First, I’m calling the lawyer I met with before to set up an appointment for tomorrow. My mother actually got so uncontrollably upset by the events this weekend that SHE put in a call to the lawyer on her cell, which is for “emergencies only.” The att'y told her she wants to get moving in light of the events of late regarding the girlfriend, so she wants me to fill out some planning forms today and see her tomorrow. I will give her this chance to change my mind about her being in “my court.” As I said, she’s tough, but I just didn’t get the impression last time that she would do anything to protect me and fight for me, and that she was going to just play by the book and watch me hand over a portion of everything I own when the lousy S.O.B. doesn’t deserve a penny.
I don’t mind at all if you post my stuff for the other Bubbies. I have always loved reading some of the great advice they give, which is why I decided to solicit your opinion on all this. I know you remove specifics and protect my identity, so go for it!
I am fortunate that my DH has his next victim lined up, because he is willing to go to her, however, his sister has given him the advice that he should wait until we have a meeting with a mediator to discuss child custody arrangements and other issues, so he said he can’t go until that happens. I told him that may be quite a ways down the line, but that is what he is saying now.
On the other hand, he and his “friend” have chosen December 11 as the day he can fly to be with her. No, I do not know the significance of the 9th, but they picked a day. So, I asked him, “if you’ve picked a date, does that mean I’m supposed to buy you a one-way ticket out of here?” He said yes. I told him that I’m not making any such purchase if he is going to insist that he first attend a meeting with the mediator, and I certainly cannot guarantee that a meeting will happen prior to Dec. 11. So, the good news is he’s willing to go, and he will be FAR away, but the bad news is that he has been advised not to go until after that meeting.
He said he knows he won’t be able to afford to return for quite some time once he gets out there, so he wants to have the meeting while he can and let me handle the court appearances for the divorce myself. I’ll see what the lawyer says about all this. I have my own list of what I’m willing to do, and I’m not eating the debt I’ve had to incur as a result of HIM not contributing unless he’s willing to make a major concession on his part, and I’m sure you can guess what that is.
It was quite a weekend with him and his ongoing head games. He does little things to annoy, like turning the TV back on every time I turn it off (because NOBODY is in the room and nobody is watching it). He turns it on, then goes and sits on the lanai. I turn it off. He walks back in and turns it on, then walks back out and sits on the lanai. He is such a child. I have the house on the market, so I’m always trying to keep the clutter picked up. He has a slew of stomach medicines because of the ulcer, like Tums, Brioschi, and some prescription antacids. I cleared all of this off the vanity and off the top of the medicine cabinet months ago to keep the bathroom looking neat. This weekend, he went back to his old habit of storing all these bottles across the top of the medicine cabinet. I saw them on Saturday and took them down. The next time he used the bathroom, he put them back up. I took them down and asked him to leave them down because it looked so sloppy. He put them back up.
This went on all weekend. I asked him again this morning to PLEASE Keep them down so the bathroom looks neater. He always has to get defensive and accuse me of something when I ask him to do something, so his response was, “why? You have a few bottles on your dresser, so what’s the difference?” I said, “having a couple of decorative lotion or spray bottles on the dresser doesn’t look sloppy because they’re attractive. Bottles of Brioschi and prescriptions stomach meds are NOT decorative and having them lined up all across the medicine cabinet is NOT attractive. It’s messy and the clultter does not look good when the house is shown.“ This is just another example of how he likes to annoy and push buttons. Like a child seeking negative attention because it’s better than none.
I started having computer problems this weekend, and I can’t prove it’s him, but I’d bet money on it. He was probably trying to make sure I couldn’t do my online banking because he didn’t want me to see the money he spent last week. He spent about $250 last week on sandwiches and other food items (even though we have a house full of food), cigarettes ($50 a carton and I’ve been asking him to quit for years for health reasons and financial ones), some stuff at Walmart, and he bought himself a computer web cam. Yep, bought a web cam when I’m struggling to pay the bills. I asked him how he can possibly justify these purchases when I’m not even able to make ends meet, and he got into some strange twisting conversation about his stomach and the phone and how he didn’t talk to “her” yesterday. Never answers the question at hand. He’s spent $500 the past month on “stuff.” You can bet I have copies of the transaction list to take to the lawyer, too. Talking to him is a real mind-blower sometimes. When he‘s guilty of something, he’ll get off on any other tangent he can think of to try and derail the conversation. I just started laughing it was so ridiculous. There is NO talking logic with him whatsoever.
As to your concern about the therapy, my son doesn’t mind at all so far. He is just warming up to her and has only started to open up about his feelings, and so far he has just cracked that door open ever so slightly. I also got him started there so she can work with his mild ADD issues, so she’s content focusing on the ADD until he feels like talking more. He did draw a hell of a picture, however, where he had me, him and our pets at one end of two sheets of paper that HE stapled together, and he drew his father way down at the other end away from everyone else. Of course he stuck a big ol’ cigarette in his dad’s mouth ‘cause he’s always out on the lanai smoking while we’re inside doing “real” stuff like homework, playing games or watching movies. It was quite a telling picture. The psychotherapist who was in the room at the time just said, “Wow.”
Well, wish me luck tomorrow, and I will heed your warning about not doing too much at once. I’ve got a ton of stuff to deal with even if I can get him out and get some peace of mind. That would be the first step, and I’ll take it a step at a time after that.
Thanks again, and I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Ugh. I dread going home today. There’s nothing worse than hating to go to your own home every day.
Hugs to you for all your support.
HER NEXT LETTER: UGH SHE DREADS THIS MEETING
Hi, my dearest Bubbie –
Ugh. Meeting with lawyer was NOT pretty, and I still don’t like her, but we’re going to try the mediator route rather than a court battle, since a full court battle with Ms. Attorney representing me could run $20k - $30k, so I won’t have to deal with her other than filing the appropriate paperwork at various times. On the other hand, she assured me that she can have this whole mess resolved by the end of the year or shortly thereafter if my DH will agree on all terms set forth in the mediation.
She basically told me I’m screwed and there’s nothing she can do to prevent him from getting his hands on MY money even though he left me high and dry financially for 9 years and has been contributing nothing but a measly unemployment check for over a year. Apparently it doesn’t matter that he’s put me deep in debt, used up my savings cushion, spent his 401k money on CIGARETTES and other non-necessities and has failed to conduct himself like a responsible adult, either financially or emotionally. None of that matters in the eyes of the court. That sucks!
I get screwed for being the responsible one and for making sure my son had a good quality of life despite his father’s antics, and there’s nothing anyone can or will do to protect ME. But, the freeloading bum gets a nice-size check and can negoatiate to make me pay his way to his girlfriend’s house, and he basically gets to call the shots when it comes to custody issues, otherwise a judge could give him even more if I let this go to court.
Good news is he DOES have his next meal ticket lined up and he’s willing to go, so I have to move while he’s amenable. I had to laugh at this, however: When I told him I’d reached the breaking point with him calling his girlfriend right in front of my face while I correct homework with our son, he agreed to speak with “her” about a time when he could move.
I emailed him yesterday with the information for our date with the mediator, which is TOMORROW, Thursday, and his response was, “why are YOU in such a hurry to take this step? Why are you doing it so soon? What’s the rush?” Um, well, there’s the fact that you said you’d like me to buy your airline ticket for 12/11, and then there’s the fact that I REFUSE to continue to live with your psychological games and watch you call your girlfriend on the phone while I’m looking right at you and your son is 15 feet away… Pick a reason, ass.
I told him this morning that what he really needs to do is load all his crap in his car, drive it to his dad’s for storage, and fly from there. He said he planned on ME shipping his stuff. I said absolutely not, I can’t afford such a shipping cost and I’m already paying his airline ticket out of here. I told him maybe his girlfriend could chip in and have the stuff sent, and he said, “no, she’s broke.” LOL. I had to remind him that he has ruined me finanaiclly over these 9 years, but he still refuses to acknowledge that. He just wants to go denying what he’s done and believe that somehow I’ll come up with whatever money he needs. The nerve of him! Then he asked if I couldn’t just “hold onto his stuff” for the time being, and I laughed at that. I’m going to be downsizing to a rental (first rental in 20 years, thank you very much), and there’s NO way I’m keeping his shit! If he doesn’t take it, it’s garbage.
So, on to the mediator tomorrow. He has acknowledged that he has no clue when he’ll be able to fly back here, so putting together a parenting plan will just have to remain open-ended. We’ll come up with some way to word it tomorrow.
On the financial affidavit, he’s trying to claim all sorts of household expenses on his sheet when it’s my salary that pays for everything! He’s just amazing. I have to get him to give on the division of assets, because the profit from selling the house will be miniscule and I have to use that to pay off debts, so he really doesn’t deserve anything. I have to make him see that we should calculate what he thinks he’s getting, MINUS the debts since he brought them on us, and he should only get the result of that calculation. Yeah, right. I can dream, can’t I?
Wish me luck tomorrow. I have to hammer this out and get him on his way. This is going to be rough handling this house and all the responsibilities alone, but the only thing he did during the course of everyday life is let the dogs out since he was home anyway, and feed them in the late afternoon. I know It won’t be much different, and it will get easier when I sell the house and move to something that’s less maintenance.
He said this morning, “I can’t believe you’re doing this. It NEVER should have come to this.” My response was, “you’ve had 7 out of 9 years of me begging you to be responsible and correct your behavior, to support this family financially and emotionally, and you’ve refused to see how serious your neglect was. And I absolutely refuse to continue living under these bizarre, sick circumstances with you wooing your girlfriend right before my eyes. What did you think would happen?”
Ugh, I dread tomorrow. I warned the mediator that he is delusional and will not listen to reason, so she said she is willing to put us in separate rooms in order to get agreement on things. Wish me luck.
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