Dead Spouse is Still Alive in Her World

Dear Bubbie,

Maybe you or your community can help my daughter, who lost her husband five years ago. She is a beautiful young woman of 31, with a five year old son. She is devoted to her child and happy in her world, but one can never bring up her meeting a special someone again.

To quote her: "Oh no, I feel like I'm still married. He's not here in the way that we hoped, but he's still here and I'm still married to him."

Honestly, it shuts people up quickly - as I see a look of surprise come over their faces.

I'd love for her to meet someone, but as time passes, I see that her position grows stronger over the years. How can I get her to see reality? She really is closed off to any opportunity.

Love,
A Concerned Mother

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Dear Concerned Mother,

Bubbie can't even begin to imagine the horror and pain of losing a spouse, especially when you have an infant son and the whole world in front of you. We e-mailed a couple of letters back and forth and you said she is a functioning adult with a good job that involves travel and she shows interest in her appearance.

You also let me know what a good mother she is to her son - and that the male influence in her son's life is your husband (his Grandfather).

Don't you think that we use all kinds of 'tools' to help us deal with the unthinkable? In this case, this is how your daughter is handling her post-traumatic stress - by believing that her husband is walking side by side with her, and helping her raise their son. She just can't see him.

Therapy is completely out of the question, because if one does not want help, they won't see a therapist. You can always suggest it, however, in case there's anything else that burdens her. Then perhaps as a sidebar, the invisible husband issue can come up. Would she go for a support group for single parents? Or maybe she could start a group of her own?

Sometimes, all it takes is a trigger word and a light bulb goes off. I know for you as a Mother, it's hard to see your daughter all alone. And when her child turns 18, she will really be alone.

While I wouldn't go along with her delusions, I certainly wouldn't bring it up every chance I had. I think it's admirable that her son comes first - and more Mothers should be putting their children first (over possible dates with a new potential mate). A mother has to live her own life, but she brought a kid into this world and for better or worse, this child must be a priority. Maybe in the back of your daughter's head, she may be waiting for the child to go off to college or when he's less needy of her attentions. We never know exactly what she may be thinking.

Bubbie thinks that nature should take its course. Maybe a man will come into her life as a friend first . Or possibly she'll meet a man in a similar situation. If she's a happy, productive, healthy adult, then perhaps - even though five years have passed - she will come to terms with reality. Don't let your daughter's situation become your problem. It could be way worse.

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