described - it sounds like you could almost suffer from Post Traumatic Stress after such a happening! So, I want you to know that you're not alone in something like that. Look at Heather Mills and Paul McCartney. (Who knows the true story there, but you are NOT alone.) I think a judge would have sympathy for the situation you described above. . the former rich powerful husband and the people with the mentality of "choosing sides" with the person they think will benefit them the most. It's a horrible picture of David vs. Goliath and the way you envision it is NOT the way the judge saw it.

Think of a movie you would watch, Margaret. Wouldn't you be rooting for the woman standing alone? In that room it was mob mentality. In a book or movie, you're the real hero. Living through something like that can bring tears to your eyes - so you must see if from a different viewpoint and applaud wildly for yourself. Okay? That was a surreal experience that's in the PAST.

Please keep records of everything and be prepared with a list or what's happening and questions for your new attorney. By the way, I hope the NEW WIFE has her ducks in a row. She's next. .and the situation could drive them apart.

You're good to go. You don't have the abusive husband anymore. Now with the RIGHT lawyer, you'll get your child back. Please keep us all posted about communication with your child. HANG IN.

Love,
Bubbie

He's Awful, But I Love Him Follow-Up

2009-11-04T05:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Bubbie,

Thanks for asking for a follow-up. I did leave him. . .again. . .

I reread every one's comments for strength. I felt like a I had people 'out there' caring about me. I didn't want to let you or them down. By the way, is there a way for me to thank them??

Anyway, I was keeping dibs on him. Do you know - within ONE week, he is actually NOW seeing an acquaintance of mine?

I feel betrayed, Bubbie, by her. But good luck to her. (Welcome to HELL, Katie.) Now she is stuck with his problems.

Honestly? I almost felt like I was having an out-of-body experience when I heard the news. I did cry. I was numb.

Then a light bulb went off. I feel so fortunate he could date someone so soon, because now I know I'll never go back. I am so disgusted by him.

If I feel myself slipping, I'm going to think of his fat belly and dirty belly button and her touching it! Ick!

I'll sign this,

Finally free,
Jenny

Dear Jenny,

You know that you had me laughing at your letter. Nothing like having a visual to get over someone! You are going to be fine. You're a smart girl. Keep in touch. And have MANY a Happy Sunday!

Follow-up from Cindy Replies!

2009-11-04T05:44:00.001-08:00

Dear Bubbie,

I'm sorry I never did make an appointment with you. Maybe one day I will. While I appreciate your good advice and Nessa and Monkey Man's (Monkey Man???) input, I didn't keep my resolve. My boyfriend promised me that he and Joan are just friends and I don't have proof. Yes, I'm suspicious, but I need actual proof.

It didn't make sense to me to stay away from someone I want to be with. And he wants to be with me. He was so sad when I broke it off with him. I know it's not the ideal situation, but I'm going to stay with him until I meet someone better.

Cindy

Dear Cindy,

We're all made up differently so don't beat yourself up. Hire a private detective if you need to see 'proof'. But remember, we believe it's a trust issue and a lack of respect towards you that he doesn't honor your requests regarding Joan. Something to remember Cindy. . .life is short. I think when people have regrets over relationships - it's that they stayed too long. Wasted too much time. I hate to see you being played for a fool.

I hate to say, but I get the feeling that you think you deserve this. You're comfortable in this relationship because you're too afraid of the unknown. When the time is right for you, then you'll take off the blinders and go clearly into the future. Don't give up trying to break it off. . .it's like dieting. .sometimes the first time doesn't take! Good luck, Cindy.

Follow-up From Sept. "I TOLD YOU SO"

2009-11-04T05:35:00.000-08:00

We requested a follow-up from Sid, who initially wrote to us that he wanted to break up with his girlfriend, but was scared of the "I told you so's" that were bound to follow. He writes:

Dear Bubbie:

Here's the follow-up you requested. The day I read your response, I broke up with my girlfriend. I had been practicing in my head for weeks.

Not ONE person said, "I told you so." Instead, I got sympathetic nods.

It turns out she WAS a psycho woman. She seemed to handle the break-up well and then she started texting me like 20 times a day. I'm not exaggerating. It's been a week since I've heard from her, so I hope she's moved on. Man, everyone was right!

Sid

Dear Sid,

I think it's always a 'red flag' when people you are close to don't care for your choice of future girlfriend. It's important not to get too involved to begin with, or try to prove them wrong from the get-go. As for her being a psycho-woman - you didn't elaborate, so I'll take your word for it. But do cut your ex some slack. The broken heart can do some pretty unreasonable things. Glad you did make the cut for both your sake's.

Bubbie

He's Awful - But She Loves Him

2009-10-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Bubbie,

My soon-t0-be-ex (again) is fat, selfish, has no money, complains about EVERYTHING and has no motivation to change his life.

We have been together almost two years and we've already broken up six times. According to him, each time it's been my fault. During the last break-up, I did sleep with someone he knows. Not a close friend, but a man who he sees on occasion for work.

Now HE says he will never get over my sleeping with someone else - even though I have begged for his forgiveness. (We weren't 'a couple' when it happened!!!!)

As for him, he dated during our break-ups and did everything I wanted to do with him when we were together (but he never did). He always said it was his finances or it's his only day off, he's tired. Even trying to get him to go on hiking with me was like dragging a kid to the dentist.

My question for you, Bubbie is: Why won't he forgive my one lapse that happened while we were broken up? And why won't he commit to me, even though I know he cares. He says he loves me every day. I know I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him and he'll never get anyone like me again. I'm willing to overlook his shortcomings, why won't he overlook mine?

Love,
Jenny
_________________________________________________________________

Dear Jenny,

Let's face it, you may think you 'love' him, but I think in time, you'll find that you didn't even really like him that much - despite good qualities. By the way, you failed to mention any good qualities in your letter, but I'm sure he has some or else you wouldn't be with him, right?
Overall, I say you definitely 'dodged a bullet' and you are one very lucky woman. Thank goodness, he doesn't want to commit, or you'll spend every Sunday nagging him to be with you - like he's doing YOU a favor.
Honey, what you need is the strength to break it off with him AND then stay away. You have a lot of 'sisters' out there who feel your pain and are probably thinking: "She's lucky it's only been two years."
Don't turn your two years of misguided devotion into 5, 8 or 12 years. Six break-up's don't spell out a loving relationship - but a ton of turmoil. Why would one equate love with drama?
I also have some unwelcome news for you. You are not the best thing that ever happened to him. You're too good for him. He needs someone LESS than what you are, so he can feel great about himself. He knows you're too good for him, too - and your fawning over him probably makes him feel like a fraud. He's using psychological warfare on you by holding your 'lapse' in judgment against you. He's keeping you hanging on with his words of love, but his INACTION speaks louder than words. You're smarter than that.
Jenny - it's time to start living your life. Wait for the day when a man asks YOU if you'll go hiking with him and being appreciative of your company when you say yes. Hold your head high and keep eyes straight into the present and ahead to a great tomorrow.

Best,
Bubbie

This is a BLOG - your constructive comments are welcome. Have a question for Bubbie? E-mail: dearbubbie@yahoo.com. Consultations are available in Sarasota only - coming to Skype soon.

Flash 55

2009-10-23T05:38:00.001-07:00

The usually very happy teenaged stepdaughter had a meltdown. She lived with her Dad and Stepmom for only four months.

Forgetting the four principles, Stepmom took it personally.

"If she's not happy here, let her go home to her mother!!"

An apology followed. "I like being here," the teen said, gently.

Stepmom melted . .and learned.

Bubbie Weighs In - Part II

2009-10-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

(Please read Bubbie Weighs In On Weight Loss - for Rachel, first)

Bubbie checked in on Rach's blog this morning to see if she posted how her day's diet went. I was horrified to read the word FAIL in regards to her treadmill goal.

I wasn't sad that she didn't exercise, but upset that she used the word FAIL. Her attitude is defeatist and she's beating herself up like she's a terrible person.

Somehow, I think if Rach wrote down an honest pros and cons list about herself, the pros would 'outweigh' the cons 10 to 1. Yet, when one has a problem - be it boyfriend woes, money issues or simply overeats - it permeates their entire existence. All their shortcomings and problems are magnified beyond reality.

I think Rach would have been better off to write on her Treadmill log: HUMAN, rather than FAIL. Just looking at a negative word brings about one more thing to feel badly about.

Here's my plan for Rach. Let Bubbie know if any of you try it. . .

This evening, pick out your nicest outfit. Whether you're a stay-at-home Mom or an administrative assistant - dress to impress yourself! Plan jewelry and even nicer underthings.

Pull out your make-up and slather it on. For on THIS day, you are NOT overweight. We are playing pretend for one full day. That also means we don't discuss weight for 24 hours. Not a peep.

Keep your diet journal close at hand and record what you're eating. If you accidentally record 2,000 calories by 10:00am (oops!), then pretend that you allowed yourself 2,500 for the day. I believe there is no such thing as failing or messing up where it can't be offset. Here's an example:

If you dropped a vase, what would you do?
A. Let it sit on the floor in a million pieces and feel badly all day.
B. Pick it up, throw it away and start fresh (and/or)
C. Glue it back together

As a tennis player (Bubbie plays tennis!), I don't hang onto a double fault. Instead, I try to ace on my next serve. If I hit a couple of balls into the net, I'm not going to give my competitor the match, I'm going to bend lower, follow through and hit a winner.

Don't use your compulsive eating mistake as an excuse to give up for the day. You gotta fight through it.

One thing us fabulous fatties and former fatties know is HOW to lose weight. We're experts on calories and the right and wrong foods. We also know that the success to a diet doesn't begin with our stomachs, but our heads. We have to be in the proper mindset.

So start today all dolled up and gorgeous. If you start to get a negative feeling about yourself, get rid of it. Deal with it tomorrow. Today, you are a hottie!

Strut your stuff and know that anything is possible and no one - especially yourself - is going to upset your day!

Tomorrow or Saturday, we're going to look at exercise. The very word appalls me. I don't exercise. I move it, shake it and give myself a workout by having FUN. We're going to explore what your fun is that could be the jumpstart to a skinnier you.

Fail? NEVER!

With love and absolutely no calories, I remain. ..your Bubbie.

(By the way, I haven't been able to post or e-mail Rach. She doesn't even know that someone out there is rooting for her just based on her wonderful heartfelt writing. Can YOU help me contact Rach? Her blog is: I want to Lose it (for real).)

Bubbie Weighs in on Weight Loss - for Rachel

2009-10-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

Bubbie's heart breaks in two for those who struggle with weight loss. I know the joy of eating and giving into temptation - only to feel sick about the decision later.

Of course our downfall is most likely the compulsive eating that comes from an unexpected culinary masterpiece that falls within our reach (and later, our thighs). I've always had the attitude that I could get hit by a car tomorrow or life is short - I'm not passing by the prime rib. I'll diet tomorrow.

The fact is that as Americans - we're lucky. We aren't starving in Africa; we have the opposite problem - too much consumption which leads to unwanted, unhealthy pounds.

If we eat the prime rib tonight and start our diets tomorrow, the next day's temptation will dare us to take a bite - be it macaroni and cheese (hello Rach) or birthday cake.

I have so many favorite foods. I don't want to make myself miserable by not eating or make myself even more depressed if I do (because I've exceeded my calorie 'budget').

I have two suggestions to kick-start a plan. We've all heard this term before: Food substitution. I'm a believer, but with a twist.

Start by filling your freezer with Lean Cuisines (or other calorie-restrictive frozen dinner). IF meatloaf is on the menu - take a teeeeeeeny portion of your calorie-laden meatloaf and throw it into your Lean Cuisine portion. Instead of consuming 800 calories at one meal, you'll be closer to 500 by adding the small portion to your 300 calorie frozen dinner. You can not feel sad or deprived - you got a good portion of dinner and got to eat the good stuff as well.

Also - and we all know this - be careful of salad dressing, cheese and croutons on top. Don't even think of eating a salad if you're going to corrupt it with calories. Maybe it's healthier than a HoHo, but if I'm going to consume the calories, pass me the Hostess cupcakes. So please, for Bubbie - if you're going to eat a salad - don't make it into calorie chaos.

We can get into snack substitutes, but for now, grab the 100-calorie Orville Redenbacher popcorn. Eat that after an apple if you like to eat non-stop.

Finally, you can do great on the food, but the calories in what we drink can sabotage all good intentions.

Let's do this diet in three-day intervals, rather than I'm going to Vegas in 30 days. Make it to Day Three and then go for another three days.

If there's a food you MUST have, save it for the next day and allow the extra calories by cutting back on lunch. You can eat a steak and still lose weight. Cut a reasonable portion size (and throw the rest down the sink). You can make what seems to be a no-no food as part of your weight-loss plan.

I'll be posting a follow-up for a Day Two plan that I think will work just for you. It's actually a fun plan that includes fantasy!

Please tell me you feel better already. Bubbie does.