Dating Age Differences/discrimination

This post comes from the DearBubbie Facebook Page. Feel free to comment as well.


DearBubbie
The Topic is Age Discrimination in Dating. Why do the older men (and some who will lie) ONLY date younger women? Women, have you ever been a cougar and how did it work out? Men, what are/were your age restrictions?

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Jeff
Simple instinct, having to do with reproduction.

Janet
I've had relationships with a few men who were younger than I. Even married one of them. While I would not have considered myself a cougar (I was in my 20's, and another time 40), none of those relationships lasted. The men were too immature, and didn't get where I was coming from (experience-wise). Have also dated men 10 years older than myself, and that didn't last, either. I like them older by about 5 years, and am happily married to one. HOWEVER-I've also seen relationships where the woman is old enough to be the guy's mother, and it has worked out well. I think this is just a matter of personal preference. As for the men who only date much younger women, I have questions about just how in-depth their relationships are. Remember 'Shallow Hal'?

Janet
Exactly, Jeff. If it's all about sex (reproduction), how deep is their relationship? BTW-good to see you comment on here!

Jen
From someone who spent 7 years madly in love with a man almost 21 years older, I can tell you that our relationship was very "in-depth". Granted he was perhaps the most vain person I've known...but that doesn't change the connection we shared. NOW, however...I want younger...does that make me a cougar? Same age, a few years younger, it's all good.

Karis
Okay ~ been a cougar. Didn't work so well with the man that lied about his age to appear older (who the hell wants to be OLDER?). There was a 19-year age difference. I don't think the age difference would have been such a factor if he hadn't lied about it. RED FLAG from the get go. As others started hoisting themselves up, I was done.Almost all the other men in Italy I've dated have been younger than I am ~ anywhere from 4-8 years. I don't count that as being a cougar though. My long-term relationship in the US was with a man 11 years older than I am. So I've had both experiences.The most important to me in a relationship is not age but common values, morals, interests. Things that actually sustain a relationship. I've met young men that are years ahead of themselves and I've met older men that don't have a Fu@king clue ~ go figure! It's a jungle out there...for the cougars, the bears, the lions and the apes!!

DearBubbie
I asked a FB male friend to comment on this topic, since he was actually angry with me for not wanting to date someone as old as he was. He only dates YOUNG YOUNG women - and they go for it. He's intelligent and charming, has 'some' money, but I was NEVER attracted. I don't know where the attraction is and these women that he did date are attractive and intelligent.


DearBubbie
I remember getting involved with a man 17 years my junior. I felt kind of embarrassed. And I kept thinking when I was OLDER, how people might think he was my SON. Fortunately, he dumped me after a VERY short amount of time. Whew!


Janet
Yes, Jen.....you two did have a wonderful relationship, and it showed. You, however, are exceptional. You are mature, and highly intelligent, and self sufficient. So-it worked for you. I am talking about the very young women who idolize the older man, thinking.....wisdom, experience, someone to look out after and provide for them. And-what's wrong with that even? Personal preference.

Chris
I prefer a man a little older than me. Men that I have dated that have been the same age or younger I have always found to be too immature for my taste. However on the flip side I have dated men that have been quite a bit older that still don't know the first thing about maturity. I , like Jen had a 5 year relationship with someone 25 plus years my senior and we had a great relationship with a lot in common as long as I was catering to his every need. Selfish like her experience. Bubbie, the attraction I think was the charm and looks and the sense that he had some stability to offer. It was after my divorce from a man that made me feel very insecure about his safety and our future together. It was never about the money, as I was too stubborn to let him "pay my way" for anything. The only thing I would accept monetary wise was a trip every year that he wanted us to go on. I did not have the savings for those kinds of trips but I did have the funds from the sale of my restaurant to take a few weeks off every year. And it was my intent to stay with this man through sickness and health. We owned 2 homes together and I was a part of his daughter's life and the life of his 3 Grandchildren in Sarasota.

Jealousy reared it's ugly head with him, not over another man, but over my love of horses. He made me choose... I don't do well with ultimatums and he didn't either! Yes, there were other differences, but none of them had to do with age!My husband now is 12 years older than me and I had to figure out the age difference this morning again as I never keep it in mind. We have many hobbies that we share and a few of our own. I feel like we share everything and feel safe with him and trust him 100 percent.So older, younger, or the same age is a matter of your preference. Don't worry about how others look at your relationship. They never know the whole story, only what they see from the outside. Listen to your mind first, then your heart. My only warning from experiences of my own is for woman in age range of 18-early 20's. You have the rest of your life to live your life for a man as a wife or as a Mom. Don't rush into any relationship until you have had the time to grow yourself. If a man won't support your decision to go to school or build your career before a full time relationship/marriage with him at an early age, then he probably is very selfish. You have the rest of your life! And if he really loves you, he will be there for you. Not that marriage and Motherhood at a young age are a bad thing if that is your ultimate goal.

I have several friends that were married young and are still happy 20/30 years later, and in the case of my Grandparents, 70 years later! But if you have always wanted a certain career or a college degree, or to ride across the US by motorcycle or sail around the world or volunteer as a missionary, DO IT FIRST! It will make your future relationships much stronger knowing that you didn't change your dreams for another man or for a woman. (Goes both ways here!)

Susan
I don't have much experience in this area, as I have only dated men within five years of my age, and I've been married for almost 25 years... BUT I will tell you that I work in the health care field (I am an acupuncturist), and these older men that are with younger women have the worst lower back problems I've ever seen, lol! They get treated, feel better, then they go home and get their energy drained that night and return with the pain. It's kind of funny that they just won't see this, and when I attempt to discuss it with them there's usually a pretty solid wall. From a purely physiological perspective, younger men match up much better energetically with older women. But our society doesn't really go for that theory!


Chris
Again, I wish Susan had her practice in Sarasota while I was living there and with an older man! LOL!!By the way, my first husband and I were the same age. I don't think I mentioned that. He was a very good person and a hard worker, but we just were not on the same page, at all! I should have seen it earlier, but I followed the heart, not the head!! And I did my best to make it work, and give him time, but remember that people should not change for us. They need to grow and change for themselves.

David
I have dated much younger women by up to 17 years my junior. I was up front about my age, and the age difference.I received a few remarks as to cradle robber, and the rolling of eyes from others. I did not actively seek these younger women out, they approached me. And true I could have said "NO"... I had on call me a few years back, and express that she wished she would have gotten to know me as a person, and not just for sex. I have dated older women also, I had one that was a RN, who was a widow 12 years my senior. Her deceased husband was a Doctor, she offered me what ever I wanted, but I was not for sale and just didn't feel right. Some can be very mature for their age, and some older ones can be very childish.

Susan
LOL Chris - I would have been happy to help! I just want to add that ANY age can be right for someone, as long as it's the right person. I try never to judge about what someone believes in... :)
Chris
And Bubbie, to address the issue of an older man that will ONLY date much, much younger women. He probably has some hangups of his own. And for someone to actually get mad at you for not accepting a date because of his age tells me YES, he has a issue, or two or maybe three?? There is no such thing as a perfect age in a mate. It has nothing to do with the calendar people!!

Jennifer
That's funny Susan. I'm dating a guy 6 yrs younger than me and the only time i feel old is when he talks about rappers with my kids that I have never heard of! Oh, and also when I see my gray hair, wrinkles, fat body, etc... Other than that, it's fine!

David
Very true Chris! As long as both are comfortable and compatible.

Anastashia
In my humble opinion; in general men are attracted to younger women first on a visual level. It also helps that in most cases a younger woman is willing to work harder to make the relationship last, vs. women of a certain age have more on their plate and can't spend every waking minute focused on every move their man is making.

Alisa
When it comes right down to it though, it depends on the emotional maturity of both parties, if the Maggie May/cub partnership works. If it rocks your world, does it really matter what anyone else thinks? It is your life; you are the one who decides how it is going to be lived. You just have to live with the consequences of those choices, good or bad. I’m the only one of my siblings that married someone older than themselves – so I guess cougar runs in the family….then again, I am at an age where even the younger men are older. LOL!To answer your question – and I am generalizing here guys! : Men look to procreate, women look for the best provider – it is a simple analogy but it rings true. We are just genetically built that way. Men don’t stop to consider their age as they hunt for the next partner to put the babymaker to. If it is offering, he’s likely taking. That’s how they are made. Procreate. The younger women, more likely to reproduce that say yes, are also following their inherited trait - find provider. If the older man appears interested, she is likely to use her attributes, to entice him to provide her with an evening, weekend, life that she would not alternately have. She can’t help it; she’s just drawn that way. IF I WERE A SINGLE WOMAN -------I would certainly not let age define my relationships; that said I prefer someone closer in age. I like confidence in a man, younger men often feel they have something to prove still and that can become tiresome. There is a lot of bravado in young men, a false confidence. There is something about a man who just knows; and that comes from ripening over the years. I don’t like to be with someone who hasn’t had enough life experiences to be interesting and thought provoking. I don’t want to be a teacher, nor a babysitter in my relationships. I did that with my children. If I was just looking for a sexual fling, then a younger man would be ideal – energy, enthusiasm, tight abs (smirk) and then it would be over. Ya-yas would be taken care of, no obligation to linger……. They would also be lovely arm candy for those social events that you don’t have a regular date for, so you can make your girlfriends and acquaintances drool. (okay, that was put in there for humour. Sort of. It would also be very difficult to socialize with a younger man’s friends, who are often younger still…..Think how awkward it would be, to feel like the parent at a party the younger partner invites you too? Yuck! Of course, the delicious whispers that would travel through YOUR own social circle as you introduced a cub to the gang, would be fun…for a while. (hee hee)

David
Great comment Alisa.


Sandy
I married my husband of almost 17 years when he was 24 and I was 33. We have a son that is 15 and amazing! I wouldn't change a thing. We are STILL each other's "arm candy" and it will always be that way! I still consider myself one of the "original" cougars and I love it! I say do what makes you happy. Age is a number not a prerequisite!


Sandy
That's so true, Sandy.. I love the two of you, and always thought that you belong together. I know everyone used to tease you about cradle robbing, but most of them are divorced now, lol! (not really laughing, though :) )

Jen
Thank you Janet! I think it helped that my husband did not at all LOOK 20+ years older than me...nor did he act it, and he thought it was funny and was flattered when people thought we were father/daughter. I'm going to add though that I have since dated other older men (20 or so years) that think they can "own" you based on either their money or their experience/wisdom. Who needs that? I think a younger man would be wonderfully rejuvenating! Just like kids keep you young..maybe that's a bad comparison, but I'm thinking somebody younger than me would not be jaded or cynical or have so much baggage? I'm curious though, what exactly IS a cougar...cause I don't want to be one!

Sandy
Thanks Sue! I love you guys too. I appreciate the thumbs up.When you belong together and you know it,working on it just comes naturally♥

Chris
My favorite George Strait song... It just comes Naturally. It is my ringtone when my husband calls.

Sandy
I love it !

Karis
Alisa ~ as always ~ great comments for us all :)

Alisa
Re: multiple dating... Dating and bedding are different animals. Get to know as many as you want, choose wisely who you bed! Unless there is the expectation of exclusivity from one of them, then date away. You'll find the one who is special to your heart and then you will stop the others right quick!


Michael
Historically, I never had "age restrictions" on the women I was attracted to or dated.However, I did have "maturity qualifications" and "drama-free" requirements.

Jen
Can somebody please define "cougar"?

Alisa
Woman over 35 who likes to date men younger, usually much younger and makes no excuses for it

DearBubbie
Sandy - that's a great story! Great comments!

Rebecca
I dated a wonderful vital energetic man who was a Leo with great hair--and he was 23 years older than me. At the time I was 36. I remember thinking at the time. well, are you crazy about him anyway? And the answer was YES! He never pretended to be anything other than the age he was...but there were serious INTIMACY issues...not sex...about allowing women to be close. Turns out he was in a repetitious pattern...after 5 years of crazymaking, I had to go...

Maureen
So, here I am back in the dating world after 18 years of togetherness. I am so new to this dating thing that I am bound to make some mistakes, hit a few bumps but always keeping in mind to give myself a break should I bed with the wrong fella. I only have the right intentions towards a man, no matter what their age, I am all about attraction, can they keep me laughing, are they romantic/passionate, smart, exciting, and have the stuff that can make a relationship really meaningful. No one is perfect, I know this, so I am not going to let the age of a man stop my good intentions. I'll keep looking!

Michael A.
Age restrictions were 1/2 my age + 7; now my age - 6.