Replies to the Below DearBubbie Letter

These replies came from our DearBubbie Facebook Page. They answer the previous DearBubbie letter that came in. If you have a question for DearBubbie, write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com


Karis
The first question that pops into my mind: were there any children as a result of this marriage? If the answer is yes, then I would suggest that the years weren't lost, but the children gained. If the answer is no ~ search for the good that was in the marriage and keep those memories. Beyond that ~ what are the lessons learned? Surely there are some ~ that is what you take with you as you let go and move on. If you don't learn, you don't grow. If you don't grow, you die. It becomes a choice in life ~ grow or die. Don't lament the lost years . . . look forward to the new ones. Yes, you are older and WISER...those are good things. Happiness is a state of being that we choose. If you aren't happy, it is because you are choosing to color your life with different emotions. How do they serve you? Why do you remain stuck?... See MoreYou won't ever get back the years that have passed by you ~ but you can surely wile away the ones in front of you in pity or in hope. I've been there and for me, personally, I choose hope and happiness.Best of luck to this Bubbie.


David Forget the lost years, you can't get them back. But live on, create new years as you would like and make them memorable.

Richard Anybody seen THE WIFE? She was around here somewhere...last night, I think it was...

DearBubbie
Richard! Thank you as always for your insight! Somehow, I think "older & wiser" is luckier than a woman who may discover (after 20-plus years) a betrayal by the spouse. That they've been leading a double life. Or trying to make a hopeless situation work, when they didn't have all the facts. O & W knew what was going on and chose to stay. To ... See Moremove forward, maybe she should 'plan' to start creating memorable moments. Today is the first day of the rest of my life - this is what I'm going to do. But DearBubbie hasn't been in her shoes. I hope one of you will hit on something that clicks with her. Maybe Karis or David already have. Richard, try again! :-)


Richard
Can't you see I'm on the computer, woman! (delete, delete, delete....)

January
Live life with no regrets, life is too short. Move on, and make new memories. Time heals all wounds.

Janet
I was in the same situation (substitute booze for porn). Still think about the lost years. You can't help it. BUT-you can move on. You'll always look back at the 'bad' years with regret. We all have regrets. You will feel better about it, and proud of yourself once you start living the way YOU want to. Good luck, and write back and let us know how you are doing. k?

Chris
I will respond after I get home from work. I need to think about the best response.

Dee
Been there, done that. It was shortly after New Years that I found myself on my own again. 2nd divorce. Porn, booze, playstation (yes, that can be an addiction too), Don't look at it with regret, look at it as a lesson learned. If you learn something from it, it is never a mistake. Don't try to reconcile with the lost years, they are done and ... See Moreover with. Move forward. It's a slow and sometimes painful thing to do but necessary. I find that pain is my best motivator and think it is in most people. Don't forget the past, just don't dwell on it. Remember the saying, you can dig a hole but don't move in! Surrender & acceptance; if your Higher Power brings you to it they'll bring you through it. I'll keep you in my prayers, things WILL get better. Seek counseling if necessary. YANA - You Are Never Alone.


Alisa
You have to stop considering them lost years for starters. You learned what you do not want and will not accept so it is time to move in a forward direction and stop wallowing in the past. If you want a future, you have all the opportunity in the world to go get it now without anyone being in your way, except yourself. Quit focusing on the was and ... See Morestart working on the what will be....I suggest perhaps trying something that I give my girls as advice...you only allow one day of self pity and crying - you've had yours already - and then you hold your head up high and make him regret he ever lost you. Become the woman you want to be - awesome - and know that you deserve nothing but happiness from life from now on. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he got the best of you. The best is yet to come!


DearBubbie
Bubbie Alisa - that is strong, good advice. Thank you!

Charmaine Engelsman-Robins
Wow, that sux. Been there/done that, but learned that A) anything resulting in a lesson learned isn't a loss and B) if you hadn't gotten out NOW how many years would have been wasted? Thank God for small favors like the gift of time to start over. (PS - You might want to read, "It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now." It's excellent! Hang in there.