First, I’m calling the lawyer I met with before to set up an appointment for tomorrow. My mother actually got so uncontrollably upset by the events this weekend that SHE put in a call to the lawyer on her cell, which is for “emergencies only.” The att'y told her she wants to get moving in light of the events of late regarding the girlfriend, so she wants me to fill out some planning forms today and see her tomorrow. I will give her this chance to change my mind about her being in “my court.” As I said, she’s tough, but I just didn’t get the impression last time that she would do anything to protect me and fight for me, and that she was going to just play by the book and watch me hand over a portion of everything I own when the lousy S.O.B. doesn’t deserve a penny.
I don’t mind at all if you post my stuff for the other Bubbies. I have always loved reading some of the great advice they give, which is why I decided to solicit your opinion on all this. I know you remove specifics and protect my identity, so go for it!
I am fortunate that my DH has his next victim lined up, because he is willing to go to her, however, his sister has given him the advice that he should wait until we have a meeting with a mediator to discuss child custody arrangements and other issues, so he said he can’t go until that happens. I told him that may be quite a ways down the line, but that is what he is saying now.
On the other hand, he and his “friend” have chosen December 11 as the day he can fly to be with her. No, I do not know the significance of the 9th, but they picked a day. So, I asked him, “if you’ve picked a date, does that mean I’m supposed to buy you a one-way ticket out of here?” He said yes. I told him that I’m not making any such purchase if he is going to insist that he first attend a meeting with the mediator, and I certainly cannot guarantee that a meeting will happen prior to Dec. 11. So, the good news is he’s willing to go, and he will be FAR away, but the bad news is that he has been advised not to go until after that meeting.
He said he knows he won’t be able to afford to return for quite some time once he gets out there, so he wants to have the meeting while he can and let me handle the court appearances for the divorce myself. I’ll see what the lawyer says about all this. I have my own list of what I’m willing to do, and I’m not eating the debt I’ve had to incur as a result of HIM not contributing unless he’s willing to make a major concession on his part, and I’m sure you can guess what that is.
It was quite a weekend with him and his ongoing head games. He does little things to annoy, like turning the TV back on every time I turn it off (because NOBODY is in the room and nobody is watching it). He turns it on, then goes and sits on the lanai. I turn it off. He walks back in and turns it on, then walks back out and sits on the lanai. He is such a child. I have the house on the market, so I’m always trying to keep the clutter picked up. He has a slew of stomach medicines because of the ulcer, like Tums, Brioschi, and some prescription antacids. I cleared all of this off the vanity and off the top of the medicine cabinet months ago to keep the bathroom looking neat. This weekend, he went back to his old habit of storing all these bottles across the top of the medicine cabinet. I saw them on Saturday and took them down. The next time he used the bathroom, he put them back up. I took them down and asked him to leave them down because it looked so sloppy. He put them back up.
This went on all weekend. I asked him again this morning to PLEASE Keep them down so the bathroom looks neater. He always has to get defensive and accuse me of something when I ask him to do something, so his response was, “why? You have a few bottles on your dresser, so what’s the difference?” I said, “having a couple of decorative lotion or spray bottles on the dresser doesn’t look sloppy because they’re attractive. Bottles of Brioschi and prescriptions stomach meds are NOT decorative and having them lined up all across the medicine cabinet is NOT attractive. It’s messy and the clultter does not look good when the house is shown.“ This is just another example of how he likes to annoy and push buttons. Like a child seeking negative attention because it’s better than none.
I started having computer problems this weekend, and I can’t prove it’s him, but I’d bet money on it. He was probably trying to make sure I couldn’t do my online banking because he didn’t want me to see the money he spent last week. He spent about $250 last week on sandwiches and other food items (even though we have a house full of food), cigarettes ($50 a carton and I’ve been asking him to quit for years for health reasons and financial ones), some stuff at Walmart, and he bought himself a computer web cam. Yep, bought a web cam when I’m struggling to pay the bills. I asked him how he can possibly justify these purchases when I’m not even able to make ends meet, and he got into some strange twisting conversation about his stomach and the phone and how he didn’t talk to “her” yesterday. Never answers the question at hand. He’s spent $500 the past month on “stuff.” You can bet I have copies of the transaction list to take to the lawyer, too. Talking to him is a real mind-blower sometimes. When he‘s guilty of something, he’ll get off on any other tangent he can think of to try and derail the conversation. I just started laughing it was so ridiculous. There is NO talking logic with him whatsoever.
As to your concern about the therapy, my son doesn’t mind at all so far. He is just warming up to her and has only started to open up about his feelings, and so far he has just cracked that door open ever so slightly. I also got him started there so she can work with his mild ADD issues, so she’s content focusing on the ADD until he feels like talking more. He did draw a hell of a picture, however, where he had me, him and our pets at one end of two sheets of paper that HE stapled together, and he drew his father way down at the other end away from everyone else. Of course he stuck a big ol’ cigarette in his dad’s mouth ‘cause he’s always out on the lanai smoking while we’re inside doing “real” stuff like homework, playing games or watching movies. It was quite a telling picture. The psychotherapist who was in the room at the time just said, “Wow.”
Well, wish me luck tomorrow, and I will heed your warning about not doing too much at once. I’ve got a ton of stuff to deal with even if I can get him out and get some peace of mind. That would be the first step, and I’ll take it a step at a time after that.
Thanks again, and I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Ugh. I dread going home today. There’s nothing worse than hating to go to your own home every day.
Hugs to you for all your support.
HER NEXT LETTER: UGH SHE DREADS THIS MEETING
Hi, my dearest Bubbie –
Ugh. Meeting with lawyer was NOT pretty, and I still don’t like her, but we’re going to try the mediator route rather than a court battle, since a full court battle with Ms. Attorney representing me could run $20k - $30k, so I won’t have to deal with her other than filing the appropriate paperwork at various times. On the other hand, she assured me that she can have this whole mess resolved by the end of the year or shortly thereafter if my DH will agree on all terms set forth in the mediation.
She basically told me I’m screwed and there’s nothing she can do to prevent him from getting his hands on MY money even though he left me high and dry financially for 9 years and has been contributing nothing but a measly unemployment check for over a year. Apparently it doesn’t matter that he’s put me deep in debt, used up my savings cushion, spent his 401k money on CIGARETTES and other non-necessities and has failed to conduct himself like a responsible adult, either financially or emotionally. None of that matters in the eyes of the court. That sucks!
I get screwed for being the responsible one and for making sure my son had a good quality of life despite his father’s antics, and there’s nothing anyone can or will do to protect ME. But, the freeloading bum gets a nice-size check and can negoatiate to make me pay his way to his girlfriend’s house, and he basically gets to call the shots when it comes to custody issues, otherwise a judge could give him even more if I let this go to court.
Good news is he DOES have his next meal ticket lined up and he’s willing to go, so I have to move while he’s amenable. I had to laugh at this, however: When I told him I’d reached the breaking point with him calling his girlfriend right in front of my face while I correct homework with our son, he agreed to speak with “her” about a time when he could move.
I emailed him yesterday with the information for our date with the mediator, which is TOMORROW, Thursday, and his response was, “why are YOU in such a hurry to take this step? Why are you doing it so soon? What’s the rush?” Um, well, there’s the fact that you said you’d like me to buy your airline ticket for 12/11, and then there’s the fact that I REFUSE to continue to live with your psychological games and watch you call your girlfriend on the phone while I’m looking right at you and your son is 15 feet away… Pick a reason, ass.
I told him this morning that what he really needs to do is load all his crap in his car, drive it to his dad’s for storage, and fly from there. He said he planned on ME shipping his stuff. I said absolutely not, I can’t afford such a shipping cost and I’m already paying his airline ticket out of here. I told him maybe his girlfriend could chip in and have the stuff sent, and he said, “no, she’s broke.” LOL. I had to remind him that he has ruined me finanaiclly over these 9 years, but he still refuses to acknowledge that. He just wants to go denying what he’s done and believe that somehow I’ll come up with whatever money he needs. The nerve of him! Then he asked if I couldn’t just “hold onto his stuff” for the time being, and I laughed at that. I’m going to be downsizing to a rental (first rental in 20 years, thank you very much), and there’s NO way I’m keeping his shit! If he doesn’t take it, it’s garbage.
So, on to the mediator tomorrow. He has acknowledged that he has no clue when he’ll be able to fly back here, so putting together a parenting plan will just have to remain open-ended. We’ll come up with some way to word it tomorrow.
On the financial affidavit, he’s trying to claim all sorts of household expenses on his sheet when it’s my salary that pays for everything! He’s just amazing. I have to get him to give on the division of assets, because the profit from selling the house will be miniscule and I have to use that to pay off debts, so he really doesn’t deserve anything. I have to make him see that we should calculate what he thinks he’s getting, MINUS the debts since he brought them on us, and he should only get the result of that calculation. Yeah, right. I can dream, can’t I?
Wish me luck tomorrow. I have to hammer this out and get him on his way. This is going to be rough handling this house and all the responsibilities alone, but the only thing he did during the course of everyday life is let the dogs out since he was home anyway, and feed them in the late afternoon. I know It won’t be much different, and it will get easier when I sell the house and move to something that’s less maintenance.
He said this morning, “I can’t believe you’re doing this. It NEVER should have come to this.” My response was, “you’ve had 7 out of 9 years of me begging you to be responsible and correct your behavior, to support this family financially and emotionally, and you’ve refused to see how serious your neglect was. And I absolutely refuse to continue living under these bizarre, sick circumstances with you wooing your girlfriend right before my eyes. What did you think would happen?”
Ugh, I dread tomorrow. I warned the mediator that he is delusional and will not listen to reason, so she said she is willing to put us in separate rooms in order to get agreement on things. Wish me luck.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Part 3 Making Plans for the Next Step
I’ve avoided thinking about the bankruptcy option because I’ve always had great credit, but losing the debts he’s caused isn’t looking so bad now, plus I know I can build my credit up again since I pay all my bills on time. My only concern was that I wanted to buy a house as soon as I get relocated (or even downsize here if I had to stay here), and a bankruptcy would obviously affect my ability to get a loan.
I hear you on the “armor” thought. I’ve been trying to NOT react at all to anything, even when he sits on the other side of the slider talking to his girlfriend on the phone while I sit in the kitchen doing homework with my son. Talk about an “in your face” move! Can you believe the gall? I have a friend who’s been through lots of therapy, and he keeps telling me the same thing: Don’t make it “fun” for him. Do NOT react, do NOT engage in battles.
I agree with keeping my moves to myself, but I told him last night that I WOULD be filing and he WOULD be receiving papers soon, and that he may as well move now before a sheriff’s deputy escorts him out of the house and he’s forced to go to his dad’s, which he says he doesn’t want to do. His only comment at that was, “I don’t have any money to move.” I said, “I will come up with the money to ship your stuff and get you a ticket. Start packing and tell her you’re coming.” He didn’t say no, so maybe I can get him to leave now. He’s always said, “I’m not going anywhere,” but maybe I can get him to go if she has agreed to let him come. He must be figuring she’ll take care of him financially
The thought of financial security is probably very appealing to him, especially if he thinks he wouldn’t be expected to get a job. It’s seeming to me that he got himself fired here intentionally after he fulfilled his child support obligations to his ex, but I have continued to demand that he be responsible and make a contribution to this family (financially AND emotionally), and perhaps he thought I was going to let him slide after child support ended.
As to your suggestion to write everything down and keep records, I document everything. I write notes every day on what occurred the previous night at home, and I have notes that go all the way back to my memories of the early days, so I probably have close to 200 pages of notes (and counting).
I went to the Womens Resource Center last spring. They gave me lots of good ideas on courses/seminars aimed at helping women in bad positions like this, but I can’t take the daytime ones because I work, and I am busy with my son when I leave here so I can’t do that either. I need to just get with a lawyer, talk strategy and proceed, and also perhaps look into the bankruptcy option to save myself from drowning in debt. Does that sound good next steps to you? Strategize with lawyer and also talk about bankruptcy? Can a divorce lawyer also help with the bankruptcy or do I need a separate lawyer for that?
In the meantime, let me know if you get any names, and thanks again for the words of encouragement. I can’t tell you how relieved it makes me feel to know that someone with an objective opinion sees this clearly and agrees with my tactics to date. Sometimes it is all so overwhelming I start to second guess my perception and everything I do in response, and it also seems sometimes like I’ll never get out of this mess, but then you make me see that it WILL be okay, eventually, and I am strong and I WILL get out of this.
HER NEXT LETTER WAS THIS:
Oh, BTW, I offered hubby a cash “bribe” a couple months ago in an attempt to get him out, and he said no. Said he’s not doing this for the money. I think he just wants someone to handle all of life’s responsibilities and pay his way, so he can just go along for the ride and have no worries. That’s why I say he’s a 50-year-old adolescent. Expects “mommy” to do everything for him and he has no responsibilities whatsoever, financial, emotional or otherwise.
I had to laugh when I read your comment about telling “her” (the girlfriend) hello, because that’s exactly what I do. Even in the middle of the night, if I walk out there and see him on the phone, I just say, “tell her hi,” or “ask her when you can move out there.” It doesn’t bother me in the least. It just bothers me that he’s doing it on my dime and in my face. I go nuts from morning ‘til night with work, housework, pets, my son and trying to salvage time for my own workouts (which I KNOW I need to stay sane), and he does nothing but sit on the lanai or on the couch talking to his “friend,” or sitting on the computer on Facebook most of the day. What a scum.
Thanks also for the comment on my abilities as a parent. I try so hard to keep things “normal” and fun for my son, and I got him into therapy a few months ago to head off any long-term effects his father may be having on him. He is just starting to open up to his therapist a little, and he tells her he doesn’t like his dad or how emotionally neglectful he is, so hopefully he’ll continue to open up to her as he gets to know her better and gets more comfortable. I wanted to be sure I got him into counseling before it really got to him. I also have him in tae kwon do, which is a great physical and emotional outlet. The staff at his TKD school are very loving and supportive, and I try to surround him with as many positive things as I can to counter the negative effects of his dad. He made gold honor roll at school this quarter and does well in school, so I think I’ve managed to keep him on track so far!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support. You have really brought me a sense of “I’m doing okay,” if you know what I mean. I was starting to wonder. ;)
I hear you on the “armor” thought. I’ve been trying to NOT react at all to anything, even when he sits on the other side of the slider talking to his girlfriend on the phone while I sit in the kitchen doing homework with my son. Talk about an “in your face” move! Can you believe the gall? I have a friend who’s been through lots of therapy, and he keeps telling me the same thing: Don’t make it “fun” for him. Do NOT react, do NOT engage in battles.
I agree with keeping my moves to myself, but I told him last night that I WOULD be filing and he WOULD be receiving papers soon, and that he may as well move now before a sheriff’s deputy escorts him out of the house and he’s forced to go to his dad’s, which he says he doesn’t want to do. His only comment at that was, “I don’t have any money to move.” I said, “I will come up with the money to ship your stuff and get you a ticket. Start packing and tell her you’re coming.” He didn’t say no, so maybe I can get him to leave now. He’s always said, “I’m not going anywhere,” but maybe I can get him to go if she has agreed to let him come. He must be figuring she’ll take care of him financially
The thought of financial security is probably very appealing to him, especially if he thinks he wouldn’t be expected to get a job. It’s seeming to me that he got himself fired here intentionally after he fulfilled his child support obligations to his ex, but I have continued to demand that he be responsible and make a contribution to this family (financially AND emotionally), and perhaps he thought I was going to let him slide after child support ended.
As to your suggestion to write everything down and keep records, I document everything. I write notes every day on what occurred the previous night at home, and I have notes that go all the way back to my memories of the early days, so I probably have close to 200 pages of notes (and counting).
I went to the Womens Resource Center last spring. They gave me lots of good ideas on courses/seminars aimed at helping women in bad positions like this, but I can’t take the daytime ones because I work, and I am busy with my son when I leave here so I can’t do that either. I need to just get with a lawyer, talk strategy and proceed, and also perhaps look into the bankruptcy option to save myself from drowning in debt. Does that sound good next steps to you? Strategize with lawyer and also talk about bankruptcy? Can a divorce lawyer also help with the bankruptcy or do I need a separate lawyer for that?
In the meantime, let me know if you get any names, and thanks again for the words of encouragement. I can’t tell you how relieved it makes me feel to know that someone with an objective opinion sees this clearly and agrees with my tactics to date. Sometimes it is all so overwhelming I start to second guess my perception and everything I do in response, and it also seems sometimes like I’ll never get out of this mess, but then you make me see that it WILL be okay, eventually, and I am strong and I WILL get out of this.
HER NEXT LETTER WAS THIS:
Oh, BTW, I offered hubby a cash “bribe” a couple months ago in an attempt to get him out, and he said no. Said he’s not doing this for the money. I think he just wants someone to handle all of life’s responsibilities and pay his way, so he can just go along for the ride and have no worries. That’s why I say he’s a 50-year-old adolescent. Expects “mommy” to do everything for him and he has no responsibilities whatsoever, financial, emotional or otherwise.
I had to laugh when I read your comment about telling “her” (the girlfriend) hello, because that’s exactly what I do. Even in the middle of the night, if I walk out there and see him on the phone, I just say, “tell her hi,” or “ask her when you can move out there.” It doesn’t bother me in the least. It just bothers me that he’s doing it on my dime and in my face. I go nuts from morning ‘til night with work, housework, pets, my son and trying to salvage time for my own workouts (which I KNOW I need to stay sane), and he does nothing but sit on the lanai or on the couch talking to his “friend,” or sitting on the computer on Facebook most of the day. What a scum.
Thanks also for the comment on my abilities as a parent. I try so hard to keep things “normal” and fun for my son, and I got him into therapy a few months ago to head off any long-term effects his father may be having on him. He is just starting to open up to his therapist a little, and he tells her he doesn’t like his dad or how emotionally neglectful he is, so hopefully he’ll continue to open up to her as he gets to know her better and gets more comfortable. I wanted to be sure I got him into counseling before it really got to him. I also have him in tae kwon do, which is a great physical and emotional outlet. The staff at his TKD school are very loving and supportive, and I try to surround him with as many positive things as I can to counter the negative effects of his dad. He made gold honor roll at school this quarter and does well in school, so I think I’ve managed to keep him on track so far!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support. You have really brought me a sense of “I’m doing okay,” if you know what I mean. I was starting to wonder. ;)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
PART II (from story below)
Thanks for the supportive response. I mean that. As time goes on, this becomes SUCH an emotional drain that it seems I’ll never achieve my dream of a life for me and my son without the psychological games his father plays, so it’s good to hear someone unbiased say that they see hope! Thanks for that. I’m a very strong person, and I AM proactive. You’ll see that I don’t sit back waiting for life to come my way – I believe in making things happen, but this one is taking its toll on me, that’s for sure.
I woke up at 12:30 this morning to find him hunkered down in the family room behind closed doors (again), talking to his girlfriend. I try to ignore him, don’t bite when he tries to bait me into arguments, and basically just go about life as if he doesn’t exist, but when he flaunts this incredibly disrespectful behavior in my face, I can’t help but ask him HOW he possibly can think this is OKAY behavior? I again asked him to PLEASE go live with his dad, stop the emotional torture, and he can call her as often as he likes. He slipped and told me she’s broke, so I guess that’s why he is in no rush to run to her – nothing to gain financially. I reminded him that he has broken me, too, and that there will be nothing left from the house sale after I pay off the debts he’s caused me, so he’s not going to get anything from me either. I know I should ignore him at all costs and not let him engage me in these ridiculous, twisted, delusional conversations, because his goal here is to make ME seem like a shrew to justify his bad behavior, but sometimes he gets me so angry I just have to tell him how insane his comments are! I have to get better at biting my tongue.
Regarding the phone, my concern is that a judge (whenever we get to that point) or a mediator will think it “cruel” of me to remove his phone privileges and access to emergency services. He could claim that, because of his stomach bouts, he needs to be able to call his doctor, and I don’t want to put myself in a bad light for denying him access to medical attention. That’s the same reason I won’t take my SEP (from my boss) and “hide” it where he can’t get his portion, because that will make me look deceptive in the eyes of the court. I don’t need any more points against me if I’m going to salvage anything out of this as far as my assets. I’ve thought about turning off the FiOS TV, internet and everything else, too, but I can’t do that because I need the internet for my banking, my son needs TV and internet, and I can’t make everyone else suffer any more than they already are just to spite my husband. I would love to make his life so uncomfortable he would leave, but that costs everyone else too much, and, again, I don’t know that the judge would look kindly on that.
I have limited his access to financial resources by opening an account that only I can access, and I only leave some of his unemployment compensation in the old account for him to use for his medications, cigarettes, etc. Oh, that’s another sore point: The cigarettes. Here I am, trying to sell the house because I’m going broke, and he spends roughly $250 per month on cigarettes. This could also be one reason the ulcers won’t heal since smoking will prohibit any internal conditions from healing properly. He could probably get his pain doctor to say that he NEEDS the pain meds because of an old injury he suffered back in the '80's. He’s been on oxycontin and other meds ever since, so, again, a judge may see that at cruel punishment if I deny him his pain meds. Don’t you think?
To answer your question as to how he could afford legal counsel, he could take his unemployment income, which amounts to about $700/month after cigarettes, and use that for a lawyer if he were to go live with his father rent-free. While I would still have all the bills to pay, he would be free to use all his money to fight me. I, on the other hand, have nothing to use for a lawyer, and I may have to reimburse him for legal fees if I’m the one to file. Doesn’t the person filing usually have to pay the other person’s legal fees, or at least a portion thereof?
You are right in that I know what I want, and I’ve got SO many things planned for my son in KY (schools, activities, social groups), but I don’t know how to get there now with all the psychological garbage from my husband. He has gotten progressively worse since sitting home like a hermit for over a year (no surprise there), and my original plan was to just bear with it until I can get moved, but now I don’t know if I can last that long. I wish he would get an invitation to move in with his girlfriend and just go for it! My prayers would be answered if he would just let his heart lead him and walk away from me. I’d be in the clear.
Please write me back when you think of the name of that female divorce attorney. I’d appreciate an alternative just to compare, so thanks for trying to think of that for me. I will also contact the FL Bar and see where that gets me.
I woke up at 12:30 this morning to find him hunkered down in the family room behind closed doors (again), talking to his girlfriend. I try to ignore him, don’t bite when he tries to bait me into arguments, and basically just go about life as if he doesn’t exist, but when he flaunts this incredibly disrespectful behavior in my face, I can’t help but ask him HOW he possibly can think this is OKAY behavior? I again asked him to PLEASE go live with his dad, stop the emotional torture, and he can call her as often as he likes. He slipped and told me she’s broke, so I guess that’s why he is in no rush to run to her – nothing to gain financially. I reminded him that he has broken me, too, and that there will be nothing left from the house sale after I pay off the debts he’s caused me, so he’s not going to get anything from me either. I know I should ignore him at all costs and not let him engage me in these ridiculous, twisted, delusional conversations, because his goal here is to make ME seem like a shrew to justify his bad behavior, but sometimes he gets me so angry I just have to tell him how insane his comments are! I have to get better at biting my tongue.
Regarding the phone, my concern is that a judge (whenever we get to that point) or a mediator will think it “cruel” of me to remove his phone privileges and access to emergency services. He could claim that, because of his stomach bouts, he needs to be able to call his doctor, and I don’t want to put myself in a bad light for denying him access to medical attention. That’s the same reason I won’t take my SEP (from my boss) and “hide” it where he can’t get his portion, because that will make me look deceptive in the eyes of the court. I don’t need any more points against me if I’m going to salvage anything out of this as far as my assets. I’ve thought about turning off the FiOS TV, internet and everything else, too, but I can’t do that because I need the internet for my banking, my son needs TV and internet, and I can’t make everyone else suffer any more than they already are just to spite my husband. I would love to make his life so uncomfortable he would leave, but that costs everyone else too much, and, again, I don’t know that the judge would look kindly on that.
I have limited his access to financial resources by opening an account that only I can access, and I only leave some of his unemployment compensation in the old account for him to use for his medications, cigarettes, etc. Oh, that’s another sore point: The cigarettes. Here I am, trying to sell the house because I’m going broke, and he spends roughly $250 per month on cigarettes. This could also be one reason the ulcers won’t heal since smoking will prohibit any internal conditions from healing properly. He could probably get his pain doctor to say that he NEEDS the pain meds because of an old injury he suffered back in the '80's. He’s been on oxycontin and other meds ever since, so, again, a judge may see that at cruel punishment if I deny him his pain meds. Don’t you think?
To answer your question as to how he could afford legal counsel, he could take his unemployment income, which amounts to about $700/month after cigarettes, and use that for a lawyer if he were to go live with his father rent-free. While I would still have all the bills to pay, he would be free to use all his money to fight me. I, on the other hand, have nothing to use for a lawyer, and I may have to reimburse him for legal fees if I’m the one to file. Doesn’t the person filing usually have to pay the other person’s legal fees, or at least a portion thereof?
You are right in that I know what I want, and I’ve got SO many things planned for my son in KY (schools, activities, social groups), but I don’t know how to get there now with all the psychological garbage from my husband. He has gotten progressively worse since sitting home like a hermit for over a year (no surprise there), and my original plan was to just bear with it until I can get moved, but now I don’t know if I can last that long. I wish he would get an invitation to move in with his girlfriend and just go for it! My prayers would be answered if he would just let his heart lead him and walk away from me. I’d be in the clear.
Please write me back when you think of the name of that female divorce attorney. I’d appreciate an alternative just to compare, so thanks for trying to think of that for me. I will also contact the FL Bar and see where that gets me.
He's a Psychotic Bastard
Dear Bubbie - I haven’t checked out the site for a while (DearBubbie on Facebook) -- Hope you are well.
This will be a LONG one. You can read and respond once you’ve digested all I’ve written here, and perhaps consult with your other Bubbies if you feel so inclined. It’s regarding my husband, and he lives on Facebook, so best to keep my name out of it.
I am living in a NIGHTMARE and I need advice on what to do. I’ll try to keep this as brief as I can, but it’s a story 9 years in the making, so there’s a lot to tell. I tell people it feels like I’m living in one of those Lifetime made-for TV movies where everyone in town thinks the husband is WONDERFUL and perfect, and only the wife knows that he’s actually a psychotic bastard. Basically I need to know what you all think I should do about filing for divorce vs. separation vs. getting a restraining order for reasons of mental / emotional abuse (if possible). The options are important for a number of reasons:
1. Divorce means near-immediate division of assets (which are all MINE, not his, but the law is the law and he’ll get far more than he deserves).
2. He’s threatening a nasty custody battle over our 8-year-old son, which he would never win because he’s been emotionally negligent for all 8 years and my son will says so, and because he’s an unemployed prescription drug addict who does nothing to help support the family, and because I am THE caregiver for my son and he and I are very close.
3. I’ve wanted to relocate for years to Kentucky, and, if I file for divorce now, he can and WILL stop me from taking our son to Kentucky and getting our life going up there. My son wants to move, too, but he won’t want to the longer we stay here (more roots are growing all the time).
My husband has contributed very little since day 1 financially because he had child support to pay to his ex-wife. He brought home roughly $200 per week for 7 years. Within about 8 months of finally finishing his child support obligations, he managed to get himself fired and has now been unemployed since September 2009. He also made “mistakes” on his tax returns his first two years here which he claims were totally innocent (yeah, right), and I had to pay the IRS $7,000 on a credit card. With some medical expenses and other things going on credit because of his lack of an income, he has put me $20,000 in debt.
He is currently not looking for work, and he claims he wouldn’t be able to hold down a job due to some physical ailments, namely multiple ulcers that flare up every few weeks or so. You can’t tell him that people with ulcers work all the time, as do people with conditions far more serious than ulcers, because he will deny that and tell you that you have no idea what he goes through during an ulcer flare. On the other hand, when asked why he doesn’t get on disability and move to Plan B if he has no intention of seeking employment and helping his family, he’ll say that he doesn’t know if his illness qualifies him for disability and that getting on disability is very difficult and a pain in the ass. So, he’d rather do nothing, wait for unemployment to run out, and let me deal with the fallout.
When I tell people he’s been unemployed for over a year, their reaction is, “well, at least you have someone at home doing all the housework and cooking the meals, right?” Um, no. He does NOT do housework, he does NOT cook, he does NOT do repairs. Once or twice a month he’ll do something if I leave the “to-do” list out for long enough, or if I get angry enough and demand that he do something.
He lives on Facebook, and he has amassed a collection of over 800 “friends,” many of whom he doesn’t know, but he friends the friends of everyone he knows, and people accept out of name recognition, so his collection grows. People have written me after accepting his invitation and asked WHY he friended them, and I just say “I don’t know.” He tells people a slew of lies about me, such as that I belittle him and yell at him all the time (funny, but he used to say the same things to me about his ex-wife), and that I’ve had multiple extra-marital affairs, which is laughable because I do nothing but work all day and tend to my son when I’m not at work. My son and I are inseparable when we’re not at work / school, so I couldn’t possibly have an affair even if I wanted to!
I’ve tried to enlist the help of his family (sister in CA), but he is very convincing and she believes that he must be telling at least partial truths (which he is NOT), so she won’t help. I’ve asked her to think about how I could possibly have had affairs, and she said the HE told her that people have flown into Sarasota to see me. And what, had a passionate rendezvous at my office, with my boss and co-worker present? She had no response to that, just that she must side with her brother because that’s the right thing for her to do.
A few months ago, I found out he’s been having a long distance phone relationship with a woman who lives in Boston. He knew her growing up and reconnected with her on Facebook. They talk in the overnight hours, while I’m sleeping, and also sometimes during the day when I’m at work. I’ve caught him hiding in the back yard in the middle of the night, by the pool pump, talking to her on the phone. I’m always calm when I find him hiding out there with the phone, because I don’t care if he goes to her. I wish he would. What is really a slap in the face is the fact that I am supporting this bastard and he’s calling this woman on my dime, while I’m either sleeping or working. Every once in a while they get disconnected in the middle of the night and she calls back, and he picks up on ½ a ring, but I’ve actually called her back and asked her to please just not call in the middle of the night because I have to get up for work in the morning. I’ve also asked her to PLEASE ask him to move to California, but so far no luck. I’ve been asking him to leave for a year because it’s obvious he won’t seek the counseling he needs (he refuses) and he won’t seek employment (he just keeps saying either he doesn’t feel well enough or that there aren’t any jobs out there, when, in fact, he’s not looking, or that he plans on finding a job… someday). When I tell him he has to leave for our son’s sake, and tell him that he’s doing nothing but emotionally traumatizing me and our son, he laughs, looks me in the eye and says, “I’m not going anywhere.”
We sane people know that the right thing for him to do here is to pack up and leave, despite not wanting to acknowledge the end of the marriage, but that doing that is the right thing to do. He could go live with his father, rent-free, in the Tampa area, or he could go live with his sister, but he flat-out refuses to go. So, here I am, stuck with this truly psychotic, delusional person who refuses to leave, and who promises to lie and start a MAJOR custody battle if I make him leave. If I file for divorce, he will cost me thousands of dollars in legal fees that I don’t have, and he will prevent me from relocating with our son. In addition, he will drain me financially by taking his share of everything we have, even though he hasn’t contributed hardly anything in the way of income and has caused us to incur the above-mentioned debts.
I can try to tolerate this until the house sells, relocate, and then file in six months. However, the thought of getting up in the middle of the night, night after night, and finding your spouse lounging around talking to his girlfriend on the phone while YOU pay all the bills and take care of all the other responsibilities (house, child, pets, etc.) is not exactly bearable. Nor is it a healthy environment for my son. And that’s my priority – maintaining a good, healthy life for my son, and so far I’ve managed to do that despite his father’s lunacy.
I could try and file for a restraining order for reasons of mental/emotional abuse and have him removed, but I don’t know if I can get it, and he is also going to lie and make it look like he’s the injured party in some way and detract from my credibility. In addition, if I CAN get him removed and I can sell the house and relocate, the divorce then becomes two-state battle between FL and KY, and I don’t know what that would do to me.
I could maybe file for a legal separation and deal with it later, but that, too, becomes a two-state issue if I sell the house and relocate.
So, my options, as far as I see it, are:
1. File for divorce now and lose a lot financially, lose the right to relocate (probably), but gain my freedom from this nightmare.
2. File for legal separation, and I’m not sure what that would gain me.
3. File for a restraining order and have him removed, and I could (hopefully) relocate, but I would have a two-state battle on my hands and possibly travel expenses involved if he is allowed to have our son come visit him.
4. Stay the course and wait for the house to sell, relocate with him in tow and file after six months in KY. And put up with his bullshit in the meantime, no matter how ethically WRONG his actions are and how nuts I may go in the process. (By the way, renting out the house here is NOT an option because I can’t afford any major repairs should something go wrong, and it WILL because it’s a 197o house and it has a pool, and because I can’t be a long-distance landlord, and because I’d have to get a pretty hefty rent to pay the mortgage on it.
I have spoken with one lawyer here in town who warned me that I could end up having to pay HIM alimony if he convinces a judge he that he can’t hold down a job, for mental or physical reasons. He’s such a good liar he might just be able to pull that off. I have consulted with another lawyer online who echoed the same warning.
I wouldn’t mind consulting with another female pitbull of a lawyer here in Sarasota if you know of a good one. This woman I met with was quite nasty, but I’m not sure she’ll fight for ME rather than just doing what the law allows/requires. I want someone who will at least make an attempt to keep some of my assets from getting into his undeserving hands, and to keep me from having to pay alimony!
So, Dear Bubbie, what would you advise me to do, and do you know of a good female divorce lawyer in Sarasota?
This will be a LONG one. You can read and respond once you’ve digested all I’ve written here, and perhaps consult with your other Bubbies if you feel so inclined. It’s regarding my husband, and he lives on Facebook, so best to keep my name out of it.
I am living in a NIGHTMARE and I need advice on what to do. I’ll try to keep this as brief as I can, but it’s a story 9 years in the making, so there’s a lot to tell. I tell people it feels like I’m living in one of those Lifetime made-for TV movies where everyone in town thinks the husband is WONDERFUL and perfect, and only the wife knows that he’s actually a psychotic bastard. Basically I need to know what you all think I should do about filing for divorce vs. separation vs. getting a restraining order for reasons of mental / emotional abuse (if possible). The options are important for a number of reasons:
1. Divorce means near-immediate division of assets (which are all MINE, not his, but the law is the law and he’ll get far more than he deserves).
2. He’s threatening a nasty custody battle over our 8-year-old son, which he would never win because he’s been emotionally negligent for all 8 years and my son will says so, and because he’s an unemployed prescription drug addict who does nothing to help support the family, and because I am THE caregiver for my son and he and I are very close.
3. I’ve wanted to relocate for years to Kentucky, and, if I file for divorce now, he can and WILL stop me from taking our son to Kentucky and getting our life going up there. My son wants to move, too, but he won’t want to the longer we stay here (more roots are growing all the time).
My husband has contributed very little since day 1 financially because he had child support to pay to his ex-wife. He brought home roughly $200 per week for 7 years. Within about 8 months of finally finishing his child support obligations, he managed to get himself fired and has now been unemployed since September 2009. He also made “mistakes” on his tax returns his first two years here which he claims were totally innocent (yeah, right), and I had to pay the IRS $7,000 on a credit card. With some medical expenses and other things going on credit because of his lack of an income, he has put me $20,000 in debt.
He is currently not looking for work, and he claims he wouldn’t be able to hold down a job due to some physical ailments, namely multiple ulcers that flare up every few weeks or so. You can’t tell him that people with ulcers work all the time, as do people with conditions far more serious than ulcers, because he will deny that and tell you that you have no idea what he goes through during an ulcer flare. On the other hand, when asked why he doesn’t get on disability and move to Plan B if he has no intention of seeking employment and helping his family, he’ll say that he doesn’t know if his illness qualifies him for disability and that getting on disability is very difficult and a pain in the ass. So, he’d rather do nothing, wait for unemployment to run out, and let me deal with the fallout.
When I tell people he’s been unemployed for over a year, their reaction is, “well, at least you have someone at home doing all the housework and cooking the meals, right?” Um, no. He does NOT do housework, he does NOT cook, he does NOT do repairs. Once or twice a month he’ll do something if I leave the “to-do” list out for long enough, or if I get angry enough and demand that he do something.
He lives on Facebook, and he has amassed a collection of over 800 “friends,” many of whom he doesn’t know, but he friends the friends of everyone he knows, and people accept out of name recognition, so his collection grows. People have written me after accepting his invitation and asked WHY he friended them, and I just say “I don’t know.” He tells people a slew of lies about me, such as that I belittle him and yell at him all the time (funny, but he used to say the same things to me about his ex-wife), and that I’ve had multiple extra-marital affairs, which is laughable because I do nothing but work all day and tend to my son when I’m not at work. My son and I are inseparable when we’re not at work / school, so I couldn’t possibly have an affair even if I wanted to!
I’ve tried to enlist the help of his family (sister in CA), but he is very convincing and she believes that he must be telling at least partial truths (which he is NOT), so she won’t help. I’ve asked her to think about how I could possibly have had affairs, and she said the HE told her that people have flown into Sarasota to see me. And what, had a passionate rendezvous at my office, with my boss and co-worker present? She had no response to that, just that she must side with her brother because that’s the right thing for her to do.
A few months ago, I found out he’s been having a long distance phone relationship with a woman who lives in Boston. He knew her growing up and reconnected with her on Facebook. They talk in the overnight hours, while I’m sleeping, and also sometimes during the day when I’m at work. I’ve caught him hiding in the back yard in the middle of the night, by the pool pump, talking to her on the phone. I’m always calm when I find him hiding out there with the phone, because I don’t care if he goes to her. I wish he would. What is really a slap in the face is the fact that I am supporting this bastard and he’s calling this woman on my dime, while I’m either sleeping or working. Every once in a while they get disconnected in the middle of the night and she calls back, and he picks up on ½ a ring, but I’ve actually called her back and asked her to please just not call in the middle of the night because I have to get up for work in the morning. I’ve also asked her to PLEASE ask him to move to California, but so far no luck. I’ve been asking him to leave for a year because it’s obvious he won’t seek the counseling he needs (he refuses) and he won’t seek employment (he just keeps saying either he doesn’t feel well enough or that there aren’t any jobs out there, when, in fact, he’s not looking, or that he plans on finding a job… someday). When I tell him he has to leave for our son’s sake, and tell him that he’s doing nothing but emotionally traumatizing me and our son, he laughs, looks me in the eye and says, “I’m not going anywhere.”
We sane people know that the right thing for him to do here is to pack up and leave, despite not wanting to acknowledge the end of the marriage, but that doing that is the right thing to do. He could go live with his father, rent-free, in the Tampa area, or he could go live with his sister, but he flat-out refuses to go. So, here I am, stuck with this truly psychotic, delusional person who refuses to leave, and who promises to lie and start a MAJOR custody battle if I make him leave. If I file for divorce, he will cost me thousands of dollars in legal fees that I don’t have, and he will prevent me from relocating with our son. In addition, he will drain me financially by taking his share of everything we have, even though he hasn’t contributed hardly anything in the way of income and has caused us to incur the above-mentioned debts.
I can try to tolerate this until the house sells, relocate, and then file in six months. However, the thought of getting up in the middle of the night, night after night, and finding your spouse lounging around talking to his girlfriend on the phone while YOU pay all the bills and take care of all the other responsibilities (house, child, pets, etc.) is not exactly bearable. Nor is it a healthy environment for my son. And that’s my priority – maintaining a good, healthy life for my son, and so far I’ve managed to do that despite his father’s lunacy.
I could try and file for a restraining order for reasons of mental/emotional abuse and have him removed, but I don’t know if I can get it, and he is also going to lie and make it look like he’s the injured party in some way and detract from my credibility. In addition, if I CAN get him removed and I can sell the house and relocate, the divorce then becomes two-state battle between FL and KY, and I don’t know what that would do to me.
I could maybe file for a legal separation and deal with it later, but that, too, becomes a two-state issue if I sell the house and relocate.
So, my options, as far as I see it, are:
1. File for divorce now and lose a lot financially, lose the right to relocate (probably), but gain my freedom from this nightmare.
2. File for legal separation, and I’m not sure what that would gain me.
3. File for a restraining order and have him removed, and I could (hopefully) relocate, but I would have a two-state battle on my hands and possibly travel expenses involved if he is allowed to have our son come visit him.
4. Stay the course and wait for the house to sell, relocate with him in tow and file after six months in KY. And put up with his bullshit in the meantime, no matter how ethically WRONG his actions are and how nuts I may go in the process. (By the way, renting out the house here is NOT an option because I can’t afford any major repairs should something go wrong, and it WILL because it’s a 197o house and it has a pool, and because I can’t be a long-distance landlord, and because I’d have to get a pretty hefty rent to pay the mortgage on it.
I have spoken with one lawyer here in town who warned me that I could end up having to pay HIM alimony if he convinces a judge he that he can’t hold down a job, for mental or physical reasons. He’s such a good liar he might just be able to pull that off. I have consulted with another lawyer online who echoed the same warning.
I wouldn’t mind consulting with another female pitbull of a lawyer here in Sarasota if you know of a good one. This woman I met with was quite nasty, but I’m not sure she’ll fight for ME rather than just doing what the law allows/requires. I want someone who will at least make an attempt to keep some of my assets from getting into his undeserving hands, and to keep me from having to pay alimony!
So, Dear Bubbie, what would you advise me to do, and do you know of a good female divorce lawyer in Sarasota?
Saturday, October 30, 2010
He's a Terrible Driver!
You can find DearBubbie (one word) on Facebook.
DearBubbie "My husband is the most gawd-awful driver and somehow he avoids getting tickets. He not only will tailgate, but his road rage (even towards elderly drivers) makes me feel like I don't know him. He says he'll try to do better, but I practically see his blood pressure go up even when he's quiet. Of course, HE wants to ...drive. What do you suggest?"
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Mary:
Stop riding with him. Tell him that you don't like the way he drives or behaves,that its dangerous to you and him AND everyone else on the road and you refuse to ride with him anymore. When you go somewhere, you drive. Then ease up a bit slowly by "allowing" him to drive when you really don't feel like driving.
Lynda:
I am not sure which is worse, your husband who has very bad driving etiquette or mine who wants to drive from the passenger seat. I would insist on driving when we were together. Explain to him that his attitude makes you very nervous and you would just as soon let him sit in the passenger side and enjoy the ride. I have seen so much road rage turn into violence. What is done is done. I am not even a horn honker because by the time I honk they have already committed that infraction..
DearBubbie I wonder if the 'reward' system would work here. Reward good driving habits with his favorite meal....or something else. .. . If he doesn't drive well, penalize him yourself with your own 'ticket' of sorts. I wonder if WHILE the infraction is happening, if there's anything you can do as the passenger to allieviate his stress. Maybe you can google "funny insults' and while the other driver is not moving on a green light, you can start your comedy routine.
DearBubbie
Lynda - you're funny! But be careful. In my smaller car, whenever I pass a large SUV or truck, I have my hand resting on the horn. I also do the 'polite' horn toot vs. the "you idiot" toot. Texters and cellphone users WHILE driving can be irritating, but somehow the husband has to not make it HIS problem and thus YOUR problem. It's about controlling his temper. How in the world does one accomplish that?
Janet:
I have a problem with punishing him for bad behavior, and throwing him treats for good behavior. He's not a child. Neither is he a pet that has to be trained. He says he'll try. I think all you can do is keep reminding him of your discomfort, and don't ride with him if it scares the hell out of you. He is the only one who can change his behavior, and I believe he will once he fully understands - through your words and actions - how uncomfortable you are with his driving habits.
Gordon:
Pray for a close call that almost became a serious accident, yet many men continue that pattern even after a REAL accident. Judging from the job i just retired from , this could be job stress on his part that in certain fields carries into off time. My ex wife drove most of the time we drove anywhere together and I was fine with it(I drove all day for a living), a "Type A' male will have none of that...
Michael A.:
It's all about education. Not your husband's. Other driver's education. If all drivers realized that the left lane is for passing only, not doing the speed limit and clogging up traffic, I promise 90% of your husbands issues will be resolve...d. Until then, buy him a super fast accelerating car equipped with super big brakes and hold on for the ride of your life. I personally recommend you buy him a BMW M6, probably a drop top if you are in FL. It worked for me. PS. I haven't been issued any citations in the last decade either. Just saying....
Sally:
oh god here we go again . "blame the victim' for road rage and the 'I have the right to go any speed I want to in the left lane' syndrome. No, you DON'T.. not in any state.. Those 'traffic cloggers' in the left lane that keep you from going... any speed you want are mostly there because 1)they are going to make a left turn soon and in most metro areas you HAVE to get in the left turn lane well ahead of time or you won't be able to or 2) they would really like to move over to the right but all the reckless, rude speeders in the right lane, all following too closely, won't let them. Will you overly-testosteroneized folks ever realize that the left lane does NOT belong to you to go any speed you want? probably not, you all want to be Mario Andretti or Jimmy Johnson or somebody like that.
Rose:
My ex-husband used to go absolutely crazy driving down here. He would get right on someone's tail and just lay on the horn - it was embarrassing. I was always afraid he was going to give some elderly driver a heart attack or a stroke - so I know how you feel.
Ashley:
Just let him take the wheel~ him probably likes the rush hehe~
DearBubbie
I think I'd just try to beat my husband to the punch and say IMMEDIATELY: "Oh honey, I'm so proud of you for not saying what an idiot that person is! You're aweseome!" I mean, you'd have to say it IMMEDIATELY before he has a chance to pound... the steering wheel. To be honest. . during my single days. . .if I had a date with someone who drove badly, I never dated them again. People said I was "too picky", but I love going for rides so much, I had to love the way the person drove. The worst thing HubbaBubbaBubbieHubbie says is: "Get out of my way, Grandma" which he stole from the movie "Cool Runnings". I don't know if you can tell your hubby (when he's acting up): "Turn it around. This ride is over."
Sally:
I agree, if a man is really a terrible driver I'd have to think whether the relationship is worth it.. furthermore I would bet that most of the bad 'road rage' men have serious anger management issues in other areas of life as well..
Charles:
I have a wife thatr is the same waqy and takes her eyes off the road and away from her driving to make phone calls on her cell phone, and i pray everyday that noone gets hurt or killed including her. Yes, she has an uncontrolable temperthat scares a lot of people, and that temper is what caused our seperation along with her being physically and verbally abusive to several people, and that is something I hope and pray she gets professional help for.
DearBubbie BubbaBub Charles, thanks for weighing in. I see you do a lot of 'likes' on our page. We're happy to have you with us. I hope you meet a kinder, gentler kindred spirit.
Sally:
I hope that every man who's in a marriage that is hopeless or not salvageable will take steps to end it.. there are lots of kind, loving, loyal, non-abusive women who would just love to have a partner.
DearBubbie "My husband is the most gawd-awful driver and somehow he avoids getting tickets. He not only will tailgate, but his road rage (even towards elderly drivers) makes me feel like I don't know him. He says he'll try to do better, but I practically see his blood pressure go up even when he's quiet. Of course, HE wants to ...drive. What do you suggest?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary:
Stop riding with him. Tell him that you don't like the way he drives or behaves,that its dangerous to you and him AND everyone else on the road and you refuse to ride with him anymore. When you go somewhere, you drive. Then ease up a bit slowly by "allowing" him to drive when you really don't feel like driving.
Lynda:
I am not sure which is worse, your husband who has very bad driving etiquette or mine who wants to drive from the passenger seat. I would insist on driving when we were together. Explain to him that his attitude makes you very nervous and you would just as soon let him sit in the passenger side and enjoy the ride. I have seen so much road rage turn into violence. What is done is done. I am not even a horn honker because by the time I honk they have already committed that infraction..
DearBubbie I wonder if the 'reward' system would work here. Reward good driving habits with his favorite meal....or something else. .. . If he doesn't drive well, penalize him yourself with your own 'ticket' of sorts. I wonder if WHILE the infraction is happening, if there's anything you can do as the passenger to allieviate his stress. Maybe you can google "funny insults' and while the other driver is not moving on a green light, you can start your comedy routine.
DearBubbie
Lynda - you're funny! But be careful. In my smaller car, whenever I pass a large SUV or truck, I have my hand resting on the horn. I also do the 'polite' horn toot vs. the "you idiot" toot. Texters and cellphone users WHILE driving can be irritating, but somehow the husband has to not make it HIS problem and thus YOUR problem. It's about controlling his temper. How in the world does one accomplish that?
Janet:
I have a problem with punishing him for bad behavior, and throwing him treats for good behavior. He's not a child. Neither is he a pet that has to be trained. He says he'll try. I think all you can do is keep reminding him of your discomfort, and don't ride with him if it scares the hell out of you. He is the only one who can change his behavior, and I believe he will once he fully understands - through your words and actions - how uncomfortable you are with his driving habits.
Gordon:
Pray for a close call that almost became a serious accident, yet many men continue that pattern even after a REAL accident. Judging from the job i just retired from , this could be job stress on his part that in certain fields carries into off time. My ex wife drove most of the time we drove anywhere together and I was fine with it(I drove all day for a living), a "Type A' male will have none of that...
Michael A.:
It's all about education. Not your husband's. Other driver's education. If all drivers realized that the left lane is for passing only, not doing the speed limit and clogging up traffic, I promise 90% of your husbands issues will be resolve...d. Until then, buy him a super fast accelerating car equipped with super big brakes and hold on for the ride of your life. I personally recommend you buy him a BMW M6, probably a drop top if you are in FL. It worked for me. PS. I haven't been issued any citations in the last decade either. Just saying....
Sally:
oh god here we go again . "blame the victim' for road rage and the 'I have the right to go any speed I want to in the left lane' syndrome. No, you DON'T.. not in any state.. Those 'traffic cloggers' in the left lane that keep you from going... any speed you want are mostly there because 1)they are going to make a left turn soon and in most metro areas you HAVE to get in the left turn lane well ahead of time or you won't be able to or 2) they would really like to move over to the right but all the reckless, rude speeders in the right lane, all following too closely, won't let them. Will you overly-testosteroneized folks ever realize that the left lane does NOT belong to you to go any speed you want? probably not, you all want to be Mario Andretti or Jimmy Johnson or somebody like that.
Rose:
My ex-husband used to go absolutely crazy driving down here. He would get right on someone's tail and just lay on the horn - it was embarrassing. I was always afraid he was going to give some elderly driver a heart attack or a stroke - so I know how you feel.
Ashley:
Just let him take the wheel~ him probably likes the rush hehe~
DearBubbie
I think I'd just try to beat my husband to the punch and say IMMEDIATELY: "Oh honey, I'm so proud of you for not saying what an idiot that person is! You're aweseome!" I mean, you'd have to say it IMMEDIATELY before he has a chance to pound... the steering wheel. To be honest. . during my single days. . .if I had a date with someone who drove badly, I never dated them again. People said I was "too picky", but I love going for rides so much, I had to love the way the person drove. The worst thing HubbaBubbaBubbieHubbie says is: "Get out of my way, Grandma" which he stole from the movie "Cool Runnings". I don't know if you can tell your hubby (when he's acting up): "Turn it around. This ride is over."
Sally:
I agree, if a man is really a terrible driver I'd have to think whether the relationship is worth it.. furthermore I would bet that most of the bad 'road rage' men have serious anger management issues in other areas of life as well..
Charles:
I have a wife thatr is the same waqy and takes her eyes off the road and away from her driving to make phone calls on her cell phone, and i pray everyday that noone gets hurt or killed including her. Yes, she has an uncontrolable temperthat scares a lot of people, and that temper is what caused our seperation along with her being physically and verbally abusive to several people, and that is something I hope and pray she gets professional help for.
DearBubbie BubbaBub Charles, thanks for weighing in. I see you do a lot of 'likes' on our page. We're happy to have you with us. I hope you meet a kinder, gentler kindred spirit.
Sally:
I hope that every man who's in a marriage that is hopeless or not salvageable will take steps to end it.. there are lots of kind, loving, loyal, non-abusive women who would just love to have a partner.
She Talks and Talks and Talks and. . .
DearBubbie "I've been married for seven years and lately, I am bored out of my mind by my wife. She talks incessantly about people I don't know (and could care less about). She talks about her appearance a lot - too much. I can't even enjoy dinner with her endless drivel. I want to say: "SHUT UP! Can you just SHUT UP for one minute"? Can you help us get back to finding each other interesting?"
Paul:
wait a second*.....
Susanne:
Have you tried steering the conversation to something that interests you both...or finding something that interests the two of you. If there's something that bothers you, it's up to you to make an effort to make things better. Is your wife aware of the way you feel? If she doesn't know how you feel, she can't make any changes. Good luck
Janet:
Incessant, mindless chatter gets on my nerves, too...But, didn't she do this when you found her 'interesting'?
Paul:
Okay, I had to stop laughing.... You've been married 7 years? When was the last time you took the time to have a conversation with your wife? You say she talks too much about her appearance, have you noticed her lately? Complimented her on ...her looks/dress? And maybe she talks about her friends because she wants to involve you in her life.Get to know her again, look back 7 years to find what was interesting with you two to begin with! The worst thing you could do is tell your wife (or anyone just wanting to talk) to "shut up"! It sounds like she just wants you to have some interest in her life again! So, here's a KleenaxSee More
Paul:
...sorry, I had to stop laughing again, Kleenex tissue, wipe your tears, blow your nose, AND TAKE SOME TIME TO TALK/INVOLVE IN YOUR WIFE'S LAUGH! ps- And eat dinner alittle faster if you want a hot meal!
Ruben:
Buy her some ear rings, take her to dinner and then eat her potato salad. That'll do it.
Jan:
Good comment Janet. A lot of men love to talk on and on about their jobs, past and present and I know a lot of women listen and retain a lot of what is said...even if it is boring to them. I know personally that some of these same men wil...l then say of their partner's conversation exactly what this man said- "I don't know these people....I don't care about them"A successful relationship means that BOTH of you listen to the other.Maybe she won't talk so much if you actually show interest in what she is saying.
Deb:
two people have said it.....she was probably like this when you met and you found it.......charming?, helpful that she carried the conversation?..........figure out your shift first. Seems you two would have found that place of "easy silenc...e" by now. And she sounds nervous and insecure. So the comments about complimenting her are right on. Maybe it's time for a new hobby together. I was married for 15 years and I couldn't listen to my husband's drivel either after awhile....but had I known then what I know now, I would have done some couples workshops and gotten into who we both are so we could have some respect for our differences. I love the Enneagram for this.....we have a local group and it's not therapy, but rather self exploration.
Lisa:
You know the saying when you point your finger at someone there are three more pointing right back at you. Its not all her. She is desparate for you to engage in conversation and is just fishing around for a topic that you might want to t...alk about. Engage in active conversation with her. Ask questions, dig deeper, you might find that the conversations will become less about things that bore you and more about who she is as a person and what her views are on things and there will be different levels of conversation starting. I have been married 21 years- I have a vastly different hobby from my husband and frankly neither of us really care about the others hoby except that it makes us happy. We still listen to the other when we talk about what makes us happy even if it is boring and we have no freaking clue about what the other is talking about. And ya know what- eventually we learn quite a bit about the other's hobby, enough to hold a conversation and we each are very happy. Active conversation.
DearBubbie
If she's a talker where you can't even get a word in EDGEWISE - you need to tell her to stop a minute to breathe and also let you 'engage' in the conversation. I'm looking at the extreme, just in case that's the case. She would have to be ...told - NICELY. Otherwise, you need to step up to the plate and do some work. (That's why they say - marriage takes work; things don't always fall into place naturally.) You have to come up with topics - as has been advised. From talking about something in the newspaper, to an upcoming vacation to a tv show or movie or food! I let my husband talk about his Willy's Jeep and I've learned a LOT; but when it starts getting too technical, I make a joke and he 'gets it'. It does make me happy when he yammers on about it, though - because I know how happy it makes him. I'm sure he feels the same way about my tennis. But along with the 'boring' talk - there still needs to be a common ground that both can happily yammer on about together! ♥
Chris:
I am smiling and laughing too Paul, but for some different reasons. I care for my 92/93 year old Grandparents and they have been married 70 years. I know my Grandma listened intently to my Pop's interests and hobbies for most of those 70 ...years. Now she has mild dementia and has short term memory loss and Pop now has to listen to the same conversations over and over and over and over again on a daily basis. Karma works that way. Whenever I tell my Dad I feel bad for Pop he just smiles and says Pop is getting a bit of a payback.I agree with Deb too. Your wife was probably the same "conversationalist" when you met her, but the things that attracted you far outweighed that and you didn't notice. Time to take notice again of what attracted you in the first place. Marriages these days have "short term memory problems" when it comes to why we married our spouse to begin with.Good luck. Really, the laughter is not at you in my case, but smiling and laughing is how I deal with many of my stressors and I think you need to find some humor along with love in your situation. My husband comes home everyday from work and tells me stories about 4 or 5 coworkers. If I told him to Shut Up and that I didn't care, I don't think he would be very happy with me. Ya think??
Sara:
Sounds like you BOTH need to have a good long honest talk...and go back to the start....what got you together in the first place...turn off the phone, radio tv and go for a bike ride....a walk....listen to each other...find yourselfs again...get away from the everyday stress of life and reconnect
Michael A.
I hate to say it, but there are always three sides to a relationship story….his, hers and the real truth.Try looking hard in the mirror at yourself. Oftentimes you have more impact on a relationship by changing your methods/ways rather tha...n insisting on your partner being the one to change.Here are 23 Ways to Be the Man She Wants1. You can put down the weights and the protein shakes. You might want us to be perfect looking; we simply want you not to be fat. 2. Replace all of those hideous size-extra-large T-shirts with something that actually sort of fits. We think you might be a medium.3. Never allow anyone who listens to baseball on the radio to cut your hair.4. Purchase sheets that don't contain polyester and that are white.5. Blue Book value isn't everything. Take the money you were going to spend putting the backseat DVD theater in your Honda and buy a nice pair of shoes.6. We don't care what the plan is. Just have one.7. Candles. They are so cheap and they are so effective.8. When you give her a gift, include a card. You can spend less on the gift if you write something nice. Don't buy a card with a message in it, unless you're dating Danielle Steele.9. She arrives home from work eager for attention. You arrive home from work eager for several beers and the Simpsons-King of the Hill hour. The moment you come home, hug her, look into her eyes, and say that you're happy to see her. This simple gesture, done with sincerity, will earn you lots of time on the couch.10. Buy covered garbage cans for your kitchen and bathroom. They hide stuff we don't want to know about anyway.11. Make a list entitled "Intolerable Behavior from Women," and when you see it happening, speak up. Let us know you won't be around no matter what, and we'll want to keep you. 12. Drive a stick shift. Men look ineffectual driving automatics.13. Never utter the phrase, "I know I'm no Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington." You're a guy. Merely acting like you think you're hot makes you hot. Be grateful, because women actually have to be hot to be hot.14. Short sleeves are for golf only; sandals are for Jesus only.15. When a woman asks you to accompany her to a wedding or a family event, R.S.V.P. within 24 hours. If you find that you can't commit, do everyone a favor and break it off.16. Stop operating on the in-trouble/not-in-trouble paradigm. Just because we're not yelling at you doesn't mean everything is okay.17. If you're late, call.18. Brush your teeth a lot.19. Realize that if you "keep forgetting" to trim your nose hairs, we will "keep forgetting" to initiate sex.20. If your television is of a size such that it is regularly commented on, hide it in a cabinet. You might have a penchant for a) sloth, b) passivity, or c) tuning out the world, but she need not be reminded of this every time she walks into your living room.21. You might not know what she wants you to get her for her birthday, but her friends do. Ask them. 22. When we are together, sometimes we are occupied with tasks—closing a window, putting on a new CD, petting the cat—that cause us to focus our gaze elsewhere. May we suggest these windows of time as the most favorable for scratching your balls.23. Buy a Swiffer and use it. They come in dry (living room) and wet (kitchen and bathroom). Wash your dishes. Pick up your clothes. Swiff. She'll think you're a responsible adult.And, there are some other good reads at www.menshealth.com .
Mary:
You know I have come to this page today about 4 times, and left again because I really couldnt find the words to respond to this. Having counted to about 1000 I am ready to give this person some feed back.Maybe you just need to grow up and ...get to know the "friends you dont know and dont care about" Obviously they are important to her. You said I do... but dont care enough to know her friends? I have huge issues with that. Maybe she is talking because you are not talking to her and she wants conversation? I can almost guarantee your marriage is not going to last if you are tired and bored of your wife and want her to "shut up" all the timeSounds to me like you need to do your wife a favor and get some counseling. Not trying to be harsh,just honestHaving said that, I am sorry, but you obviously have a problem. Maybe its a medical problem like depression? You should consult with your doctor. I dont know how old you are, but maybe you are suffering from a midlife crisis? Seriously, go see your doc, make a date with the one you married, and take the time to care... it would probably work miraclesGoing back to my own page, apologizing ahead of time if my post is rude.. just giving honest feedback... what I love about this page...·
DearBubbie
I just remember one couple that my husband and I ate with at lunch. The woman talked NON-STOP and it was all 'nonsense'. Like she loved hearing the sound of her own voice. She was chewing and talking at the same time. We were ALL quiet -... because there was NO way we would be able to get a sentence in. She was very happy, her husband looked miserable, my husband was amused and I was frazzled. So - that scenario could be what's causing his 'reaction'. And the solution in that case - would be to let her know.
DearBubbie Another quick story. . .an older woman came in who was widowed. She said her husband told the same cow story to every acquaintance he would meet. She wanted to kill him if she heard the cow story one more time. When he passed, she said she'd give everything to hear the cow story again.
Mary:
But Bubbie... this guy said "Lately..." different?
Martha:
your wife knows how you feel thats why she keeps rambling. One day she will shut up and you will not hear her voice again, this is how my x husband was with me I was a stay at home mom and he worked when he came home I just wanted attension... and he started the same borded and the looks said it all then he did get around to teling me to shut up slowly over time I started talking less and less until one day I was sitting in a chair staring at the wall all day everyday, I filed for divorce and now Im free to talk as much as I want and its never to him. Women can fall into depression very easily when we dont get the attension we need and want from our spouse so be careful with how you look and talk to her. We talk about our apperence because we want to know you still find us sexy, we talk about our friends because we miss our best friend (hubby), the things we talk about the most is what is either causeing us the most pain or missing from our life. Marriage is about two becoming one so its not about you and its not about her its about you both, as women we often put off ourselves for the other and sometimes we need you to put off yourself and focus on her. This is called the seven yr itch so figure out what is causing the itch and scratch it so you can move on to yr 8,9, 10, 20 ect. Some things also depend on age, kids/no kids, biological clock ticking, hormones, goals, ect read some books on women about her age. Good luck
DearBubbie Mary - absolutely. You make an excellent point that I overlooked! Martha, I like that you always write from your heart. Thank you for sharing from your personal point of view.
Martha:
your welcome and this is my favorite page!
Kat:
Actually, I kind of sympathize with you. People who talk incessantly about nothing drive me insane. You've gotten a lot of good comments. Personally, I've broken up with a couple of friends in my lifetime over this same issue (talking a...bout coworkers constantly I had no interest in, talking about their own aesthetic until I thought I'd gag, etc.) I've also read a study that says that many people who talk constantly are actually afraid of intimacy. They use the chatter as a smoke screen to not let other people get too close. Could this be your wife? With the aforementioned friends, I tried steering the conversation to more personal levels on multiple occasions and got nowhere. I wanted to know more about who THEY were, what THEY thought, how THEY felt, not their idiotic coworkers. When I hit a dead end over and over again, I finally had to give the "It's not you, it's me," talk, and move on. Unfortuately, this is your wife. Get thee to counseling before it completely falls apart.
Michael R.:
Everyone (and I mean every one...especially Americans) needs to shut their yaps more often.We talk talk talk...about nothing.This is only one of SO many complaints I hear EXACTLY LIKE THIS on a weekly basis. Men of all ages lose so much att...raction for their wives because the first turn off for most men (yes, even more than weight gain) is BORDOM.Bordom, for a man, usually introduces itself by way of a woman's never-ending blather.I say this with love in the name of candor and potential understanding, Ladies.Say 25% less, and watch what happens.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul:
Paul:
wait a second*.....
Susanne:
Have you tried steering the conversation to something that interests you both...or finding something that interests the two of you. If there's something that bothers you, it's up to you to make an effort to make things better. Is your wife aware of the way you feel? If she doesn't know how you feel, she can't make any changes. Good luck
Janet:
Incessant, mindless chatter gets on my nerves, too...But, didn't she do this when you found her 'interesting'?
Paul:
Okay, I had to stop laughing.... You've been married 7 years? When was the last time you took the time to have a conversation with your wife? You say she talks too much about her appearance, have you noticed her lately? Complimented her on ...her looks/dress? And maybe she talks about her friends because she wants to involve you in her life.Get to know her again, look back 7 years to find what was interesting with you two to begin with! The worst thing you could do is tell your wife (or anyone just wanting to talk) to "shut up"! It sounds like she just wants you to have some interest in her life again! So, here's a KleenaxSee More
Paul:
...sorry, I had to stop laughing again, Kleenex tissue, wipe your tears, blow your nose, AND TAKE SOME TIME TO TALK/INVOLVE IN YOUR WIFE'S LAUGH! ps- And eat dinner alittle faster if you want a hot meal!
Ruben:
Buy her some ear rings, take her to dinner and then eat her potato salad. That'll do it.
Jan:
Good comment Janet. A lot of men love to talk on and on about their jobs, past and present and I know a lot of women listen and retain a lot of what is said...even if it is boring to them. I know personally that some of these same men wil...l then say of their partner's conversation exactly what this man said- "I don't know these people....I don't care about them"A successful relationship means that BOTH of you listen to the other.Maybe she won't talk so much if you actually show interest in what she is saying.
Deb:
two people have said it.....she was probably like this when you met and you found it.......charming?, helpful that she carried the conversation?..........figure out your shift first. Seems you two would have found that place of "easy silenc...e" by now. And she sounds nervous and insecure. So the comments about complimenting her are right on. Maybe it's time for a new hobby together. I was married for 15 years and I couldn't listen to my husband's drivel either after awhile....but had I known then what I know now, I would have done some couples workshops and gotten into who we both are so we could have some respect for our differences. I love the Enneagram for this.....we have a local group and it's not therapy, but rather self exploration.
Lisa:
You know the saying when you point your finger at someone there are three more pointing right back at you. Its not all her. She is desparate for you to engage in conversation and is just fishing around for a topic that you might want to t...alk about. Engage in active conversation with her. Ask questions, dig deeper, you might find that the conversations will become less about things that bore you and more about who she is as a person and what her views are on things and there will be different levels of conversation starting. I have been married 21 years- I have a vastly different hobby from my husband and frankly neither of us really care about the others hoby except that it makes us happy. We still listen to the other when we talk about what makes us happy even if it is boring and we have no freaking clue about what the other is talking about. And ya know what- eventually we learn quite a bit about the other's hobby, enough to hold a conversation and we each are very happy. Active conversation.
DearBubbie
If she's a talker where you can't even get a word in EDGEWISE - you need to tell her to stop a minute to breathe and also let you 'engage' in the conversation. I'm looking at the extreme, just in case that's the case. She would have to be ...told - NICELY. Otherwise, you need to step up to the plate and do some work. (That's why they say - marriage takes work; things don't always fall into place naturally.) You have to come up with topics - as has been advised. From talking about something in the newspaper, to an upcoming vacation to a tv show or movie or food! I let my husband talk about his Willy's Jeep and I've learned a LOT; but when it starts getting too technical, I make a joke and he 'gets it'. It does make me happy when he yammers on about it, though - because I know how happy it makes him. I'm sure he feels the same way about my tennis. But along with the 'boring' talk - there still needs to be a common ground that both can happily yammer on about together! ♥
Chris:
I am smiling and laughing too Paul, but for some different reasons. I care for my 92/93 year old Grandparents and they have been married 70 years. I know my Grandma listened intently to my Pop's interests and hobbies for most of those 70 ...years. Now she has mild dementia and has short term memory loss and Pop now has to listen to the same conversations over and over and over and over again on a daily basis. Karma works that way. Whenever I tell my Dad I feel bad for Pop he just smiles and says Pop is getting a bit of a payback.I agree with Deb too. Your wife was probably the same "conversationalist" when you met her, but the things that attracted you far outweighed that and you didn't notice. Time to take notice again of what attracted you in the first place. Marriages these days have "short term memory problems" when it comes to why we married our spouse to begin with.Good luck. Really, the laughter is not at you in my case, but smiling and laughing is how I deal with many of my stressors and I think you need to find some humor along with love in your situation. My husband comes home everyday from work and tells me stories about 4 or 5 coworkers. If I told him to Shut Up and that I didn't care, I don't think he would be very happy with me. Ya think??
Sara:
Sounds like you BOTH need to have a good long honest talk...and go back to the start....what got you together in the first place...turn off the phone, radio tv and go for a bike ride....a walk....listen to each other...find yourselfs again...get away from the everyday stress of life and reconnect
Michael A.
I hate to say it, but there are always three sides to a relationship story….his, hers and the real truth.Try looking hard in the mirror at yourself. Oftentimes you have more impact on a relationship by changing your methods/ways rather tha...n insisting on your partner being the one to change.Here are 23 Ways to Be the Man She Wants1. You can put down the weights and the protein shakes. You might want us to be perfect looking; we simply want you not to be fat. 2. Replace all of those hideous size-extra-large T-shirts with something that actually sort of fits. We think you might be a medium.3. Never allow anyone who listens to baseball on the radio to cut your hair.4. Purchase sheets that don't contain polyester and that are white.5. Blue Book value isn't everything. Take the money you were going to spend putting the backseat DVD theater in your Honda and buy a nice pair of shoes.6. We don't care what the plan is. Just have one.7. Candles. They are so cheap and they are so effective.8. When you give her a gift, include a card. You can spend less on the gift if you write something nice. Don't buy a card with a message in it, unless you're dating Danielle Steele.9. She arrives home from work eager for attention. You arrive home from work eager for several beers and the Simpsons-King of the Hill hour. The moment you come home, hug her, look into her eyes, and say that you're happy to see her. This simple gesture, done with sincerity, will earn you lots of time on the couch.10. Buy covered garbage cans for your kitchen and bathroom. They hide stuff we don't want to know about anyway.11. Make a list entitled "Intolerable Behavior from Women," and when you see it happening, speak up. Let us know you won't be around no matter what, and we'll want to keep you. 12. Drive a stick shift. Men look ineffectual driving automatics.13. Never utter the phrase, "I know I'm no Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington." You're a guy. Merely acting like you think you're hot makes you hot. Be grateful, because women actually have to be hot to be hot.14. Short sleeves are for golf only; sandals are for Jesus only.15. When a woman asks you to accompany her to a wedding or a family event, R.S.V.P. within 24 hours. If you find that you can't commit, do everyone a favor and break it off.16. Stop operating on the in-trouble/not-in-trouble paradigm. Just because we're not yelling at you doesn't mean everything is okay.17. If you're late, call.18. Brush your teeth a lot.19. Realize that if you "keep forgetting" to trim your nose hairs, we will "keep forgetting" to initiate sex.20. If your television is of a size such that it is regularly commented on, hide it in a cabinet. You might have a penchant for a) sloth, b) passivity, or c) tuning out the world, but she need not be reminded of this every time she walks into your living room.21. You might not know what she wants you to get her for her birthday, but her friends do. Ask them. 22. When we are together, sometimes we are occupied with tasks—closing a window, putting on a new CD, petting the cat—that cause us to focus our gaze elsewhere. May we suggest these windows of time as the most favorable for scratching your balls.23. Buy a Swiffer and use it. They come in dry (living room) and wet (kitchen and bathroom). Wash your dishes. Pick up your clothes. Swiff. She'll think you're a responsible adult.And, there are some other good reads at www.menshealth.com .
Mary:
You know I have come to this page today about 4 times, and left again because I really couldnt find the words to respond to this. Having counted to about 1000 I am ready to give this person some feed back.Maybe you just need to grow up and ...get to know the "friends you dont know and dont care about" Obviously they are important to her. You said I do... but dont care enough to know her friends? I have huge issues with that. Maybe she is talking because you are not talking to her and she wants conversation? I can almost guarantee your marriage is not going to last if you are tired and bored of your wife and want her to "shut up" all the timeSounds to me like you need to do your wife a favor and get some counseling. Not trying to be harsh,just honestHaving said that, I am sorry, but you obviously have a problem. Maybe its a medical problem like depression? You should consult with your doctor. I dont know how old you are, but maybe you are suffering from a midlife crisis? Seriously, go see your doc, make a date with the one you married, and take the time to care... it would probably work miraclesGoing back to my own page, apologizing ahead of time if my post is rude.. just giving honest feedback... what I love about this page...·
DearBubbie
I just remember one couple that my husband and I ate with at lunch. The woman talked NON-STOP and it was all 'nonsense'. Like she loved hearing the sound of her own voice. She was chewing and talking at the same time. We were ALL quiet -... because there was NO way we would be able to get a sentence in. She was very happy, her husband looked miserable, my husband was amused and I was frazzled. So - that scenario could be what's causing his 'reaction'. And the solution in that case - would be to let her know.
DearBubbie Another quick story. . .an older woman came in who was widowed. She said her husband told the same cow story to every acquaintance he would meet. She wanted to kill him if she heard the cow story one more time. When he passed, she said she'd give everything to hear the cow story again.
Mary:
But Bubbie... this guy said "Lately..." different?
Martha:
your wife knows how you feel thats why she keeps rambling. One day she will shut up and you will not hear her voice again, this is how my x husband was with me I was a stay at home mom and he worked when he came home I just wanted attension... and he started the same borded and the looks said it all then he did get around to teling me to shut up slowly over time I started talking less and less until one day I was sitting in a chair staring at the wall all day everyday, I filed for divorce and now Im free to talk as much as I want and its never to him. Women can fall into depression very easily when we dont get the attension we need and want from our spouse so be careful with how you look and talk to her. We talk about our apperence because we want to know you still find us sexy, we talk about our friends because we miss our best friend (hubby), the things we talk about the most is what is either causeing us the most pain or missing from our life. Marriage is about two becoming one so its not about you and its not about her its about you both, as women we often put off ourselves for the other and sometimes we need you to put off yourself and focus on her. This is called the seven yr itch so figure out what is causing the itch and scratch it so you can move on to yr 8,9, 10, 20 ect. Some things also depend on age, kids/no kids, biological clock ticking, hormones, goals, ect read some books on women about her age. Good luck
DearBubbie Mary - absolutely. You make an excellent point that I overlooked! Martha, I like that you always write from your heart. Thank you for sharing from your personal point of view.
Martha:
your welcome and this is my favorite page!
Kat:
Actually, I kind of sympathize with you. People who talk incessantly about nothing drive me insane. You've gotten a lot of good comments. Personally, I've broken up with a couple of friends in my lifetime over this same issue (talking a...bout coworkers constantly I had no interest in, talking about their own aesthetic until I thought I'd gag, etc.) I've also read a study that says that many people who talk constantly are actually afraid of intimacy. They use the chatter as a smoke screen to not let other people get too close. Could this be your wife? With the aforementioned friends, I tried steering the conversation to more personal levels on multiple occasions and got nowhere. I wanted to know more about who THEY were, what THEY thought, how THEY felt, not their idiotic coworkers. When I hit a dead end over and over again, I finally had to give the "It's not you, it's me," talk, and move on. Unfortuately, this is your wife. Get thee to counseling before it completely falls apart.
Michael R.:
Everyone (and I mean every one...especially Americans) needs to shut their yaps more often.We talk talk talk...about nothing.This is only one of SO many complaints I hear EXACTLY LIKE THIS on a weekly basis. Men of all ages lose so much att...raction for their wives because the first turn off for most men (yes, even more than weight gain) is BORDOM.Bordom, for a man, usually introduces itself by way of a woman's never-ending blather.I say this with love in the name of candor and potential understanding, Ladies.Say 25% less, and watch what happens.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Creating a "So Ugly It's Cute" Baby
Sometimes a woman just knows these things.
After skipping two months, I felt a baby was on the way. No, not that kind of baby.
I just hadn't been inspired to pick up a brush and paint, so my blank wood figurines and unfinished furniture just sat there. My gesso was just too tired to swim its way from bottle to brush to bare wood. They were crying to be brought out into the world (okay, my shop) all shiny and new and colorful!
My penchant for painting these old neglected items in need of TLC came shortly after I met my husband-to-be, John. He introduced me to yard sales, which I initially scoffed at. However, if a stop at the donut shop was part of our Saturday morning excursion, I was in!
In no time at all, I went from not wanting to touch other people's 'stuff' to looking for signed and numbered insignias/stamps underneath figurines. I learned which watches and jewelry were a deal to discovering that even old license plates had value.
I was all about the resale.
But it was arts & crafts items and bare wood that made my heart skip a beat. Unfortunately, I'm not an artist, but that didn't stop me. My husband did try to put a halt to my spending: "We have a whole room full of junk. You'll never get around to painting it all!"
Not amused, I'd reply nastily, "It's two dollars! Just give me TWO DOLLARS!"
Despite some miscarriages of art, I was joyfully creating mismatched, non-sensical, so-ugly-they're-cute babies! Admittedly, I did want to ask for pain-numbing drugs when a color would kick me or a design gave me indigestion, but the most I did was aspirin (causing me to almost drink my paint water instead of my drinking water).
Then the unthinkable happened. A miracle! One of my babies sold!
The buyer was from Palm Beach Gardens, who always negotiated on artwork, but never bought anything. Tiresome haggling ended with him always saying: "I'll think about it."
When he eyed my table that I had marked for a preposterous $350.00, I immediately told him that I couldn't negotiate as it was a "one-of-a-kind" item.
"Who painted it?" he asked. Ugh - I was busted! My face turned a bright red, as I said with a faux confidence: "I did."
He bought the table that day at full price, but the phone rang two days later. I recognized his number on my caller ID and decided not to pick up. He was going to return it or it fell apart. Instead he left a message saying how nice it looked in the guestroom.
From that day forward, my husband never complained about me buying a blank piece of wood something-or-the-other again. And I stopped giving him the retaliatory eye roll when he'd buy a broken down rusted dirty piece of equipment that he'd be in disbelief over that he could get it for so cheap.
My children sit proudly at my shop greeting me when I open and waving goodbye at five o'clock. Sometimes people will pick them up and ooh and ahhh. Others will say, curiously: What is that?!?!
Who knows what will happen to my children as the years roll by. I hope they'll be cared for and dusted. However, I know that like so many 'finds' at yard sales, my kids may come full circle. And among the kitsch, my cat will be sitting on a fold-out table that someone will be fighting over with their husband: "It's ONLY two dollars! Give me $2.00!"
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