Amanda and Max Part 2

The morning after the dog bite was discovered, I asked my husband, John, what he thought we should do.

Of course I wanted us to be on the same page: Max had to go. It was a no-brainer. Instead, I got:

"This is your house, your rules. Give him away! Let him dig a hole under the fence and run away. And we won't go find him."

I literally did one of those quick shakes of my head - as if my brain might get jiggled enough into comprehending what he just said. Ten seconds later, I calmly said: "No, I want to listen to what you have to say."

"You decide!" he answered in a highly agitated tone.

While John and I couldn't reasonably sort it out, Amanda went to work. She mentioned her Uncle Rod, the dog lover/firefighter/EMT/Physical fitness buff, who may take Max.

I quizzed Amanda about Max getting enough exercise, food and companionship. Rod's situation sounded like Doggie Nirvana:

1. Max would get companionship in a laid-back brother/dog named Ben.

2. Access to a fenced-in backyard, a covered porch and indoors in the evening.

3. Rod will take Max "everywhere".

4. Rod's neighbor takes care of the dogs when Rod is at the fire station.

5. Rod has been looking for a running companion. Hello Max!

6. Ben is fed well ("too well" according to Amanda); Max would not starve for food or attention.

All three of us cried at the thought of Max not being a member of our household. It was a tough, but necessary decision. Now, I know the tears would only be selfish.

Max has a shot at the kind of life that I would wish for any dog. And to think. . .it all happened because he followed a 15-year old home from school one day.

The Ballad of Amanda and Max

Call it serendipity, but when my husband called me at work to let me know a dog had followed my 15 year old stepdaughter home, I felt anything but pleasantly surprised. Especially when upon further inquisition, I found out that the dog was a pit bull.

Wisely, father and daughter got the dog acquainted to our fenced-in backyard first, before introducing him to our big-shot-only-child dachshund, Rex. Even though I'm my own boss, I have a sense of responsibility. So as soon as the clock turned to 4:55, I was outta there and racing home.

By that point, the dog was in the house and making himself fully comfortable and even greeting me. Well, someone had certainly taught the dog some manners.

Upon inspection, I saw that the dog did have that square strong jaw, but it wasn't as scary-looking as full-blooded pit bulls. He was obviously mixed with something else, but my only guess would have been Bambi - because he has gorgeous eye-liner around each wide, character-filled eye.

"You look in his face," Amanda said, "and you'll give him any and everything he wants."

Little did she know, she was also talking about herself. Why else would I even let a new animal into our house? Let's start with New Addition to our Family (July '09), my husband John's daughter, Amanda and the cat, Boots.

Amanda has no clue how irresistable she is and how she can tug on heartstrings. Not only would dogs follow her home, but anyone who meets her would want to become her pet! Long blonde curly hair, gorgeous white straight teeth and blue-ish eyes just mark the beginning of who she is. When she decided to move in with us - late one night, no notice - she was exactly like the dog. Happy, well-mannered and fit right in. I kept thinking how hard this must be for her - but she spread pure happiness with her delightful giggles and mere prescense. A teenager enhancing a household - this couldn't be!

When I introduced her to my tennis and Facebook friends, they were blown away, as was I. It's touchy with 'kids'. She had a humble shyness about her, yet contributed to adult conversation by truly listening to what the other person was saying.

When school began, we learned what classes she liked and what kids she was meeting. She babysat and excelled at school, bringing home straight 'A's on her report card. And she's an athletic girl.

Mainly, she follows household rules. . .there really aren't any. ..but she's awfully good to her Dad, me, and the dog and two cats. So, if she wanted a dog, we're giving her a dog. It was meant to be.

We did find the previous owner, who sadly said she could not keep the dog any longer. The owners before her were long gone. We estimated the dog's age to be about one year. He would need to be neutered and get his rabies shot first thing.

Initially, we kept the dog's previous name, Gordan, but it wouldn't roll off our tongues. We were calling him all sorts of names - from Roger to Grady - before John came up with the perfect name: Max. Amanda had easily assimilated a second name for him: Buddy.

Our dog was now Max and Buddy and he happily obliged by responding to both.

When Amanda would ask for 'rules' regarding Max or questions in general, I pretended that she had great respect for my doggie knowledge, since I used to head up "The USA Loves Dogs Club". But I know it's really because she wanted to avoid any problems with my micro-managing.

"Hard food or soft food in the morning," she asked.

Thoughtfully, I responded, "Hmmmm, I guess hard food, it will be like he's brushing his teeth!"

"Then I want some!" my husband happily chimed in.

House rules for the dog included that he needed to be exercised vigorously. This was an extraordinarily strong dog with boundless energy that needed to be released.

I gave Amanda enormous credit as she tried to walk the pulling dog, and staying consistent with her commands of "heel". The first and only time I "walked" Max, I caved way too easily and just decided to run (and almost kill myself when Max saw a squirrel). Amanda would stop only to rub his neck and tell him to stop choking himself.

"Well that wasn't too much fun," I said as we got home from the walk. Of course, my dachshund has no leash manners, because Mommy (the doggie know-it-all) didn't train him correctly.

I didn't realize that Amanda's head was working overtime. The next time we went for a walk, Amanda put on her helmut and let Max pull her on a skateboard. Rex and I followed them - running and laughing the whole way. I was a kid again and barely felt breathless as we felt free as the wind. Amanda gave Rex and Max the gift of exercise and me the priceless gift of youth.

At home, Max initially marked the house (who cares? tile floors) and got a hold of a couple of shoes. Big whoop. . it would teach me to pick up my shoes. Amanda was so thoughtful and considerate: "Well, we're going to get you new shoes!"

Rex had a new friend who played 'tug of war' with every toy in the house as well as every pair of socks I owned. And John finally had a dog that would greet him when he came home and go to him for love and attention. (Unlike the loyal dachshund breed, who has ONE owner - his mother.)

I felt that Amanda and John had their own deserved pet to really love them - and Max was the sweetest dog I had ever met. He was a lap dog with the most unbelieveable disposition and fun personality. On a cuteness factor of one to ten - this dog was an 11, and I have the photographs to prove it.

When Rex and Max would mouth and wrestle, I would snap a photo. Or scream for my husband to "GET THE CAMERA HONEY!!!"

John wrote on Max's collar: MAX FERGUSON and was making him a cart to pull that a person could ride in. He spent all day on that thing. (I was inside the house when I heard Amanda scream a bloodcurdling scream, which meant something went wrong with the cart. Thankfully, it was followed by even louder laughter.)

Then one night, Max and Rex were playing on the floor in front of the television, when the happy yelps of play turned into a full-blown scary-sounding dog fight. I slammed the newspaper in hopes of the smacking noise making them come to their senses and Amanda came rushing out of her room. John broke up the fight, by shoving Max with his foot away from Rex.

We all stood stunned and then I picked up Rex (who all of sudden went into "this is death" mode) to inspect him in the bedroom for any possible bite. I flipped him over and didn't even feel saliva on him. With his tail between his legs, when I told him he was alright - he flipped back over, jumped off the bed and ran back into the tv room.

Max was shaking like a leaf and went to curl up in a closet. Amanda soothed him.

The next day, Rex wasn't playing much at all with Max - even as Max assumed the play position. When we walked, I noticed he wasn't pulling as hard as usual. Of course, with so much going on in an adult's life outside of the household (!), I lazily justified it as Rex just needing a rest. He was five years old, after all. That evening, I found it. A bite mark, a deep puncture of a tooth mark on Rex's neck, right under his mouth.

What had happened that escalated the dog's play to turn to fighting? "They're like kids," my husband explained. "They'll fight over toys."

The thing is - Rex is all bark, no bite. Max bit. I didn't know how to tell Amanda. But when she came out of her room, she said: "It's probably just a hot spot." When I showed it to her, she said: "Ohhhhhh. . " Then she got some Bacitracin and rubbed it on Rex's wound.

She was being the adult. I was in total panic mode inside. We would have to give this dog up.
Without me even saying anything, Amanda seemed to know this would be the case.

"Look to see if Rex bit Max," I asked her. "That would be an equalizer." Of course, there was no mark on Max.

Rex had been a wonderful host to Max. He shared his toys, slept next to him, took turns with the snacks and let us pet and love Max. But Rex is the alpha dog and I believe something triggered Max into a fight. Because Rex has been here first, he should be able to establish dominance and be downright obnoxious (if that was the case), without getting bitten.

The next day, whenever Rex and Max started to play, Amanda and John would yell at them to stop. I explained to them that dogs SHOULD be able to play without getting yelled at. This wasn't a fair situation to either dog. Amanda said she was nervous and John felt that it could escalate into a fight again.

I wrote to my brother, who has no heart, but a head for logic, about the situation. He emailed back about the experiences he encountered when he was a deputy. The pitbull is a wonderful pet that in many instances cause no problems over a lifetime. But others, still have the inbred quality that can trigger a fight. Just like a dachshund has the innate need to dig for badgers! They were bred to fight and even centuries later, this has not been bred out of them. When they fight, they go for the jugular.

I researched further, coming across a website called the Dog Bite Law Center. They write that "typically 77% of injuries are by friendly dogs known to the bitten person. It is impossible to predict what might provoke a friendly dog to bite. It may be in pain, become panic-stricken, feel threatened, or any number of factors. . .some breeds have a genetic predisposition. . .

"The major problem is that they are frequently (94%) unprovoked."

I told my husband that I loved Max despite the fact that he bit Rex. It's nature. If a person did harm to Rex, I'd find them and KILL them. Easily. I thought of obedience training for Max and my husband videotaped Max and Rex during the day that showed that they slept all day long. Rex doesn't budge.

But when I was alone with the two of them and they started to play, I was nervous. It was too much responsibility. Amanda would possibly be a counselor at camp over the Summer and going off to college in a few years. Who knows when another trigger could go off.

We would need to find the RIGHT home for Max where he could get exercise, play freely and be loved. . . (Part Two coming soon)

Bubbie's Survival Guide for Black Friday

We're all grownup's right? But that doesn't mean we're going to behave like adults during Black Friday (BF) shopping excursions.

BF reminds me a lot of dieting. You know how to 'budget' (money/calories), but we always manage to overdo it. In other ways, it's like going to a casino: there's the highs of the buys, but the crash of spending more than we intended.

Let's start with some very simple (and obvious) procedures to make this Black Friday a sunny yellow:

1. Write down on cardboard or a hardboard (that will still fit in your purse) who you're planning to buy a gift for and in what cash range you hope to spend.
The reason for the hard board rather than a piece of paper, is that it is more significant and holds more weight. And you won't lose it in your purse. You can pull it out and refer to the list or even hold it in your hand.

2. Be prepared for the following aggravations:
A. Switch and baits.
B. An item being out of stock
C. Unhelpful sales associates
D. Long lines (and)
E. Rude, self-involved/self-important people who will bump into you, cut in front of you
and make you feel completely insignificant.

First, to handle A - D, you chose to go shopping on BF. If you expect the inevitable, the situations will be easier to handle. Put things in perspective if you feel yourself getting hot under the collar. There are just as many people hitting up the shops as there are people who can't go shopping because they can't pay the mortgage.

To handle E - ughhhhh! I'm reminded of "Fried Green Tomatoes" when Kathy Bates just lost it in the parking lot with the two girls who stole her parking space. You will probably run into that as well as bubbleheads (note bubble not Bubbie) who yak loudly or text on their cellphones totally oblivious and inconsiderate to those around them. Say to yourself: Towanda! Or simply remember that karma is alive and kicking butts daily. Don't let it get you down, okay?

3. If you go too strict on yourself budget-wise, you could be setting yourself up to fail. So on your list, leave three blank spaces, with the intention of trying to use only one. These can be gifts for yourself or others. Sometimes there are unadvertised sales or a person you left off the list.

The key to happiness on BF is not to stick to your budget (that would be too good to be true, wouldn't it?), but to not crazily exceed it. The credit card balance and guilt would knock you down and keep you down well into 2010.

Treat BF like a day of luxury. You'll meet all kinds of people: from friendly to stressed to angry and rude SOB's. But now you're prepared. You can handle anything!

Please remember your independent retailers as well for any additional Christmas goodies.

Now go act like the grown-up's you are and don't forget a little something for the Bubbie in your life.

You can find Dearbubbie on Facebook. Please feel free to submit wall posts that you think will inspire others. Humor is always good, right? If you have a question for dearbubbie, write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com.

Dear Bubbie,

Not a question, but rather a comment based on your profile on Blogspot. I am not married and am 37 years old. I don't know how you managed to make it through the holiday season for so many years alone. I hate this time of year. There is nothing that will make me change my mind. The holiday crap starts so early every year that it feels like it will be forever for Christmas and New Year's to come and go.

It is EXTREMELY tough being alone.

Louise

P.S. I do have friends and I could go out on dates, but nobody floats my boat. I'd rather be alone than waste my time

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Dear Louise,

Well, of course, I used to feel like you - except for worse. Once the New Year festivities were over with, there were all these advertisements for Valentine's Day! I needed February 14th to be over with before I could breathe again.

I'm not going to preach to you, because I don't think it is an easy time of year AND you didn't ask for my advice. But I'll tell you three things that may help the going get easier. Wait a minute. .four things:

1. Read the letter from "Another Holiday Stab in the Heart". Just because people are together for holidays doesn't make it great. In so many cases, it's just a huge cause for stress. Even when people travel, there's the hassle of packing and flying.

2. You can do whatever the heck you want (including cry!); eat whatever and however much you want to eat or not even eat at all!

3. Please do something a little out of the ordinary. One year I went to St. Armand's Circle (an outdoor shopping circle) and it was packed with people. I had tears in my eyes as I saw couples holding hands and then I saw HIM! Jerry Springer, the talk show host! He had bought one of my Mom's paintings and I reminded him of who I was and he remembered me. Tears gone - the rest of the day was great!

4. My best Thanksgiving as a single person happened when I told myself - this may BE the last Thanksgiving I get to be alone, so enjoy it for all its worth. Guess what? It was my last Thanksgiving alone. And the following one - with family - wasn't so great!

5. Oops - there's five?? You are very telling in your letter, Louise. You have friends you can be with? You could even have a date? You are CHOOSING to be alone, whether you realize it or not. So, it shows you do take comfort and contentment in it. It's great to have options.

Finally, you know what kind of changed the holiday blues for Bubbie? This is kind of mean. .I had dated a gorgeous, successful man and was boo-hoo'ing on my first Fourth of July without him (thinking I was missing out on barbecue and fun at the beach or on his boat).

Like Jerry Springer suddenly appeared, I saw him walking with his new girlfriend. He had gotten VERY fat and unhealthy looking. I thought of how much he drank (too much) and him stuffing his face with hot dogs and hamburgers and possibly even having his pretentious friends around. .and it was truly Independence Day for me!

Keep in touch, friend. And be thankful.

__________________________________________________________________

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The Journey in Trying

When my friend was keeping a secret 'under her hat' from me (Her best friend! Her Bubbie!), I have to admit - I was hurt. No, she doesn't have to tell me everything, but what was going on that she felt she couldn't tell me?

Turns out she went to an International Nanny Headhunting Agency and was being considered for a temporary position. "I didn't want you to be disappointed or get too excited if things didn't work out," she explained.

What she didn't understand is that I am such a fan of people who even attempt things outside their comfort zone. It takes courage to go out for a new sport, audition for a role in a play or interview for a job. The end result isn't what matters - but what we gain from the journey along the way.

Throughout my many attempts, I had seen myself as a failure. When my music career ended without fame, fortune or fanfare - it took years and years to realize that my record got airplay on radio stations across the country. How many people can say that? My years of trying to make it in the music biz, resulted in a manuscript entitled: "WLAQ/Q-102, May I Help You?". That resulted in me feeling like a failure when I got rejection letter after rejection letter from literary agents. That is until one started with: "Dear Author". Author? Me? That's when I discovered that at least I had finished a manuscript and had something to present to them - awful as it was/is.

I had started a dog lover's club in Atlanta, but as it expanded into The USA Loves Dogs Club, it became too much for me. I published The Doggone Good Times, did national bulk mail, had an '800' number and was driving myself into debt. I ended up selling the whole doggone thing to "Good Dog Magazine" for something like $200.00. The thing is - our club did a lot of good and people enjoyed the outings with their dogs.

My whole life has been about working hard, paying dues and going for it. Interesting that I wasn't rewarded with the desired end result, but always with something much better. I've never felt so alive when I was reaching for what turned out to be unattainable goals.

When fate handed me the opportunity to go it alone with picture framing, I found a freedom in really getting to know my customers one-on-one. I wasn't raking in the money, which was an objective, but I was making a connection with people. They sit at the design table, sipping coffee or water, and we talk. I decided to fix up one lonely customer, who I totally adored. Within months - he married the woman I introduced him to - and DearBubbie became a side business.

Will Bubbie succeed? Who knows? But what I've learned through all my 'tries', it that it's been an exhilarating ride. I've learned not to get my hopes up, but just take a chance or two as I step outside the comfort zone into yet another chapter.

We all only have one life to live.

So whether it's asking a certain somebody out on a date or starting over in a new career - it's a victory to just not be sitting on the sidelines. As for my friend who is awaiting word from the Nanny Agency.. .she's already a winner and Bubbie is very proud of her.

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Another Holiday Stab in the Heart

Dear Readers:

The holidays are such a double-edged sword - a blessing and such a curse.

A compassionate person can't help but think of those less fortunate as they sit down to a beautiful Thanksgiving table, with an incredible bounty of food. Some people, bless them, do volunteering at the local food banks and Salvation Army.

Some elderly parents are disappointed that their married child is spending the holiday's with the other spouse's parents rather than them.

Or it could be a young child of divorce who makes the difficult choice of spending the holidays with one parent over another.

In one particular case, a woman is upset that her grown children have chosen to stay with their father for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. She is the one who raised the children and made sure birthdays were special, while the kids would be lucky if they even heard from their Dad.

The explanation is logical and reasonable. .the father lives within driving distance while Mom is on the other coast. Yet, how can can she reconcile her hurt feelings that she will be alone - while they will all celebrate together?

How does one NOT feel hurt by what feels like a slight - even though logically, we know it isn't.

One person already told her that there is a more important plan for her than spending that time with her children. I like to think that as well. But what can we advise her so that she doesn't blame her children - or worse, herself? How can we help her make it through the holidays with contentment and peace?

Love,
Bubbie

Welcome To Dear Bubbie

For those new to this 'spot', we're a community trying to assist others with common sense solutions to everyday relatable issues. We always welcome your comments.

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With love,
Bubbie

Menopausal Behaviors Disrupt Loving Home

Got a problem that you'd like some input on? Write to dearbubbie@yahoo.com

Dear Bubbie,

This stinks. I've been married to a great man for over 20 years - and I feel I'm getting away with behavior that is unacceptable! I am taking his love for granted, no doubt.

I've been going through menopause and my moods have been extreme. When I'm down, I actually get on the verge of tears. Sometimes little things - really minor things - work me into a tizzy.

I apologize to my husband, who is very understanding, but he shouldn't have to put up with my unpredictability. There is no justification for my explosions - no rhyme or reason - but at the time, I just meltdown.

I love my husband. He deserves better. What can I do?

Sandra

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Dear Sandra,

You and I have had several e-mail exchanges and you expressed to me that while you're "short on patience" in some cases, you're still nice to everyone else. It's your husband that is getting the brunt of your 'releases'.

Exercise: Visualize that you and your husband are on the same football team - same shirts. (Pick a team color! Fuchsia!) No matter how irritated you feel towards him (in the same manner a running end may be annoyed at his quarterback), you two MUST support each other.

It's a good thing, Sandra, that you recognize you're taking your mood swings out on the one who you can 'get away with' being not nice to. And, I'm glad you don't have self-hate yourself for this behavior or blame him. Some of it is controllable, but it is wacky hormones as well.

Since we know I'm NOT a doctor, I'd like for you to Google Menopause Mood Swings. What you are looking for is an easy-to-read article that explains that your mood swings are indeed physiological and driven by hormones. Print it out, draw hearts on it (I'm big on personalization!), and ask your husband to read it. Thank him for being a supportive teammate throughout this stage of your life.

There are also support groups online that may offer great suggestions. (Always use your common sense.)

You also mentioned that you are having difficulty sleeping for more than three hours a night. Why don't you want to see a doctor? You can listen to what he/she has to say, but you're not forced to act upon it. I know there can be doom and gloom associated with visits, but just keep the information that they have been educated with and keep that in your back pocket.

There are numerous books to buy online or at the bookstore or even at the library. Some women tout Suzanne Somers; but Bubbie says: Do what you feel comfortable doing. Follow YOUR gut.

Finally, I suggest you also research natural ways - from foods to herbs - that can alleviate anything from the mood swings to hot flashes. Go to your local health food store and research online. Talk to any other friends who are going through this time of life.

Instead of tackling your teammate and taking him down with you - go off by yourself for a walk or exercise and get it out of your system that way. We live in modern times and there's no need for you or your husband to suffer through this. Best to you, my dear Sandra. (By the way, you sound like a wonderful wife. Don't beat yourself up.)

Love,
Bubbie

Dreading the Holidays

Dear Bubbie,

I knew when I married my husband that his family came first - meaning his three horrible brothers. When they come for visits (which is often), they take over the house. I am the fifth wheel. Ignored. Disregarded. Tolerated. I am the outsider in my own home.

I love my husband and this is a tricky situation, because it's the only time he won't bend. Over time (three years), my resentment has grown to such an extent that I totally dread Thanksgiving. And December, because who knows who is going to tell us they're going to be at our house for Christmas.

Can anything be done to help me through this?

Signed,

Losing It

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Dear Losing It,

I'm sure you have peacefully and calmly tried talking to your husband at a 'good' time for him (timing is everything). If you haven't, you must let him know - in a nice tone of voice - that YOU - not his brothers - are the #1 Family Priority. You shouldn't have to be subjected to rude, obnoxious behavior by anyone in your house - let alone your husband's relatives.

If possible, try to take the compromising route on both sides.

Write down the things about the visits that disturb you the most. See if hubby will alleviate any of your aggravations with fixable solutions. If he agrees - make a colorful poster, hang it in the bedroom with the new set of boundaries. (This way, he can't say he forgot or it wasn't mentioned.) Make sure you include on the poster: "I love you" or "You're My Hero" or "Thank You" with hearts.

If there's no compromise on his part, you could do what my friend, Cindy does. . .

When her husband's family is in town, she actually gets a motel room. It sounds awful to be chased out of your own home, but she looks at it as an opportunity for her own vacation. She said she doesn't want to see her home taken over, so since she can't change it - this is what works for her.

If you can't afford a motel, then just do a day trip or spend the day with your family/friends.

I know you didn't get married to spend the holidays without your husband. But, I wouldn't make my life miserable either by tolerating bad treatment during the holidays. If hubby doesn't compromise - it doesn't say much for the relationship if he chooses to spend the day with his brothers over you. Don't cook for them or clean up after them.

Try to continue to be loving throughout the entire dialogue instead of angry at him. Perhaps he'll 'hear' you better. Good luck and I hope somehow there is a happier turkey day awaiting you.

Love,
Bubbie

Flash 55 - The Transition of Hope

Hope became a splinter that annoyingly, unsympathetically hides beneath layers of skin.

What once gave excitement is now just a constant reminder of pain that can't be completely extracted.

Not yet.

Too many years have been invested, drop by soul-baring drop in increments ranging from dread to anticipation.

Time to give up.

No. Not yet.

Flash 55

Sensory Overload!
Louise absolutely loves it.
DingDingDing Blinding Blinking Flashing Neon
Bells Whistles 7's Aces Diamonds Wheel of Fortune People
She sticks the first quarter in.
She's ahead! She's behind!
The slots tease her into a false hope of financial freedom.
Heading home, she wonders what she'll tell her husband.
Louise absolutely hates it.

Powerful Ex Has Taken her Child

This came via Dearbubbie@yahoo.com. Your input is welcome.

Dear Bubbie,

My ex, a powerful man in our community hurt me while we were still married. I pressed charges and it made the newspapers. Of course, we divorced shortly thereafter.

He is cruel, spiteful and revengeful and has literally stolen my child, Bobby, away from me.

Because he is a multi-millionaire, he has basically bankrupted me as I've run out of money trying to fight for my child back. Last December, right before we went to court, my lawyer QUIT (because I wouldn't hand over custody) and I was forced to represent myself. It was a snowy miserable day and right before I went into court, a truck sped by my parked car - getting dirty, salty snow all over my nylons and skirt.

Because custody is a personal matter (right?) and no one's business, I had no one with me.

He shows up with his entire family (they're like the Kennedy clan); business associates and their wives; and friends that filled up his half of the courtroom.

I was there alone...and his attorney mentioned that, too. Well, Ms. Attorney bitch, my father has dementia and my mother is dead. My only sibling lives across the country and my closest friends WORK. I didn't think I needed to burden them with a public lynching! My ex on the other hand, gave out tickets for the horror show. It was unbelievable and probably like watching something at the Roman Coliseum, for a full day of testimony. One day, Bobby will want to beat the shit out of his father for putting me through that. I just know it. I did not deserve what happened, nor does my child.

Bubbie, I haven't spoken one word to my son since Sept. 19th. He has legally stolen him from me and I can't afford to do a damn thing about it. I still owe my former attorney $9,000. I lost my house after threats of foreclosure last June before it became popular to do so. I'm not crying victim, it's just that this man has made it his mission to ruin me. He wouldn't cross the street to piss on me if I was on fire.

I think I'll go to free legal aide. It isn't easy being me.

Margaret


Dear Margaret,

You are right. It isn't easy being you right now. But that can all change in the blink of an eye. God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I googled your town and came across the newspaper article when your then-husband did strike you. I'm sure your town was shocked by what goes on behind closed doors.

Try writing to some local or near-by attorneys and see if they'll take your case pro-bono. I hope that's the right term. Perhaps they can collect legal fees from the "other party" since he seems to be dragging it on. Ask if you can do some payment plans, even. Do you have any friends that have lawyers for friends who can help you? Contacts do help.

As for not talking to your child. . doesn't he have a cellphone? Is he on any kind of social network? The fact that you can not speak to your child will NOT BODE WELL for your ex in any future hearing. This is not good for the child.

The courtroom situation that you described - it sounds like you could almost suffer from Post Traumatic Stress after such a happening! So, I want you to know that you're not alone in something like that. Look at Heather Mills and Paul McCartney. (Who knows the true story there, but you are NOT alone.) I think a judge would have sympathy for the situation you described above. . the former rich powerful husband and the people with the mentality of "choosing sides" with the person they think will benefit them the most. It's a horrible picture of David vs. Goliath and the way you envision it is NOT the way the judge saw it.

Think of a movie you would watch, Margaret. Wouldn't you be rooting for the woman standing alone? In that room it was mob mentality. In a book or movie, you're the real hero. Living through something like that can bring tears to your eyes - so you must see if from a different viewpoint and applaud wildly for yourself. Okay? That was a surreal experience that's in the PAST.

Please keep records of everything and be prepared with a list or what's happening and questions for your new attorney. By the way, I hope the NEW WIFE has her ducks in a row. She's next. .and the situation could drive them apart.

You're good to go. You don't have the abusive husband anymore. Now with the RIGHT lawyer, you'll get your child back. Please keep us all posted about communication with your child. HANG IN.

Love,
Bubbie

He's Awful, But I Love Him Follow-Up

Dear Bubbie,

Thanks for asking for a follow-up. I did leave him. . .again. . .

I reread every one's comments for strength. I felt like a I had people 'out there' caring about me. I didn't want to let you or them down. By the way, is there a way for me to thank them??

Anyway, I was keeping dibs on him. Do you know - within ONE week, he is actually NOW seeing an acquaintance of mine?

I feel betrayed, Bubbie, by her. But good luck to her. (Welcome to HELL, Katie.) Now she is stuck with his problems.

Honestly? I almost felt like I was having an out-of-body experience when I heard the news. I did cry. I was numb.

Then a light bulb went off. I feel so fortunate he could date someone so soon, because now I know I'll never go back. I am so disgusted by him.

If I feel myself slipping, I'm going to think of his fat belly and dirty belly button and her touching it! Ick!

I'll sign this,

Finally free,
Jenny


Dear Jenny,

You know that you had me laughing at your letter. Nothing like having a visual to get over someone! You are going to be fine. You're a smart girl. Keep in touch. And have MANY a Happy Sunday!

Follow-up from Cindy Replies!

Dear Bubbie,

I'm sorry I never did make an appointment with you. Maybe one day I will. While I appreciate your good advice and Nessa and Monkey Man's (Monkey Man???) input, I didn't keep my resolve. My boyfriend promised me that he and Joan are just friends and I don't have proof. Yes, I'm suspicious, but I need actual proof.

It didn't make sense to me to stay away from someone I want to be with. And he wants to be with me. He was so sad when I broke it off with him. I know it's not the ideal situation, but I'm going to stay with him until I meet someone better.

Cindy

Dear Cindy,

We're all made up differently so don't beat yourself up. Hire a private detective if you need to see 'proof'. But remember, we believe it's a trust issue and a lack of respect towards you that he doesn't honor your requests regarding Joan. Something to remember Cindy. . .life is short. I think when people have regrets over relationships - it's that they stayed too long. Wasted too much time. I hate to see you being played for a fool.

I hate to say, but I get the feeling that you think you deserve this. You're comfortable in this relationship because you're too afraid of the unknown. When the time is right for you, then you'll take off the blinders and go clearly into the future. Don't give up trying to break it off. . .it's like dieting. .sometimes the first time doesn't take! Good luck, Cindy.

Follow-up From Sept. "I TOLD YOU SO"

We requested a follow-up from Sid, who initially wrote to us that he wanted to break up with his girlfriend, but was scared of the "I told you so's" that were bound to follow. He writes:

Dear Bubbie:

Here's the follow-up you requested. The day I read your response, I broke up with my girlfriend. I had been practicing in my head for weeks.

Not ONE person said, "I told you so." Instead, I got sympathetic nods.

It turns out she WAS a psycho woman. She seemed to handle the break-up well and then she started texting me like 20 times a day. I'm not exaggerating. It's been a week since I've heard from her, so I hope she's moved on. Man, everyone was right!

Sid

Dear Sid,

I think it's always a 'red flag' when people you are close to don't care for your choice of future girlfriend. It's important not to get too involved to begin with, or try to prove them wrong from the get-go. As for her being a psycho-woman - you didn't elaborate, so I'll take your word for it. But do cut your ex some slack. The broken heart can do some pretty unreasonable things. Glad you did make the cut for both your sake's.

Bubbie