Part 3 Making Plans for the Next Step

I’ve avoided thinking about the bankruptcy option because I’ve always had great credit, but losing the debts he’s caused isn’t looking so bad now, plus I know I can build my credit up again since I pay all my bills on time. My only concern was that I wanted to buy a house as soon as I get relocated (or even downsize here if I had to stay here), and a bankruptcy would obviously affect my ability to get a loan.

I hear you on the “armor” thought. I’ve been trying to NOT react at all to anything, even when he sits on the other side of the slider talking to his girlfriend on the phone while I sit in the kitchen doing homework with my son. Talk about an “in your face” move! Can you believe the gall? I have a friend who’s been through lots of therapy, and he keeps telling me the same thing: Don’t make it “fun” for him. Do NOT react, do NOT engage in battles.

I agree with keeping my moves to myself, but I told him last night that I WOULD be filing and he WOULD be receiving papers soon, and that he may as well move now before a sheriff’s deputy escorts him out of the house and he’s forced to go to his dad’s, which he says he doesn’t want to do. His only comment at that was, “I don’t have any money to move.” I said, “I will come up with the money to ship your stuff and get you a ticket. Start packing and tell her you’re coming.” He didn’t say no, so maybe I can get him to leave now. He’s always said, “I’m not going anywhere,” but maybe I can get him to go if she has agreed to let him come. He must be figuring she’ll take care of him financially

The thought of financial security is probably very appealing to him, especially if he thinks he wouldn’t be expected to get a job. It’s seeming to me that he got himself fired here intentionally after he fulfilled his child support obligations to his ex, but I have continued to demand that he be responsible and make a contribution to this family (financially AND emotionally), and perhaps he thought I was going to let him slide after child support ended.

As to your suggestion to write everything down and keep records, I document everything. I write notes every day on what occurred the previous night at home, and I have notes that go all the way back to my memories of the early days, so I probably have close to 200 pages of notes (and counting).

I went to the Womens Resource Center last spring. They gave me lots of good ideas on courses/seminars aimed at helping women in bad positions like this, but I can’t take the daytime ones because I work, and I am busy with my son when I leave here so I can’t do that either. I need to just get with a lawyer, talk strategy and proceed, and also perhaps look into the bankruptcy option to save myself from drowning in debt. Does that sound good next steps to you? Strategize with lawyer and also talk about bankruptcy? Can a divorce lawyer also help with the bankruptcy or do I need a separate lawyer for that?

In the meantime, let me know if you get any names, and thanks again for the words of encouragement. I can’t tell you how relieved it makes me feel to know that someone with an objective opinion sees this clearly and agrees with my tactics to date. Sometimes it is all so overwhelming I start to second guess my perception and everything I do in response, and it also seems sometimes like I’ll never get out of this mess, but then you make me see that it WILL be okay, eventually, and I am strong and I WILL get out of this.

HER NEXT LETTER WAS THIS:

Oh, BTW, I offered hubby a cash “bribe” a couple months ago in an attempt to get him out, and he said no. Said he’s not doing this for the money. I think he just wants someone to handle all of life’s responsibilities and pay his way, so he can just go along for the ride and have no worries. That’s why I say he’s a 50-year-old adolescent. Expects “mommy” to do everything for him and he has no responsibilities whatsoever, financial, emotional or otherwise.

I had to laugh when I read your comment about telling “her” (the girlfriend) hello, because that’s exactly what I do. Even in the middle of the night, if I walk out there and see him on the phone, I just say, “tell her hi,” or “ask her when you can move out there.” It doesn’t bother me in the least. It just bothers me that he’s doing it on my dime and in my face. I go nuts from morning ‘til night with work, housework, pets, my son and trying to salvage time for my own workouts (which I KNOW I need to stay sane), and he does nothing but sit on the lanai or on the couch talking to his “friend,” or sitting on the computer on Facebook most of the day. What a scum.

Thanks also for the comment on my abilities as a parent. I try so hard to keep things “normal” and fun for my son, and I got him into therapy a few months ago to head off any long-term effects his father may be having on him. He is just starting to open up to his therapist a little, and he tells her he doesn’t like his dad or how emotionally neglectful he is, so hopefully he’ll continue to open up to her as he gets to know her better and gets more comfortable. I wanted to be sure I got him into counseling before it really got to him. I also have him in tae kwon do, which is a great physical and emotional outlet. The staff at his TKD school are very loving and supportive, and I try to surround him with as many positive things as I can to counter the negative effects of his dad. He made gold honor roll at school this quarter and does well in school, so I think I’ve managed to keep him on track so far!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support. You have really brought me a sense of “I’m doing okay,” if you know what I mean. I was starting to wonder. ;)