Sunday, May 8, 2011
DearBubbie on Facebook
Hopefully, we can try to do a better job of updating this page. But otherwise, all our DearBubbie fodder can be found on Facebook. Which is ONE WORD - DearBubbie. If you have a problem you'd like the Bubbies to put their minds on (and thus VAST opinions on how to help), you can write to: DearBubbie@yahoo.com
Saturday, February 19, 2011
National Sunsets Across America Photo Contest
DearBubbie has had a full plate this past year (and she's been licking it clean, literally and metaphorically). Therefore, this blog has taken a back seat to a full-time job as a business owner, part-time job as DearBubbie, and other incidentals - like being a tennis player, wife and mother to pets.
You can find DearBubbie and all the Bubs and Bubbies at DearBubbie (that's ONE word) on Facebook. We hope you'll like enough to click "LIKE". We've been described as the Social Network's Answer to Ann Landers - and hope you can stop by. Soon, we will be updating this blog with 'reprints' from that page.
However, in the meantime, we're working on: "Sunsets Across America (and beyond...) Photo Contest/Exhibit" to be held in Sarasota, Florida on April 2 (rain date is April 9). We are hoping to get a susnset photograph from every state in the U.S. (Makes sense right?)
Everyone can participate - we'll be having separate categories for amateurs and professionals. And there is an Submission fee - but it's LOW compared to other shows. It's $20.00 to enter one photo. After that, $15.00. In most shows, they're considered 'juried exhibits'. That means, you enter, but your piece might NOT be accepted for viewing by the public. NOT SO in this case. Everybody's work will have a chance to be seen.
We have specials for people who post info on this contest on their blogs or websites or facebook pages. Just write to us at: Bubalexy@comcast.net for more info. We are trying our BEST to get this all on our website TODAY. Below is our press release for our event. . .we hope to hear from you. And on Facebook, look for JULIE LONDON PICTURE FRAMING and 'click like' for forthcoming details.
For Immediate Release
February 16, 2011
Contact: Julie London
(941) 921-5096
Sunsets Across America and Beyond
Photo Contest/Exhibit
Julie London Picture Framing, located in Sarasota, FL, is accepting all submissions now through March 25 for their "Sunsets Across America (and beyond)" Photo Contest/Exhibit. Cash prizes, a cruise and gift certificates will be awarded in different categories for professionals and amateurs. Organizers hope to have at least one photo from every state in the U.S.
All entries will be displayed and put up for sale for either the participant or participant's charity. The exhibit takes place at the frame shop in Sarasota, Florida on April 2, 2011 (rain date, April 11). Over 1,000 entries are expected to compete. Judges include former Ringling School of Art faculty member, Bill Buchman.
Entry rules will be posted beginning February 19 at the www.julielondonpictureframing.com website or can be obtained by e-mailing: bubalexy@comcast.net. For further information, call 941-921-5096.
You can find DearBubbie and all the Bubs and Bubbies at DearBubbie (that's ONE word) on Facebook. We hope you'll like enough to click "LIKE". We've been described as the Social Network's Answer to Ann Landers - and hope you can stop by. Soon, we will be updating this blog with 'reprints' from that page.
However, in the meantime, we're working on: "Sunsets Across America (and beyond...) Photo Contest/Exhibit" to be held in Sarasota, Florida on April 2 (rain date is April 9). We are hoping to get a susnset photograph from every state in the U.S. (Makes sense right?)
Everyone can participate - we'll be having separate categories for amateurs and professionals. And there is an Submission fee - but it's LOW compared to other shows. It's $20.00 to enter one photo. After that, $15.00. In most shows, they're considered 'juried exhibits'. That means, you enter, but your piece might NOT be accepted for viewing by the public. NOT SO in this case. Everybody's work will have a chance to be seen.
We have specials for people who post info on this contest on their blogs or websites or facebook pages. Just write to us at: Bubalexy@comcast.net for more info. We are trying our BEST to get this all on our website TODAY. Below is our press release for our event. . .we hope to hear from you. And on Facebook, look for JULIE LONDON PICTURE FRAMING and 'click like' for forthcoming details.
For Immediate Release
February 16, 2011
Contact: Julie London
(941) 921-5096
Sunsets Across America and Beyond
Photo Contest/Exhibit
Julie London Picture Framing, located in Sarasota, FL, is accepting all submissions now through March 25 for their "Sunsets Across America (and beyond)" Photo Contest/Exhibit. Cash prizes, a cruise and gift certificates will be awarded in different categories for professionals and amateurs. Organizers hope to have at least one photo from every state in the U.S.
All entries will be displayed and put up for sale for either the participant or participant's charity. The exhibit takes place at the frame shop in Sarasota, Florida on April 2, 2011 (rain date, April 11). Over 1,000 entries are expected to compete. Judges include former Ringling School of Art faculty member, Bill Buchman.
Entry rules will be posted beginning February 19 at the www.julielondonpictureframing.com website or can be obtained by e-mailing: bubalexy@comcast.net. For further information, call 941-921-5096.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Part FIVE - The Happy Ending
Oh, Dear Bubbie –
Well, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you and all the other Bubbies for your words of encouragement and support. You really helped me through this and for that I am truly appreciative.
It turns out that the threats were more psychological games, because when it came down to it, he did NOT insist on ½ of everything. His main concern was child support, which I will not be asking for because a) I won’t get it anyway if he isn’t working (the mediator said that, given his recent history and his appearance and his unpreparedness for the meeting, she doubted he’d be holding a job any time soon), and b) I can make a request at a later date and pursue child support if I find out he has become employed and is making a decent wage (both my attorney and the mediator told me that I can pursue it later even if the agreement now says “no child support”).
In addition to his fears about child support (and I think that was his main concern), he also managed to accrue over $60000 in debt totally unbeknownst to me. Yep. In addition to the $20,000 that I have to eat (I’ll have pay it when the house sells and lose most of my profit), he also incurred a bunch more debt that I never knew about. No wonder the man has an ulcer that won’t heal!!!
He had borrowed multiple times against an old life insurance policy he has and owes $18,000 for his loans; he was overpaid disability wages AFTER he recuperated and began working before we got married and during our first two or so years together (he always told me this was just a couple thousand, and he would never tell me the entire amount because he knew I’d be “upset”) and now owes the government over $20,000; he took out a student loan for his oldest son from his first marriage, never made payments on it and now owes $8000; he hid some medical bills that he thought we were covered by insurance but were not, so rather than tell me about it, he hid them, and that’s another $3,000; he owes back child support to his ex to the tune of $4,200 he owes $4,000 for some computer equipment he bought before he and I were married; and various other smaller debts.
This all came to light after I had presented what I thought were all of our household debts and assets, and the mediator asked him if he knew of any more debts. He said yes, and he proceeded to go through his files and find each of these. My jaw hit the floor with each announcement. I just kept saying, “I never knew.” I have NO idea what the hell he did with the money, because I was paying all the household expenses. I’m clueless.
Last night, he kept trying to justify it by saying he “had to borrow money to try to pay off some medical expenses” because he knew we were hurting for money due to his lack of a decent income, and that he had to help his son when he kept begging him to take a student loan for him. He kept insisting it was “perfectly okay” to conduct himself this way because he “was never going to let this affect” me. He was going to see to it that I was never liable for any of it. Um, IT’S CONSIDERED MARITAL DEBT, YOU ASS! He just kept insisting that I would never have been on the hook for any of it (bullshit) so I didn’t need to be aware of it.
He tried telling the mediator that he really wanted to take my son with him to CA, but that he wouldn’t do that because I’m a good mother. Like my son would ever go with him, and like he could ever take care of him when he can’t even care for himself. The last couple times he was supposed to watch him, he didn’t even feed him lunch, and I found my son swimming unsupervised one day while the idiot was supposed to be watching him. He will always deny that my son has issues with him and that he has told various teachers that he doesn’t like his dad much and doesn’t feel “safe” with him. He is in such total denial about everything in his life.
So, because he picked that arbitrary date of 12/11,I told him I was going to have him removed, he now has to stick with it. He has to pack up his shit, ship it, and get out. I had to pay him $4,000 so he can ship his belongings and cover other expenses, and I buy him a ticket as I originally offered (with a limit on it of $200), and he goes. The day cost me close to $30,000 all in all, but it’s worth it to be rid of the insanity. AND, if I find out he’s working later on, I can try to collect child support, so his big ace in the hole may not turn out to be such a big win after all.
I ran to the bank yesterday afternoon and cashed in an IRA, got cashier’s checks to pay the lawyer to handle the filing (I don’t have the time, and she’ll get it on the docket immediately), and I paid him his lousy $4,000 last night and had him sign a receipt for it. The lawyer says she may have this done by Christmas. Merry Christmas to me!
I am relieved. I spoke with a good friend of mine this morning, and he said I sound lighter already and the life and happiness is returning to my voice. This person has known me since 7th grade, so he has been there (although long distance) every step of the way. He has watched him go from a “normal,” functioning human being to a psychotic, delusional mess, and he’s been a real sanity check for me at times. Only a handful of people knew what was really going on, as his old friends and family up north were totally convinced by him that I was cheating and doing all sorts of things I couldn’t possibly have been doing, but they all believed him and he always sounded “fine” when they spoke with him. This whole experience was like being trapped inside a big soundproof bubble and screaming at the top of your lungs, but nobody could hear.
On to the next chapter, huh? The only thing he did for me on a daily basis was sit home all day and let my dogs out, so that’s my only real concern now -- how to get the dogs let out without having to run home at lunchtime every day. Tells you how much of a contribution he made in the scheme of the household operations.
I can NOT believe all that has transpired this week. Thank goodness that mediator was able to get him to agree on everything. My only loss is the child support. I’ve got my son (with visits allowed ONLY in our city of residence and at a site chosen by me, and he can NOT drive with him in his car, and I made added a special clause that my son is not allowed to fly to visit his father anywhere until he’s 18, so he MUST come here), and I’ll have peace in my house again. Come on, December 9th! Can’t come fast enough for me!
Thank you, thank, you, thank you!
DearBubbie follow-up to letter writer
Jody, I am in tears.
While he's a classic case of an abuser, YOU are one unusual woman. You have exhibited such FOCUS and CLARITY. I am speechless at what you achieved.
I can't wait to reprint all of this. You know what, Jody? If you can get through what you got through yesterday - you really CAN do anything. If you said, I want to be a millionaire - with ALL MY HEART, I believe you could be. Jody, you don't just talk the talk - you WALK THE WALK.
Do you realize what you accomplished? Do you have any idea? You TOOK back your life. You got your life back and saved your son. I don't think you realize the magnitude of your achievement. This is better than graduating from college. THIS is one hell of a story. . .and I can't WAIT for the next wonderful chapter.
Kudos to the att'y. . she facilitated this. Shocking. Well done. Cost you $30grand? That's ONE year of college. You got your life back, Jody. Tread lightly around the house. December 11 IS right around the corner. Be cool. Don't show your cards. LOVE yourself, your Mom, your son and your renewed life.
Congratulations, Jody. I'm in disbelief. You're my inspiration. And you'll be one for others, too.
Well, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you and all the other Bubbies for your words of encouragement and support. You really helped me through this and for that I am truly appreciative.
It turns out that the threats were more psychological games, because when it came down to it, he did NOT insist on ½ of everything. His main concern was child support, which I will not be asking for because a) I won’t get it anyway if he isn’t working (the mediator said that, given his recent history and his appearance and his unpreparedness for the meeting, she doubted he’d be holding a job any time soon), and b) I can make a request at a later date and pursue child support if I find out he has become employed and is making a decent wage (both my attorney and the mediator told me that I can pursue it later even if the agreement now says “no child support”).
In addition to his fears about child support (and I think that was his main concern), he also managed to accrue over $60000 in debt totally unbeknownst to me. Yep. In addition to the $20,000 that I have to eat (I’ll have pay it when the house sells and lose most of my profit), he also incurred a bunch more debt that I never knew about. No wonder the man has an ulcer that won’t heal!!!
He had borrowed multiple times against an old life insurance policy he has and owes $18,000 for his loans; he was overpaid disability wages AFTER he recuperated and began working before we got married and during our first two or so years together (he always told me this was just a couple thousand, and he would never tell me the entire amount because he knew I’d be “upset”) and now owes the government over $20,000; he took out a student loan for his oldest son from his first marriage, never made payments on it and now owes $8000; he hid some medical bills that he thought we were covered by insurance but were not, so rather than tell me about it, he hid them, and that’s another $3,000; he owes back child support to his ex to the tune of $4,200 he owes $4,000 for some computer equipment he bought before he and I were married; and various other smaller debts.
This all came to light after I had presented what I thought were all of our household debts and assets, and the mediator asked him if he knew of any more debts. He said yes, and he proceeded to go through his files and find each of these. My jaw hit the floor with each announcement. I just kept saying, “I never knew.” I have NO idea what the hell he did with the money, because I was paying all the household expenses. I’m clueless.
Last night, he kept trying to justify it by saying he “had to borrow money to try to pay off some medical expenses” because he knew we were hurting for money due to his lack of a decent income, and that he had to help his son when he kept begging him to take a student loan for him. He kept insisting it was “perfectly okay” to conduct himself this way because he “was never going to let this affect” me. He was going to see to it that I was never liable for any of it. Um, IT’S CONSIDERED MARITAL DEBT, YOU ASS! He just kept insisting that I would never have been on the hook for any of it (bullshit) so I didn’t need to be aware of it.
He tried telling the mediator that he really wanted to take my son with him to CA, but that he wouldn’t do that because I’m a good mother. Like my son would ever go with him, and like he could ever take care of him when he can’t even care for himself. The last couple times he was supposed to watch him, he didn’t even feed him lunch, and I found my son swimming unsupervised one day while the idiot was supposed to be watching him. He will always deny that my son has issues with him and that he has told various teachers that he doesn’t like his dad much and doesn’t feel “safe” with him. He is in such total denial about everything in his life.
So, because he picked that arbitrary date of 12/11,I told him I was going to have him removed, he now has to stick with it. He has to pack up his shit, ship it, and get out. I had to pay him $4,000 so he can ship his belongings and cover other expenses, and I buy him a ticket as I originally offered (with a limit on it of $200), and he goes. The day cost me close to $30,000 all in all, but it’s worth it to be rid of the insanity. AND, if I find out he’s working later on, I can try to collect child support, so his big ace in the hole may not turn out to be such a big win after all.
I ran to the bank yesterday afternoon and cashed in an IRA, got cashier’s checks to pay the lawyer to handle the filing (I don’t have the time, and she’ll get it on the docket immediately), and I paid him his lousy $4,000 last night and had him sign a receipt for it. The lawyer says she may have this done by Christmas. Merry Christmas to me!
I am relieved. I spoke with a good friend of mine this morning, and he said I sound lighter already and the life and happiness is returning to my voice. This person has known me since 7th grade, so he has been there (although long distance) every step of the way. He has watched him go from a “normal,” functioning human being to a psychotic, delusional mess, and he’s been a real sanity check for me at times. Only a handful of people knew what was really going on, as his old friends and family up north were totally convinced by him that I was cheating and doing all sorts of things I couldn’t possibly have been doing, but they all believed him and he always sounded “fine” when they spoke with him. This whole experience was like being trapped inside a big soundproof bubble and screaming at the top of your lungs, but nobody could hear.
On to the next chapter, huh? The only thing he did for me on a daily basis was sit home all day and let my dogs out, so that’s my only real concern now -- how to get the dogs let out without having to run home at lunchtime every day. Tells you how much of a contribution he made in the scheme of the household operations.
I can NOT believe all that has transpired this week. Thank goodness that mediator was able to get him to agree on everything. My only loss is the child support. I’ve got my son (with visits allowed ONLY in our city of residence and at a site chosen by me, and he can NOT drive with him in his car, and I made added a special clause that my son is not allowed to fly to visit his father anywhere until he’s 18, so he MUST come here), and I’ll have peace in my house again. Come on, December 9th! Can’t come fast enough for me!
Thank you, thank, you, thank you!
DearBubbie follow-up to letter writer
Jody, I am in tears.
While he's a classic case of an abuser, YOU are one unusual woman. You have exhibited such FOCUS and CLARITY. I am speechless at what you achieved.
I can't wait to reprint all of this. You know what, Jody? If you can get through what you got through yesterday - you really CAN do anything. If you said, I want to be a millionaire - with ALL MY HEART, I believe you could be. Jody, you don't just talk the talk - you WALK THE WALK.
Do you realize what you accomplished? Do you have any idea? You TOOK back your life. You got your life back and saved your son. I don't think you realize the magnitude of your achievement. This is better than graduating from college. THIS is one hell of a story. . .and I can't WAIT for the next wonderful chapter.
Kudos to the att'y. . she facilitated this. Shocking. Well done. Cost you $30grand? That's ONE year of college. You got your life back, Jody. Tread lightly around the house. December 11 IS right around the corner. Be cool. Don't show your cards. LOVE yourself, your Mom, your son and your renewed life.
Congratulations, Jody. I'm in disbelief. You're my inspiration. And you'll be one for others, too.
Part Four: She Dreads Going Home Every Day
First, I’m calling the lawyer I met with before to set up an appointment for tomorrow. My mother actually got so uncontrollably upset by the events this weekend that SHE put in a call to the lawyer on her cell, which is for “emergencies only.” The att'y told her she wants to get moving in light of the events of late regarding the girlfriend, so she wants me to fill out some planning forms today and see her tomorrow. I will give her this chance to change my mind about her being in “my court.” As I said, she’s tough, but I just didn’t get the impression last time that she would do anything to protect me and fight for me, and that she was going to just play by the book and watch me hand over a portion of everything I own when the lousy S.O.B. doesn’t deserve a penny.
I don’t mind at all if you post my stuff for the other Bubbies. I have always loved reading some of the great advice they give, which is why I decided to solicit your opinion on all this. I know you remove specifics and protect my identity, so go for it!
I am fortunate that my DH has his next victim lined up, because he is willing to go to her, however, his sister has given him the advice that he should wait until we have a meeting with a mediator to discuss child custody arrangements and other issues, so he said he can’t go until that happens. I told him that may be quite a ways down the line, but that is what he is saying now.
On the other hand, he and his “friend” have chosen December 11 as the day he can fly to be with her. No, I do not know the significance of the 9th, but they picked a day. So, I asked him, “if you’ve picked a date, does that mean I’m supposed to buy you a one-way ticket out of here?” He said yes. I told him that I’m not making any such purchase if he is going to insist that he first attend a meeting with the mediator, and I certainly cannot guarantee that a meeting will happen prior to Dec. 11. So, the good news is he’s willing to go, and he will be FAR away, but the bad news is that he has been advised not to go until after that meeting.
He said he knows he won’t be able to afford to return for quite some time once he gets out there, so he wants to have the meeting while he can and let me handle the court appearances for the divorce myself. I’ll see what the lawyer says about all this. I have my own list of what I’m willing to do, and I’m not eating the debt I’ve had to incur as a result of HIM not contributing unless he’s willing to make a major concession on his part, and I’m sure you can guess what that is.
It was quite a weekend with him and his ongoing head games. He does little things to annoy, like turning the TV back on every time I turn it off (because NOBODY is in the room and nobody is watching it). He turns it on, then goes and sits on the lanai. I turn it off. He walks back in and turns it on, then walks back out and sits on the lanai. He is such a child. I have the house on the market, so I’m always trying to keep the clutter picked up. He has a slew of stomach medicines because of the ulcer, like Tums, Brioschi, and some prescription antacids. I cleared all of this off the vanity and off the top of the medicine cabinet months ago to keep the bathroom looking neat. This weekend, he went back to his old habit of storing all these bottles across the top of the medicine cabinet. I saw them on Saturday and took them down. The next time he used the bathroom, he put them back up. I took them down and asked him to leave them down because it looked so sloppy. He put them back up.
This went on all weekend. I asked him again this morning to PLEASE Keep them down so the bathroom looks neater. He always has to get defensive and accuse me of something when I ask him to do something, so his response was, “why? You have a few bottles on your dresser, so what’s the difference?” I said, “having a couple of decorative lotion or spray bottles on the dresser doesn’t look sloppy because they’re attractive. Bottles of Brioschi and prescriptions stomach meds are NOT decorative and having them lined up all across the medicine cabinet is NOT attractive. It’s messy and the clultter does not look good when the house is shown.“ This is just another example of how he likes to annoy and push buttons. Like a child seeking negative attention because it’s better than none.
I started having computer problems this weekend, and I can’t prove it’s him, but I’d bet money on it. He was probably trying to make sure I couldn’t do my online banking because he didn’t want me to see the money he spent last week. He spent about $250 last week on sandwiches and other food items (even though we have a house full of food), cigarettes ($50 a carton and I’ve been asking him to quit for years for health reasons and financial ones), some stuff at Walmart, and he bought himself a computer web cam. Yep, bought a web cam when I’m struggling to pay the bills. I asked him how he can possibly justify these purchases when I’m not even able to make ends meet, and he got into some strange twisting conversation about his stomach and the phone and how he didn’t talk to “her” yesterday. Never answers the question at hand. He’s spent $500 the past month on “stuff.” You can bet I have copies of the transaction list to take to the lawyer, too. Talking to him is a real mind-blower sometimes. When he‘s guilty of something, he’ll get off on any other tangent he can think of to try and derail the conversation. I just started laughing it was so ridiculous. There is NO talking logic with him whatsoever.
As to your concern about the therapy, my son doesn’t mind at all so far. He is just warming up to her and has only started to open up about his feelings, and so far he has just cracked that door open ever so slightly. I also got him started there so she can work with his mild ADD issues, so she’s content focusing on the ADD until he feels like talking more. He did draw a hell of a picture, however, where he had me, him and our pets at one end of two sheets of paper that HE stapled together, and he drew his father way down at the other end away from everyone else. Of course he stuck a big ol’ cigarette in his dad’s mouth ‘cause he’s always out on the lanai smoking while we’re inside doing “real” stuff like homework, playing games or watching movies. It was quite a telling picture. The psychotherapist who was in the room at the time just said, “Wow.”
Well, wish me luck tomorrow, and I will heed your warning about not doing too much at once. I’ve got a ton of stuff to deal with even if I can get him out and get some peace of mind. That would be the first step, and I’ll take it a step at a time after that.
Thanks again, and I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Ugh. I dread going home today. There’s nothing worse than hating to go to your own home every day.
Hugs to you for all your support.
HER NEXT LETTER: UGH SHE DREADS THIS MEETING
Hi, my dearest Bubbie –
Ugh. Meeting with lawyer was NOT pretty, and I still don’t like her, but we’re going to try the mediator route rather than a court battle, since a full court battle with Ms. Attorney representing me could run $20k - $30k, so I won’t have to deal with her other than filing the appropriate paperwork at various times. On the other hand, she assured me that she can have this whole mess resolved by the end of the year or shortly thereafter if my DH will agree on all terms set forth in the mediation.
She basically told me I’m screwed and there’s nothing she can do to prevent him from getting his hands on MY money even though he left me high and dry financially for 9 years and has been contributing nothing but a measly unemployment check for over a year. Apparently it doesn’t matter that he’s put me deep in debt, used up my savings cushion, spent his 401k money on CIGARETTES and other non-necessities and has failed to conduct himself like a responsible adult, either financially or emotionally. None of that matters in the eyes of the court. That sucks!
I get screwed for being the responsible one and for making sure my son had a good quality of life despite his father’s antics, and there’s nothing anyone can or will do to protect ME. But, the freeloading bum gets a nice-size check and can negoatiate to make me pay his way to his girlfriend’s house, and he basically gets to call the shots when it comes to custody issues, otherwise a judge could give him even more if I let this go to court.
Good news is he DOES have his next meal ticket lined up and he’s willing to go, so I have to move while he’s amenable. I had to laugh at this, however: When I told him I’d reached the breaking point with him calling his girlfriend right in front of my face while I correct homework with our son, he agreed to speak with “her” about a time when he could move.
I emailed him yesterday with the information for our date with the mediator, which is TOMORROW, Thursday, and his response was, “why are YOU in such a hurry to take this step? Why are you doing it so soon? What’s the rush?” Um, well, there’s the fact that you said you’d like me to buy your airline ticket for 12/11, and then there’s the fact that I REFUSE to continue to live with your psychological games and watch you call your girlfriend on the phone while I’m looking right at you and your son is 15 feet away… Pick a reason, ass.
I told him this morning that what he really needs to do is load all his crap in his car, drive it to his dad’s for storage, and fly from there. He said he planned on ME shipping his stuff. I said absolutely not, I can’t afford such a shipping cost and I’m already paying his airline ticket out of here. I told him maybe his girlfriend could chip in and have the stuff sent, and he said, “no, she’s broke.” LOL. I had to remind him that he has ruined me finanaiclly over these 9 years, but he still refuses to acknowledge that. He just wants to go denying what he’s done and believe that somehow I’ll come up with whatever money he needs. The nerve of him! Then he asked if I couldn’t just “hold onto his stuff” for the time being, and I laughed at that. I’m going to be downsizing to a rental (first rental in 20 years, thank you very much), and there’s NO way I’m keeping his shit! If he doesn’t take it, it’s garbage.
So, on to the mediator tomorrow. He has acknowledged that he has no clue when he’ll be able to fly back here, so putting together a parenting plan will just have to remain open-ended. We’ll come up with some way to word it tomorrow.
On the financial affidavit, he’s trying to claim all sorts of household expenses on his sheet when it’s my salary that pays for everything! He’s just amazing. I have to get him to give on the division of assets, because the profit from selling the house will be miniscule and I have to use that to pay off debts, so he really doesn’t deserve anything. I have to make him see that we should calculate what he thinks he’s getting, MINUS the debts since he brought them on us, and he should only get the result of that calculation. Yeah, right. I can dream, can’t I?
Wish me luck tomorrow. I have to hammer this out and get him on his way. This is going to be rough handling this house and all the responsibilities alone, but the only thing he did during the course of everyday life is let the dogs out since he was home anyway, and feed them in the late afternoon. I know It won’t be much different, and it will get easier when I sell the house and move to something that’s less maintenance.
He said this morning, “I can’t believe you’re doing this. It NEVER should have come to this.” My response was, “you’ve had 7 out of 9 years of me begging you to be responsible and correct your behavior, to support this family financially and emotionally, and you’ve refused to see how serious your neglect was. And I absolutely refuse to continue living under these bizarre, sick circumstances with you wooing your girlfriend right before my eyes. What did you think would happen?”
Ugh, I dread tomorrow. I warned the mediator that he is delusional and will not listen to reason, so she said she is willing to put us in separate rooms in order to get agreement on things. Wish me luck.
I don’t mind at all if you post my stuff for the other Bubbies. I have always loved reading some of the great advice they give, which is why I decided to solicit your opinion on all this. I know you remove specifics and protect my identity, so go for it!
I am fortunate that my DH has his next victim lined up, because he is willing to go to her, however, his sister has given him the advice that he should wait until we have a meeting with a mediator to discuss child custody arrangements and other issues, so he said he can’t go until that happens. I told him that may be quite a ways down the line, but that is what he is saying now.
On the other hand, he and his “friend” have chosen December 11 as the day he can fly to be with her. No, I do not know the significance of the 9th, but they picked a day. So, I asked him, “if you’ve picked a date, does that mean I’m supposed to buy you a one-way ticket out of here?” He said yes. I told him that I’m not making any such purchase if he is going to insist that he first attend a meeting with the mediator, and I certainly cannot guarantee that a meeting will happen prior to Dec. 11. So, the good news is he’s willing to go, and he will be FAR away, but the bad news is that he has been advised not to go until after that meeting.
He said he knows he won’t be able to afford to return for quite some time once he gets out there, so he wants to have the meeting while he can and let me handle the court appearances for the divorce myself. I’ll see what the lawyer says about all this. I have my own list of what I’m willing to do, and I’m not eating the debt I’ve had to incur as a result of HIM not contributing unless he’s willing to make a major concession on his part, and I’m sure you can guess what that is.
It was quite a weekend with him and his ongoing head games. He does little things to annoy, like turning the TV back on every time I turn it off (because NOBODY is in the room and nobody is watching it). He turns it on, then goes and sits on the lanai. I turn it off. He walks back in and turns it on, then walks back out and sits on the lanai. He is such a child. I have the house on the market, so I’m always trying to keep the clutter picked up. He has a slew of stomach medicines because of the ulcer, like Tums, Brioschi, and some prescription antacids. I cleared all of this off the vanity and off the top of the medicine cabinet months ago to keep the bathroom looking neat. This weekend, he went back to his old habit of storing all these bottles across the top of the medicine cabinet. I saw them on Saturday and took them down. The next time he used the bathroom, he put them back up. I took them down and asked him to leave them down because it looked so sloppy. He put them back up.
This went on all weekend. I asked him again this morning to PLEASE Keep them down so the bathroom looks neater. He always has to get defensive and accuse me of something when I ask him to do something, so his response was, “why? You have a few bottles on your dresser, so what’s the difference?” I said, “having a couple of decorative lotion or spray bottles on the dresser doesn’t look sloppy because they’re attractive. Bottles of Brioschi and prescriptions stomach meds are NOT decorative and having them lined up all across the medicine cabinet is NOT attractive. It’s messy and the clultter does not look good when the house is shown.“ This is just another example of how he likes to annoy and push buttons. Like a child seeking negative attention because it’s better than none.
I started having computer problems this weekend, and I can’t prove it’s him, but I’d bet money on it. He was probably trying to make sure I couldn’t do my online banking because he didn’t want me to see the money he spent last week. He spent about $250 last week on sandwiches and other food items (even though we have a house full of food), cigarettes ($50 a carton and I’ve been asking him to quit for years for health reasons and financial ones), some stuff at Walmart, and he bought himself a computer web cam. Yep, bought a web cam when I’m struggling to pay the bills. I asked him how he can possibly justify these purchases when I’m not even able to make ends meet, and he got into some strange twisting conversation about his stomach and the phone and how he didn’t talk to “her” yesterday. Never answers the question at hand. He’s spent $500 the past month on “stuff.” You can bet I have copies of the transaction list to take to the lawyer, too. Talking to him is a real mind-blower sometimes. When he‘s guilty of something, he’ll get off on any other tangent he can think of to try and derail the conversation. I just started laughing it was so ridiculous. There is NO talking logic with him whatsoever.
As to your concern about the therapy, my son doesn’t mind at all so far. He is just warming up to her and has only started to open up about his feelings, and so far he has just cracked that door open ever so slightly. I also got him started there so she can work with his mild ADD issues, so she’s content focusing on the ADD until he feels like talking more. He did draw a hell of a picture, however, where he had me, him and our pets at one end of two sheets of paper that HE stapled together, and he drew his father way down at the other end away from everyone else. Of course he stuck a big ol’ cigarette in his dad’s mouth ‘cause he’s always out on the lanai smoking while we’re inside doing “real” stuff like homework, playing games or watching movies. It was quite a telling picture. The psychotherapist who was in the room at the time just said, “Wow.”
Well, wish me luck tomorrow, and I will heed your warning about not doing too much at once. I’ve got a ton of stuff to deal with even if I can get him out and get some peace of mind. That would be the first step, and I’ll take it a step at a time after that.
Thanks again, and I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Ugh. I dread going home today. There’s nothing worse than hating to go to your own home every day.
Hugs to you for all your support.
HER NEXT LETTER: UGH SHE DREADS THIS MEETING
Hi, my dearest Bubbie –
Ugh. Meeting with lawyer was NOT pretty, and I still don’t like her, but we’re going to try the mediator route rather than a court battle, since a full court battle with Ms. Attorney representing me could run $20k - $30k, so I won’t have to deal with her other than filing the appropriate paperwork at various times. On the other hand, she assured me that she can have this whole mess resolved by the end of the year or shortly thereafter if my DH will agree on all terms set forth in the mediation.
She basically told me I’m screwed and there’s nothing she can do to prevent him from getting his hands on MY money even though he left me high and dry financially for 9 years and has been contributing nothing but a measly unemployment check for over a year. Apparently it doesn’t matter that he’s put me deep in debt, used up my savings cushion, spent his 401k money on CIGARETTES and other non-necessities and has failed to conduct himself like a responsible adult, either financially or emotionally. None of that matters in the eyes of the court. That sucks!
I get screwed for being the responsible one and for making sure my son had a good quality of life despite his father’s antics, and there’s nothing anyone can or will do to protect ME. But, the freeloading bum gets a nice-size check and can negoatiate to make me pay his way to his girlfriend’s house, and he basically gets to call the shots when it comes to custody issues, otherwise a judge could give him even more if I let this go to court.
Good news is he DOES have his next meal ticket lined up and he’s willing to go, so I have to move while he’s amenable. I had to laugh at this, however: When I told him I’d reached the breaking point with him calling his girlfriend right in front of my face while I correct homework with our son, he agreed to speak with “her” about a time when he could move.
I emailed him yesterday with the information for our date with the mediator, which is TOMORROW, Thursday, and his response was, “why are YOU in such a hurry to take this step? Why are you doing it so soon? What’s the rush?” Um, well, there’s the fact that you said you’d like me to buy your airline ticket for 12/11, and then there’s the fact that I REFUSE to continue to live with your psychological games and watch you call your girlfriend on the phone while I’m looking right at you and your son is 15 feet away… Pick a reason, ass.
I told him this morning that what he really needs to do is load all his crap in his car, drive it to his dad’s for storage, and fly from there. He said he planned on ME shipping his stuff. I said absolutely not, I can’t afford such a shipping cost and I’m already paying his airline ticket out of here. I told him maybe his girlfriend could chip in and have the stuff sent, and he said, “no, she’s broke.” LOL. I had to remind him that he has ruined me finanaiclly over these 9 years, but he still refuses to acknowledge that. He just wants to go denying what he’s done and believe that somehow I’ll come up with whatever money he needs. The nerve of him! Then he asked if I couldn’t just “hold onto his stuff” for the time being, and I laughed at that. I’m going to be downsizing to a rental (first rental in 20 years, thank you very much), and there’s NO way I’m keeping his shit! If he doesn’t take it, it’s garbage.
So, on to the mediator tomorrow. He has acknowledged that he has no clue when he’ll be able to fly back here, so putting together a parenting plan will just have to remain open-ended. We’ll come up with some way to word it tomorrow.
On the financial affidavit, he’s trying to claim all sorts of household expenses on his sheet when it’s my salary that pays for everything! He’s just amazing. I have to get him to give on the division of assets, because the profit from selling the house will be miniscule and I have to use that to pay off debts, so he really doesn’t deserve anything. I have to make him see that we should calculate what he thinks he’s getting, MINUS the debts since he brought them on us, and he should only get the result of that calculation. Yeah, right. I can dream, can’t I?
Wish me luck tomorrow. I have to hammer this out and get him on his way. This is going to be rough handling this house and all the responsibilities alone, but the only thing he did during the course of everyday life is let the dogs out since he was home anyway, and feed them in the late afternoon. I know It won’t be much different, and it will get easier when I sell the house and move to something that’s less maintenance.
He said this morning, “I can’t believe you’re doing this. It NEVER should have come to this.” My response was, “you’ve had 7 out of 9 years of me begging you to be responsible and correct your behavior, to support this family financially and emotionally, and you’ve refused to see how serious your neglect was. And I absolutely refuse to continue living under these bizarre, sick circumstances with you wooing your girlfriend right before my eyes. What did you think would happen?”
Ugh, I dread tomorrow. I warned the mediator that he is delusional and will not listen to reason, so she said she is willing to put us in separate rooms in order to get agreement on things. Wish me luck.
Part 3 Making Plans for the Next Step
I’ve avoided thinking about the bankruptcy option because I’ve always had great credit, but losing the debts he’s caused isn’t looking so bad now, plus I know I can build my credit up again since I pay all my bills on time. My only concern was that I wanted to buy a house as soon as I get relocated (or even downsize here if I had to stay here), and a bankruptcy would obviously affect my ability to get a loan.
I hear you on the “armor” thought. I’ve been trying to NOT react at all to anything, even when he sits on the other side of the slider talking to his girlfriend on the phone while I sit in the kitchen doing homework with my son. Talk about an “in your face” move! Can you believe the gall? I have a friend who’s been through lots of therapy, and he keeps telling me the same thing: Don’t make it “fun” for him. Do NOT react, do NOT engage in battles.
I agree with keeping my moves to myself, but I told him last night that I WOULD be filing and he WOULD be receiving papers soon, and that he may as well move now before a sheriff’s deputy escorts him out of the house and he’s forced to go to his dad’s, which he says he doesn’t want to do. His only comment at that was, “I don’t have any money to move.” I said, “I will come up with the money to ship your stuff and get you a ticket. Start packing and tell her you’re coming.” He didn’t say no, so maybe I can get him to leave now. He’s always said, “I’m not going anywhere,” but maybe I can get him to go if she has agreed to let him come. He must be figuring she’ll take care of him financially
The thought of financial security is probably very appealing to him, especially if he thinks he wouldn’t be expected to get a job. It’s seeming to me that he got himself fired here intentionally after he fulfilled his child support obligations to his ex, but I have continued to demand that he be responsible and make a contribution to this family (financially AND emotionally), and perhaps he thought I was going to let him slide after child support ended.
As to your suggestion to write everything down and keep records, I document everything. I write notes every day on what occurred the previous night at home, and I have notes that go all the way back to my memories of the early days, so I probably have close to 200 pages of notes (and counting).
I went to the Womens Resource Center last spring. They gave me lots of good ideas on courses/seminars aimed at helping women in bad positions like this, but I can’t take the daytime ones because I work, and I am busy with my son when I leave here so I can’t do that either. I need to just get with a lawyer, talk strategy and proceed, and also perhaps look into the bankruptcy option to save myself from drowning in debt. Does that sound good next steps to you? Strategize with lawyer and also talk about bankruptcy? Can a divorce lawyer also help with the bankruptcy or do I need a separate lawyer for that?
In the meantime, let me know if you get any names, and thanks again for the words of encouragement. I can’t tell you how relieved it makes me feel to know that someone with an objective opinion sees this clearly and agrees with my tactics to date. Sometimes it is all so overwhelming I start to second guess my perception and everything I do in response, and it also seems sometimes like I’ll never get out of this mess, but then you make me see that it WILL be okay, eventually, and I am strong and I WILL get out of this.
HER NEXT LETTER WAS THIS:
Oh, BTW, I offered hubby a cash “bribe” a couple months ago in an attempt to get him out, and he said no. Said he’s not doing this for the money. I think he just wants someone to handle all of life’s responsibilities and pay his way, so he can just go along for the ride and have no worries. That’s why I say he’s a 50-year-old adolescent. Expects “mommy” to do everything for him and he has no responsibilities whatsoever, financial, emotional or otherwise.
I had to laugh when I read your comment about telling “her” (the girlfriend) hello, because that’s exactly what I do. Even in the middle of the night, if I walk out there and see him on the phone, I just say, “tell her hi,” or “ask her when you can move out there.” It doesn’t bother me in the least. It just bothers me that he’s doing it on my dime and in my face. I go nuts from morning ‘til night with work, housework, pets, my son and trying to salvage time for my own workouts (which I KNOW I need to stay sane), and he does nothing but sit on the lanai or on the couch talking to his “friend,” or sitting on the computer on Facebook most of the day. What a scum.
Thanks also for the comment on my abilities as a parent. I try so hard to keep things “normal” and fun for my son, and I got him into therapy a few months ago to head off any long-term effects his father may be having on him. He is just starting to open up to his therapist a little, and he tells her he doesn’t like his dad or how emotionally neglectful he is, so hopefully he’ll continue to open up to her as he gets to know her better and gets more comfortable. I wanted to be sure I got him into counseling before it really got to him. I also have him in tae kwon do, which is a great physical and emotional outlet. The staff at his TKD school are very loving and supportive, and I try to surround him with as many positive things as I can to counter the negative effects of his dad. He made gold honor roll at school this quarter and does well in school, so I think I’ve managed to keep him on track so far!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support. You have really brought me a sense of “I’m doing okay,” if you know what I mean. I was starting to wonder. ;)
I hear you on the “armor” thought. I’ve been trying to NOT react at all to anything, even when he sits on the other side of the slider talking to his girlfriend on the phone while I sit in the kitchen doing homework with my son. Talk about an “in your face” move! Can you believe the gall? I have a friend who’s been through lots of therapy, and he keeps telling me the same thing: Don’t make it “fun” for him. Do NOT react, do NOT engage in battles.
I agree with keeping my moves to myself, but I told him last night that I WOULD be filing and he WOULD be receiving papers soon, and that he may as well move now before a sheriff’s deputy escorts him out of the house and he’s forced to go to his dad’s, which he says he doesn’t want to do. His only comment at that was, “I don’t have any money to move.” I said, “I will come up with the money to ship your stuff and get you a ticket. Start packing and tell her you’re coming.” He didn’t say no, so maybe I can get him to leave now. He’s always said, “I’m not going anywhere,” but maybe I can get him to go if she has agreed to let him come. He must be figuring she’ll take care of him financially
The thought of financial security is probably very appealing to him, especially if he thinks he wouldn’t be expected to get a job. It’s seeming to me that he got himself fired here intentionally after he fulfilled his child support obligations to his ex, but I have continued to demand that he be responsible and make a contribution to this family (financially AND emotionally), and perhaps he thought I was going to let him slide after child support ended.
As to your suggestion to write everything down and keep records, I document everything. I write notes every day on what occurred the previous night at home, and I have notes that go all the way back to my memories of the early days, so I probably have close to 200 pages of notes (and counting).
I went to the Womens Resource Center last spring. They gave me lots of good ideas on courses/seminars aimed at helping women in bad positions like this, but I can’t take the daytime ones because I work, and I am busy with my son when I leave here so I can’t do that either. I need to just get with a lawyer, talk strategy and proceed, and also perhaps look into the bankruptcy option to save myself from drowning in debt. Does that sound good next steps to you? Strategize with lawyer and also talk about bankruptcy? Can a divorce lawyer also help with the bankruptcy or do I need a separate lawyer for that?
In the meantime, let me know if you get any names, and thanks again for the words of encouragement. I can’t tell you how relieved it makes me feel to know that someone with an objective opinion sees this clearly and agrees with my tactics to date. Sometimes it is all so overwhelming I start to second guess my perception and everything I do in response, and it also seems sometimes like I’ll never get out of this mess, but then you make me see that it WILL be okay, eventually, and I am strong and I WILL get out of this.
HER NEXT LETTER WAS THIS:
Oh, BTW, I offered hubby a cash “bribe” a couple months ago in an attempt to get him out, and he said no. Said he’s not doing this for the money. I think he just wants someone to handle all of life’s responsibilities and pay his way, so he can just go along for the ride and have no worries. That’s why I say he’s a 50-year-old adolescent. Expects “mommy” to do everything for him and he has no responsibilities whatsoever, financial, emotional or otherwise.
I had to laugh when I read your comment about telling “her” (the girlfriend) hello, because that’s exactly what I do. Even in the middle of the night, if I walk out there and see him on the phone, I just say, “tell her hi,” or “ask her when you can move out there.” It doesn’t bother me in the least. It just bothers me that he’s doing it on my dime and in my face. I go nuts from morning ‘til night with work, housework, pets, my son and trying to salvage time for my own workouts (which I KNOW I need to stay sane), and he does nothing but sit on the lanai or on the couch talking to his “friend,” or sitting on the computer on Facebook most of the day. What a scum.
Thanks also for the comment on my abilities as a parent. I try so hard to keep things “normal” and fun for my son, and I got him into therapy a few months ago to head off any long-term effects his father may be having on him. He is just starting to open up to his therapist a little, and he tells her he doesn’t like his dad or how emotionally neglectful he is, so hopefully he’ll continue to open up to her as he gets to know her better and gets more comfortable. I wanted to be sure I got him into counseling before it really got to him. I also have him in tae kwon do, which is a great physical and emotional outlet. The staff at his TKD school are very loving and supportive, and I try to surround him with as many positive things as I can to counter the negative effects of his dad. He made gold honor roll at school this quarter and does well in school, so I think I’ve managed to keep him on track so far!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support. You have really brought me a sense of “I’m doing okay,” if you know what I mean. I was starting to wonder. ;)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
PART II (from story below)
Thanks for the supportive response. I mean that. As time goes on, this becomes SUCH an emotional drain that it seems I’ll never achieve my dream of a life for me and my son without the psychological games his father plays, so it’s good to hear someone unbiased say that they see hope! Thanks for that. I’m a very strong person, and I AM proactive. You’ll see that I don’t sit back waiting for life to come my way – I believe in making things happen, but this one is taking its toll on me, that’s for sure.
I woke up at 12:30 this morning to find him hunkered down in the family room behind closed doors (again), talking to his girlfriend. I try to ignore him, don’t bite when he tries to bait me into arguments, and basically just go about life as if he doesn’t exist, but when he flaunts this incredibly disrespectful behavior in my face, I can’t help but ask him HOW he possibly can think this is OKAY behavior? I again asked him to PLEASE go live with his dad, stop the emotional torture, and he can call her as often as he likes. He slipped and told me she’s broke, so I guess that’s why he is in no rush to run to her – nothing to gain financially. I reminded him that he has broken me, too, and that there will be nothing left from the house sale after I pay off the debts he’s caused me, so he’s not going to get anything from me either. I know I should ignore him at all costs and not let him engage me in these ridiculous, twisted, delusional conversations, because his goal here is to make ME seem like a shrew to justify his bad behavior, but sometimes he gets me so angry I just have to tell him how insane his comments are! I have to get better at biting my tongue.
Regarding the phone, my concern is that a judge (whenever we get to that point) or a mediator will think it “cruel” of me to remove his phone privileges and access to emergency services. He could claim that, because of his stomach bouts, he needs to be able to call his doctor, and I don’t want to put myself in a bad light for denying him access to medical attention. That’s the same reason I won’t take my SEP (from my boss) and “hide” it where he can’t get his portion, because that will make me look deceptive in the eyes of the court. I don’t need any more points against me if I’m going to salvage anything out of this as far as my assets. I’ve thought about turning off the FiOS TV, internet and everything else, too, but I can’t do that because I need the internet for my banking, my son needs TV and internet, and I can’t make everyone else suffer any more than they already are just to spite my husband. I would love to make his life so uncomfortable he would leave, but that costs everyone else too much, and, again, I don’t know that the judge would look kindly on that.
I have limited his access to financial resources by opening an account that only I can access, and I only leave some of his unemployment compensation in the old account for him to use for his medications, cigarettes, etc. Oh, that’s another sore point: The cigarettes. Here I am, trying to sell the house because I’m going broke, and he spends roughly $250 per month on cigarettes. This could also be one reason the ulcers won’t heal since smoking will prohibit any internal conditions from healing properly. He could probably get his pain doctor to say that he NEEDS the pain meds because of an old injury he suffered back in the '80's. He’s been on oxycontin and other meds ever since, so, again, a judge may see that at cruel punishment if I deny him his pain meds. Don’t you think?
To answer your question as to how he could afford legal counsel, he could take his unemployment income, which amounts to about $700/month after cigarettes, and use that for a lawyer if he were to go live with his father rent-free. While I would still have all the bills to pay, he would be free to use all his money to fight me. I, on the other hand, have nothing to use for a lawyer, and I may have to reimburse him for legal fees if I’m the one to file. Doesn’t the person filing usually have to pay the other person’s legal fees, or at least a portion thereof?
You are right in that I know what I want, and I’ve got SO many things planned for my son in KY (schools, activities, social groups), but I don’t know how to get there now with all the psychological garbage from my husband. He has gotten progressively worse since sitting home like a hermit for over a year (no surprise there), and my original plan was to just bear with it until I can get moved, but now I don’t know if I can last that long. I wish he would get an invitation to move in with his girlfriend and just go for it! My prayers would be answered if he would just let his heart lead him and walk away from me. I’d be in the clear.
Please write me back when you think of the name of that female divorce attorney. I’d appreciate an alternative just to compare, so thanks for trying to think of that for me. I will also contact the FL Bar and see where that gets me.
I woke up at 12:30 this morning to find him hunkered down in the family room behind closed doors (again), talking to his girlfriend. I try to ignore him, don’t bite when he tries to bait me into arguments, and basically just go about life as if he doesn’t exist, but when he flaunts this incredibly disrespectful behavior in my face, I can’t help but ask him HOW he possibly can think this is OKAY behavior? I again asked him to PLEASE go live with his dad, stop the emotional torture, and he can call her as often as he likes. He slipped and told me she’s broke, so I guess that’s why he is in no rush to run to her – nothing to gain financially. I reminded him that he has broken me, too, and that there will be nothing left from the house sale after I pay off the debts he’s caused me, so he’s not going to get anything from me either. I know I should ignore him at all costs and not let him engage me in these ridiculous, twisted, delusional conversations, because his goal here is to make ME seem like a shrew to justify his bad behavior, but sometimes he gets me so angry I just have to tell him how insane his comments are! I have to get better at biting my tongue.
Regarding the phone, my concern is that a judge (whenever we get to that point) or a mediator will think it “cruel” of me to remove his phone privileges and access to emergency services. He could claim that, because of his stomach bouts, he needs to be able to call his doctor, and I don’t want to put myself in a bad light for denying him access to medical attention. That’s the same reason I won’t take my SEP (from my boss) and “hide” it where he can’t get his portion, because that will make me look deceptive in the eyes of the court. I don’t need any more points against me if I’m going to salvage anything out of this as far as my assets. I’ve thought about turning off the FiOS TV, internet and everything else, too, but I can’t do that because I need the internet for my banking, my son needs TV and internet, and I can’t make everyone else suffer any more than they already are just to spite my husband. I would love to make his life so uncomfortable he would leave, but that costs everyone else too much, and, again, I don’t know that the judge would look kindly on that.
I have limited his access to financial resources by opening an account that only I can access, and I only leave some of his unemployment compensation in the old account for him to use for his medications, cigarettes, etc. Oh, that’s another sore point: The cigarettes. Here I am, trying to sell the house because I’m going broke, and he spends roughly $250 per month on cigarettes. This could also be one reason the ulcers won’t heal since smoking will prohibit any internal conditions from healing properly. He could probably get his pain doctor to say that he NEEDS the pain meds because of an old injury he suffered back in the '80's. He’s been on oxycontin and other meds ever since, so, again, a judge may see that at cruel punishment if I deny him his pain meds. Don’t you think?
To answer your question as to how he could afford legal counsel, he could take his unemployment income, which amounts to about $700/month after cigarettes, and use that for a lawyer if he were to go live with his father rent-free. While I would still have all the bills to pay, he would be free to use all his money to fight me. I, on the other hand, have nothing to use for a lawyer, and I may have to reimburse him for legal fees if I’m the one to file. Doesn’t the person filing usually have to pay the other person’s legal fees, or at least a portion thereof?
You are right in that I know what I want, and I’ve got SO many things planned for my son in KY (schools, activities, social groups), but I don’t know how to get there now with all the psychological garbage from my husband. He has gotten progressively worse since sitting home like a hermit for over a year (no surprise there), and my original plan was to just bear with it until I can get moved, but now I don’t know if I can last that long. I wish he would get an invitation to move in with his girlfriend and just go for it! My prayers would be answered if he would just let his heart lead him and walk away from me. I’d be in the clear.
Please write me back when you think of the name of that female divorce attorney. I’d appreciate an alternative just to compare, so thanks for trying to think of that for me. I will also contact the FL Bar and see where that gets me.
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