Part FIVE - The Happy Ending

Oh, Dear Bubbie –

Well, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you and all the other Bubbies for your words of encouragement and support. You really helped me through this and for that I am truly appreciative.

It turns out that the threats were more psychological games, because when it came down to it, he did NOT insist on ½ of everything. His main concern was child support, which I will not be asking for because a) I won’t get it anyway if he isn’t working (the mediator said that, given his recent history and his appearance and his unpreparedness for the meeting, she doubted he’d be holding a job any time soon), and b) I can make a request at a later date and pursue child support if I find out he has become employed and is making a decent wage (both my attorney and the mediator told me that I can pursue it later even if the agreement now says “no child support”).

In addition to his fears about child support (and I think that was his main concern), he also managed to accrue over $60000 in debt totally unbeknownst to me. Yep. In addition to the $20,000 that I have to eat (I’ll have pay it when the house sells and lose most of my profit), he also incurred a bunch more debt that I never knew about. No wonder the man has an ulcer that won’t heal!!!

He had borrowed multiple times against an old life insurance policy he has and owes $18,000 for his loans; he was overpaid disability wages AFTER he recuperated and began working before we got married and during our first two or so years together (he always told me this was just a couple thousand, and he would never tell me the entire amount because he knew I’d be “upset”) and now owes the government over $20,000; he took out a student loan for his oldest son from his first marriage, never made payments on it and now owes $8000; he hid some medical bills that he thought we were covered by insurance but were not, so rather than tell me about it, he hid them, and that’s another $3,000; he owes back child support to his ex to the tune of $4,200 he owes $4,000 for some computer equipment he bought before he and I were married; and various other smaller debts.

This all came to light after I had presented what I thought were all of our household debts and assets, and the mediator asked him if he knew of any more debts. He said yes, and he proceeded to go through his files and find each of these. My jaw hit the floor with each announcement. I just kept saying, “I never knew.” I have NO idea what the hell he did with the money, because I was paying all the household expenses. I’m clueless.

Last night, he kept trying to justify it by saying he “had to borrow money to try to pay off some medical expenses” because he knew we were hurting for money due to his lack of a decent income, and that he had to help his son when he kept begging him to take a student loan for him. He kept insisting it was “perfectly okay” to conduct himself this way because he “was never going to let this affect” me. He was going to see to it that I was never liable for any of it. Um, IT’S CONSIDERED MARITAL DEBT, YOU ASS! He just kept insisting that I would never have been on the hook for any of it (bullshit) so I didn’t need to be aware of it.

He tried telling the mediator that he really wanted to take my son with him to CA, but that he wouldn’t do that because I’m a good mother. Like my son would ever go with him, and like he could ever take care of him when he can’t even care for himself. The last couple times he was supposed to watch him, he didn’t even feed him lunch, and I found my son swimming unsupervised one day while the idiot was supposed to be watching him. He will always deny that my son has issues with him and that he has told various teachers that he doesn’t like his dad much and doesn’t feel “safe” with him. He is in such total denial about everything in his life.

So, because he picked that arbitrary date of 12/11,I told him I was going to have him removed, he now has to stick with it. He has to pack up his shit, ship it, and get out. I had to pay him $4,000 so he can ship his belongings and cover other expenses, and I buy him a ticket as I originally offered (with a limit on it of $200), and he goes. The day cost me close to $30,000 all in all, but it’s worth it to be rid of the insanity. AND, if I find out he’s working later on, I can try to collect child support, so his big ace in the hole may not turn out to be such a big win after all.

I ran to the bank yesterday afternoon and cashed in an IRA, got cashier’s checks to pay the lawyer to handle the filing (I don’t have the time, and she’ll get it on the docket immediately), and I paid him his lousy $4,000 last night and had him sign a receipt for it. The lawyer says she may have this done by Christmas. Merry Christmas to me!

I am relieved. I spoke with a good friend of mine this morning, and he said I sound lighter already and the life and happiness is returning to my voice. This person has known me since 7th grade, so he has been there (although long distance) every step of the way. He has watched him go from a “normal,” functioning human being to a psychotic, delusional mess, and he’s been a real sanity check for me at times. Only a handful of people knew what was really going on, as his old friends and family up north were totally convinced by him that I was cheating and doing all sorts of things I couldn’t possibly have been doing, but they all believed him and he always sounded “fine” when they spoke with him. This whole experience was like being trapped inside a big soundproof bubble and screaming at the top of your lungs, but nobody could hear.

On to the next chapter, huh? The only thing he did for me on a daily basis was sit home all day and let my dogs out, so that’s my only real concern now -- how to get the dogs let out without having to run home at lunchtime every day. Tells you how much of a contribution he made in the scheme of the household operations.

I can NOT believe all that has transpired this week. Thank goodness that mediator was able to get him to agree on everything. My only loss is the child support. I’ve got my son (with visits allowed ONLY in our city of residence and at a site chosen by me, and he can NOT drive with him in his car, and I made added a special clause that my son is not allowed to fly to visit his father anywhere until he’s 18, so he MUST come here), and I’ll have peace in my house again. Come on, December 9th! Can’t come fast enough for me!

Thank you, thank, you, thank you!

DearBubbie follow-up to letter writer

Jody, I am in tears.

While he's a classic case of an abuser, YOU are one unusual woman. You have exhibited such FOCUS and CLARITY. I am speechless at what you achieved.

I can't wait to reprint all of this. You know what, Jody? If you can get through what you got through yesterday - you really CAN do anything. If you said, I want to be a millionaire - with ALL MY HEART, I believe you could be. Jody, you don't just talk the talk - you WALK THE WALK.

Do you realize what you accomplished? Do you have any idea? You TOOK back your life. You got your life back and saved your son. I don't think you realize the magnitude of your achievement. This is better than graduating from college. THIS is one hell of a story. . .and I can't WAIT for the next wonderful chapter.

Kudos to the att'y. . she facilitated this. Shocking. Well done. Cost you $30grand? That's ONE year of college. You got your life back, Jody. Tread lightly around the house. December 11 IS right around the corner. Be cool. Don't show your cards. LOVE yourself, your Mom, your son and your renewed life.

Congratulations, Jody. I'm in disbelief. You're my inspiration. And you'll be one for others, too.