Her Boyfriend Doesn't Like her Kids!

From the DearBubbie@Yahoo.com Mailbox: "I've been dating a man for over two years. I've never felt this way before and neither has he (we're in our late 30's); But, he isn't connecting to my kids. He says they're 'great', but there is no bonding and no support. Everythiing else is great. I don't know what to do. There could be problems... in the future, because I really did want a man to love my kids. .
Signed, Should We End It?"

These comments come from our DearBubbie Facebook Page. Of course we'd love to hear from you, too!


Lyn
If he isn't there for your children, is there really a future in this relationship? You might still date him, but I think I'd keep my eyes open for someone who does relate to the children and would bond with them and more. But that's just mho. Good luck!

Chris
How old are the kids? And how do they feel about bonding with another man that is not their Father? Bonding with a child can be tough even when you want to with all of your heart. And what do you mean by "there is no support?"

Richard
I suppose the "thinning of the herd" principle does not apply. Cats (and Rex) will always be there in a pinch...


DearBubbie
I'm so sorry to leave out the kids ages. I edit A TON to fit in the word limit. Two nine-year old boys and one six-year old girl. They do sports, but he'll opt out of watching them and leave that to Mother (even though he does sports himself). He picks and chooses - rather than really being a part of the brood.

Janet Bishop Castro
His actions indicate what kind of step father he would be. He is not only NOT supportive of the kids...he is not supportive of the mother. If he won't become part of the family, he will always be an outsider, and that won't work.

Chris Mucklow Meyer
I think at such a young age that the Mother really needs to be concerned about finding someone that can bond better with the kids. But even at that young age the kids could be giving off vibes that they don't want him around and maybe he is respecting that. Has she been on her own for long? The state offers an excellent class on dealing with ... See Morechildren of a divorce. When my husband divorced, I found it absolutely necessary to attend that class with him, so I could try to relate to what his 17 yr old daughter was going through. Her future step Dad did not. And even though she has not bonded with either step parent at least I can relate and empathize with what she was going through. Boys and girls handle divorce differently and the ages have different reaction levels as well. See if she can get the boyfriend to attend a class like this. It is a few hours, one night. If he shows no interest, that can be important. He may have no intention of ever wanting to bond. And maybe he just doesn't know what to do. Has she actually brought up her concern to him? Some men are just awkward around kids. Doesn't mean they don't love them any less. This is a tough subject because we don't know all of the details. Meeting a future spouse with children has a lot of issues to tackle. You need a very loving and understanding partner. If he is not those two things, I would move on!

The Follow-UPFOLLOW-UP From the Mailbox: "It is so hard to find the right person. He is RIGHT in every way, but to be honest...it's like I'm dealing with another child who wants attention. Sometimes I feel like he resents the attention I give to my kids, even though he thinks I'm a great mother. He's everything, but the ONE thing.... . .will this change over time?"

Janet
Have to laugh. I had one like that. He actually got upset when I bought sweat bands for my daughter (she had taken up racquetball), and didn't pick up anything for him! Notice the word 'h-a-d'.


Karis
Oooo.....more information. Okay, not likely that he will change pouting for the attention, especially if he's in his late 30s. Those are personality traits that are probably pretty firmly ingrained. My ex-husband pouted too. Notice the word "e-x".Funny Janet! Did I marry your ex?


DearBubbie
Marriage makes problems worse - not better. When someone didn't connect with my dog, they were out the door. And my dog tested my dates. I didn't care WHO they were. Yes, I was wrong - I was SINGLE for FOREVER as a result. Now I have someone who LOVED my dogs, barks and all. I desperately wanted to bond with my husband's kids - but they were ... See Morereally too different. (In example, DearBubbie is girly-girl; his 19-year old daughter wanted a BB gun and a knife for Xmas). BubbyHubby feels that his kids were part of his PAST life that I didn't choose - so it's up to me if I wanted to be a part of it or not. However, he didn't have custody. I think if any man makes you feel badly about having kids - or you start thinking things would be different if you didn't have the kids, I'd get rid of him quickly. Having kids was probably the best thing you've ever done and being a great Mom is a priority. If the man in your life doesn't 'get that' and love you for that, it's time to let go. The RIGHT person for you and your kids is out there. It just can't be the right person for you. . . Karis - it is amazing the tight bond that you helped created between all your kids. I was always surprised to hear you say you had five kids - when I knew you biologically had three. That is wonderful This guy has no kids - I think she needs to move on - unless he has some kind of breakthrough.


Rebecca
Caution: You want a partner, not competition for your children. Does he not come to their events because they are the center of attention, and not him? Is he uncomfortable in those situations and somehow finds a way to bring the attention back to him by moping, withdrawing, passively getting angry, finding something else to do and only being there... See More for things on his terms - regardless of your feelngs? After two years, if there were going to be the connection you want for them, there would be one already. The kids are only going to become more self-centered and demanding as they get out of the "cute" stage that yours are in. If he can't take it now, how will he take it then? Does he realize how important this is to you? If he does, he's either incapable or unwilling. Is either one something you can live with?


DearBubbie
Janet - I always NOD with your comments. You're an excellent Bubbie contributor.


Janet I've made alot of mistakes. LOL Still make some, but not the same ones.


Karis Janet ~ learning from our past mistakes is an empowering feeling, isn't it? Now ~ if we could just eliminate them altogether!

Sarah Cross
sounds like she has much more insight into whats going on than she gives herself credit for. If He is competing for attention than he isn't someone I'd want around my kids.


DearBubbie
Nodding, nodding Rebecca and Sarah. Key here also is - he probably won't change. And also what Rebecca said - when they're out of their cute stage, things will probably get worse. I think she's hoping he will change. . .


Janet Something many of we women often think we can do, and try to do-change things/people. the nurturing part of our spirit is to want to make everything better...kiss the boo-boos away.


David
It is never good when your hopeful and dream man, competes for attention with your children and others. And in his late 30's...not good at all. He is set in his ways, granted some people can change. But I gather that he is used to being pampered, and being number one. Honey find a real man and one that can be a great addition to your household, instead of a deterrent.

Tatiana AGREED!! If he resents the attention you give your children, he should be OUT THE DOOR! TRUST me, I know what I'm talking about on this one....I had a very bad experience with my daughter with a bad boyfriend. Enough said.

Michael Even if it could change (which I personally doubt), it wouldn't happen fast enough.Keep looking.
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Karis
Wow ~ this one is a toughie. We always want our mates to love our children. That's human nature. They are young enough, but if they have a strong relationship with their own father (which wasn't mentioned), may not be emotionally mature enough to separate the two. As for the boyfriend...he's dating a woman with kids and as such, it would be nice to be a part of the "brood"...he kind of signed on for it by dating a woman with kids. That being said, it takes time from all parties to build solid and trusting relationships...especially with young children who may not trust their environment and subconsciously not wanting to get hurt.And...dating and living together are also entirely different animals. If this couple decides to live together the dynamics will change. It is not this mans responsibility to support the activities of the children ~ sure, it would be nice, but he has a life outside of the "brood" ~ mom does not.I blended my young children with a man and his 2 children many years ago (our daughters were only 3 when we met). My children had/have a wonderful relationship with their own father and no need to look elsewhere for a father figure. The same was true of my step-children. When we moved in together, our dynamics changed and we were BOTH more physically supportive of the schedules that needed to be kept. We both shuttled each others kids around, though I did much more so than he. I think that's just me as a mom. I didn't complain and looked at the time as an opportunity to bond with all the kids.... See MoreThe relationships that were formed were all different and always evolved. I was closer with his children than he ever was with mine. I knew he cared about them, but I never insisted that he love or support them. I did insist he love and support me, as his spouse.We have now been divorced for 5 years. The relationships that remain intact are the most beautiful. Our collective 5 now-adult children remain best friends and all live within 10 minutes walking distance of one another. They never refer to one another as step-brother, or step-sister. That is the silver lining that was my cloud of divorce.Sorry for the long post Bubbie. This one hit a few chords :-)

Chris
That is great Karis!


Karis
Chris ~ they are all amazing kids. And I forgot to mention that I remain in constant contact with my step-children. I can't say the same for my ex-husband with my children. He does see them occasionally, but only if they happen to be with his kids.My step-son has his mother and I listed as his "parents" on FB, omitting his dad. Speaks volumes, in the end. When I'm asked how many children I have my response has always been "5". I never divorced the kids and take great pride in my part in raising them...ALL!!... See MoreTough topic all the way around.

Sarah How about before we damn the man and tell the gal to pitch in the towel - They plan a outing together. A Camping Trip would be perfect. This is not only a bonding opprotunity it is a situation he can't opt out of. Once you got him out there he will be forced to work with the kids/family as a whole. It could be eye opening. I say a 2 day camping ... See Moretrip to a place where they have some fun activities would be great - like canoeing etc. Sometimes its hard to bond with other people's kids, that doesn't mean the guy doesn't care... maybe he just needs that break through moment.


Rebecca
Interesting topic. With kids of that age, there is going to be a long time that this guy would be a father figure. You have to make sure you make the right choice for you and for them and realize that you are making a decision for those kids that they have no choice in. If he is not going to attach after two years, then he's not going to. He's ... See Morenot concerned with helping the kids through the adjustment that they are going through. C'mon. He's had more than ample opportunity and he obviously realizes that it is difficult for you. If he's not willing to get outside of himself and do his best for you and for those kids, he doesn't have it in him for whatever reason. Either decide that your choice for you is more important than the right choice for your kids, or send him packing and wish him well. Your children deserve an engaged step-father and if he hasn't given it his best in 2 years' time, he won't and you'll be stuck for the rest of your life trying to force your picture of a happy family when you just chose the wrong guy. I have 3 boys and there are plenty of men willing to give it their whole heart - it's a matter of which one is right for them, and for you, because it can't be just you, and it can't be just them. Don't settle for less just to keep the companionship of a man who doesn't fulfill one of the biggest desires of a woman - a loving, engaged family. You will never be happy with such big part of your heart unsatisfied.

Karis
Sarah ~ I think that is a stellar idea. Camping wouldn't be my "personal" choice unless it was a B&B campground ;-) ... but an excursion for a couple of days of some kind. You do bring up a good point for the guy as well. As I said, it all takes time.

Janet I am in full agreement with Rebecca. Two years is plenty of time for things to happen naturally. Don't believe in 'forcing' a relationship, which all of the mentioned bonding exercises/lessons suggest.


Sarah
when I was Young day to day life was not enough to bond me and my step father. We damn near hated eachother - but as I matured and we were forced through DIFFICULT situations together we bonded. We are VERY VERY close now. These kids are young and may be giveing off the "you aren't my daddy" vibes. Good Luck to the Gal making the decisions!

Michelle
Would he ever be the kind of father you would admire? What does all of this predict about the kind of step-parent he will be to your children? Has he ever participated in parenting workshops? Most importantly, Is he even open to talking about any of this, or does he just turn a deaf ear? Sorry, but it sounds to me like you have reached make-it-or-break-it time...


Chris Mucklow Meyer
Sarah hit the nail on the head. Kids can really send the signal to go away! It takes a strong person to love them anyway. Her step dad was probably a very strong person and a good man. I hope those traits work out for me in the end with my step daughter. I only wish I had had the chance with her when she was a very young child, not at 17 yrs ... See Moreold. My husband have talked about adopting from the Foster care system here in Kentucky. And boy don't I know that it will most likely be very rocky and heart breaking at times. (Maybe you could address that topic another day Bubbie!)Communication is key between this woman and man she is dating. He has to be all for it. If she is not openly asking him, she may come to find out that he may not ever really be interested in being a family. Then, the ball is all in her court.

Chris Mucklow Meyer
Karis. Your story is wonderful. My ex that I lived with for several years has a daughter the same age as me. We are still very close friends and I love her children like they were my own family. Her husband and I also chat on the phone if he happens to answer. I also keep in touch with my ex's, ex wife, who is a wonderful Mother and ... See MoreGrandmother! My ex was very selfish with his time and I made the effort to spend more time with his family and Grandchildren than he did. Some men do NOT outgrow the attention needing stage. So Bubbie, tell this woman that is asking for advice, that I found that if a man is not interested in giving up "his" time, he will not share his time better with age!!!!


David Wood
After 2 years into the relationship and still no bonding with your children, as young as they are. Something is not right, over the years I have dated women with very young to teenage children. I never had a problem bonding, no matter how young or old. He needs to find a common interest they can all be comfortable with. Does he scold the children when your not around? Does he try to take an interest in each one, and do fun things with them? If not I would think about moving on.

Karis
Interesting twist to my blended family story Chris...my first husband (father of my children) and my step-children (from my second husband) are also VERY close. He also accepted them as HIS own because of the relationship they had with our children. This past Christmas at the dinner table was: My first husband, his partner, myself and my 5 children. Interesting choice of where to spend Christmas evening for my step-children I would say. Again, very telling. (Do you need a flow-chart?) :-)


David
My first wife had a 3 month old son when I met her, I raised him as my own for 17 years even after she left he lived with me. To this day he calls me dad because we bonded so well, and I consider his boys as my grand-sons. Didn't mead to get off the topic.


Chris
Karis, I am following that flow chart just fine. We had many Christmas/Thanksgiving dinners like that. I offered to hold the dinner at our home once because there would be so many guests crammed into Grandma's little condo. My ex blew his stack! He did not want his own Grandchildren running around the house... they could break something. I ... See Morejust couldn't believe what I was hearing. I guess he thought his "things" were more precious than the family gathering. It would not have been a problem on my part to put such said "things" out of the reach of little fingers! Again, it boils down to the importance of family.
Fri at 11:08am · · Report

Karis
David ~ I think any of the "off topic" experiences may assist this woman. Collectively many of us have dealt with similar circumstances. What screams out loud and clear to me is this: 1) People don't change, not all that much; 2) A needy person is a needy person, putting their needs above all others...a mother of young children that has her ... See Morepriorities set to be those of her children should not have to give into the needs of late-30-something adult male; and 3) It sounds as though this woman, who cares for this man a great deal, also cares for the well-being of her children. It doesn't sound like this man fits the "full package" bill that both she and her kids deserve.Time to start fresh...

Judy
End it. Period.

Chris
David, my real father died before I was born and my Mom and Dad married when I was a toddler. He adopted me and raised me as his own. My Grandparents that live with me now that I care for, are not "blood" related but they always treated me as real Grandparents. I always love it when someone tells me I look like my Dad or my Grandmother. We all ... See Morejust smile. My Mother was very lucky to have found someone willing to take on a toddler and a woman that had a horrific experience finding her new husband dead. Mom was only 18 yrs old when this happened. She did not even know she was pregnant yet. Big undertaking for a man in his early twenties. My parents are still married.


Judy
My step father didn't try to be my dad but he did charm me in other ways and still does to this day. I made sure he was a huge part of my wedding day too. He's loved and taken great care of my mother for 28 years and now he's all of the sudden having to have chemo treatments three weeks a month. My dad's gone three years now and he's been even ... See Moremore of a dad than my "own" dad was. I think I'll start calling him dad now. Just thought of that. I think he'll like it during his final days with us.

Rebecca
All great posts... I wonder, if he hears her needs and it remains unresolved, he's jealous of her attention towards the kids, if he puts himself to the side of the biggest part his lady's life because it doesn't revolve around him, might there be a thread of self-centeredness and lack of empathy in other parts of their relationship? Maybe, if you look closely? If you really want to, that is? We all see what we want to see until we're ready to see it with honest eyes.

Rebecca
Judy, great story of love for your mother, and in turn, love for her children. Wow. I think calling him Dad would be an incredible gift...because, in fact, it sounds like he's been one without the name. My heart is with you during a very diffcult time for him and for the people that love him.

Rocco
As a man who has dated ladies with children who never has trouble connecting because I am "Made To Entertain Children", as I have been told, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he needs to find some kind of common ground with them to build from. Sports, cartoons, kids movies, school, ..... SOMETHING.... and then he needs to interact ... See Morewith them in a solo capacity without your influence for an hour or two at a time... not much more... not much less.... THEN if it doesnt' work out with them kick him to the curb.. nicely, of course... RAT

Chris
Ah, Rocco, I knew you would like this page. A bunch of writers with opinions... you will fit right in! I can attest that Rocco is made to entertain children!The only worry I would have with any man I am dating taking my kids solo, would be a trust issue these days. Do your background checks ladies. And be careful that their Dad does not have ... See Morea major problem with this idea. Rocco, how would you feel about your daughter spending solo time with your ex's "new" boyfriend? And how would you handle it?


Rose
If this man isn't connecting with your children now, he probably never will. Unfortunately, if he isn't connecting with your children, he's not really connecting with you either.


Rebecca
Rose! Concise and so right. Wish I could write like that!

DearBubbie
Don't you hate it when someone says something in two sentences that takes you a page and a half to write?!? Way to go, Rose. Incredibly -there are exceptions. . .I tried connecting with my husband's kids - but they simply don't want to connect. Fortunately, my husband never blamed me, but kind of saw his kids in a different light. But I digress. ..


DearBubbie
Judy - thank you so much for sharing that. You and Chris have great Dads. Your Moms did good by you. .


Chris
Yes, sometimes I even need to remind my Mom! Thanks Jules!

Rose
Thank you for the compliments :-)


Maria
You'll eventually wind up fighting. Your children are a part of you forever. There will be growing problems as the kids develop and become teens. They will need a father figure. Sounds like this person won't be there for them, so he will be no partner to you. Save yourself heartache, end it now!