Hijacking a Facebook Wall

While this thread was supposed to revolve around a teen's angst over having her Mom take away driving privileges, I got bombarded with private messages about the wall being hijacked. While I believe people SHOULD be able to speak their mind, there is a certain amount of 'arrogance' by people who post SO LONG thinking their thoughts are so important, interesting and helpful that they ramble.

While it had always been my intention that ANYONE is free to skip over LONG posts, I was told it was like slowing down a chapter in a book. It's a turn-off. That DearBubbie needed to control HER wall. If people like to go on and on - let them do it on their OWN wall.

Because I don't like to rock the boat, I went to MY DearBubbie - my mother. She was appalled and just said that she saw it as inconsiderate to other people on the wall. She felt it discouraged others from reading all the rest of the posts - and to give others a chance to give their heartfelt opinions.

When I heard the word inconsiderate and from another Bubbie, the word "hijacking a thread", I knew I had to speak up.

The thing is - we've all been there, done that. When we're passionate about a subject - we tend to ramble. Guess what? When we ramble, we actually LOSE our audience, our voice - than if we keep it crisp and concise.

So, I stated on the DearBubbie Facebook Page that we have to make LONG posts, the exception, not the rule. We've already had one Bubbie threaten to leave the wall. I hate the arrogance of what I NEED to say next, but: MY WALL, MY RULES. For everyone's sake and for the consideration of others - we need to edit ourselves better (myself definitely included) to be a louder voice and encourage ALL voices.

After looking a the below thread - do you agree or disagree?


‎"I am going to be 17 on August 20th and have been saving to buy my own car. Most of my friend's parents bought them cars when they turned 16. They say once I save $1,000.00 - they'll buy me a used car and I'll be in charge of insurance, gas and upkeep. . ‎"In the meantime, I've been using Mom's car, but now I've been banned from using it because I've been letting my friend Marcia drive it. This is "until further notice". Is this fair? They like Marcia! Mom just doesn't like to share and n...ow I walk everywhere or a friend picks me up. I have barely talked to Mom as punishment for close to two weeks. She won't listen to me! And she is insured for other drivers. Why is she making such a big deal over this? Daddy says he's staying out of this one."

Kelly: Yes this is fair. It is Mom's car. When you have your own car and are taking care of it yourself, including the insurance, then you can allow anyone you want to drive your car. Mom likely knows that teens aren't the most experienced drivers and would like to protect the investment she has made.

Liz: When someone lets you use something of theirs, you do not loan it other people without their permission. I'm tempted to ignore the feeling you seem to have (although I might be wrong) that you deserve to be given a car because you born. Sorry, but I'm not going to. Just because your friends parents gave their kids cars does not mean that your parents have to, or should.

Vicki: Mom's car is mom's car. When you are paying for insurance on your car that you bought with your hard earned money you can decide if you want to let your friend Marcia drive your car. You want your mom to respect your things; than respect her things. And girlfriend set yourself some boundries and tell your girlfriend to get her own stuff.

DearBubbie: Pretend that it was your cellphone and you were giving it to Mom - even though you wanted to use it. And then she gives it to one of her friends to use. However, a cellphone can't kill someone. She's liable if something happened to Marcia. Life changing for her because you didn't think everything through. There's more - but I'll leave this forum for the others (for now).

Lisa: Sorry - no sympathy from me either. You are still a minor you still live under their roof and as much as you think you know- your Mom knows more. You should not have let your friend drive your MOM"S car. She was doing you a favor by lett...ing you drive it in the first place. You need to learn to respect your parents rules. They are there for a reason. Suck it up and show your parents you are maturing and handle your business and deal with the consequences of your actions like the adult you want to be treated as.Mary: One thing I learned about Mom's a long time ago is that you have to do SPECIFICALLY what they ask. I am sure that Mom set down rules for her car and what she expected from you. You screwed up. Best thing you could do right now is grovel at ...her feet and apologize over and over. If you want to be treated as an adult, act like one. I have bad news for you babe, "punishing" Mom by not talking to her is acting like a spoiled brat. In Mom's eyes, you are just showing her how immature you still are.
Mary: And giving her peace and quiet. Thats not a bad thing for most Mom's, trust me.
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Chris: yes, what Mary said! My husband and i were making my Step Daughter's car payment from the time she was 18-20. She has always been a bit disrespectful to her Dad and when she got married in her early 20's the disrespect grew. Her Dad trie...d calling her about some important things and for 6 months this young lady did not bother to call her Father back. He said, "just wait, I will skip a car payment and when she gets the letter from the bank she will call." (The loan is in her name/we cosigned for her.) Not only did she call, BUT proceeded to chastise, swear at and berate her Father for not making her payment and not bothering to tell her! Getting the picture here yet, Miss 17 yr old? So , a simple call she could have made telling Dad she was sorry for being so disrespectful of someone that was paying for her car, just got done paying for some extra schooling, and a list of other things.... turned into a bigger headache for her. Dad STOPPED the car payment and told her she and her husband could be responsible adults and pay themselves. More swearing and name calling by her....hmmmm, so mature. He even sent her a text saying all she needed to do was return her Dad's calls once in awhile and show a little respect. She threatened to ruin his credit. Well,that would have been even more silly on her part because the bank would take away her car (all over a $100 payment per month on a nice SUV.)So Miss 17 year old, "don't bite the hand that feeds you." Learn some maturity and APOLOGIZE to your Mom who was doing you not only a favor, but treating you like an adult when she allowed YOU to borrow her car. YOU broke her trust and made the mistake. NOT your MOM! I am not for one minute saying that Mom's and Dad's are perfect~all parent's make mistakes, BUT show her that you can be mature and LEARN from your mistakes. And even if your parent's make a "blunder" here and there, they are still your parents and deserve some care and respect for all the hard years of raising a child. YOU will understand exactly how they feel one day when you have your own child and you realize how much your parents LOVE you and want nothing but great things for their daughter. The last thing they want is to get a call from the police or hospital saying their daughter was in an accident and a friend was driving the car. It is hard enough for a parent to give the keys to an automobile to their child~they worry for your safety every time you turn the key.My Dad owned an auto body business and saw many cars with the blood of teenagers. When i got the chance to drive any car at your age, there was a LIST of rules. I always respected them. You are sounding like a whiny, spoiled brat in your letter, even though you think you saved $1000. Big deal. Cars cost way more than that and your insurance will cost you more than that in a year along with the gas you put in it. You don't have the first clue. I do congratulate you on saving that money. But it does not ENTITLE you to anything. $1000 right now in the difficult economy that we all live in means food on some families tables and a roof over their head for just a month. Learn some priorities quickly while you still have the chance to live in a safe house with parents that support and care for you.If you were my child, a bicycle is what you would be riding for awhile if you were treating me like you are treating your Mom. Your friends that get cars given to them... well I hope they show their parent's love and respect for it. I can guess that many of them don't. Welcome to the real world Miss teenager.

January: I agree with all the above. But, people why do we give our kids expensive gifts? We are making them into spoiled, entitled brats! Teach them the value of a dollar, and that you have to work hard for what you want. Cars kill people, teach them to take that seriously. They will become better adults.


Sharon: This will teach you responsibility and teach you that as with anything in life, it means more if you earn it yourself and you will gain the respect of your family and friends. It is the first step of becoming a responsible adult.


Natalie: DITTO DITTO DITTO TO ALL THE ABOVE. I dont know how you expected to hear anything but this. And this too shall pass.

Chris: I agree, January. I told my husband his biggest fault as a parent in my humble opinion was spoiling the hell out of his only child. He loves his daughter so much and gave her everything he could possibly afford for her. And... the only person his daughter really 'hurts" with her actions is herself. His feelings are hurt often by his daughter, but he has learned that he needs to let her "grow up" and learn from her mistakes. She has a child now and she will have some eye openers for sure.Mary: I have to add here. NEVER will I ever buy my child a car. If they want a car, they can get a job and pay for it and the responsibilities that go along with it. No help or handouts from me. This is the real world. No one else pays for our cars or houses, insurance, food etc. Get used to it

Chris: Psst Mary... send that cute little Caleb my way and I will buy him a car! LOL! I just love him! Well maybe not a car, but a horse anyway.

Mary: NO way, can you imagine him in a car? I have told him for years that when he gets old enough, and gets a job and saves the money, I will allow him to BUY my old truck from me and he can fix it up and drive it. (He loves that old truck) I am hoping that will keep him busy until he is about 110...


Chris:
See Miss Teen? See how mean Mary is to her children out of love? Her young boy Caleb is one of the most caring and respectful boys to adults I have ever met. And he is gorgeous and will be a lady's man... well he already is with m...e. :)Really young lady.... parents only want the best for their kids. And yes, we all make mistakes. My parents did, their's did (believe me, I know this because my 93/94 year old Grandparents live with me and I hear the stories now!) We all may be sounding harsh to you, but seriously, YOU NEEDED a dose of reality and your disrespect rings loud and clear in your letter

Mary: I might let him have a horse....

Chris: OH, and back to the lest sentence in this letter writer's note!! Daddy is staying out of this one??? Come on parents!!! You are a team no matter what! And I am sure Little Miss Teen is just playing up to Daddy big time. Why does one pa...rent have to be the "enforcer?" My parents never let us see their disagreements about issues with the kids. All parents have them. BUT once a child sees this.... it makes the job as a parent that much tougher.

Janet: What if you loaned Marcia your iPad, then she loaned it to another friend of hers who you like, but don't really hang around with? But...you LIKE Marcia's other friend! Now, you get your iPad back, and tell Marcia she's on suspension from borrowing anything of yours. Should Marcia 'punish' you by snubbing you, and give you the silent treatment?


Chris: By the way, I meant to emphasize that I didn't come into my Step Daughter's life until she was a senior in HS. I saw the discord between her parents. My husband always had to be the "bad guy" because Mom wanted to be the daughter's friend.... She didn't have any more respect for her Mother in the long run. Parents divorced when she was 17 when Mom left and daughter continued to manipulate the differences for as long as she could. Both my husband and I had so much empathy for her and tried "to walk in her shoes" but found out we were very much getting stepped on by her shoes. Some children just need time to learn and move on and grow up. They don't see the hurt everyone feels, it is only "poor me syndrome." The letter writer is surely "hurting" her Mom's feelings by not talking to her, but she is being a Mom... stinks that those kinds of consequences are part of being a good parent.

Chris: funny Janet, we tried similar examples with my step daughter. I hope the letter writer "wakes up."

Janet: The teen years are the 'all about me' years. She'll grow up some day. We all did.


Chris: well some of us adults did Janet... some don't. LOL!

Mary: One of this girls problems IS that the parents are not a united force. My husband and I don't always agree (I am stricter than he is) But NEVER do my kids see or hear that!!

Chris: I am going to give this young lady another example. Last night friends of mine visited~the man is a police officer here in KY. His good friend is grieving for the loss of their 23 yr old son (that still lived at home). Dad told him he ha...d to sell his motorcycle because he caught his son doing wheelies down the road and he had a reputation for speeding... the son agreed and apologized to Dad for not being responsible as a motorcyclist. The son sold it and took it for one last spin and the boy (man, adult... whatever, this man's son) not only took it out for one last spin, but was speeding (against Dad's rules) and took out a mailbox in a curve and it was his "last ride" in or on anything. (I must say I AM NOT AGAINST MOTORCYCLES!!! I have been riding for years~but laws, parent's rules and safety are there for a reason!!! Riders like that, make the safe ones look bad.) I shed some tears for the parents and said prayers for them last night.Young lady~your parents have rules especially when you start driving for reasons. Accidents sadly are a part of life, but when you are irresponsible and don't follow your parents rules, things can and will most likely go wrong. You may not understand the reason for a rule yet, give it time, you will. Hopefully you will learn without a lot of bad judgement and mistakes of your own... learn from other's mistakes!

Lisa: I agree with everything said here... but I also want to say that your mom is responsible for whatever happens to any person in that vehicle. IF that girl had gotten into an accident her parents could sue your mom then your family could lose... everything. how would you feel about that??? she trust you with her car, probably because she feels like you are responsible and trustworthy but you screwed that up by allowing someone else to drive her car... not responsible. You put yourself and others lives in the hands of your friend and caused your mom to be unknowingly responsible for that girls actions. Ireegardless of how she feels about liking the girl does not mean she trusts her driving. Many states have laws now that teens can only have 1 passenger under the age of 21 in the vehicle and are not allowed to drive after 10 pm. personally I think they should have to have their permit for a few years to get practice with their parents ONLY before even being allowed to get their liscenes!!!!

Lisa: In 2008, drivers 16 - 24 years of age constituted 14 percent of all drivers yet were involved in 36.3 percent of all crashes and 31.6 percent of fatal crashes.... also I WOULD BE FURIOUS if my kids' friend allowed them to drive without a parents permission. so how does marcia's mom feel about this??


CB: You people spent an inordinate amount of time dealing with this question, given that it is from a 16-year-old who, by definition, is immature and self-absorbed, and, therefore, is only writing to an advice column in the hope that someone wi...ll agree with her and she can wave it under her mother's nose as "proof" she's being too harsh. The correct answer is, "You're not only too young to drive, you're obviously too young to be trusted, too, and if I had my way the parents of all your spoiled friends would be in jail for endangering the public by turning them into mechanized death machines. Anything else you want advice about???"

DearBubbie: I loved what EVERYONE had to say, but I'm 50! If I were a kid, I'd have lost interest after the first sentence of each comment. Starting a sentence in a scolding way probably isn't the best way to get one's point across to a teen. I just hope she says to her Mom that she 'gets it" now and understands and will take her due punishment. (But that's only if she really DOES get it.)

Gordon: This is the first slam dunk I can remember ever in Dear Bubbie, loaning a parents car is tantamount to loaning a loaded gun, and furthermore don't ever give a female minor a $1000 car these days unless its a meticulously maintained vehicle formerly owned by a relative or close family friend, and always get your daughter AAA plus no matter what it costs..
14 hours ago · LikeUnlike


Cb: My point is that the kid doesn't WANT advice. So don't waste another second of your life trying to figure out the right way or wrong way to "get through" to young people. This is not a case that's worth the energy.

Chris: I hope she did learn some things from this and will take it "like an adult" and not like a whipping. A smart teen is few and far between but there are some out there.