"I wish I could stay 21 forever. But I won't ever be old in my heart or in my mind." - Dolly Parton
I just wanted to strangle the Publix bag woman after what she had just done. No, she didn't pack the cake in upside down. She didn't squash the tomatoes or put a ton of heavy items in one bag.
What she did do was offer to help my 80-something year old Mother to walk, while I accompanied her from the grocery store. My mother and I both wondered why the bagger instructed my Mom to grab hold of the shopping cart "like this". We thought she was leaving us to do something else.
Instead it was merely a kind gesture because she feared my Mother couldn't make it down the ramp without hanging onto something. Mom laughed and said: "Oh, I don't need to hang onto the cart."
I was a little more aghast, exclaiming: "Sheesh! She can walk! She's in excellent shape."
The Bubbies on the DearBubbie Facebook page didn't understand what I described as an "irate reaction". "The bagger was only being nice. One day, we too, will need help."
Absolutely.
I was just a tad insulted that the bagger didn't take a couple of things into consideration. Like:
A. I'm not going to let my Mother fall. Why did the bagger (a stranger) think that I would be so overconscientious and leave the safety of my Mom to her? Follow my lead. I wasn't worried. She didn't have to worry.
B. My Mom was walking fine. Do some profiling. Don't assume because she has grey hair that she needs a helping hand.
C. Not only did she assume my Mom needed help, but she instructed Mom to hold onto the cart like it was a walker.
The bagger was not exactly a Spring chicken. I wonder how she would have felt if I very nicely told her: "Now, you hold tight to the handle, like this, so we make sure you make it safely to the car."
Anyway. Poor Mom. On her birthday, she was denied a new driver's license. For an older person, what possibly could spell a loss of independence more than not being able to drive? (I can't imagine how I'd feel except I'd imagine I'd slip into a deep depression. I would not age gently into that good night.)
The first time we went grocery shopping, I did everything wrong. I answered the clerk's questions for Mom. I took charge. I helped.
And boy, while she never said anything, I know my Mother. She resented the Hell out of it. We can read our parents like a book.
So, this time around, I was there for the fun of shopping. As we chatted, it was an excursion I considered a success. Age was not an issue - we were two gals grocery shopping.
The clerk exchanged friendly banter with Mom and the bag lady just started walking our cart outside.
Once outside, that's when she instructed Mom to grab the handle of the cart.
When I was a teenager, my Mother never talked down to me because I was young. She never told me "NO" without an explanation. She never said: "You're too young to understand." She knew that I still had half a brain, even at 16 years old. She looked past my youth and saw a person.
As an adult, I owe it to her to look past her age. She is NOT an age. She is a person who has earned respect. She owned a successful business for 25 years. She raised a family and buried a husband. She keeps in shape by gardening and swimming. She takes immaculate care of her house and her cat. She is not 'cute' or 'adorable'. She is full of wisdom that is worth taking seriously.
Legally, she isn't supposed to drive. But damn it, bag woman at Publix, she can walk.
At the age of 8, Michael Kearney, a home schooled prodigy completed an Associate of Science degree in geology while at Santa Rosa Junior College. He would then go on to graduate with a bachelor’s degree in anthropology from University of South Alabama at 10, a master’s in biochemistry from Middle Tennessee State University at 14, and another master’s – this time in computer science - from Vanderbilt at 17.
At 61 years old, Diana Nyad attempted to swim from Cuba to the Florida Keys.
At 65 years old, Dolly Parton bought the record company that said she was too old to make CD's.
At 80 years old, Nick Bollettieri jumped out of an airplane.
All I'm saying is to treat each individual as a person - not an age. Don't clump all youth or seniors into a stereotype. Because when you do that, DearBubbie becomes irate.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Hijacking a Facebook Wall
While this thread was supposed to revolve around a teen's angst over having her Mom take away driving privileges, I got bombarded with private messages about the wall being hijacked. While I believe people SHOULD be able to speak their mind, there is a certain amount of 'arrogance' by people who post SO LONG thinking their thoughts are so important, interesting and helpful that they ramble.
While it had always been my intention that ANYONE is free to skip over LONG posts, I was told it was like slowing down a chapter in a book. It's a turn-off. That DearBubbie needed to control HER wall. If people like to go on and on - let them do it on their OWN wall.
Because I don't like to rock the boat, I went to MY DearBubbie - my mother. She was appalled and just said that she saw it as inconsiderate to other people on the wall. She felt it discouraged others from reading all the rest of the posts - and to give others a chance to give their heartfelt opinions.
When I heard the word inconsiderate and from another Bubbie, the word "hijacking a thread", I knew I had to speak up.
The thing is - we've all been there, done that. When we're passionate about a subject - we tend to ramble. Guess what? When we ramble, we actually LOSE our audience, our voice - than if we keep it crisp and concise.
So, I stated on the DearBubbie Facebook Page that we have to make LONG posts, the exception, not the rule. We've already had one Bubbie threaten to leave the wall. I hate the arrogance of what I NEED to say next, but: MY WALL, MY RULES. For everyone's sake and for the consideration of others - we need to edit ourselves better (myself definitely included) to be a louder voice and encourage ALL voices.
After looking a the below thread - do you agree or disagree?
"I am going to be 17 on August 20th and have been saving to buy my own car. Most of my friend's parents bought them cars when they turned 16. They say once I save $1,000.00 - they'll buy me a used car and I'll be in charge of insurance, gas and upkeep. . "In the meantime, I've been using Mom's car, but now I've been banned from using it because I've been letting my friend Marcia drive it. This is "until further notice". Is this fair? They like Marcia! Mom just doesn't like to share and n...ow I walk everywhere or a friend picks me up. I have barely talked to Mom as punishment for close to two weeks. She won't listen to me! And she is insured for other drivers. Why is she making such a big deal over this? Daddy says he's staying out of this one."
Kelly: Yes this is fair. It is Mom's car. When you have your own car and are taking care of it yourself, including the insurance, then you can allow anyone you want to drive your car. Mom likely knows that teens aren't the most experienced drivers and would like to protect the investment she has made.
Liz: When someone lets you use something of theirs, you do not loan it other people without their permission. I'm tempted to ignore the feeling you seem to have (although I might be wrong) that you deserve to be given a car because you born. Sorry, but I'm not going to. Just because your friends parents gave their kids cars does not mean that your parents have to, or should.
Vicki: Mom's car is mom's car. When you are paying for insurance on your car that you bought with your hard earned money you can decide if you want to let your friend Marcia drive your car. You want your mom to respect your things; than respect her things. And girlfriend set yourself some boundries and tell your girlfriend to get her own stuff.
DearBubbie: Pretend that it was your cellphone and you were giving it to Mom - even though you wanted to use it. And then she gives it to one of her friends to use. However, a cellphone can't kill someone. She's liable if something happened to Marcia. Life changing for her because you didn't think everything through. There's more - but I'll leave this forum for the others (for now).
Lisa: Sorry - no sympathy from me either. You are still a minor you still live under their roof and as much as you think you know- your Mom knows more. You should not have let your friend drive your MOM"S car. She was doing you a favor by lett...ing you drive it in the first place. You need to learn to respect your parents rules. They are there for a reason. Suck it up and show your parents you are maturing and handle your business and deal with the consequences of your actions like the adult you want to be treated as.Mary: One thing I learned about Mom's a long time ago is that you have to do SPECIFICALLY what they ask. I am sure that Mom set down rules for her car and what she expected from you. You screwed up. Best thing you could do right now is grovel at ...her feet and apologize over and over. If you want to be treated as an adult, act like one. I have bad news for you babe, "punishing" Mom by not talking to her is acting like a spoiled brat. In Mom's eyes, you are just showing her how immature you still are.
Mary: And giving her peace and quiet. Thats not a bad thing for most Mom's, trust me.
.
Chris: yes, what Mary said! My husband and i were making my Step Daughter's car payment from the time she was 18-20. She has always been a bit disrespectful to her Dad and when she got married in her early 20's the disrespect grew. Her Dad trie...d calling her about some important things and for 6 months this young lady did not bother to call her Father back. He said, "just wait, I will skip a car payment and when she gets the letter from the bank she will call." (The loan is in her name/we cosigned for her.) Not only did she call, BUT proceeded to chastise, swear at and berate her Father for not making her payment and not bothering to tell her! Getting the picture here yet, Miss 17 yr old? So , a simple call she could have made telling Dad she was sorry for being so disrespectful of someone that was paying for her car, just got done paying for some extra schooling, and a list of other things.... turned into a bigger headache for her. Dad STOPPED the car payment and told her she and her husband could be responsible adults and pay themselves. More swearing and name calling by her....hmmmm, so mature. He even sent her a text saying all she needed to do was return her Dad's calls once in awhile and show a little respect. She threatened to ruin his credit. Well,that would have been even more silly on her part because the bank would take away her car (all over a $100 payment per month on a nice SUV.)So Miss 17 year old, "don't bite the hand that feeds you." Learn some maturity and APOLOGIZE to your Mom who was doing you not only a favor, but treating you like an adult when she allowed YOU to borrow her car. YOU broke her trust and made the mistake. NOT your MOM! I am not for one minute saying that Mom's and Dad's are perfect~all parent's make mistakes, BUT show her that you can be mature and LEARN from your mistakes. And even if your parent's make a "blunder" here and there, they are still your parents and deserve some care and respect for all the hard years of raising a child. YOU will understand exactly how they feel one day when you have your own child and you realize how much your parents LOVE you and want nothing but great things for their daughter. The last thing they want is to get a call from the police or hospital saying their daughter was in an accident and a friend was driving the car. It is hard enough for a parent to give the keys to an automobile to their child~they worry for your safety every time you turn the key.My Dad owned an auto body business and saw many cars with the blood of teenagers. When i got the chance to drive any car at your age, there was a LIST of rules. I always respected them. You are sounding like a whiny, spoiled brat in your letter, even though you think you saved $1000. Big deal. Cars cost way more than that and your insurance will cost you more than that in a year along with the gas you put in it. You don't have the first clue. I do congratulate you on saving that money. But it does not ENTITLE you to anything. $1000 right now in the difficult economy that we all live in means food on some families tables and a roof over their head for just a month. Learn some priorities quickly while you still have the chance to live in a safe house with parents that support and care for you.If you were my child, a bicycle is what you would be riding for awhile if you were treating me like you are treating your Mom. Your friends that get cars given to them... well I hope they show their parent's love and respect for it. I can guess that many of them don't. Welcome to the real world Miss teenager.
January: I agree with all the above. But, people why do we give our kids expensive gifts? We are making them into spoiled, entitled brats! Teach them the value of a dollar, and that you have to work hard for what you want. Cars kill people, teach them to take that seriously. They will become better adults.
Sharon: This will teach you responsibility and teach you that as with anything in life, it means more if you earn it yourself and you will gain the respect of your family and friends. It is the first step of becoming a responsible adult.
Natalie: DITTO DITTO DITTO TO ALL THE ABOVE. I dont know how you expected to hear anything but this. And this too shall pass.
Chris: I agree, January. I told my husband his biggest fault as a parent in my humble opinion was spoiling the hell out of his only child. He loves his daughter so much and gave her everything he could possibly afford for her. And... the only person his daughter really 'hurts" with her actions is herself. His feelings are hurt often by his daughter, but he has learned that he needs to let her "grow up" and learn from her mistakes. She has a child now and she will have some eye openers for sure.Mary: I have to add here. NEVER will I ever buy my child a car. If they want a car, they can get a job and pay for it and the responsibilities that go along with it. No help or handouts from me. This is the real world. No one else pays for our cars or houses, insurance, food etc. Get used to it
Chris: Psst Mary... send that cute little Caleb my way and I will buy him a car! LOL! I just love him! Well maybe not a car, but a horse anyway.
Mary: NO way, can you imagine him in a car? I have told him for years that when he gets old enough, and gets a job and saves the money, I will allow him to BUY my old truck from me and he can fix it up and drive it. (He loves that old truck) I am hoping that will keep him busy until he is about 110...
Chris:
See Miss Teen? See how mean Mary is to her children out of love? Her young boy Caleb is one of the most caring and respectful boys to adults I have ever met. And he is gorgeous and will be a lady's man... well he already is with m...e. :)Really young lady.... parents only want the best for their kids. And yes, we all make mistakes. My parents did, their's did (believe me, I know this because my 93/94 year old Grandparents live with me and I hear the stories now!) We all may be sounding harsh to you, but seriously, YOU NEEDED a dose of reality and your disrespect rings loud and clear in your letter
Mary: I might let him have a horse....
Chris: OH, and back to the lest sentence in this letter writer's note!! Daddy is staying out of this one??? Come on parents!!! You are a team no matter what! And I am sure Little Miss Teen is just playing up to Daddy big time. Why does one pa...rent have to be the "enforcer?" My parents never let us see their disagreements about issues with the kids. All parents have them. BUT once a child sees this.... it makes the job as a parent that much tougher.
Janet: What if you loaned Marcia your iPad, then she loaned it to another friend of hers who you like, but don't really hang around with? But...you LIKE Marcia's other friend! Now, you get your iPad back, and tell Marcia she's on suspension from borrowing anything of yours. Should Marcia 'punish' you by snubbing you, and give you the silent treatment?
Chris: By the way, I meant to emphasize that I didn't come into my Step Daughter's life until she was a senior in HS. I saw the discord between her parents. My husband always had to be the "bad guy" because Mom wanted to be the daughter's friend.... She didn't have any more respect for her Mother in the long run. Parents divorced when she was 17 when Mom left and daughter continued to manipulate the differences for as long as she could. Both my husband and I had so much empathy for her and tried "to walk in her shoes" but found out we were very much getting stepped on by her shoes. Some children just need time to learn and move on and grow up. They don't see the hurt everyone feels, it is only "poor me syndrome." The letter writer is surely "hurting" her Mom's feelings by not talking to her, but she is being a Mom... stinks that those kinds of consequences are part of being a good parent.
Chris: funny Janet, we tried similar examples with my step daughter. I hope the letter writer "wakes up."
Janet: The teen years are the 'all about me' years. She'll grow up some day. We all did.
Chris: well some of us adults did Janet... some don't. LOL!
Mary: One of this girls problems IS that the parents are not a united force. My husband and I don't always agree (I am stricter than he is) But NEVER do my kids see or hear that!!
Chris: I am going to give this young lady another example. Last night friends of mine visited~the man is a police officer here in KY. His good friend is grieving for the loss of their 23 yr old son (that still lived at home). Dad told him he ha...d to sell his motorcycle because he caught his son doing wheelies down the road and he had a reputation for speeding... the son agreed and apologized to Dad for not being responsible as a motorcyclist. The son sold it and took it for one last spin and the boy (man, adult... whatever, this man's son) not only took it out for one last spin, but was speeding (against Dad's rules) and took out a mailbox in a curve and it was his "last ride" in or on anything. (I must say I AM NOT AGAINST MOTORCYCLES!!! I have been riding for years~but laws, parent's rules and safety are there for a reason!!! Riders like that, make the safe ones look bad.) I shed some tears for the parents and said prayers for them last night.Young lady~your parents have rules especially when you start driving for reasons. Accidents sadly are a part of life, but when you are irresponsible and don't follow your parents rules, things can and will most likely go wrong. You may not understand the reason for a rule yet, give it time, you will. Hopefully you will learn without a lot of bad judgement and mistakes of your own... learn from other's mistakes!
Lisa: I agree with everything said here... but I also want to say that your mom is responsible for whatever happens to any person in that vehicle. IF that girl had gotten into an accident her parents could sue your mom then your family could lose... everything. how would you feel about that??? she trust you with her car, probably because she feels like you are responsible and trustworthy but you screwed that up by allowing someone else to drive her car... not responsible. You put yourself and others lives in the hands of your friend and caused your mom to be unknowingly responsible for that girls actions. Ireegardless of how she feels about liking the girl does not mean she trusts her driving. Many states have laws now that teens can only have 1 passenger under the age of 21 in the vehicle and are not allowed to drive after 10 pm. personally I think they should have to have their permit for a few years to get practice with their parents ONLY before even being allowed to get their liscenes!!!!
Lisa: In 2008, drivers 16 - 24 years of age constituted 14 percent of all drivers yet were involved in 36.3 percent of all crashes and 31.6 percent of fatal crashes.... also I WOULD BE FURIOUS if my kids' friend allowed them to drive without a parents permission. so how does marcia's mom feel about this??
CB: You people spent an inordinate amount of time dealing with this question, given that it is from a 16-year-old who, by definition, is immature and self-absorbed, and, therefore, is only writing to an advice column in the hope that someone wi...ll agree with her and she can wave it under her mother's nose as "proof" she's being too harsh. The correct answer is, "You're not only too young to drive, you're obviously too young to be trusted, too, and if I had my way the parents of all your spoiled friends would be in jail for endangering the public by turning them into mechanized death machines. Anything else you want advice about???"
DearBubbie: I loved what EVERYONE had to say, but I'm 50! If I were a kid, I'd have lost interest after the first sentence of each comment. Starting a sentence in a scolding way probably isn't the best way to get one's point across to a teen. I just hope she says to her Mom that she 'gets it" now and understands and will take her due punishment. (But that's only if she really DOES get it.)
Gordon: This is the first slam dunk I can remember ever in Dear Bubbie, loaning a parents car is tantamount to loaning a loaded gun, and furthermore don't ever give a female minor a $1000 car these days unless its a meticulously maintained vehicle formerly owned by a relative or close family friend, and always get your daughter AAA plus no matter what it costs..
14 hours ago · LikeUnlike
Cb: My point is that the kid doesn't WANT advice. So don't waste another second of your life trying to figure out the right way or wrong way to "get through" to young people. This is not a case that's worth the energy.
Chris: I hope she did learn some things from this and will take it "like an adult" and not like a whipping. A smart teen is few and far between but there are some out there.
While it had always been my intention that ANYONE is free to skip over LONG posts, I was told it was like slowing down a chapter in a book. It's a turn-off. That DearBubbie needed to control HER wall. If people like to go on and on - let them do it on their OWN wall.
Because I don't like to rock the boat, I went to MY DearBubbie - my mother. She was appalled and just said that she saw it as inconsiderate to other people on the wall. She felt it discouraged others from reading all the rest of the posts - and to give others a chance to give their heartfelt opinions.
When I heard the word inconsiderate and from another Bubbie, the word "hijacking a thread", I knew I had to speak up.
The thing is - we've all been there, done that. When we're passionate about a subject - we tend to ramble. Guess what? When we ramble, we actually LOSE our audience, our voice - than if we keep it crisp and concise.
So, I stated on the DearBubbie Facebook Page that we have to make LONG posts, the exception, not the rule. We've already had one Bubbie threaten to leave the wall. I hate the arrogance of what I NEED to say next, but: MY WALL, MY RULES. For everyone's sake and for the consideration of others - we need to edit ourselves better (myself definitely included) to be a louder voice and encourage ALL voices.
After looking a the below thread - do you agree or disagree?
"I am going to be 17 on August 20th and have been saving to buy my own car. Most of my friend's parents bought them cars when they turned 16. They say once I save $1,000.00 - they'll buy me a used car and I'll be in charge of insurance, gas and upkeep. . "In the meantime, I've been using Mom's car, but now I've been banned from using it because I've been letting my friend Marcia drive it. This is "until further notice". Is this fair? They like Marcia! Mom just doesn't like to share and n...ow I walk everywhere or a friend picks me up. I have barely talked to Mom as punishment for close to two weeks. She won't listen to me! And she is insured for other drivers. Why is she making such a big deal over this? Daddy says he's staying out of this one."
Kelly: Yes this is fair. It is Mom's car. When you have your own car and are taking care of it yourself, including the insurance, then you can allow anyone you want to drive your car. Mom likely knows that teens aren't the most experienced drivers and would like to protect the investment she has made.
Liz: When someone lets you use something of theirs, you do not loan it other people without their permission. I'm tempted to ignore the feeling you seem to have (although I might be wrong) that you deserve to be given a car because you born. Sorry, but I'm not going to. Just because your friends parents gave their kids cars does not mean that your parents have to, or should.
Vicki: Mom's car is mom's car. When you are paying for insurance on your car that you bought with your hard earned money you can decide if you want to let your friend Marcia drive your car. You want your mom to respect your things; than respect her things. And girlfriend set yourself some boundries and tell your girlfriend to get her own stuff.
DearBubbie: Pretend that it was your cellphone and you were giving it to Mom - even though you wanted to use it. And then she gives it to one of her friends to use. However, a cellphone can't kill someone. She's liable if something happened to Marcia. Life changing for her because you didn't think everything through. There's more - but I'll leave this forum for the others (for now).
Lisa: Sorry - no sympathy from me either. You are still a minor you still live under their roof and as much as you think you know- your Mom knows more. You should not have let your friend drive your MOM"S car. She was doing you a favor by lett...ing you drive it in the first place. You need to learn to respect your parents rules. They are there for a reason. Suck it up and show your parents you are maturing and handle your business and deal with the consequences of your actions like the adult you want to be treated as.Mary: One thing I learned about Mom's a long time ago is that you have to do SPECIFICALLY what they ask. I am sure that Mom set down rules for her car and what she expected from you. You screwed up. Best thing you could do right now is grovel at ...her feet and apologize over and over. If you want to be treated as an adult, act like one. I have bad news for you babe, "punishing" Mom by not talking to her is acting like a spoiled brat. In Mom's eyes, you are just showing her how immature you still are.
Mary: And giving her peace and quiet. Thats not a bad thing for most Mom's, trust me.
.
Chris: yes, what Mary said! My husband and i were making my Step Daughter's car payment from the time she was 18-20. She has always been a bit disrespectful to her Dad and when she got married in her early 20's the disrespect grew. Her Dad trie...d calling her about some important things and for 6 months this young lady did not bother to call her Father back. He said, "just wait, I will skip a car payment and when she gets the letter from the bank she will call." (The loan is in her name/we cosigned for her.) Not only did she call, BUT proceeded to chastise, swear at and berate her Father for not making her payment and not bothering to tell her! Getting the picture here yet, Miss 17 yr old? So , a simple call she could have made telling Dad she was sorry for being so disrespectful of someone that was paying for her car, just got done paying for some extra schooling, and a list of other things.... turned into a bigger headache for her. Dad STOPPED the car payment and told her she and her husband could be responsible adults and pay themselves. More swearing and name calling by her....hmmmm, so mature. He even sent her a text saying all she needed to do was return her Dad's calls once in awhile and show a little respect. She threatened to ruin his credit. Well,that would have been even more silly on her part because the bank would take away her car (all over a $100 payment per month on a nice SUV.)So Miss 17 year old, "don't bite the hand that feeds you." Learn some maturity and APOLOGIZE to your Mom who was doing you not only a favor, but treating you like an adult when she allowed YOU to borrow her car. YOU broke her trust and made the mistake. NOT your MOM! I am not for one minute saying that Mom's and Dad's are perfect~all parent's make mistakes, BUT show her that you can be mature and LEARN from your mistakes. And even if your parent's make a "blunder" here and there, they are still your parents and deserve some care and respect for all the hard years of raising a child. YOU will understand exactly how they feel one day when you have your own child and you realize how much your parents LOVE you and want nothing but great things for their daughter. The last thing they want is to get a call from the police or hospital saying their daughter was in an accident and a friend was driving the car. It is hard enough for a parent to give the keys to an automobile to their child~they worry for your safety every time you turn the key.My Dad owned an auto body business and saw many cars with the blood of teenagers. When i got the chance to drive any car at your age, there was a LIST of rules. I always respected them. You are sounding like a whiny, spoiled brat in your letter, even though you think you saved $1000. Big deal. Cars cost way more than that and your insurance will cost you more than that in a year along with the gas you put in it. You don't have the first clue. I do congratulate you on saving that money. But it does not ENTITLE you to anything. $1000 right now in the difficult economy that we all live in means food on some families tables and a roof over their head for just a month. Learn some priorities quickly while you still have the chance to live in a safe house with parents that support and care for you.If you were my child, a bicycle is what you would be riding for awhile if you were treating me like you are treating your Mom. Your friends that get cars given to them... well I hope they show their parent's love and respect for it. I can guess that many of them don't. Welcome to the real world Miss teenager.
January: I agree with all the above. But, people why do we give our kids expensive gifts? We are making them into spoiled, entitled brats! Teach them the value of a dollar, and that you have to work hard for what you want. Cars kill people, teach them to take that seriously. They will become better adults.
Sharon: This will teach you responsibility and teach you that as with anything in life, it means more if you earn it yourself and you will gain the respect of your family and friends. It is the first step of becoming a responsible adult.
Natalie: DITTO DITTO DITTO TO ALL THE ABOVE. I dont know how you expected to hear anything but this. And this too shall pass.
Chris: I agree, January. I told my husband his biggest fault as a parent in my humble opinion was spoiling the hell out of his only child. He loves his daughter so much and gave her everything he could possibly afford for her. And... the only person his daughter really 'hurts" with her actions is herself. His feelings are hurt often by his daughter, but he has learned that he needs to let her "grow up" and learn from her mistakes. She has a child now and she will have some eye openers for sure.Mary: I have to add here. NEVER will I ever buy my child a car. If they want a car, they can get a job and pay for it and the responsibilities that go along with it. No help or handouts from me. This is the real world. No one else pays for our cars or houses, insurance, food etc. Get used to it
Chris: Psst Mary... send that cute little Caleb my way and I will buy him a car! LOL! I just love him! Well maybe not a car, but a horse anyway.
Mary: NO way, can you imagine him in a car? I have told him for years that when he gets old enough, and gets a job and saves the money, I will allow him to BUY my old truck from me and he can fix it up and drive it. (He loves that old truck) I am hoping that will keep him busy until he is about 110...
Chris:
See Miss Teen? See how mean Mary is to her children out of love? Her young boy Caleb is one of the most caring and respectful boys to adults I have ever met. And he is gorgeous and will be a lady's man... well he already is with m...e. :)Really young lady.... parents only want the best for their kids. And yes, we all make mistakes. My parents did, their's did (believe me, I know this because my 93/94 year old Grandparents live with me and I hear the stories now!) We all may be sounding harsh to you, but seriously, YOU NEEDED a dose of reality and your disrespect rings loud and clear in your letter
Mary: I might let him have a horse....
Chris: OH, and back to the lest sentence in this letter writer's note!! Daddy is staying out of this one??? Come on parents!!! You are a team no matter what! And I am sure Little Miss Teen is just playing up to Daddy big time. Why does one pa...rent have to be the "enforcer?" My parents never let us see their disagreements about issues with the kids. All parents have them. BUT once a child sees this.... it makes the job as a parent that much tougher.
Janet: What if you loaned Marcia your iPad, then she loaned it to another friend of hers who you like, but don't really hang around with? But...you LIKE Marcia's other friend! Now, you get your iPad back, and tell Marcia she's on suspension from borrowing anything of yours. Should Marcia 'punish' you by snubbing you, and give you the silent treatment?
Chris: By the way, I meant to emphasize that I didn't come into my Step Daughter's life until she was a senior in HS. I saw the discord between her parents. My husband always had to be the "bad guy" because Mom wanted to be the daughter's friend.... She didn't have any more respect for her Mother in the long run. Parents divorced when she was 17 when Mom left and daughter continued to manipulate the differences for as long as she could. Both my husband and I had so much empathy for her and tried "to walk in her shoes" but found out we were very much getting stepped on by her shoes. Some children just need time to learn and move on and grow up. They don't see the hurt everyone feels, it is only "poor me syndrome." The letter writer is surely "hurting" her Mom's feelings by not talking to her, but she is being a Mom... stinks that those kinds of consequences are part of being a good parent.
Chris: funny Janet, we tried similar examples with my step daughter. I hope the letter writer "wakes up."
Janet: The teen years are the 'all about me' years. She'll grow up some day. We all did.
Chris: well some of us adults did Janet... some don't. LOL!
Mary: One of this girls problems IS that the parents are not a united force. My husband and I don't always agree (I am stricter than he is) But NEVER do my kids see or hear that!!
Chris: I am going to give this young lady another example. Last night friends of mine visited~the man is a police officer here in KY. His good friend is grieving for the loss of their 23 yr old son (that still lived at home). Dad told him he ha...d to sell his motorcycle because he caught his son doing wheelies down the road and he had a reputation for speeding... the son agreed and apologized to Dad for not being responsible as a motorcyclist. The son sold it and took it for one last spin and the boy (man, adult... whatever, this man's son) not only took it out for one last spin, but was speeding (against Dad's rules) and took out a mailbox in a curve and it was his "last ride" in or on anything. (I must say I AM NOT AGAINST MOTORCYCLES!!! I have been riding for years~but laws, parent's rules and safety are there for a reason!!! Riders like that, make the safe ones look bad.) I shed some tears for the parents and said prayers for them last night.Young lady~your parents have rules especially when you start driving for reasons. Accidents sadly are a part of life, but when you are irresponsible and don't follow your parents rules, things can and will most likely go wrong. You may not understand the reason for a rule yet, give it time, you will. Hopefully you will learn without a lot of bad judgement and mistakes of your own... learn from other's mistakes!
Lisa: I agree with everything said here... but I also want to say that your mom is responsible for whatever happens to any person in that vehicle. IF that girl had gotten into an accident her parents could sue your mom then your family could lose... everything. how would you feel about that??? she trust you with her car, probably because she feels like you are responsible and trustworthy but you screwed that up by allowing someone else to drive her car... not responsible. You put yourself and others lives in the hands of your friend and caused your mom to be unknowingly responsible for that girls actions. Ireegardless of how she feels about liking the girl does not mean she trusts her driving. Many states have laws now that teens can only have 1 passenger under the age of 21 in the vehicle and are not allowed to drive after 10 pm. personally I think they should have to have their permit for a few years to get practice with their parents ONLY before even being allowed to get their liscenes!!!!
Lisa: In 2008, drivers 16 - 24 years of age constituted 14 percent of all drivers yet were involved in 36.3 percent of all crashes and 31.6 percent of fatal crashes.... also I WOULD BE FURIOUS if my kids' friend allowed them to drive without a parents permission. so how does marcia's mom feel about this??
CB: You people spent an inordinate amount of time dealing with this question, given that it is from a 16-year-old who, by definition, is immature and self-absorbed, and, therefore, is only writing to an advice column in the hope that someone wi...ll agree with her and she can wave it under her mother's nose as "proof" she's being too harsh. The correct answer is, "You're not only too young to drive, you're obviously too young to be trusted, too, and if I had my way the parents of all your spoiled friends would be in jail for endangering the public by turning them into mechanized death machines. Anything else you want advice about???"
DearBubbie: I loved what EVERYONE had to say, but I'm 50! If I were a kid, I'd have lost interest after the first sentence of each comment. Starting a sentence in a scolding way probably isn't the best way to get one's point across to a teen. I just hope she says to her Mom that she 'gets it" now and understands and will take her due punishment. (But that's only if she really DOES get it.)
Gordon: This is the first slam dunk I can remember ever in Dear Bubbie, loaning a parents car is tantamount to loaning a loaded gun, and furthermore don't ever give a female minor a $1000 car these days unless its a meticulously maintained vehicle formerly owned by a relative or close family friend, and always get your daughter AAA plus no matter what it costs..
14 hours ago · LikeUnlike
Cb: My point is that the kid doesn't WANT advice. So don't waste another second of your life trying to figure out the right way or wrong way to "get through" to young people. This is not a case that's worth the energy.
Chris: I hope she did learn some things from this and will take it "like an adult" and not like a whipping. A smart teen is few and far between but there are some out there.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
DearBubbie on Facebook
Hopefully, we can try to do a better job of updating this page. But otherwise, all our DearBubbie fodder can be found on Facebook. Which is ONE WORD - DearBubbie. If you have a problem you'd like the Bubbies to put their minds on (and thus VAST opinions on how to help), you can write to: DearBubbie@yahoo.com
Saturday, February 19, 2011
National Sunsets Across America Photo Contest
DearBubbie has had a full plate this past year (and she's been licking it clean, literally and metaphorically). Therefore, this blog has taken a back seat to a full-time job as a business owner, part-time job as DearBubbie, and other incidentals - like being a tennis player, wife and mother to pets.
You can find DearBubbie and all the Bubs and Bubbies at DearBubbie (that's ONE word) on Facebook. We hope you'll like enough to click "LIKE". We've been described as the Social Network's Answer to Ann Landers - and hope you can stop by. Soon, we will be updating this blog with 'reprints' from that page.
However, in the meantime, we're working on: "Sunsets Across America (and beyond...) Photo Contest/Exhibit" to be held in Sarasota, Florida on April 2 (rain date is April 9). We are hoping to get a susnset photograph from every state in the U.S. (Makes sense right?)
Everyone can participate - we'll be having separate categories for amateurs and professionals. And there is an Submission fee - but it's LOW compared to other shows. It's $20.00 to enter one photo. After that, $15.00. In most shows, they're considered 'juried exhibits'. That means, you enter, but your piece might NOT be accepted for viewing by the public. NOT SO in this case. Everybody's work will have a chance to be seen.
We have specials for people who post info on this contest on their blogs or websites or facebook pages. Just write to us at: Bubalexy@comcast.net for more info. We are trying our BEST to get this all on our website TODAY. Below is our press release for our event. . .we hope to hear from you. And on Facebook, look for JULIE LONDON PICTURE FRAMING and 'click like' for forthcoming details.
For Immediate Release
February 16, 2011
Contact: Julie London
(941) 921-5096
Sunsets Across America and Beyond
Photo Contest/Exhibit
Julie London Picture Framing, located in Sarasota, FL, is accepting all submissions now through March 25 for their "Sunsets Across America (and beyond)" Photo Contest/Exhibit. Cash prizes, a cruise and gift certificates will be awarded in different categories for professionals and amateurs. Organizers hope to have at least one photo from every state in the U.S.
All entries will be displayed and put up for sale for either the participant or participant's charity. The exhibit takes place at the frame shop in Sarasota, Florida on April 2, 2011 (rain date, April 11). Over 1,000 entries are expected to compete. Judges include former Ringling School of Art faculty member, Bill Buchman.
Entry rules will be posted beginning February 19 at the www.julielondonpictureframing.com website or can be obtained by e-mailing: bubalexy@comcast.net. For further information, call 941-921-5096.
You can find DearBubbie and all the Bubs and Bubbies at DearBubbie (that's ONE word) on Facebook. We hope you'll like enough to click "LIKE". We've been described as the Social Network's Answer to Ann Landers - and hope you can stop by. Soon, we will be updating this blog with 'reprints' from that page.
However, in the meantime, we're working on: "Sunsets Across America (and beyond...) Photo Contest/Exhibit" to be held in Sarasota, Florida on April 2 (rain date is April 9). We are hoping to get a susnset photograph from every state in the U.S. (Makes sense right?)
Everyone can participate - we'll be having separate categories for amateurs and professionals. And there is an Submission fee - but it's LOW compared to other shows. It's $20.00 to enter one photo. After that, $15.00. In most shows, they're considered 'juried exhibits'. That means, you enter, but your piece might NOT be accepted for viewing by the public. NOT SO in this case. Everybody's work will have a chance to be seen.
We have specials for people who post info on this contest on their blogs or websites or facebook pages. Just write to us at: Bubalexy@comcast.net for more info. We are trying our BEST to get this all on our website TODAY. Below is our press release for our event. . .we hope to hear from you. And on Facebook, look for JULIE LONDON PICTURE FRAMING and 'click like' for forthcoming details.
For Immediate Release
February 16, 2011
Contact: Julie London
(941) 921-5096
Sunsets Across America and Beyond
Photo Contest/Exhibit
Julie London Picture Framing, located in Sarasota, FL, is accepting all submissions now through March 25 for their "Sunsets Across America (and beyond)" Photo Contest/Exhibit. Cash prizes, a cruise and gift certificates will be awarded in different categories for professionals and amateurs. Organizers hope to have at least one photo from every state in the U.S.
All entries will be displayed and put up for sale for either the participant or participant's charity. The exhibit takes place at the frame shop in Sarasota, Florida on April 2, 2011 (rain date, April 11). Over 1,000 entries are expected to compete. Judges include former Ringling School of Art faculty member, Bill Buchman.
Entry rules will be posted beginning February 19 at the www.julielondonpictureframing.com website or can be obtained by e-mailing: bubalexy@comcast.net. For further information, call 941-921-5096.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Part FIVE - The Happy Ending
Oh, Dear Bubbie –
Well, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you and all the other Bubbies for your words of encouragement and support. You really helped me through this and for that I am truly appreciative.
It turns out that the threats were more psychological games, because when it came down to it, he did NOT insist on ½ of everything. His main concern was child support, which I will not be asking for because a) I won’t get it anyway if he isn’t working (the mediator said that, given his recent history and his appearance and his unpreparedness for the meeting, she doubted he’d be holding a job any time soon), and b) I can make a request at a later date and pursue child support if I find out he has become employed and is making a decent wage (both my attorney and the mediator told me that I can pursue it later even if the agreement now says “no child support”).
In addition to his fears about child support (and I think that was his main concern), he also managed to accrue over $60000 in debt totally unbeknownst to me. Yep. In addition to the $20,000 that I have to eat (I’ll have pay it when the house sells and lose most of my profit), he also incurred a bunch more debt that I never knew about. No wonder the man has an ulcer that won’t heal!!!
He had borrowed multiple times against an old life insurance policy he has and owes $18,000 for his loans; he was overpaid disability wages AFTER he recuperated and began working before we got married and during our first two or so years together (he always told me this was just a couple thousand, and he would never tell me the entire amount because he knew I’d be “upset”) and now owes the government over $20,000; he took out a student loan for his oldest son from his first marriage, never made payments on it and now owes $8000; he hid some medical bills that he thought we were covered by insurance but were not, so rather than tell me about it, he hid them, and that’s another $3,000; he owes back child support to his ex to the tune of $4,200 he owes $4,000 for some computer equipment he bought before he and I were married; and various other smaller debts.
This all came to light after I had presented what I thought were all of our household debts and assets, and the mediator asked him if he knew of any more debts. He said yes, and he proceeded to go through his files and find each of these. My jaw hit the floor with each announcement. I just kept saying, “I never knew.” I have NO idea what the hell he did with the money, because I was paying all the household expenses. I’m clueless.
Last night, he kept trying to justify it by saying he “had to borrow money to try to pay off some medical expenses” because he knew we were hurting for money due to his lack of a decent income, and that he had to help his son when he kept begging him to take a student loan for him. He kept insisting it was “perfectly okay” to conduct himself this way because he “was never going to let this affect” me. He was going to see to it that I was never liable for any of it. Um, IT’S CONSIDERED MARITAL DEBT, YOU ASS! He just kept insisting that I would never have been on the hook for any of it (bullshit) so I didn’t need to be aware of it.
He tried telling the mediator that he really wanted to take my son with him to CA, but that he wouldn’t do that because I’m a good mother. Like my son would ever go with him, and like he could ever take care of him when he can’t even care for himself. The last couple times he was supposed to watch him, he didn’t even feed him lunch, and I found my son swimming unsupervised one day while the idiot was supposed to be watching him. He will always deny that my son has issues with him and that he has told various teachers that he doesn’t like his dad much and doesn’t feel “safe” with him. He is in such total denial about everything in his life.
So, because he picked that arbitrary date of 12/11,I told him I was going to have him removed, he now has to stick with it. He has to pack up his shit, ship it, and get out. I had to pay him $4,000 so he can ship his belongings and cover other expenses, and I buy him a ticket as I originally offered (with a limit on it of $200), and he goes. The day cost me close to $30,000 all in all, but it’s worth it to be rid of the insanity. AND, if I find out he’s working later on, I can try to collect child support, so his big ace in the hole may not turn out to be such a big win after all.
I ran to the bank yesterday afternoon and cashed in an IRA, got cashier’s checks to pay the lawyer to handle the filing (I don’t have the time, and she’ll get it on the docket immediately), and I paid him his lousy $4,000 last night and had him sign a receipt for it. The lawyer says she may have this done by Christmas. Merry Christmas to me!
I am relieved. I spoke with a good friend of mine this morning, and he said I sound lighter already and the life and happiness is returning to my voice. This person has known me since 7th grade, so he has been there (although long distance) every step of the way. He has watched him go from a “normal,” functioning human being to a psychotic, delusional mess, and he’s been a real sanity check for me at times. Only a handful of people knew what was really going on, as his old friends and family up north were totally convinced by him that I was cheating and doing all sorts of things I couldn’t possibly have been doing, but they all believed him and he always sounded “fine” when they spoke with him. This whole experience was like being trapped inside a big soundproof bubble and screaming at the top of your lungs, but nobody could hear.
On to the next chapter, huh? The only thing he did for me on a daily basis was sit home all day and let my dogs out, so that’s my only real concern now -- how to get the dogs let out without having to run home at lunchtime every day. Tells you how much of a contribution he made in the scheme of the household operations.
I can NOT believe all that has transpired this week. Thank goodness that mediator was able to get him to agree on everything. My only loss is the child support. I’ve got my son (with visits allowed ONLY in our city of residence and at a site chosen by me, and he can NOT drive with him in his car, and I made added a special clause that my son is not allowed to fly to visit his father anywhere until he’s 18, so he MUST come here), and I’ll have peace in my house again. Come on, December 9th! Can’t come fast enough for me!
Thank you, thank, you, thank you!
DearBubbie follow-up to letter writer
Jody, I am in tears.
While he's a classic case of an abuser, YOU are one unusual woman. You have exhibited such FOCUS and CLARITY. I am speechless at what you achieved.
I can't wait to reprint all of this. You know what, Jody? If you can get through what you got through yesterday - you really CAN do anything. If you said, I want to be a millionaire - with ALL MY HEART, I believe you could be. Jody, you don't just talk the talk - you WALK THE WALK.
Do you realize what you accomplished? Do you have any idea? You TOOK back your life. You got your life back and saved your son. I don't think you realize the magnitude of your achievement. This is better than graduating from college. THIS is one hell of a story. . .and I can't WAIT for the next wonderful chapter.
Kudos to the att'y. . she facilitated this. Shocking. Well done. Cost you $30grand? That's ONE year of college. You got your life back, Jody. Tread lightly around the house. December 11 IS right around the corner. Be cool. Don't show your cards. LOVE yourself, your Mom, your son and your renewed life.
Congratulations, Jody. I'm in disbelief. You're my inspiration. And you'll be one for others, too.
Well, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you and all the other Bubbies for your words of encouragement and support. You really helped me through this and for that I am truly appreciative.
It turns out that the threats were more psychological games, because when it came down to it, he did NOT insist on ½ of everything. His main concern was child support, which I will not be asking for because a) I won’t get it anyway if he isn’t working (the mediator said that, given his recent history and his appearance and his unpreparedness for the meeting, she doubted he’d be holding a job any time soon), and b) I can make a request at a later date and pursue child support if I find out he has become employed and is making a decent wage (both my attorney and the mediator told me that I can pursue it later even if the agreement now says “no child support”).
In addition to his fears about child support (and I think that was his main concern), he also managed to accrue over $60000 in debt totally unbeknownst to me. Yep. In addition to the $20,000 that I have to eat (I’ll have pay it when the house sells and lose most of my profit), he also incurred a bunch more debt that I never knew about. No wonder the man has an ulcer that won’t heal!!!
He had borrowed multiple times against an old life insurance policy he has and owes $18,000 for his loans; he was overpaid disability wages AFTER he recuperated and began working before we got married and during our first two or so years together (he always told me this was just a couple thousand, and he would never tell me the entire amount because he knew I’d be “upset”) and now owes the government over $20,000; he took out a student loan for his oldest son from his first marriage, never made payments on it and now owes $8000; he hid some medical bills that he thought we were covered by insurance but were not, so rather than tell me about it, he hid them, and that’s another $3,000; he owes back child support to his ex to the tune of $4,200 he owes $4,000 for some computer equipment he bought before he and I were married; and various other smaller debts.
This all came to light after I had presented what I thought were all of our household debts and assets, and the mediator asked him if he knew of any more debts. He said yes, and he proceeded to go through his files and find each of these. My jaw hit the floor with each announcement. I just kept saying, “I never knew.” I have NO idea what the hell he did with the money, because I was paying all the household expenses. I’m clueless.
Last night, he kept trying to justify it by saying he “had to borrow money to try to pay off some medical expenses” because he knew we were hurting for money due to his lack of a decent income, and that he had to help his son when he kept begging him to take a student loan for him. He kept insisting it was “perfectly okay” to conduct himself this way because he “was never going to let this affect” me. He was going to see to it that I was never liable for any of it. Um, IT’S CONSIDERED MARITAL DEBT, YOU ASS! He just kept insisting that I would never have been on the hook for any of it (bullshit) so I didn’t need to be aware of it.
He tried telling the mediator that he really wanted to take my son with him to CA, but that he wouldn’t do that because I’m a good mother. Like my son would ever go with him, and like he could ever take care of him when he can’t even care for himself. The last couple times he was supposed to watch him, he didn’t even feed him lunch, and I found my son swimming unsupervised one day while the idiot was supposed to be watching him. He will always deny that my son has issues with him and that he has told various teachers that he doesn’t like his dad much and doesn’t feel “safe” with him. He is in such total denial about everything in his life.
So, because he picked that arbitrary date of 12/11,I told him I was going to have him removed, he now has to stick with it. He has to pack up his shit, ship it, and get out. I had to pay him $4,000 so he can ship his belongings and cover other expenses, and I buy him a ticket as I originally offered (with a limit on it of $200), and he goes. The day cost me close to $30,000 all in all, but it’s worth it to be rid of the insanity. AND, if I find out he’s working later on, I can try to collect child support, so his big ace in the hole may not turn out to be such a big win after all.
I ran to the bank yesterday afternoon and cashed in an IRA, got cashier’s checks to pay the lawyer to handle the filing (I don’t have the time, and she’ll get it on the docket immediately), and I paid him his lousy $4,000 last night and had him sign a receipt for it. The lawyer says she may have this done by Christmas. Merry Christmas to me!
I am relieved. I spoke with a good friend of mine this morning, and he said I sound lighter already and the life and happiness is returning to my voice. This person has known me since 7th grade, so he has been there (although long distance) every step of the way. He has watched him go from a “normal,” functioning human being to a psychotic, delusional mess, and he’s been a real sanity check for me at times. Only a handful of people knew what was really going on, as his old friends and family up north were totally convinced by him that I was cheating and doing all sorts of things I couldn’t possibly have been doing, but they all believed him and he always sounded “fine” when they spoke with him. This whole experience was like being trapped inside a big soundproof bubble and screaming at the top of your lungs, but nobody could hear.
On to the next chapter, huh? The only thing he did for me on a daily basis was sit home all day and let my dogs out, so that’s my only real concern now -- how to get the dogs let out without having to run home at lunchtime every day. Tells you how much of a contribution he made in the scheme of the household operations.
I can NOT believe all that has transpired this week. Thank goodness that mediator was able to get him to agree on everything. My only loss is the child support. I’ve got my son (with visits allowed ONLY in our city of residence and at a site chosen by me, and he can NOT drive with him in his car, and I made added a special clause that my son is not allowed to fly to visit his father anywhere until he’s 18, so he MUST come here), and I’ll have peace in my house again. Come on, December 9th! Can’t come fast enough for me!
Thank you, thank, you, thank you!
DearBubbie follow-up to letter writer
Jody, I am in tears.
While he's a classic case of an abuser, YOU are one unusual woman. You have exhibited such FOCUS and CLARITY. I am speechless at what you achieved.
I can't wait to reprint all of this. You know what, Jody? If you can get through what you got through yesterday - you really CAN do anything. If you said, I want to be a millionaire - with ALL MY HEART, I believe you could be. Jody, you don't just talk the talk - you WALK THE WALK.
Do you realize what you accomplished? Do you have any idea? You TOOK back your life. You got your life back and saved your son. I don't think you realize the magnitude of your achievement. This is better than graduating from college. THIS is one hell of a story. . .and I can't WAIT for the next wonderful chapter.
Kudos to the att'y. . she facilitated this. Shocking. Well done. Cost you $30grand? That's ONE year of college. You got your life back, Jody. Tread lightly around the house. December 11 IS right around the corner. Be cool. Don't show your cards. LOVE yourself, your Mom, your son and your renewed life.
Congratulations, Jody. I'm in disbelief. You're my inspiration. And you'll be one for others, too.
Part Four: She Dreads Going Home Every Day
First, I’m calling the lawyer I met with before to set up an appointment for tomorrow. My mother actually got so uncontrollably upset by the events this weekend that SHE put in a call to the lawyer on her cell, which is for “emergencies only.” The att'y told her she wants to get moving in light of the events of late regarding the girlfriend, so she wants me to fill out some planning forms today and see her tomorrow. I will give her this chance to change my mind about her being in “my court.” As I said, she’s tough, but I just didn’t get the impression last time that she would do anything to protect me and fight for me, and that she was going to just play by the book and watch me hand over a portion of everything I own when the lousy S.O.B. doesn’t deserve a penny.
I don’t mind at all if you post my stuff for the other Bubbies. I have always loved reading some of the great advice they give, which is why I decided to solicit your opinion on all this. I know you remove specifics and protect my identity, so go for it!
I am fortunate that my DH has his next victim lined up, because he is willing to go to her, however, his sister has given him the advice that he should wait until we have a meeting with a mediator to discuss child custody arrangements and other issues, so he said he can’t go until that happens. I told him that may be quite a ways down the line, but that is what he is saying now.
On the other hand, he and his “friend” have chosen December 11 as the day he can fly to be with her. No, I do not know the significance of the 9th, but they picked a day. So, I asked him, “if you’ve picked a date, does that mean I’m supposed to buy you a one-way ticket out of here?” He said yes. I told him that I’m not making any such purchase if he is going to insist that he first attend a meeting with the mediator, and I certainly cannot guarantee that a meeting will happen prior to Dec. 11. So, the good news is he’s willing to go, and he will be FAR away, but the bad news is that he has been advised not to go until after that meeting.
He said he knows he won’t be able to afford to return for quite some time once he gets out there, so he wants to have the meeting while he can and let me handle the court appearances for the divorce myself. I’ll see what the lawyer says about all this. I have my own list of what I’m willing to do, and I’m not eating the debt I’ve had to incur as a result of HIM not contributing unless he’s willing to make a major concession on his part, and I’m sure you can guess what that is.
It was quite a weekend with him and his ongoing head games. He does little things to annoy, like turning the TV back on every time I turn it off (because NOBODY is in the room and nobody is watching it). He turns it on, then goes and sits on the lanai. I turn it off. He walks back in and turns it on, then walks back out and sits on the lanai. He is such a child. I have the house on the market, so I’m always trying to keep the clutter picked up. He has a slew of stomach medicines because of the ulcer, like Tums, Brioschi, and some prescription antacids. I cleared all of this off the vanity and off the top of the medicine cabinet months ago to keep the bathroom looking neat. This weekend, he went back to his old habit of storing all these bottles across the top of the medicine cabinet. I saw them on Saturday and took them down. The next time he used the bathroom, he put them back up. I took them down and asked him to leave them down because it looked so sloppy. He put them back up.
This went on all weekend. I asked him again this morning to PLEASE Keep them down so the bathroom looks neater. He always has to get defensive and accuse me of something when I ask him to do something, so his response was, “why? You have a few bottles on your dresser, so what’s the difference?” I said, “having a couple of decorative lotion or spray bottles on the dresser doesn’t look sloppy because they’re attractive. Bottles of Brioschi and prescriptions stomach meds are NOT decorative and having them lined up all across the medicine cabinet is NOT attractive. It’s messy and the clultter does not look good when the house is shown.“ This is just another example of how he likes to annoy and push buttons. Like a child seeking negative attention because it’s better than none.
I started having computer problems this weekend, and I can’t prove it’s him, but I’d bet money on it. He was probably trying to make sure I couldn’t do my online banking because he didn’t want me to see the money he spent last week. He spent about $250 last week on sandwiches and other food items (even though we have a house full of food), cigarettes ($50 a carton and I’ve been asking him to quit for years for health reasons and financial ones), some stuff at Walmart, and he bought himself a computer web cam. Yep, bought a web cam when I’m struggling to pay the bills. I asked him how he can possibly justify these purchases when I’m not even able to make ends meet, and he got into some strange twisting conversation about his stomach and the phone and how he didn’t talk to “her” yesterday. Never answers the question at hand. He’s spent $500 the past month on “stuff.” You can bet I have copies of the transaction list to take to the lawyer, too. Talking to him is a real mind-blower sometimes. When he‘s guilty of something, he’ll get off on any other tangent he can think of to try and derail the conversation. I just started laughing it was so ridiculous. There is NO talking logic with him whatsoever.
As to your concern about the therapy, my son doesn’t mind at all so far. He is just warming up to her and has only started to open up about his feelings, and so far he has just cracked that door open ever so slightly. I also got him started there so she can work with his mild ADD issues, so she’s content focusing on the ADD until he feels like talking more. He did draw a hell of a picture, however, where he had me, him and our pets at one end of two sheets of paper that HE stapled together, and he drew his father way down at the other end away from everyone else. Of course he stuck a big ol’ cigarette in his dad’s mouth ‘cause he’s always out on the lanai smoking while we’re inside doing “real” stuff like homework, playing games or watching movies. It was quite a telling picture. The psychotherapist who was in the room at the time just said, “Wow.”
Well, wish me luck tomorrow, and I will heed your warning about not doing too much at once. I’ve got a ton of stuff to deal with even if I can get him out and get some peace of mind. That would be the first step, and I’ll take it a step at a time after that.
Thanks again, and I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Ugh. I dread going home today. There’s nothing worse than hating to go to your own home every day.
Hugs to you for all your support.
HER NEXT LETTER: UGH SHE DREADS THIS MEETING
Hi, my dearest Bubbie –
Ugh. Meeting with lawyer was NOT pretty, and I still don’t like her, but we’re going to try the mediator route rather than a court battle, since a full court battle with Ms. Attorney representing me could run $20k - $30k, so I won’t have to deal with her other than filing the appropriate paperwork at various times. On the other hand, she assured me that she can have this whole mess resolved by the end of the year or shortly thereafter if my DH will agree on all terms set forth in the mediation.
She basically told me I’m screwed and there’s nothing she can do to prevent him from getting his hands on MY money even though he left me high and dry financially for 9 years and has been contributing nothing but a measly unemployment check for over a year. Apparently it doesn’t matter that he’s put me deep in debt, used up my savings cushion, spent his 401k money on CIGARETTES and other non-necessities and has failed to conduct himself like a responsible adult, either financially or emotionally. None of that matters in the eyes of the court. That sucks!
I get screwed for being the responsible one and for making sure my son had a good quality of life despite his father’s antics, and there’s nothing anyone can or will do to protect ME. But, the freeloading bum gets a nice-size check and can negoatiate to make me pay his way to his girlfriend’s house, and he basically gets to call the shots when it comes to custody issues, otherwise a judge could give him even more if I let this go to court.
Good news is he DOES have his next meal ticket lined up and he’s willing to go, so I have to move while he’s amenable. I had to laugh at this, however: When I told him I’d reached the breaking point with him calling his girlfriend right in front of my face while I correct homework with our son, he agreed to speak with “her” about a time when he could move.
I emailed him yesterday with the information for our date with the mediator, which is TOMORROW, Thursday, and his response was, “why are YOU in such a hurry to take this step? Why are you doing it so soon? What’s the rush?” Um, well, there’s the fact that you said you’d like me to buy your airline ticket for 12/11, and then there’s the fact that I REFUSE to continue to live with your psychological games and watch you call your girlfriend on the phone while I’m looking right at you and your son is 15 feet away… Pick a reason, ass.
I told him this morning that what he really needs to do is load all his crap in his car, drive it to his dad’s for storage, and fly from there. He said he planned on ME shipping his stuff. I said absolutely not, I can’t afford such a shipping cost and I’m already paying his airline ticket out of here. I told him maybe his girlfriend could chip in and have the stuff sent, and he said, “no, she’s broke.” LOL. I had to remind him that he has ruined me finanaiclly over these 9 years, but he still refuses to acknowledge that. He just wants to go denying what he’s done and believe that somehow I’ll come up with whatever money he needs. The nerve of him! Then he asked if I couldn’t just “hold onto his stuff” for the time being, and I laughed at that. I’m going to be downsizing to a rental (first rental in 20 years, thank you very much), and there’s NO way I’m keeping his shit! If he doesn’t take it, it’s garbage.
So, on to the mediator tomorrow. He has acknowledged that he has no clue when he’ll be able to fly back here, so putting together a parenting plan will just have to remain open-ended. We’ll come up with some way to word it tomorrow.
On the financial affidavit, he’s trying to claim all sorts of household expenses on his sheet when it’s my salary that pays for everything! He’s just amazing. I have to get him to give on the division of assets, because the profit from selling the house will be miniscule and I have to use that to pay off debts, so he really doesn’t deserve anything. I have to make him see that we should calculate what he thinks he’s getting, MINUS the debts since he brought them on us, and he should only get the result of that calculation. Yeah, right. I can dream, can’t I?
Wish me luck tomorrow. I have to hammer this out and get him on his way. This is going to be rough handling this house and all the responsibilities alone, but the only thing he did during the course of everyday life is let the dogs out since he was home anyway, and feed them in the late afternoon. I know It won’t be much different, and it will get easier when I sell the house and move to something that’s less maintenance.
He said this morning, “I can’t believe you’re doing this. It NEVER should have come to this.” My response was, “you’ve had 7 out of 9 years of me begging you to be responsible and correct your behavior, to support this family financially and emotionally, and you’ve refused to see how serious your neglect was. And I absolutely refuse to continue living under these bizarre, sick circumstances with you wooing your girlfriend right before my eyes. What did you think would happen?”
Ugh, I dread tomorrow. I warned the mediator that he is delusional and will not listen to reason, so she said she is willing to put us in separate rooms in order to get agreement on things. Wish me luck.
I don’t mind at all if you post my stuff for the other Bubbies. I have always loved reading some of the great advice they give, which is why I decided to solicit your opinion on all this. I know you remove specifics and protect my identity, so go for it!
I am fortunate that my DH has his next victim lined up, because he is willing to go to her, however, his sister has given him the advice that he should wait until we have a meeting with a mediator to discuss child custody arrangements and other issues, so he said he can’t go until that happens. I told him that may be quite a ways down the line, but that is what he is saying now.
On the other hand, he and his “friend” have chosen December 11 as the day he can fly to be with her. No, I do not know the significance of the 9th, but they picked a day. So, I asked him, “if you’ve picked a date, does that mean I’m supposed to buy you a one-way ticket out of here?” He said yes. I told him that I’m not making any such purchase if he is going to insist that he first attend a meeting with the mediator, and I certainly cannot guarantee that a meeting will happen prior to Dec. 11. So, the good news is he’s willing to go, and he will be FAR away, but the bad news is that he has been advised not to go until after that meeting.
He said he knows he won’t be able to afford to return for quite some time once he gets out there, so he wants to have the meeting while he can and let me handle the court appearances for the divorce myself. I’ll see what the lawyer says about all this. I have my own list of what I’m willing to do, and I’m not eating the debt I’ve had to incur as a result of HIM not contributing unless he’s willing to make a major concession on his part, and I’m sure you can guess what that is.
It was quite a weekend with him and his ongoing head games. He does little things to annoy, like turning the TV back on every time I turn it off (because NOBODY is in the room and nobody is watching it). He turns it on, then goes and sits on the lanai. I turn it off. He walks back in and turns it on, then walks back out and sits on the lanai. He is such a child. I have the house on the market, so I’m always trying to keep the clutter picked up. He has a slew of stomach medicines because of the ulcer, like Tums, Brioschi, and some prescription antacids. I cleared all of this off the vanity and off the top of the medicine cabinet months ago to keep the bathroom looking neat. This weekend, he went back to his old habit of storing all these bottles across the top of the medicine cabinet. I saw them on Saturday and took them down. The next time he used the bathroom, he put them back up. I took them down and asked him to leave them down because it looked so sloppy. He put them back up.
This went on all weekend. I asked him again this morning to PLEASE Keep them down so the bathroom looks neater. He always has to get defensive and accuse me of something when I ask him to do something, so his response was, “why? You have a few bottles on your dresser, so what’s the difference?” I said, “having a couple of decorative lotion or spray bottles on the dresser doesn’t look sloppy because they’re attractive. Bottles of Brioschi and prescriptions stomach meds are NOT decorative and having them lined up all across the medicine cabinet is NOT attractive. It’s messy and the clultter does not look good when the house is shown.“ This is just another example of how he likes to annoy and push buttons. Like a child seeking negative attention because it’s better than none.
I started having computer problems this weekend, and I can’t prove it’s him, but I’d bet money on it. He was probably trying to make sure I couldn’t do my online banking because he didn’t want me to see the money he spent last week. He spent about $250 last week on sandwiches and other food items (even though we have a house full of food), cigarettes ($50 a carton and I’ve been asking him to quit for years for health reasons and financial ones), some stuff at Walmart, and he bought himself a computer web cam. Yep, bought a web cam when I’m struggling to pay the bills. I asked him how he can possibly justify these purchases when I’m not even able to make ends meet, and he got into some strange twisting conversation about his stomach and the phone and how he didn’t talk to “her” yesterday. Never answers the question at hand. He’s spent $500 the past month on “stuff.” You can bet I have copies of the transaction list to take to the lawyer, too. Talking to him is a real mind-blower sometimes. When he‘s guilty of something, he’ll get off on any other tangent he can think of to try and derail the conversation. I just started laughing it was so ridiculous. There is NO talking logic with him whatsoever.
As to your concern about the therapy, my son doesn’t mind at all so far. He is just warming up to her and has only started to open up about his feelings, and so far he has just cracked that door open ever so slightly. I also got him started there so she can work with his mild ADD issues, so she’s content focusing on the ADD until he feels like talking more. He did draw a hell of a picture, however, where he had me, him and our pets at one end of two sheets of paper that HE stapled together, and he drew his father way down at the other end away from everyone else. Of course he stuck a big ol’ cigarette in his dad’s mouth ‘cause he’s always out on the lanai smoking while we’re inside doing “real” stuff like homework, playing games or watching movies. It was quite a telling picture. The psychotherapist who was in the room at the time just said, “Wow.”
Well, wish me luck tomorrow, and I will heed your warning about not doing too much at once. I’ve got a ton of stuff to deal with even if I can get him out and get some peace of mind. That would be the first step, and I’ll take it a step at a time after that.
Thanks again, and I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Ugh. I dread going home today. There’s nothing worse than hating to go to your own home every day.
Hugs to you for all your support.
HER NEXT LETTER: UGH SHE DREADS THIS MEETING
Hi, my dearest Bubbie –
Ugh. Meeting with lawyer was NOT pretty, and I still don’t like her, but we’re going to try the mediator route rather than a court battle, since a full court battle with Ms. Attorney representing me could run $20k - $30k, so I won’t have to deal with her other than filing the appropriate paperwork at various times. On the other hand, she assured me that she can have this whole mess resolved by the end of the year or shortly thereafter if my DH will agree on all terms set forth in the mediation.
She basically told me I’m screwed and there’s nothing she can do to prevent him from getting his hands on MY money even though he left me high and dry financially for 9 years and has been contributing nothing but a measly unemployment check for over a year. Apparently it doesn’t matter that he’s put me deep in debt, used up my savings cushion, spent his 401k money on CIGARETTES and other non-necessities and has failed to conduct himself like a responsible adult, either financially or emotionally. None of that matters in the eyes of the court. That sucks!
I get screwed for being the responsible one and for making sure my son had a good quality of life despite his father’s antics, and there’s nothing anyone can or will do to protect ME. But, the freeloading bum gets a nice-size check and can negoatiate to make me pay his way to his girlfriend’s house, and he basically gets to call the shots when it comes to custody issues, otherwise a judge could give him even more if I let this go to court.
Good news is he DOES have his next meal ticket lined up and he’s willing to go, so I have to move while he’s amenable. I had to laugh at this, however: When I told him I’d reached the breaking point with him calling his girlfriend right in front of my face while I correct homework with our son, he agreed to speak with “her” about a time when he could move.
I emailed him yesterday with the information for our date with the mediator, which is TOMORROW, Thursday, and his response was, “why are YOU in such a hurry to take this step? Why are you doing it so soon? What’s the rush?” Um, well, there’s the fact that you said you’d like me to buy your airline ticket for 12/11, and then there’s the fact that I REFUSE to continue to live with your psychological games and watch you call your girlfriend on the phone while I’m looking right at you and your son is 15 feet away… Pick a reason, ass.
I told him this morning that what he really needs to do is load all his crap in his car, drive it to his dad’s for storage, and fly from there. He said he planned on ME shipping his stuff. I said absolutely not, I can’t afford such a shipping cost and I’m already paying his airline ticket out of here. I told him maybe his girlfriend could chip in and have the stuff sent, and he said, “no, she’s broke.” LOL. I had to remind him that he has ruined me finanaiclly over these 9 years, but he still refuses to acknowledge that. He just wants to go denying what he’s done and believe that somehow I’ll come up with whatever money he needs. The nerve of him! Then he asked if I couldn’t just “hold onto his stuff” for the time being, and I laughed at that. I’m going to be downsizing to a rental (first rental in 20 years, thank you very much), and there’s NO way I’m keeping his shit! If he doesn’t take it, it’s garbage.
So, on to the mediator tomorrow. He has acknowledged that he has no clue when he’ll be able to fly back here, so putting together a parenting plan will just have to remain open-ended. We’ll come up with some way to word it tomorrow.
On the financial affidavit, he’s trying to claim all sorts of household expenses on his sheet when it’s my salary that pays for everything! He’s just amazing. I have to get him to give on the division of assets, because the profit from selling the house will be miniscule and I have to use that to pay off debts, so he really doesn’t deserve anything. I have to make him see that we should calculate what he thinks he’s getting, MINUS the debts since he brought them on us, and he should only get the result of that calculation. Yeah, right. I can dream, can’t I?
Wish me luck tomorrow. I have to hammer this out and get him on his way. This is going to be rough handling this house and all the responsibilities alone, but the only thing he did during the course of everyday life is let the dogs out since he was home anyway, and feed them in the late afternoon. I know It won’t be much different, and it will get easier when I sell the house and move to something that’s less maintenance.
He said this morning, “I can’t believe you’re doing this. It NEVER should have come to this.” My response was, “you’ve had 7 out of 9 years of me begging you to be responsible and correct your behavior, to support this family financially and emotionally, and you’ve refused to see how serious your neglect was. And I absolutely refuse to continue living under these bizarre, sick circumstances with you wooing your girlfriend right before my eyes. What did you think would happen?”
Ugh, I dread tomorrow. I warned the mediator that he is delusional and will not listen to reason, so she said she is willing to put us in separate rooms in order to get agreement on things. Wish me luck.
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