Dreading the Holidays

Dear Bubbie,

I knew when I married my husband that his family came first - meaning his three horrible brothers. When they come for visits (which is often), they take over the house. I am the fifth wheel. Ignored. Disregarded. Tolerated. I am the outsider in my own home.

I love my husband and this is a tricky situation, because it's the only time he won't bend. Over time (three years), my resentment has grown to such an extent that I totally dread Thanksgiving. And December, because who knows who is going to tell us they're going to be at our house for Christmas.

Can anything be done to help me through this?

Signed,

Losing It

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Dear Losing It,

I'm sure you have peacefully and calmly tried talking to your husband at a 'good' time for him (timing is everything). If you haven't, you must let him know - in a nice tone of voice - that YOU - not his brothers - are the #1 Family Priority. You shouldn't have to be subjected to rude, obnoxious behavior by anyone in your house - let alone your husband's relatives.

If possible, try to take the compromising route on both sides.

Write down the things about the visits that disturb you the most. See if hubby will alleviate any of your aggravations with fixable solutions. If he agrees - make a colorful poster, hang it in the bedroom with the new set of boundaries. (This way, he can't say he forgot or it wasn't mentioned.) Make sure you include on the poster: "I love you" or "You're My Hero" or "Thank You" with hearts.

If there's no compromise on his part, you could do what my friend, Cindy does. . .

When her husband's family is in town, she actually gets a motel room. It sounds awful to be chased out of your own home, but she looks at it as an opportunity for her own vacation. She said she doesn't want to see her home taken over, so since she can't change it - this is what works for her.

If you can't afford a motel, then just do a day trip or spend the day with your family/friends.

I know you didn't get married to spend the holidays without your husband. But, I wouldn't make my life miserable either by tolerating bad treatment during the holidays. If hubby doesn't compromise - it doesn't say much for the relationship if he chooses to spend the day with his brothers over you. Don't cook for them or clean up after them.

Try to continue to be loving throughout the entire dialogue instead of angry at him. Perhaps he'll 'hear' you better. Good luck and I hope somehow there is a happier turkey day awaiting you.

Love,
Bubbie