Food for thought for the New Year:
Think of the following:
1. The boldest, most adventurous thing you did in '09.
2. Think of something you did this year that you hope NOT to repeat. Eeks!
3. Think of the most FUN thing you did.
4. Think of what made you feel really good.
5. Something that made you proud.
As you head into '10 - realize that #2 is behind you. That you learned a lesson and that's a good thing. You can't change it -it's done. Goodbye #2.
If there's a goal you want to achieve, go to # 1 & #5. If you were able to achieve those things - you can do the unthinkable in '10. Even if it's losing 10 pounds! You already did the bold and adventurous - you are CAPABLE. You can do it. And what fun to add it to your end of year list - that you did it. You can! You will! (Yes, with a few backward steps along the way, but you will achieve your goals.)
During our growing process, please look for ways to have fun in '10. Sometimes we have to plan our fun. I had fun getting caught in a rainstorm. It poured on me and I felt like a kid again - running through the rain. Please try to figure out a way to make a form of exercise your fun. Even if it's just dancing to a song a day. Exercise is such a release and makes us feel so good. Go to #3 to see what your fun was. And it does NOT need to include money! HAVE FUN! Laugh once a day.
Please write to DearBubbie@yahoo.com if you want any help with a goal or simply encouragement or compassion. We also have a Facebook wall - one word: DearBubbie. We would love to hear your fun stories or feel free to share what makes 'life' work for you.
As we enter into '10 - one important thing to remember is how good GIVING feels. Even if it's just a smile. We are capable of changing someone else's day in the easiest of gestures. And selfishly - we get so much back from that!
And if we screw up - please say: I'm sorry. Acknowledge your mistake.
Remember those that are least lovable, need love the most.
We all come in different shapes and sizes, some of us are alone and some married. Be around the good, positive energy. Think of others, but don't drain yourself. Know when to help and when to help yourself.
You are loved no matter who you are. You are a Bubbie. Happy New Year.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Inspirational Saying
Build your life on the firm foundation of true gratitude and true humility. Build the frame of your life out of self-discipline, never let yourself get selfish or lazy or contented with yourself. Build the walls of your life out of service to others. Build a garden around your life out of peace of mind and serenity and a sure faith..........LIVE
Love,
Bubbie
Love,
Bubbie
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Heartbroken for the Holidays
If you have a question for DearBubbie, please write to dearbubbie@yahoo.com
From our DearBubbie Facebook Page files.
Dear Bubbie:
Lately my hearts just been aching. Its coming up on the death of one of my best friends, my other friend had a baby who is not doing well- constantly having open heart surgery & having all kinds of additional problems, and to make it worse I found someone I really care about...problem is he's made it clear he's not looking for anything serious & is seeing other people BUT he fights the fact that he really likes me more than he wants to...just my luck (w/ guys), feeling a little sad. My hearts just been hurting...
Signed,
Anonymous
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First, thank you for letting us try to help you. Did you know that those who actually SEEK help are the first to recover. I'm going to start by saying TAKE ONE SAD THOUGHT at a time. If any of us took ALL our problems and tackled them all at once - it would seem too big to manage. I'm looking forward to comments from our Bubbies to advise you on the problems they think they can help you handle. In the meantime, hang in. . help is on its way!
From our DearBubbie Facebook Page files.
Dear Bubbie:
Lately my hearts just been aching. Its coming up on the death of one of my best friends, my other friend had a baby who is not doing well- constantly having open heart surgery & having all kinds of additional problems, and to make it worse I found someone I really care about...problem is he's made it clear he's not looking for anything serious & is seeing other people BUT he fights the fact that he really likes me more than he wants to...just my luck (w/ guys), feeling a little sad. My hearts just been hurting...
Signed,
Anonymous
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First, thank you for letting us try to help you. Did you know that those who actually SEEK help are the first to recover. I'm going to start by saying TAKE ONE SAD THOUGHT at a time. If any of us took ALL our problems and tackled them all at once - it would seem too big to manage. I'm looking forward to comments from our Bubbies to advise you on the problems they think they can help you handle. In the meantime, hang in. . help is on its way!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Dead Spouse is Still Alive in Her World
Dear Bubbie,
Maybe you or your community can help my daughter, who lost her husband five years ago. She is a beautiful young woman of 31, with a five year old son. She is devoted to her child and happy in her world, but one can never bring up her meeting a special someone again.
To quote her: "Oh no, I feel like I'm still married. He's not here in the way that we hoped, but he's still here and I'm still married to him."
Honestly, it shuts people up quickly - as I see a look of surprise come over their faces.
I'd love for her to meet someone, but as time passes, I see that her position grows stronger over the years. How can I get her to see reality? She really is closed off to any opportunity.
Love,
A Concerned Mother
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Concerned Mother,
Bubbie can't even begin to imagine the horror and pain of losing a spouse, especially when you have an infant son and the whole world in front of you. We e-mailed a couple of letters back and forth and you said she is a functioning adult with a good job that involves travel and she shows interest in her appearance.
You also let me know what a good mother she is to her son - and that the male influence in her son's life is your husband (his Grandfather).
Don't you think that we use all kinds of 'tools' to help us deal with the unthinkable? In this case, this is how your daughter is handling her post-traumatic stress - by believing that her husband is walking side by side with her, and helping her raise their son. She just can't see him.
Therapy is completely out of the question, because if one does not want help, they won't see a therapist. You can always suggest it, however, in case there's anything else that burdens her. Then perhaps as a sidebar, the invisible husband issue can come up. Would she go for a support group for single parents? Or maybe she could start a group of her own?
Sometimes, all it takes is a trigger word and a light bulb goes off. I know for you as a Mother, it's hard to see your daughter all alone. And when her child turns 18, she will really be alone.
While I wouldn't go along with her delusions, I certainly wouldn't bring it up every chance I had. I think it's admirable that her son comes first - and more Mothers should be putting their children first (over possible dates with a new potential mate). A mother has to live her own life, but she brought a kid into this world and for better or worse, this child must be a priority. Maybe in the back of your daughter's head, she may be waiting for the child to go off to college or when he's less needy of her attentions. We never know exactly what she may be thinking.
Bubbie thinks that nature should take its course. Maybe a man will come into her life as a friend first . Or possibly she'll meet a man in a similar situation. If she's a happy, productive, healthy adult, then perhaps - even though five years have passed - she will come to terms with reality. Don't let your daughter's situation become your problem. It could be way worse.
Any suggestions from our Facebook and Blogspot friends will be passed along to our writer.
Maybe you or your community can help my daughter, who lost her husband five years ago. She is a beautiful young woman of 31, with a five year old son. She is devoted to her child and happy in her world, but one can never bring up her meeting a special someone again.
To quote her: "Oh no, I feel like I'm still married. He's not here in the way that we hoped, but he's still here and I'm still married to him."
Honestly, it shuts people up quickly - as I see a look of surprise come over their faces.
I'd love for her to meet someone, but as time passes, I see that her position grows stronger over the years. How can I get her to see reality? She really is closed off to any opportunity.
Love,
A Concerned Mother
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Concerned Mother,
Bubbie can't even begin to imagine the horror and pain of losing a spouse, especially when you have an infant son and the whole world in front of you. We e-mailed a couple of letters back and forth and you said she is a functioning adult with a good job that involves travel and she shows interest in her appearance.
You also let me know what a good mother she is to her son - and that the male influence in her son's life is your husband (his Grandfather).
Don't you think that we use all kinds of 'tools' to help us deal with the unthinkable? In this case, this is how your daughter is handling her post-traumatic stress - by believing that her husband is walking side by side with her, and helping her raise their son. She just can't see him.
Therapy is completely out of the question, because if one does not want help, they won't see a therapist. You can always suggest it, however, in case there's anything else that burdens her. Then perhaps as a sidebar, the invisible husband issue can come up. Would she go for a support group for single parents? Or maybe she could start a group of her own?
Sometimes, all it takes is a trigger word and a light bulb goes off. I know for you as a Mother, it's hard to see your daughter all alone. And when her child turns 18, she will really be alone.
While I wouldn't go along with her delusions, I certainly wouldn't bring it up every chance I had. I think it's admirable that her son comes first - and more Mothers should be putting their children first (over possible dates with a new potential mate). A mother has to live her own life, but she brought a kid into this world and for better or worse, this child must be a priority. Maybe in the back of your daughter's head, she may be waiting for the child to go off to college or when he's less needy of her attentions. We never know exactly what she may be thinking.
Bubbie thinks that nature should take its course. Maybe a man will come into her life as a friend first . Or possibly she'll meet a man in a similar situation. If she's a happy, productive, healthy adult, then perhaps - even though five years have passed - she will come to terms with reality. Don't let your daughter's situation become your problem. It could be way worse.
Any suggestions from our Facebook and Blogspot friends will be passed along to our writer.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Dear Bubbie -
I'm preparing in advance for a Christmas Day alone. I'll be fine, but would like to make it a real nice day versus feeling sorry for myself.
Do you have any suggestions about what I can do - like a Things To Do List - to make it one of the best Christmases ever?
Love,
Terah
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Dear Terah,
I asked our followers on the Dearbubbie Facebook Page for some suggestions, and this one came from one of the readers:
Rent a movie and chinese food afterward!
I kind of like that one, Terah!
My typical advice is to start the day with exercise. Even if you just dance WILDLY to a couple of songs on the radio. Getting outside and breathing in the fresh air is great, too. I'm in Florida, so I don't know what it really means to get out in the snow. I'd build a snowman - that would make me happy. (And I'd consider that exercise!)
I'm wondering if there's something you've always wanted to try. . like painting or making candles. I'd go to your local craft shop and try to make something - from a scarf to a necklace with beads? Treat yourself to a crafty kit and make something.
I'd try to CLEAN the house the day before Christmas. Don't do anything you 'have to do' on Christmas - unless you WANT to. I say do something FUN, while accomplishing and creating.
And, limit yourself on the computer. Believe it or not - the computer can be a depressant.
Let us know what you end up doing. You're smart to plan in advance - but you never know what other surprises will await you.
With love,
Your Bubbie
I'm preparing in advance for a Christmas Day alone. I'll be fine, but would like to make it a real nice day versus feeling sorry for myself.
Do you have any suggestions about what I can do - like a Things To Do List - to make it one of the best Christmases ever?
Love,
Terah
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Terah,
I asked our followers on the Dearbubbie Facebook Page for some suggestions, and this one came from one of the readers:
Rent a movie and chinese food afterward!
I kind of like that one, Terah!
My typical advice is to start the day with exercise. Even if you just dance WILDLY to a couple of songs on the radio. Getting outside and breathing in the fresh air is great, too. I'm in Florida, so I don't know what it really means to get out in the snow. I'd build a snowman - that would make me happy. (And I'd consider that exercise!)
I'm wondering if there's something you've always wanted to try. . like painting or making candles. I'd go to your local craft shop and try to make something - from a scarf to a necklace with beads? Treat yourself to a crafty kit and make something.
I'd try to CLEAN the house the day before Christmas. Don't do anything you 'have to do' on Christmas - unless you WANT to. I say do something FUN, while accomplishing and creating.
And, limit yourself on the computer. Believe it or not - the computer can be a depressant.
Let us know what you end up doing. You're smart to plan in advance - but you never know what other surprises will await you.
With love,
Your Bubbie
The Day Amanda Turned Up Missing
Man, was I upset at my husband, John, when he accidently locked me out of our home yesterday. Of course, none of this would have happened if I hadn't decided to play hooky from work.
Actually it was tennis I played. I had committed to a team that had first place riding on this away match. While I gave notice that I could not play the month of December, duty called when there was a shortage of players. So, the CLOSED sign went up at the shop and my husband drove me to our local club, where the players would pick me up. Hubby drove me, because the club agreed to let us display some paintings from my shop there and he would be hanging them in the concrete walls. (Thank you, honey.)
As usual, tennis was such a blast and we won two courts. There were actually three alligators in the water retention pond/lake near the tennis courts, but I digress.
On the way home, I was so exhausted that when we dropped off my partner who was sitting in the front seat, I just stayed in the back. I felt like I was being chauffered in a pretty red Mercedes. As soon as she pulled into my driveway, I realized - I had nothing with me. Just my racquet.
When I was single (something I say repeatedly), I could always get in my house - key or no key. Since my husband moved in, the place had become like Fort Knox. I used my friend's cellphone to call him and he did not pick up. He was making me mad. I told my friend to just take off, I would figure something out. As I walked the outer perimeter of the house, I saw the only way in was to climb over a chain link fence. Meanwhile, my dachshund was literally screaming for me to come into the house.
Since I'm not a climber, I walked over to a daycare next door and asked if I could use their phone. I'd try to call hubby again. Still no answer. And as I listened cheerfully on the exterior to the little kids telling me about their experiences with Santa Claus, inside I was seething. I told them that if they were real quiet, they could hear my dog howling. They did. "He's hungry," I told them sadly.
Okay, things were going to change around here. There is going to be a key OUTSIDE from here on in. Even meaner, I was thinking about locking HIM out of the house so he could see what it felt like. I was shivering in my sweaty tennis clothes and then looked at the time. Amanda, the 15 year old should be home from school by now. So, with the dog yelping, I banged on the door, rang the doorbell and screeched out: A M A N D A-H-H-H!!!!!!!! I looked in the house and saw it looked totally empty.
Then I remembered she said something about a FHA, FAA or FFA meeting after school, but I could have sworn she said it was Tuesday. With no answer, I went to my other neighbor's house to see if he'd climb over the chain link fence, but he wasn't home (or he very wisely pretended not to be). Finally, I pretended I was in the Amazing Race - took a hammer to a padlock and banged away until it got loose. From there, I was able to break into my house, to a very relieved dachsy.
It was about 3:30, so I showered and ate a huge lunch, which ended up also being my dinner. By the time my husband showed up, I wasn't so angry any more. I was proud that I was able to break into Fort London-Ferguson. And a new set of rules would be established - including he needed to pick up the phone when I called him - like when I was SINGLE.
As I was finishing up a salad, and John made his upteenth phone call to Amanda who was not picking up - we both decided we should head to her high school. We sat in the parking lot at the only exit - and at 4:30, I said we needed to go in. I was imagining her being nice to someone in a car and they grabbed her. Or cutting through an isolated part of the school to get home. The first chapter of Lovely Bones ran through my head.
"Okay, what was she wearing?" I asked John. "Was she wearing shorts?" (These young peeps today, wear such short shorts. Never mind that we had 'hot pants' during our high school days.) "No, she was wearing long pants."
"Okay, we're going into the administration building," I said, opening the car door.
"You're not going anywhere," John said, boldly. "You're not dressed properly." I looked at my after-shower doggie-squared housedress with a rip in it. I wasn't wearing shoes, but I was wearing a bra.
"But, it's my daughter!!!" I whined, as he shut his car door and headed to the building alone. As soon as he hit the doors to the deserted school, I saw him stop and answer his cellphone. I knew it was Amanda, but where could she have gone? I know she would have called her Dad if she was going over to a friend's house.
I thought it could have been a long-winded speaker at her How to Judge Cows meeting. But 4:30, when school lets out at 2:15? When John got back into the car, he asked me if I had checked her room. The door was shut, I said. So out of privacy, I didn't check it.
There she had slept through everything, except for when Rex was barking. "I covered my head with a pillow when I heard him crying," Amanda said, "and went back to sleep." Relieved, we all laughed about it - and were reminded of important lessons. Like, always walk with someone and be aware of your surroundings. And for me? Don't play hooky from work.
Actually it was tennis I played. I had committed to a team that had first place riding on this away match. While I gave notice that I could not play the month of December, duty called when there was a shortage of players. So, the CLOSED sign went up at the shop and my husband drove me to our local club, where the players would pick me up. Hubby drove me, because the club agreed to let us display some paintings from my shop there and he would be hanging them in the concrete walls. (Thank you, honey.)
As usual, tennis was such a blast and we won two courts. There were actually three alligators in the water retention pond/lake near the tennis courts, but I digress.
On the way home, I was so exhausted that when we dropped off my partner who was sitting in the front seat, I just stayed in the back. I felt like I was being chauffered in a pretty red Mercedes. As soon as she pulled into my driveway, I realized - I had nothing with me. Just my racquet.
When I was single (something I say repeatedly), I could always get in my house - key or no key. Since my husband moved in, the place had become like Fort Knox. I used my friend's cellphone to call him and he did not pick up. He was making me mad. I told my friend to just take off, I would figure something out. As I walked the outer perimeter of the house, I saw the only way in was to climb over a chain link fence. Meanwhile, my dachshund was literally screaming for me to come into the house.
Since I'm not a climber, I walked over to a daycare next door and asked if I could use their phone. I'd try to call hubby again. Still no answer. And as I listened cheerfully on the exterior to the little kids telling me about their experiences with Santa Claus, inside I was seething. I told them that if they were real quiet, they could hear my dog howling. They did. "He's hungry," I told them sadly.
Okay, things were going to change around here. There is going to be a key OUTSIDE from here on in. Even meaner, I was thinking about locking HIM out of the house so he could see what it felt like. I was shivering in my sweaty tennis clothes and then looked at the time. Amanda, the 15 year old should be home from school by now. So, with the dog yelping, I banged on the door, rang the doorbell and screeched out: A M A N D A-H-H-H!!!!!!!! I looked in the house and saw it looked totally empty.
Then I remembered she said something about a FHA, FAA or FFA meeting after school, but I could have sworn she said it was Tuesday. With no answer, I went to my other neighbor's house to see if he'd climb over the chain link fence, but he wasn't home (or he very wisely pretended not to be). Finally, I pretended I was in the Amazing Race - took a hammer to a padlock and banged away until it got loose. From there, I was able to break into my house, to a very relieved dachsy.
It was about 3:30, so I showered and ate a huge lunch, which ended up also being my dinner. By the time my husband showed up, I wasn't so angry any more. I was proud that I was able to break into Fort London-Ferguson. And a new set of rules would be established - including he needed to pick up the phone when I called him - like when I was SINGLE.
As I was finishing up a salad, and John made his upteenth phone call to Amanda who was not picking up - we both decided we should head to her high school. We sat in the parking lot at the only exit - and at 4:30, I said we needed to go in. I was imagining her being nice to someone in a car and they grabbed her. Or cutting through an isolated part of the school to get home. The first chapter of Lovely Bones ran through my head.
"Okay, what was she wearing?" I asked John. "Was she wearing shorts?" (These young peeps today, wear such short shorts. Never mind that we had 'hot pants' during our high school days.) "No, she was wearing long pants."
"Okay, we're going into the administration building," I said, opening the car door.
"You're not going anywhere," John said, boldly. "You're not dressed properly." I looked at my after-shower doggie-squared housedress with a rip in it. I wasn't wearing shoes, but I was wearing a bra.
"But, it's my daughter!!!" I whined, as he shut his car door and headed to the building alone. As soon as he hit the doors to the deserted school, I saw him stop and answer his cellphone. I knew it was Amanda, but where could she have gone? I know she would have called her Dad if she was going over to a friend's house.
I thought it could have been a long-winded speaker at her How to Judge Cows meeting. But 4:30, when school lets out at 2:15? When John got back into the car, he asked me if I had checked her room. The door was shut, I said. So out of privacy, I didn't check it.
There she had slept through everything, except for when Rex was barking. "I covered my head with a pillow when I heard him crying," Amanda said, "and went back to sleep." Relieved, we all laughed about it - and were reminded of important lessons. Like, always walk with someone and be aware of your surroundings. And for me? Don't play hooky from work.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Recipient of Humane Award
Thanks to the very sweet Cape Cod Woman - Snaggle Tooth - who took the time to read my VERY LONG stories about Max and Amanda. She has several blogs and the one I have read is: exitstageright. So would that be. .. www.exitstageright.blogspot.comShe gave me the fun honor of this award. This is the third thing I've "won" this year (others were monetary) and it has made Bubbie VERY happy!
Many, many thanks to a wonderful, real, relatable human being. Wish I was in the Cape to give you a hug! Or is it I wish I were. . .
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Flash 55 - Shut Up!
Even though her car passenger was chatting so happily, Eve was annoyed.
"So, when are we going to see your Dad?" she inquired. The answer resulted in raucous laughter.
Eve snapped. "You know, really!"
"What?"
"You're being RUDE!"
The rest of the ride was in stormy silence, as the passenger clicked her cellphone shut.
"So, when are we going to see your Dad?" she inquired. The answer resulted in raucous laughter.
Eve snapped. "You know, really!"
"What?"
"You're being RUDE!"
The rest of the ride was in stormy silence, as the passenger clicked her cellphone shut.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
A Strong Foundation for the Three of Us. . .
To say I'm protective of my home, is like saying Santa Claus is from the North Pole. It's not so much the structure or contents, but what "home" represents to me.
After being single for so many years, it was a piece of cake to keep the household free of fighting, misunderstandings and someone else's baggage. A stable home life is something I worked hard for - financially and otherwise. It's my safe place - where the crazies can't get to me (except through the nightly news or e-mail, hello channel remote and delete key). There is enough going on out there in the real world to scare the bejesus out of any of us, so with a turn of a lock - here I am in my safe little world. La la la la la la la. Where peace and love exists and the cat and dog run freely and happily. I get to eat whatever I want and watch whatever crap I want to watch on the boob tube. I could laugh out loud, cry out loud and burp out loud (although, I'd say 'excuse me' to the animals).
So, then I decide to get married. When my husband moved in, one of the first things he did was remove my eyesore of a mailbox. This was a mailbox that I sweated over in the hot Florida Sun making a tile mosaic all over it. I received a very nice compliment from a neighbor: "Weeeelllll, that's interesting. . "
As the lumpy prodigious sculpture began to lean, it only added to the character. I was shocked when the mailbox was gone, and my husband proudly showed off his new straight green one straight from the generic department of Home Depot. But that was okay, it was only the outside of my safe place. And I do believe, by the mailbox's demise that he added value to the home.
We had one rule in the house - he had to STAY OUT of my bathroom. He very wisely moved slloowwwllly in, and cooked us such incredible gourmet meals on the grill that it was like living with Bobby Flay. I got to be exactly who I was before (only eating better). But I worried that MY home wouldn't feel like his safe place. A loving place, yes - but not his yet.
As he took over the garage and half the backyard with his hobby and work-related items, that part of our sanctuary was definitely his. When he added a 1952 Willys Wagon to the mix - his comfort level was complete.
Four months ago, on a Friday night at about 9:30 - we added another addition to the house - his 15 year old stepdaughter, Amanda. He scrambled through our spare room making room in the closet - stuffing his clothes into my closet and organizing my seasonal clothes. Instead of feeling like he's disrupting my L-I-F-E and T-H-I-N-G-S, I was so grateful with the ease and speed he was able to do it all. I was in la-la land - which is a great place to be when your life is about to change. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la la.
"I'm going to move my stuff into your bathroom," he said.
"OH NO YOU'RE NOT!" I screamed, as I snapped back into reality. "You guys have to share a bathroom." I'm the type of person who is concerned with sharing a bathroom on vacations. My bathroom is my safe place! That was a no-brainer that my husband easily conceded.
When Amanda moved in - we had a healthy, beautiful, funny, giggling, intelligent, absolutely non-complaining teenager. Her rules? Be good to the animals, keep them safe. No fighting allowed. And any dysfunctions she lived with at her other household had to stay there - we have enough craziness for her to adapt to here. We didn't need more. Our home had to be Amanda's safe place for her to escape from her outside craziness and stress.
There were some major adjustments for her and she politely questioned what they meant. Why did we ask so many questions? Of course, I was intrigued and excited by her teachers, her friends, her sports. It was horrifying and exhilirating to remember what it was like to be a teenager again! (I finally stopped asking her what her new vocabulary words were.) On Meet the Teacher night, I almost threw up. (Even more incredible was knowing one of the teachers. She wasn't Mrs. Bliss - she was Pat.)
Amanda acclimated beautifully and her room was her nirvna. I gotta tell you, she made the room MY idea of the perfect escape. Music, tv, clutter, fluffy blankets and pillows - I wanted to move in. I loved visiting in her room, but I respected her private sanctuary. She earned it through great grades at school and being generous and considerate to her Dad and me.
The thing I had to learn was how to deal with disharmony in the house. I'd go into panic mode. I would think things are going to be permanently like that and it is "unacceptable" (in my ugliest tone of voice!) in our home. Amanda's Dad always keeps the cool head and I think I'm losing control of my surroundings that are the WORLD to me.
Recently, Amanda's safe place was shaken after she returned home from a visit to her other household. Lack of good solid communication that made her Dad and I think the worst was what greeted her when she came home. I will always remember her stunned silence, the stop in her walking, when I said that I felt she was 'deceitful' to us. She sobbed later in her room, which made me as miserable as I've ever felt in my life as both her father and I tried to get to the bottom of the story.
The 'worst' was not applicable here, and both her Dad and I apologized to her. I've been falsely accused of things totally out of my character, and it takes me two centuries to get over it. I wondered how long it would take Amanda. While I pondered the lesson of never again jumping to a wrong conclusion, I thanked God that we gave her a chance to defend herself and listen. Really listen to her.
The worst part for me was that her Dad and I made HER home a scary place. A place she wanted to leave.
With three people in the house, this former single woman learned that there will be times when Amanda and/or my husband will make ME want to leave home. With different moods, different outside factors, different stresses of the day - we can't be cheery all the time. But we can always care about each other and respect when someone is down.
With our home's main foundation - of common consideration and most importantly, love and caring - our structure of peace and love, will remain strong and sturdy. Our roof may leak tears at times, but can easily be patched.
By the way, Amanda recovered in what I considered a record time. She made us a beautiful cake and a star for me. She's the shining star and I thank her for the lessons she teaches me.
After being single for so many years, it was a piece of cake to keep the household free of fighting, misunderstandings and someone else's baggage. A stable home life is something I worked hard for - financially and otherwise. It's my safe place - where the crazies can't get to me (except through the nightly news or e-mail, hello channel remote and delete key). There is enough going on out there in the real world to scare the bejesus out of any of us, so with a turn of a lock - here I am in my safe little world. La la la la la la la. Where peace and love exists and the cat and dog run freely and happily. I get to eat whatever I want and watch whatever crap I want to watch on the boob tube. I could laugh out loud, cry out loud and burp out loud (although, I'd say 'excuse me' to the animals).
So, then I decide to get married. When my husband moved in, one of the first things he did was remove my eyesore of a mailbox. This was a mailbox that I sweated over in the hot Florida Sun making a tile mosaic all over it. I received a very nice compliment from a neighbor: "Weeeelllll, that's interesting. . "
As the lumpy prodigious sculpture began to lean, it only added to the character. I was shocked when the mailbox was gone, and my husband proudly showed off his new straight green one straight from the generic department of Home Depot. But that was okay, it was only the outside of my safe place. And I do believe, by the mailbox's demise that he added value to the home.
We had one rule in the house - he had to STAY OUT of my bathroom. He very wisely moved slloowwwllly in, and cooked us such incredible gourmet meals on the grill that it was like living with Bobby Flay. I got to be exactly who I was before (only eating better). But I worried that MY home wouldn't feel like his safe place. A loving place, yes - but not his yet.
As he took over the garage and half the backyard with his hobby and work-related items, that part of our sanctuary was definitely his. When he added a 1952 Willys Wagon to the mix - his comfort level was complete.
Four months ago, on a Friday night at about 9:30 - we added another addition to the house - his 15 year old stepdaughter, Amanda. He scrambled through our spare room making room in the closet - stuffing his clothes into my closet and organizing my seasonal clothes. Instead of feeling like he's disrupting my L-I-F-E and T-H-I-N-G-S, I was so grateful with the ease and speed he was able to do it all. I was in la-la land - which is a great place to be when your life is about to change. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la la.
"I'm going to move my stuff into your bathroom," he said.
"OH NO YOU'RE NOT!" I screamed, as I snapped back into reality. "You guys have to share a bathroom." I'm the type of person who is concerned with sharing a bathroom on vacations. My bathroom is my safe place! That was a no-brainer that my husband easily conceded.
When Amanda moved in - we had a healthy, beautiful, funny, giggling, intelligent, absolutely non-complaining teenager. Her rules? Be good to the animals, keep them safe. No fighting allowed. And any dysfunctions she lived with at her other household had to stay there - we have enough craziness for her to adapt to here. We didn't need more. Our home had to be Amanda's safe place for her to escape from her outside craziness and stress.
There were some major adjustments for her and she politely questioned what they meant. Why did we ask so many questions? Of course, I was intrigued and excited by her teachers, her friends, her sports. It was horrifying and exhilirating to remember what it was like to be a teenager again! (I finally stopped asking her what her new vocabulary words were.) On Meet the Teacher night, I almost threw up. (Even more incredible was knowing one of the teachers. She wasn't Mrs. Bliss - she was Pat.)
Amanda acclimated beautifully and her room was her nirvna. I gotta tell you, she made the room MY idea of the perfect escape. Music, tv, clutter, fluffy blankets and pillows - I wanted to move in. I loved visiting in her room, but I respected her private sanctuary. She earned it through great grades at school and being generous and considerate to her Dad and me.
The thing I had to learn was how to deal with disharmony in the house. I'd go into panic mode. I would think things are going to be permanently like that and it is "unacceptable" (in my ugliest tone of voice!) in our home. Amanda's Dad always keeps the cool head and I think I'm losing control of my surroundings that are the WORLD to me.
Recently, Amanda's safe place was shaken after she returned home from a visit to her other household. Lack of good solid communication that made her Dad and I think the worst was what greeted her when she came home. I will always remember her stunned silence, the stop in her walking, when I said that I felt she was 'deceitful' to us. She sobbed later in her room, which made me as miserable as I've ever felt in my life as both her father and I tried to get to the bottom of the story.
The 'worst' was not applicable here, and both her Dad and I apologized to her. I've been falsely accused of things totally out of my character, and it takes me two centuries to get over it. I wondered how long it would take Amanda. While I pondered the lesson of never again jumping to a wrong conclusion, I thanked God that we gave her a chance to defend herself and listen. Really listen to her.
The worst part for me was that her Dad and I made HER home a scary place. A place she wanted to leave.
With three people in the house, this former single woman learned that there will be times when Amanda and/or my husband will make ME want to leave home. With different moods, different outside factors, different stresses of the day - we can't be cheery all the time. But we can always care about each other and respect when someone is down.
With our home's main foundation - of common consideration and most importantly, love and caring - our structure of peace and love, will remain strong and sturdy. Our roof may leak tears at times, but can easily be patched.
By the way, Amanda recovered in what I considered a record time. She made us a beautiful cake and a star for me. She's the shining star and I thank her for the lessons she teaches me.
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Janet - excellent point! So, let's start with something SHE does have control over - the GUY! There is nothing like a wishy-washy man, who wants to keep a woman at bay, while he looks around for a greener pasture. He leads her on so he doesn't lose her and somehow gets away with terrible behavior that is damaging to her self-esteem. What in the... See More HECK would you want with a man who wants to be free to see others? Is that in your description of your perfect man? His inability to commit to only you SPEAKS LOUDER than his words. Are you in too deep to dump him? Break it off with this indecisive man. If this were love, he wouldn't do this to you. THIS you are in control over. Doing the holidays ALONE beats "doing the guy" and then hoping he doesn't have a date for New Year's Eve.
Yesterday
A guy that dates other women and is telling you how amazing you are, is talking out of both sides of his mouth. He will say enough to keep you hooked, but not give enough to get hooked. Not necessarily a bad guy, but self-centered and certainly not ready yet for the relationship you're looking for
Yes, Antonio, there is and I have been biting my tongue for days. I have learned my lesson and will repent...possibly soon. But, until that time, I will politely raise my hand (and blood pressure) and chime in. I am not entirely sure what Antonio means by "compliments". Do you actually mean "complements"? "Goes well together" rather than to "say ... See Moresomething pleasing to another"? While nice, I do not need someone to compliment me and I hope and pray that I have enough self-esteem to keep it that way. I do, however, want/need someone that "complements" me and vice versa. Which brings me to my point...It seems VERY clear to me that "he" (and that will be addressed next) has been EXTREMELY honest with you from jump street. I quote.."he's made it clear he's not looking for anything serious & is seeing other people BUT he fights the fact that he really likes me more than he wants to." The only "facts" you seem to have presented here are that he has made it clear he wants to see other people, but he does enjoy dating you. I am fairly confident you are "assuming" that he likes you more than he wants to...Finally, before I lose the last bit of sanity I have left, the WHOLE discussion should have started out by being "non-gender specific"!! You young ladies are just as guilty, if not more, than the guys are of being misleading and "out looking for greener pastures"...Final thought...I still don't understand why A PERSON can go out with a lot of PEOPLE and still have an amazing time with you....Banished (or soon will be) Bubbie
So many good Bubbie comments, I'm not sure I can add anything ~ except that I understand matters of the heart as I am facing the holidays with challenges as well. The two things that help me the very most have had the most powerful effect on me whenever I am faced with a struggle:1) What do I have control over? This issue has been adequately addressed with regards to the "boy". We are not privy to the details of this relationship, so making concrete suggestions may be difficult. Suffice it to say, however, you must look out for yourself...no one will do it for you in the end. If the relationship is meant to be ~ it will survive you honoring your own goals and intentions. If you do not wish to be the "fall back" girl, let go of this man. Damn is it ever hard to do ~ I speak with a HEAP of experience right now. If it is a commitment you want, he is not the man for you ~ at least not now. Antonio took the words out of my mouth, "actions speak louder than words".2) When you are overwhelmed and awash with emotions that break your heart ~ get out of yourself. Do something kind for another person. There is someone that is hurting more than you, there always is. Extend your hand and help that person in anyway you see fit. It is the very best suggestion I can offer to help remove the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that come from your message to Bubbie. What can you do to honor the memory of your friend that has passed on? What does your friend with the baby need? A meal brought in? A few hours to herself? What can you do to help her?... See MoreThat is what I have for today. That and the Serenity Prayer ~ I revert to that on a frequent basis to remind myself that I only have control over me.