From our DearBubbie@yahoo.com mailbox. . We would love your comments. And if you have an anonymous question for the Bubbies, just e-mail us. .
Dear Bubbie,
I just got off a five-year on & off relationship with an older man. Well, it had been over for awhile. I've dated a little bit, but now just recently am getting serious over a 29 year old man. He told me he was 36, but I found out differently. Bubbie, I'm a youngish 47. What is too young? I don't ...want to get hurt again. Love, A true Cougar
Dear Cougar,
This is kind of a no-brainer for DearBubbie. It is very flattering to get the attention of a younger man. And this is when you need it the most. It's true that women also go through mid-life crises'. DearBubbie says to watch for red flags whenever a relationship starts with a lie. I don't get WHY people begin a relationship with a lie about ... See Moretheir age. But that 's another question for another time. Basically, Cougar, he doesn't have your same life experiences. Unless you enjoy being in the teacher role and not getting the depth of understanding from someone who has LIVED their life - then it could work. A younger man is appealing after being with an older man - I would think, for physical and energy-level reasons. Keep your eyes and head open for what YOU NEED in a relationship. The "right one" will fill your important needs. Finally, think of life DOWN the road when you're much older and he's still youngish and good-looking. How will you feel if people think you're his mother??
And a reply from one of our Bubbies on the DearBubbie Facebook page. . .
Janet
Ditto to DearBubbie. If he lied in the introductory phase (his age), then what else is he going to lie about?It is obvious that HE feels uncomfortable with the age difference, or he would not have lied. You seem to feel uncomfortable with it, too, or you would not have voiced your concern. What is the purpose of the relationship? Is it just for fun, or to grow with each other into something more serious? Age difference aside, I don't see how it can become a serious thing, because of the lie, and the fact that both of you are uncomfortable with the age thing.Many men take younger women, and there should not be a double standard, but you have to ask yourself...What do I want out of this? What does HE want out of this? If it's a mutual understanding.....
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Don't Worry, Be Happy
Sometimes there's a lot to be said for denial when it comes to our worries. That's not to say we should buy a new flat screen TV for our bathrooms when we can barely afford the toilet paper. I'm merely trying to get across that if worrying isn't going to change the outcome (and it never does, does it?), then move onto a 'more fun' time-waster - like Facebook or a Sudoku puzzle.
I'd worry more about worrying because the stress can kill you.
Sadly, one thing out of control is the health and welfare of our loved ones. This ranked high on our DearBubbie Facebook page as one of our greatest concerns. My Mother always says life is "geschrieben". Our destinies are written in the stars. I suppose if one truly believed it's out of their control anyway, a lot of unnecessary worry will blow away with the wind.
Mom is 81 years old and has never had a major health crisis, so there could be something about this geschrieben stuff that rings true.
A similar Yiddish expression is "beshert" - and that is usually used to describe your destiny in finding your soul mate. With all my heart, I believe it was beshert that I met my husband, John. And to think of all the years I wasted worrying about finding my soul mate. I couldn't have picked a better time to find a better man to marry. The stars knew much better than me.
As for our own health - we know what we need to do to stay healthy. The fear and thoughts, however, that the media constantly puts in our heads contributes to our woes. Over awareness is not a good thing, in DearBubbie's opinion. I don't need to see constant reminders of breast cancer on my soup cans or tennis shoes. It puts the thought in my head - and I don't want it there constantly.
Take care of yourself - eat better, move more. Make that a resolution every day to ward off worries about your own health. Pass by something you ordinarily would eat. Park your car a little further away and pick up the pace, take steps instead of an elevator. It actually will make you feel a lot better.
Instead of worrying about our loved ones, what if we spent our time thinking about what we can do for (or with) our kids, parents, spouses, etc. . . In the time it takes us to log in to our e-mail, we could be writing a 'love you' note to place on their pillows at night. Instead of looking up stocks, we can be looking up day trips.
A schedule for more quantity and quality of time with our loved ones is something that we can control and make happen.
When it comes to money problems, my friend, Charmaine has said: "If my only problems are those that can be solved by having money, then I'm in pretty good shape."
I can't complain to my Mother (there she is again!) about money, because she'll scold me: "If you're going to worry about money, the God will show you some real problems! If you have health and love, you have it all."
I have a friend who recently lost her house to foreclosure and found an affordable rental. She appears to almost be happier to have that stress off her back. Someone else is worrying about repairs, taxes and insurance. And she is starting over fresh. Same with a woman who had major credit card debt. She worried about her credit, having to rush to the post office to make her minimum payments. This was her life. When bankruptcy became the only answer, she suddenly became free. And happy. Life deals us this hand and sometimes it turns out for the better.
I'd say most of us have no business worrying about money. The unhappiest people I know are the people who have lots of it. My Bubbiehubby worried constantly about money. When I reminded him that we've made ends meet for the past three years and nothing has changed - he loosened up. He is truly a different man.
To conclude, isn't it true that there's peace of mind in knowing that we tried our best? That we acknowledge our mistakes and therefore aren't on track to keep repeating them. If we do our best by our families, our loved ones - then there is no need for worry. It is truly geschrieben..
Now for some concerns over the generations*:
In the 1960's, crime first emerged as a national issue and played a central role in the Presidential contest of 1964 and 1968. Richard Nixon ran successfully for President touting a "law and order" platform. Polls showed that for the first time in U.S. History, crime had risen to the status of America's number one domestic problem. How about sending our kids off to war with the draft? Or the free love/cult/LSD culture? Would we rather be raising our kids today with Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus?
The 1970's marked the era of awareness of our environment. The first Earth Day took place in 1970. "There are ominous signs that the earth's weather patterns have begun to change dramatically," Newsweek reported in 1975. They warned of a drastic decline in food production. The 1970's brought about the end to the Vietnam war, opposition to nuclear weapons, the advocacy of world peace and hostility to the authority of government and big business. Industrialized countries, except for Japan, experienced an economic recession due to an oil crisis caused by oil embargoes. Remember the high interest Jimmy Carter years?
The 1980's became the Me! Me! Me! Generation of status seekers. During the 1980's, we saw hostile takeovers, leveraged buyouts and mega-mergers that spawned a new breed of billionaire. Binge buying and credit became a way of life. Tom Wolfe dubbed the baby boomers as the "splurge generation". The decade began with double-digit inflation, Reagan declared a war on drugs and many of our finest talents succumbed to AIDS. Internationally, the Berlin Wall was removed.
There will always be issues for concern, but there always seems to be a happy ending even in the most dismal of situations.
*this information was gathered from various websites and not written by Dearbubbie.
I'd worry more about worrying because the stress can kill you.
Sadly, one thing out of control is the health and welfare of our loved ones. This ranked high on our DearBubbie Facebook page as one of our greatest concerns. My Mother always says life is "geschrieben". Our destinies are written in the stars. I suppose if one truly believed it's out of their control anyway, a lot of unnecessary worry will blow away with the wind.
Mom is 81 years old and has never had a major health crisis, so there could be something about this geschrieben stuff that rings true.
A similar Yiddish expression is "beshert" - and that is usually used to describe your destiny in finding your soul mate. With all my heart, I believe it was beshert that I met my husband, John. And to think of all the years I wasted worrying about finding my soul mate. I couldn't have picked a better time to find a better man to marry. The stars knew much better than me.
As for our own health - we know what we need to do to stay healthy. The fear and thoughts, however, that the media constantly puts in our heads contributes to our woes. Over awareness is not a good thing, in DearBubbie's opinion. I don't need to see constant reminders of breast cancer on my soup cans or tennis shoes. It puts the thought in my head - and I don't want it there constantly.
Take care of yourself - eat better, move more. Make that a resolution every day to ward off worries about your own health. Pass by something you ordinarily would eat. Park your car a little further away and pick up the pace, take steps instead of an elevator. It actually will make you feel a lot better.
Instead of worrying about our loved ones, what if we spent our time thinking about what we can do for (or with) our kids, parents, spouses, etc. . . In the time it takes us to log in to our e-mail, we could be writing a 'love you' note to place on their pillows at night. Instead of looking up stocks, we can be looking up day trips.
A schedule for more quantity and quality of time with our loved ones is something that we can control and make happen.
When it comes to money problems, my friend, Charmaine has said: "If my only problems are those that can be solved by having money, then I'm in pretty good shape."
I can't complain to my Mother (there she is again!) about money, because she'll scold me: "If you're going to worry about money, the God will show you some real problems! If you have health and love, you have it all."
I have a friend who recently lost her house to foreclosure and found an affordable rental. She appears to almost be happier to have that stress off her back. Someone else is worrying about repairs, taxes and insurance. And she is starting over fresh. Same with a woman who had major credit card debt. She worried about her credit, having to rush to the post office to make her minimum payments. This was her life. When bankruptcy became the only answer, she suddenly became free. And happy. Life deals us this hand and sometimes it turns out for the better.
I'd say most of us have no business worrying about money. The unhappiest people I know are the people who have lots of it. My Bubbiehubby worried constantly about money. When I reminded him that we've made ends meet for the past three years and nothing has changed - he loosened up. He is truly a different man.
To conclude, isn't it true that there's peace of mind in knowing that we tried our best? That we acknowledge our mistakes and therefore aren't on track to keep repeating them. If we do our best by our families, our loved ones - then there is no need for worry. It is truly geschrieben..
Now for some concerns over the generations*:
In the 1960's, crime first emerged as a national issue and played a central role in the Presidential contest of 1964 and 1968. Richard Nixon ran successfully for President touting a "law and order" platform. Polls showed that for the first time in U.S. History, crime had risen to the status of America's number one domestic problem. How about sending our kids off to war with the draft? Or the free love/cult/LSD culture? Would we rather be raising our kids today with Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus?
The 1970's marked the era of awareness of our environment. The first Earth Day took place in 1970. "There are ominous signs that the earth's weather patterns have begun to change dramatically," Newsweek reported in 1975. They warned of a drastic decline in food production. The 1970's brought about the end to the Vietnam war, opposition to nuclear weapons, the advocacy of world peace and hostility to the authority of government and big business. Industrialized countries, except for Japan, experienced an economic recession due to an oil crisis caused by oil embargoes. Remember the high interest Jimmy Carter years?
The 1980's became the Me! Me! Me! Generation of status seekers. During the 1980's, we saw hostile takeovers, leveraged buyouts and mega-mergers that spawned a new breed of billionaire. Binge buying and credit became a way of life. Tom Wolfe dubbed the baby boomers as the "splurge generation". The decade began with double-digit inflation, Reagan declared a war on drugs and many of our finest talents succumbed to AIDS. Internationally, the Berlin Wall was removed.
There will always be issues for concern, but there always seems to be a happy ending even in the most dismal of situations.
*this information was gathered from various websites and not written by Dearbubbie.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Replies to the Below DearBubbie Letter
These replies came from our DearBubbie Facebook Page. They answer the previous DearBubbie letter that came in. If you have a question for DearBubbie, write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com
Karis
The first question that pops into my mind: were there any children as a result of this marriage? If the answer is yes, then I would suggest that the years weren't lost, but the children gained. If the answer is no ~ search for the good that was in the marriage and keep those memories. Beyond that ~ what are the lessons learned? Surely there are some ~ that is what you take with you as you let go and move on. If you don't learn, you don't grow. If you don't grow, you die. It becomes a choice in life ~ grow or die. Don't lament the lost years . . . look forward to the new ones. Yes, you are older and WISER...those are good things. Happiness is a state of being that we choose. If you aren't happy, it is because you are choosing to color your life with different emotions. How do they serve you? Why do you remain stuck?... See MoreYou won't ever get back the years that have passed by you ~ but you can surely wile away the ones in front of you in pity or in hope. I've been there and for me, personally, I choose hope and happiness.Best of luck to this Bubbie.
David Forget the lost years, you can't get them back. But live on, create new years as you would like and make them memorable.
Richard Anybody seen THE WIFE? She was around here somewhere...last night, I think it was...
DearBubbie
Richard! Thank you as always for your insight! Somehow, I think "older & wiser" is luckier than a woman who may discover (after 20-plus years) a betrayal by the spouse. That they've been leading a double life. Or trying to make a hopeless situation work, when they didn't have all the facts. O & W knew what was going on and chose to stay. To ... See Moremove forward, maybe she should 'plan' to start creating memorable moments. Today is the first day of the rest of my life - this is what I'm going to do. But DearBubbie hasn't been in her shoes. I hope one of you will hit on something that clicks with her. Maybe Karis or David already have. Richard, try again! :-)
Richard
Can't you see I'm on the computer, woman! (delete, delete, delete....)
January
Live life with no regrets, life is too short. Move on, and make new memories. Time heals all wounds.
Janet
I was in the same situation (substitute booze for porn). Still think about the lost years. You can't help it. BUT-you can move on. You'll always look back at the 'bad' years with regret. We all have regrets. You will feel better about it, and proud of yourself once you start living the way YOU want to. Good luck, and write back and let us know how you are doing. k?
Chris
I will respond after I get home from work. I need to think about the best response.
Dee
Been there, done that. It was shortly after New Years that I found myself on my own again. 2nd divorce. Porn, booze, playstation (yes, that can be an addiction too), Don't look at it with regret, look at it as a lesson learned. If you learn something from it, it is never a mistake. Don't try to reconcile with the lost years, they are done and ... See Moreover with. Move forward. It's a slow and sometimes painful thing to do but necessary. I find that pain is my best motivator and think it is in most people. Don't forget the past, just don't dwell on it. Remember the saying, you can dig a hole but don't move in! Surrender & acceptance; if your Higher Power brings you to it they'll bring you through it. I'll keep you in my prayers, things WILL get better. Seek counseling if necessary. YANA - You Are Never Alone.
Alisa
You have to stop considering them lost years for starters. You learned what you do not want and will not accept so it is time to move in a forward direction and stop wallowing in the past. If you want a future, you have all the opportunity in the world to go get it now without anyone being in your way, except yourself. Quit focusing on the was and ... See Morestart working on the what will be....I suggest perhaps trying something that I give my girls as advice...you only allow one day of self pity and crying - you've had yours already - and then you hold your head up high and make him regret he ever lost you. Become the woman you want to be - awesome - and know that you deserve nothing but happiness from life from now on. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he got the best of you. The best is yet to come!
DearBubbie
Bubbie Alisa - that is strong, good advice. Thank you!
Charmaine Engelsman-Robins
Wow, that sux. Been there/done that, but learned that A) anything resulting in a lesson learned isn't a loss and B) if you hadn't gotten out NOW how many years would have been wasted? Thank God for small favors like the gift of time to start over. (PS - You might want to read, "It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now." It's excellent! Hang in there.
Karis
The first question that pops into my mind: were there any children as a result of this marriage? If the answer is yes, then I would suggest that the years weren't lost, but the children gained. If the answer is no ~ search for the good that was in the marriage and keep those memories. Beyond that ~ what are the lessons learned? Surely there are some ~ that is what you take with you as you let go and move on. If you don't learn, you don't grow. If you don't grow, you die. It becomes a choice in life ~ grow or die. Don't lament the lost years . . . look forward to the new ones. Yes, you are older and WISER...those are good things. Happiness is a state of being that we choose. If you aren't happy, it is because you are choosing to color your life with different emotions. How do they serve you? Why do you remain stuck?... See MoreYou won't ever get back the years that have passed by you ~ but you can surely wile away the ones in front of you in pity or in hope. I've been there and for me, personally, I choose hope and happiness.Best of luck to this Bubbie.
David Forget the lost years, you can't get them back. But live on, create new years as you would like and make them memorable.
Richard Anybody seen THE WIFE? She was around here somewhere...last night, I think it was...
DearBubbie
Richard! Thank you as always for your insight! Somehow, I think "older & wiser" is luckier than a woman who may discover (after 20-plus years) a betrayal by the spouse. That they've been leading a double life. Or trying to make a hopeless situation work, when they didn't have all the facts. O & W knew what was going on and chose to stay. To ... See Moremove forward, maybe she should 'plan' to start creating memorable moments. Today is the first day of the rest of my life - this is what I'm going to do. But DearBubbie hasn't been in her shoes. I hope one of you will hit on something that clicks with her. Maybe Karis or David already have. Richard, try again! :-)
Richard
Can't you see I'm on the computer, woman! (delete, delete, delete....)
January
Live life with no regrets, life is too short. Move on, and make new memories. Time heals all wounds.
Janet
I was in the same situation (substitute booze for porn). Still think about the lost years. You can't help it. BUT-you can move on. You'll always look back at the 'bad' years with regret. We all have regrets. You will feel better about it, and proud of yourself once you start living the way YOU want to. Good luck, and write back and let us know how you are doing. k?
Chris
I will respond after I get home from work. I need to think about the best response.
Dee
Been there, done that. It was shortly after New Years that I found myself on my own again. 2nd divorce. Porn, booze, playstation (yes, that can be an addiction too), Don't look at it with regret, look at it as a lesson learned. If you learn something from it, it is never a mistake. Don't try to reconcile with the lost years, they are done and ... See Moreover with. Move forward. It's a slow and sometimes painful thing to do but necessary. I find that pain is my best motivator and think it is in most people. Don't forget the past, just don't dwell on it. Remember the saying, you can dig a hole but don't move in! Surrender & acceptance; if your Higher Power brings you to it they'll bring you through it. I'll keep you in my prayers, things WILL get better. Seek counseling if necessary. YANA - You Are Never Alone.
Alisa
You have to stop considering them lost years for starters. You learned what you do not want and will not accept so it is time to move in a forward direction and stop wallowing in the past. If you want a future, you have all the opportunity in the world to go get it now without anyone being in your way, except yourself. Quit focusing on the was and ... See Morestart working on the what will be....I suggest perhaps trying something that I give my girls as advice...you only allow one day of self pity and crying - you've had yours already - and then you hold your head up high and make him regret he ever lost you. Become the woman you want to be - awesome - and know that you deserve nothing but happiness from life from now on. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he got the best of you. The best is yet to come!
DearBubbie
Bubbie Alisa - that is strong, good advice. Thank you!
Charmaine Engelsman-Robins
Wow, that sux. Been there/done that, but learned that A) anything resulting in a lesson learned isn't a loss and B) if you hadn't gotten out NOW how many years would have been wasted? Thank God for small favors like the gift of time to start over. (PS - You might want to read, "It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now." It's excellent! Hang in there.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
DearBubbie,
Well, I awoke this New Year's Day in the same position I was in - on my side and devastated that I have lost 23 years of my LIFE to a lost cause. I have now divorced the lost cause who gambled our money away and was addicted to porn websites. But I am having trouble reconciling the lost years. I can't get them back! I'm happy to have him out of my life, but my head isn't letting me stop kicking myself for wasting so many years. Can you help?
Signed,
Older, wiser, but not happier
Well, I awoke this New Year's Day in the same position I was in - on my side and devastated that I have lost 23 years of my LIFE to a lost cause. I have now divorced the lost cause who gambled our money away and was addicted to porn websites. But I am having trouble reconciling the lost years. I can't get them back! I'm happy to have him out of my life, but my head isn't letting me stop kicking myself for wasting so many years. Can you help?
Signed,
Older, wiser, but not happier
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