Heartbroken for the Holidays

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From our DearBubbie Facebook Page files.

Dear Bubbie:

Lately my hearts just been aching. Its coming up on the death of one of my best friends, my other friend had a baby who is not doing well- constantly having open heart surgery & having all kinds of additional problems, and to make it worse I found someone I really care about...problem is he's made it clear he's not looking for anything serious & is seeing other people BUT he fights the fact that he really likes me more than he wants to...just my luck (w/ guys), feeling a little sad. My hearts just been hurting...

Signed,
Anonymous

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First, thank you for letting us try to help you. Did you know that those who actually SEEK help are the first to recover. I'm going to start by saying TAKE ONE SAD THOUGHT at a time. If any of us took ALL our problems and tackled them all at once - it would seem too big to manage. I'm looking forward to comments from our Bubbies to advise you on the problems they think they can help you handle. In the meantime, hang in. . help is on its way!

Janet

Definitely...one thing at a time, or you, yourself will be crushed. And-if you are down and out, you can't help those you care about. And it sounds like you want to offer as much support to your friends as you can in their times of need. As for the love interest.....you can't make anyone do or feel something. It hurts you, but it's also domething you have no control over. I know-doesn't make it hurt any less. xxxoo to you.

DearBubbie
Janet - excellent point! So, let's start with something SHE does have control over - the GUY! There is nothing like a wishy-washy man, who wants to keep a woman at bay, while he looks around for a greener pasture. He leads her on so he doesn't lose her and somehow gets away with terrible behavior that is damaging to her self-esteem. What in the... See More HECK would you want with a man who wants to be free to see others? Is that in your description of your perfect man? His inability to commit to only you SPEAKS LOUDER than his words. Are you in too deep to dump him? Break it off with this indecisive man. If this were love, he wouldn't do this to you. THIS you are in control over. Doing the holidays ALONE beats "doing the guy" and then hoping he doesn't have a date for New Year's Eve.

Joan

i agree: one thing at a time and starting with item you can act on, the "found someone I really care about." what does that mean: 2 weeks ago or two years ago? really care? does that mean love, admire, respect? or so nice to have someone to go out with? for sex? or ?
Yesterday

Rebecca

Following the idea of taking one thing at a time, and following the idea that the guy is the topic that you can try and solve the with the most control (as if controlling our emotions is easy), I have to ask if perhaps some of the appeal of this guy is 1) you found a guy you can click with and 2) he isn't flocking to you. The elusive guy is, ... See Moreunfortunately, one of the most appealing guys - but for all the wrong reasons. You may want to ask what it is about this relationship that is good for you. I have learned that if it is not based on good, nurturing things, it is not in the end good for us and it will not last - despite our insistence. It will, however, bring drama to your life...but at a cost.
A guy that dates other women and is telling you how amazing you are, is talking out of both sides of his mouth. He will say enough to keep you hooked, but not give enough to get hooked. Not necessarily a bad guy, but self-centered and certainly not ready yet for the relationship you're looking for

Antonio

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend of 25 years April 21 this year. I sympathize with you for your loss. As for matters of the heart I will be direct. Watch with your eyes not your ears. Actions speak louder than words. None are so blind than those who do not want to see. We deserve the best. If this guy doesn't see you as the one that compliments him you need to move on. I say cut and run. Next!There is more than one HIM out there.

Richard
Yes, Antonio, there is and I have been biting my tongue for days. I have learned my lesson and will repent...possibly soon. But, until that time, I will politely raise my hand (and blood pressure) and chime in. I am not entirely sure what Antonio means by "compliments". Do you actually mean "complements"? "Goes well together" rather than to "say ... See Moresomething pleasing to another"? While nice, I do not need someone to compliment me and I hope and pray that I have enough self-esteem to keep it that way. I do, however, want/need someone that "complements" me and vice versa. Which brings me to my point...It seems VERY clear to me that "he" (and that will be addressed next) has been EXTREMELY honest with you from jump street. I quote.."he's made it clear he's not looking for anything serious & is seeing other people BUT he fights the fact that he really likes me more than he wants to." The only "facts" you seem to have presented here are that he has made it clear he wants to see other people, but he does enjoy dating you. I am fairly confident you are "assuming" that he likes you more than he wants to...Finally, before I lose the last bit of sanity I have left, the WHOLE discussion should have started out by being "non-gender specific"!! You young ladies are just as guilty, if not more, than the guys are of being misleading and "out looking for greener pastures"...Final thought...I still don't understand why A PERSON can go out with a lot of PEOPLE and still have an amazing time with you....Banished (or soon will be) Bubbie

Karis
So many good Bubbie comments, I'm not sure I can add anything ~ except that I understand matters of the heart as I am facing the holidays with challenges as well. The two things that help me the very most have had the most powerful effect on me whenever I am faced with a struggle:1) What do I have control over? This issue has been adequately addressed with regards to the "boy". We are not privy to the details of this relationship, so making concrete suggestions may be difficult. Suffice it to say, however, you must look out for yourself...no one will do it for you in the end. If the relationship is meant to be ~ it will survive you honoring your own goals and intentions. If you do not wish to be the "fall back" girl, let go of this man. Damn is it ever hard to do ~ I speak with a HEAP of experience right now. If it is a commitment you want, he is not the man for you ~ at least not now. Antonio took the words out of my mouth, "actions speak louder than words".2) When you are overwhelmed and awash with emotions that break your heart ~ get out of yourself. Do something kind for another person. There is someone that is hurting more than you, there always is. Extend your hand and help that person in anyway you see fit. It is the very best suggestion I can offer to help remove the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that come from your message to Bubbie. What can you do to honor the memory of your friend that has passed on? What does your friend with the baby need? A meal brought in? A few hours to herself? What can you do to help her?... See MoreThat is what I have for today. That and the Serenity Prayer ~ I revert to that on a frequent basis to remind myself that I only have control over me.

Your comments are welcome!