Dear Readers:
The holidays are such a double-edged sword - a blessing and such a curse.
A compassionate person can't help but think of those less fortunate as they sit down to a beautiful Thanksgiving table, with an incredible bounty of food. Some people, bless them, do volunteering at the local food banks and Salvation Army.
Some elderly parents are disappointed that their married child is spending the holiday's with the other spouse's parents rather than them.
Or it could be a young child of divorce who makes the difficult choice of spending the holidays with one parent over another.
In one particular case, a woman is upset that her grown children have chosen to stay with their father for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. She is the one who raised the children and made sure birthdays were special, while the kids would be lucky if they even heard from their Dad.
The explanation is logical and reasonable. .the father lives within driving distance while Mom is on the other coast. Yet, how can can she reconcile her hurt feelings that she will be alone - while they will all celebrate together?
How does one NOT feel hurt by what feels like a slight - even though logically, we know it isn't.
One person already told her that there is a more important plan for her than spending that time with her children. I like to think that as well. But what can we advise her so that she doesn't blame her children - or worse, herself? How can we help her make it through the holidays with contentment and peace?
Love,
Bubbie
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ReplyDeleteDear Bubbie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for bringing this woman's plight to your reader's attention. While I don't have the same personal experience to rely on I hope I can offer some advice or ideas.
My first question almost seems too obvious to ask, but here it goes anyway. Is it at all possible for mom to get to where her kids are for one of the holidays? If it is truly just a matter of locale that keeps the kids from boarding a plane, then I'm sure they wouldn't mind if she did if she is able.
If that isn't possible, and her kids can't be swayed then she, unfortunately, is going to have to accept that her adult children are making adult decisions. As tough as that sounds, it's a situation she doesn't have control over ~ but her feelings, those she can control, and guilt ~ be directed to another or inward ~ can have a much longer adverse effect than accepting the initial problem might.
And will she be really alone ~ as in ALL alone, or does she have friends or other family members to share her time with? If she is truly alone, then why not be that person to volunteer at a Shelter and give back to those less fortunate. Chances are, these people have woes that are bigger than life that may help to put life into proper perspective.
At some point, we parents have to let go of the past and move forward. And that means letting go of our children. Yes, it's easier said than done.
I have 5 grown children myself and they all live in the same town as their father(s) while I live in an entirely different country. It's tough at the holidays when I don't get to see them ~ but I make sure to make every effort to be as much a part of their day as possible. I'll be sure to send cards and/or gifts and make all the appropriate phone calls. And then, when I can make it, I go for a visit and it becomes just as special as the holidays because that's how I set it up!
I went for a visit on my birthday a couple of years ago and all 5 kids took me out to my favorite restaurant. They made a big fuss over it all and even treated! What a change of pace that was.
Maybe, instead of focusing on holiday time, your writer can look at all of the other days in the year to make her own special celebration with her children. It's something that has worked for me anyway.
I hope this helps ~ it's a little discombobulated, but, then again...I'm just free associating here.
Smiles and the best of luck to her,
Chef Kar
Chef Kar has hit on many good suggestions.
ReplyDeleteHow we think of things affect how we feel. As hard as it is, we must change our perspective. There are always choices. They may not be the perfect ones we wish for but by consciously making a choice we feel more in control and therefore we feel better.
Don't focus on what you don't have. Look at what you do have and be thankful for that and participant in it fully.
With all the germs on flights today (H1N1), I'd almost call the kids and tell them how smart they are to stay put - much as you're going to miss them. Tell them you'd feel horrible if they got sick while they were here or back home. Of course I love what Nessa and ChefKar had to offer, don't you? Take it to heart. Looking forward to hearing from you either this comment section or write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com
ReplyDeleteMy daughter will be spending Thanksgiving with her father, and I will be anywhere but home. I'll either go gamble or volunteer somewhere. I find I miss her much less that way.
ReplyDelete