From the DearBubbie@yahoo.com mailbox and the replies from our DearBubbie Facebook page.
Dear Bubbie:
Teenager just turns 16. Her goal is to make it into a Florida college (extremely tough). Grades are good. However, she wants to follow in the footsteps of her brother and work at a grocery store. Money has never been an issue for this family. Brother got involved with wrong people at work. Should she work there? Any ideal job thoughts for a girl that age? Or should she not work at all?
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Janet:
Don't quite get this questions. Her goal is to go to a Florida college, and she wants to work in the grocery store at the same time, or after she graduates?
DearBubbie
Thank you for allowing me to clarify, Janet. She wants to work WHILE she's still in high school. She just turned 16 and wants to work in addition to going to school. But it appears that her lofty ambition to get into a four-year college will be compromised with more focus on socializing and work at the new job - like it did with her brother.
Janet
I don't think that working part time while in high school will compromise her college education, as long as she keeps up her school work. Plenty of teenagers do that. It's not the job that would interfere, but any bad decisions she makes-such as hanging out with the wrong crowd, and letting her social life interfere with her schoolwork.
Sarah
Personal Experience - The people you work with do effect you. I don't think its a good idea for a young lady to seek employment at a place she already knows has alot of the wrong sorts of people working there. Just asking for trouble.
She should definitely work, but there are probably better options. One of My First Jobs was at a Starbucks Style Coffee House - It was fun, I felt cool, Met Cool People, and My Friends came to see me and get coffee all the time. Great for a Teenager. Another great job Option for teen gals is to work at a clothing store like Gap/Old navy/Charlotte Russe Etc... Make Some Money and get a discount on clothes etc...
If Money is not important - Concentrate mostly on school. You can also find volunteering opprotunities more rewarding and character building than a job if you find the right opprotunity (and there are LOTS)
Don't seek out a job that has caused trouble for people in the past. You will only be subjecting yourself to those same influences which you felt were bad for your brother. You might be able to handle it better than he did, but why make your first work experiences be negative ones?
Good Luck! SCHOOL FIRST!
Chris
I would highly recommend a job as a teen in the grocery store business. I worked for A & P Supermarkets in NJ in HS and I learned a lot in that business. Also at 19 yrs old I was given my own department as a manger and made close to $30,000 my first year. That was over 20 years ago! And if I knew then what I know now about managing people and running a business, I may have very well stayed in that business and been a merchandiser or district manager. I have friends back from those days that are still in the business that are great people with excellent careers making a wonderful living. It can be a very high stress retail job and supermarkets count on a huge amount of part time employees, so that is a huge challenge. I would tell this young lady, that if she enjoys the job then take it and learn as much as she can about customer service, financials, merchandising, purchasing, inventory, scheduling and put it to work with a college education! The supermarket business gave me the background training that I needed to run my own restaurant and it was an excellent thing to have on my resume through the years. I still have a reference letter from my store manager when I left A & P and I cherish his kind remarks about the job that I did for him.
There seems to be a stigma that a job at a supermarket is not a good career path. Do not be fooled by the aprons and silly hair nets. Managers make over $100,000 yr with bonuses and department heads these days can make $50,000 and up. It is hard to get a full time position as they usually promote from within. I believe in that concept. And if this young lady gets a college education and she finds that she loves the business, she would have a good chance of moving up.
So if her family is discouraging this part time high school job because they don't think it is a good place to work, they should think again. How many college graduates do they know that are unemployed or possibly bagging groceries to pay back a college loan? She might as well learn what the real world is about and I congratulate her on wanting to work hard and learn. Her brother meeting the wrong people has nothing to do with the business choice. He could have had a job as a Doctor or Lawyer and got mixed up with drugs, alcohol, liars.... you name it they are everywhere!
Janet
Yes-they are everywhere...in any place you work. That's why it all depends on the choices she makes. There are most likely also great people to associate with where her brother works.
Jan
Just because they are brother and sister does not mean that they are exactly alike. This girl is making good grades, wants to go on to a Florida college and WANTS to work. Sounds to me like she is an ambitious young lady. What kind of friends does she hang around with now? Chances are she will gravitate to the same kind of friends in a working environment.
Chris
Why is it more cool to work at a Starbucks than Publix? It is all a matter of what you consider a cool job. Do what you like and LOVE what you do! Most supermarkets offer college tuition for their employees as well. Even a company like Tractor Supply Company does that for their part time employees! It is an excellent benefit!! More so than a discount on clothing. I see some people work a t a retail store like the Gap and they spend more than they make because they get a discount. That discount won't do you a bit of good if it gets you in debt! And some supermarkets also offer discounts on their purchases. Not sure about Publix but I believe Whole Foods does.
And again, if she hangs with the wrong kids at school, she will find the wrong people to hang with at Publix too. A job at a Supermarket could teach her so much.
Just a side note. I always compliment any teenager at a job that I feel has an excellent attitude and has helped my shopping experience be pleasant. I believe kids these days don't get enough of that encouragement. And if I see someone that is rude to a teen employee for no reason, I usually try to make up for it when it is my turn to interact with them. ... I also had many teens that I hired at Word of Mouth Restaurant when I was the owner. These kids bussed tables, hosted, cashiered, prepped, took phone orders, etc. Nothing glamourous. But many of them are college graduates now that are working hard to break into the field that they want a job in. But until they find that job, I know that I taught them great skills that they can use at any restaurant to keep a cash flow coming in until they find the job of their dreams.
Tell this young lady to work to enhance her life learning, not just to get a paycheck to spend. Learn how to save and multi task. And Sarah is right... your school work must come first, especially if you want to get into a great college!
Alisa
she wants to work, it is a good thing. Don't dissaude her!
DearBubbie
I love Sarah's post. This teen idolizes her older brother - and I fear he wants her to go down the same path. I also think working part-time IS great, but be around the FIELD you want to strive for. In example - work at a veterinarian. She had business as a babysitter - learn how to save money and be busy on weekend nights. Or work for a family ... See Morebusiness and learn entrepeunerial skills. And you're DARN RIGHT, Chris, about earning good $$$'s at a grocery store with EXCELLENT BENEFITS, but that isn't her goal. To get into a college, you do have to show volunteer hours and take advanced classes and do well in them. This job surely sounds like a distraction to me. And what about for the weekend when you ARE behind on your homework or you WANT to play sports or see a movie - and you can't - because you're working. I think - that when we get OLDER, we HAVE to work. Why create hardship at such a young age when she doesn't have to? This is the time for piano lessons, schoolwork, organizations and discovering who you are. Her brother was also at the same place she was - with school being all-important. Basically his life went downhill after taking this job. But Jan has a great point - whoever she gravitates around NOW, will be the same type(s) she gravitates towards at work. I've just seen this young girl 'justify/explain' her brother's choices of friends - and I can only shake my head. Logic at that age can be filled with holes.
DearBubbie
I disagree, Alisa!!! LOL!!!!!
Chris
Who is asking the question here to begin with? The 16 yr old or her concerned parents? I was an excellent student with great grades, I played softball, was the editor of my school paper and I worked at a supermarket. It has nothing to do with where she works or if she works at all... it is all about how she handles her choices. If she idolizes her brother, maybe the brother is steering towards poor friend choices. The job won't do that for her. Some parents home school because they are so fearful that their child may get involved with poor friend choices. Believe in your kids, support them when they are trying to work hard and be independent, and help them get over a mistake when they make it. We all do make mistakes, don't we?
Allison
Publix is a great company to work for...and they do hire 16 year olds. Let's face it...in this economy it can be hard for ANYONE to get a job. And there are bad seeds in any line of employment. The parents just need to keep a watchul eye, and look for teachable moments. Use the bad seeds as examples of what not to do. Summer nannying and good ... See Moreold fashioned babysitting are also great ways to make money. I made $10-$15 an hour as a nanny when I was 17-20 and that was almost twenty years ago! I also still keep in touch with the kids who are graduating from college and masters programs. I learned a lot about parenting in a sort of "hands on" environment...invaluable experience!
Mon at 9:14am · · ReportLyn Larson My son worked at Publix starting at age 14 and enjoyed it, had no trouble with others there and still maintained his grades. He's not a straight A student but does pretty well. What is also important for her is to study for the entrance exams for college. UF for one is almost impossible to get into without 4+ GPA plus other qualifications they want.
Working helps you get a better perspecive on live and money and relationships. It also makes you learn to balance the things in your life so you can keep up with all of them. School, work, hobbies, friends, etc.
I agree that she should get a job where she wants to work and can enjoy the work. If we all learned early on to strive for a job that we enjoy, it would have helped many of us choose different paths than we did. I know I wish I had followed that course, instead of liestening to what people told me I should do. I finally figured it out, but I was older and wished I had gone the way I had wanted. ... See More
I wish her well in her endeavors; she sounds ambitious and should do well.
Maureen
This is a topic that I am living right now. I have a child that is a freshman in college and another that is a junior in high school.
We never pushed the older one tho get a job because his studies and his sports came first. Now that he is college he is at a disadvantage because all the other kids that have had more work experience as well as interview experiences than him have been able to find a job. He has not.
Now my daughter on the other hand wanted to go on a youth leadership conference in Washington DC and we said yes if she could earn her way. She took a job at a local fast food place and worked with different kids than she had within her own circle. Some of the kids went to different schools, some had different backgrounds as well as different life experiences. She had a great experience learning with them and from them. As well as the life experiences from having to answer to other adults, not teachers and not parents, and how to deal with working with the public.
I work for a local grocery chain which means that I work with kids 16 yrs olds and they come with all different situations as well. yes there are "bad kids" in the work place but they are also at school and church and at the mall etc It how you deal with them that matters to your own growth.
.
If this child doesn't have to work to have money for insurance then it become a choice and not a necessity let her make the choice if she doesn't like it she can leave it. There is nothing wrong with trying out different jobs while young. that is actually the beauty of being young.
Sarah
Work is not about Glamour. I just threw out an example of one of my first Jobs. I also worked as a Dishwasher, A Waitress, A Warehouse/Shipping Clerk, A Receptionist for the Boys/Girls Club, and as a Vet Assistant working Full time Night Shifts at a Large Animal Hospital All Before I was 18 (WHile Putting myself through high school and running a household) And there is Nothing Glamourous about Helping a Vet do a Necropsy on a Pregnant mare at 3am when its 25 degrees outside.
With that said - I LOVE the idea of a Teenager who is motivated to enter the workforce and balance that with School and Future Goals. there are lots of great PT jobs for Teens out there, grocery stores are just one of lots of options.
One of my BEST experiences (that helped me decide on my future career path) was when I worked 3 afternoons a week as a receptionist for the Boys and Girls Club and then if I had extra time the rest of the week I would go down and volunteer to help with fundraisers and networking with the community to find sponsers for Club events and generate donations, Working with the kids, and helping kids with homework. If I did not have time I was not obligated to go. It worked out great. I had plenty of time to take care of personal responsibilities, My Own Schooling, and Earn a decent PT Paycheck. (and it looks great on a Resume).
I ENCOURAGE this fine young lady to Work - I DISCOURAGE her from putting herself in a bad situation. There are OTHER grocery stores to work at too.
Chris
Great points Maureen! Too bad Jake can't use helping us bus tables at Word of Mouth when he was a young child coming to work with Mom! I agree with Maureen. Employers are looking for College grads, but they also look at life experience.
And Sarah, I know what you mean about being out in a cold, wet barn with a vet in the middle of the night... See More! Not very glamourous at all! LOL! Especially when you are wearing pajamas and mucking boots!! I always hate calling my horse vet late at night... but horses never get sick at normal times, do they?
David
My opinion would be if she wants to work part time, by all means go for it. But if the wrong people try sucking her in to their group she needs to say something to her parents, and or employer. I commend her for wanting to, but not having to work. And to seek furthering her education is fantastic! If the grades start to slack, or start calling off work to run with the in-crowd. Then it's time to take a step back, and take a perspective look at everything and see if her goals have changed. A 16 year old female is usually more mature than a young man of 19or 20. Keep your goals focused, watch out for the distractions of others trying to persuade you by peer pressure. Stick to your goals and you'll succeed where others fail.
Sarah
Great Post David!
Allison
Might I add that I also worked at Chuck E Cheese (my first job) and yes I did have to wear the costumes...which turned out to be both hillarious and fun and a great story as I have aged. Work is not about glamour and I really believe work is essential to building character. I am shocked how many young people these days don't work.
My 13 year old daughter works with me at the Indian restaurant on weekends to make spending money for her school trip to DC and NYC in May. I bet she thinks twice before she blows any of that money...and she has gained a ton of confidence (especially dealing with adults!).
David
Thanks Sarah!
Chris
Great comment David! My parents tried to discourage my jobs as they felt I didn't have to. I know the real reason is that they were trying to protect me from the wrong environment. All parents want to protect the children from the wrong outside influences. I was a very independent and strong teenager and very mature. I wanted to make my own money. I had a 100 house paper route at a very young age and was used to working. I also had many baby sitting jobs as well as pet sitting.
I had some wild and crazy friends, but that doesn't mean I let them influence me at all. I was the kind of kid in HS that just got along with everyone... the jocks, the preps, the junkies, you name it. But I was a good kid. I wanted trust and respect from my parents and believe me when I say I earned it.
I have seen a lot of parents these days push their children for a dream or career/college path because that is what they want for them. Who really wants this girl to get into a particular college? Does she want it or is it her parents telling her that is what she wants? Watching the Olympics this week was such a great experience, but there were several mentions of young athletes that were under so much pressure to win a medal. Why is there that much pressure at such a young age? Don't make your dreams, your child's dreams. Encourage them the best that you can to have a worthwhile goal... but make sure it is their goal.
Chris
Oh and Bubbie, I just reread your last post. Supermarkets can teach you the skills for just about any endeavor you are striving for... Financial, human resources, inventory, merchandising, customer service skills (Big one!!) and many more. And most Supermarkets are very involved in charities and it is a great place for a teen to get involved with the community. I know Publix used to be involved in many of the same charities I was in Florida and I know Whole Foods was a part of the Empty Bowls event and Giving Hunger the Blues. I will say again, that working for a supermarket as a teen was invaluable to me especially as an entrepreneur!
Charmaine
Read/listen to Deepak Chopra's "Seven Spiritual Laws of Success."
priceless.
Jan
Well said Chris!
Rose
In general - I would encourage her to work if she wants to. It's great that she has ambition and wants to try new experiences. Her parents just need to lay down some ground rules - for example limiting the number of hours she works, how late she works, and with the understanding that if her grades suffer she'll have to quit or cut back on her hours.
Chris
Maureen, maybe you can shed some light on rules for employers for hiring 16 yr olds as well. It has been awhile for me as I sold my business down there years ago, but there are laws for hiring teens, max hours and lateness, type of work, etc.
DearBubbie:
The girl desperately wants to go to UF. School is just sooo much harder than when I was in school It's much more time-consuming. My experience (way back when) was that I didn't have TIME for a 'real' part-time job. I was so busy with band! Summer is a great time for a kid to get their feet wet with employment and if this kid's goal IS COLLEGE - ... then I'd advise her to get a job or INTERN in an area that she really wants to learn more about.
DearBubbie really nods to ALL of the comments - it shows that while we may have different approaches to a kid working, everyone has the kids' BEST INTEREST in mind. It seems the consensus (and I think it's a good one) is if the kid wants to work, let her work but keep an eye on grades, hours and who her new work friends may be.
I'm not a Mom. I definitely would want to make sure my kid had some downtime and fun. I'd consider school their FULL-TIME JOB. You're only young once!
Maureen
there are definitive rules at where I work reguarding minors
A brief overview but not everything...
no more than 27 hr a week
no more than 4 hours on the clock before a off the clock lunch period ... See More
no working past 10pm on a school night
no working more tnan 7.5 hr on a day before school
Alisa
My daughter, Erika will be my example. She has worked since she was 15, with my blessing. Since grade 11, she held two positions of employment, which has continued to be her pattern to this day. She is currently in university, studying chemistry - after taking both paramedics and culinary arts. She is now 24. She left a $50,000 a year at the VON to go to university, but still keeps a part time position there and at the hotel chain. She wishes to become a dietician to combine her love of science and food.
Not only did her grades not suffer by working while in school but she: graduated on the honour roll from high school, got awards in science and math, completed a winter survival training program offered through the high school and was the top fundraiser for the school in her final year. Oh, and in there, she endured emergency surgery at 16, where they opened up her chest to remove a massive cyst from her entire chest cavity and throat. She was off school for months that year.
Erika got into every post secondary program, each quite challenging in their own right, that she ever wanted to take. One of the things they liked about her was her focus on her goals. It improved her ability to get into those programs because she proved she could handle challenges and be successful.
This summer, she is off to South America, on a humanitarian mission to the Amazon. She will build schools, wells, play and teach children English for two weeks. Instead of baking on a beach during her summer break, she is hauling a backpack into the jungle and is spending her time helping others. Her medical training from paramedics will no doubt come in handy. (Am I nervous? Damn right, I am but I admire her incredibly for being so brave and strong.)
Don’t sell this young woman short. If she is a good student and a generally good kid with a head on her shoulders, why not let her try it on for size? First, she has to go through the application process and acquire the job; a good experience to have. Yes, she gets to socialize a bit at work but, she has a job to do and responsibilities to the employer. Let them teach her the consequences, if she doesn’t do her job. ... See More
The reality of working may not appeal to her once she actually starts doing it. Sixteen year olds sure love their girlfriends and a social circle and don’t forget the parties she will miss out on! Maybe the pay cheque will make her want to be very responsible because, like Erika, there were things she wanted that we would or could not provide. Working part time allowed her to have her hearts desires, usually clothes! LOL
As parents, you set boundaries around the daughter and the job taking – hours, grades, social activities, attitude, savings vs. spending…. Giving her the opportunity to make some independent decisions now regarding her life, that are positive – like working – will boost her self-esteem and confidence. She may even be like my daughter, determined to be sure the rope I gave her to hang herself in the beginning, never gets tight.
Chris
Well said Alisa! I really believe in working as a teen. So many adults look for work after college with no work ethics, goals or personal skills. It amazes me that so many kids get everything handed to them. Bravo for giving your daughter that rope! Good luck to her in the Amazon! Very exciting!!
Chris
And I know that many kids do have great work ethics from college work, so don't take that as an insult to all kids fresh out of college. I just believe that working helps. And like Julie says, it does not have to be a paying job. It can be an internship or a volunteer job. Most employers take volunteer work into consideration!
Alisa
Thanks, Chris....I hung myself too many times in my youth. Nice to see the apple fell far from this tree! LOL
Erika
Okay, I know I'm a little late... But here's a view from me :)
I worked (as my mother knows) at two different places while in high school (Lenny's Sub Shop and Coldstone) while putting in a few hours every once in a while at my mothers work. I don't think that my school work was ever compromised. Wherever you work there are going to be other teens ... See Morethat are involved in the wrong type of things.... but it's what you make of yourself, not what others make you do or force you to do. If you remain strong, you will succeed.
Rebecca Prozzo
As a teacher I see many of my students at Publix, I have to be honest. Their hours stink. They go straight to work by 4 and aren't getting off til 9 or 10. These are not students making the high grades. Be sure of that! Granted, there are exceptions. Monitor their work hours and ASK TO SEE THEIR work! :))
DearBubbie
Thanks, Rebecca. I just talked with a woman who went to Princton. Did she work? "Yes, I interned for my Dad." Did she think she would work AND go to a good school? "No."
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Her Boyfriend Doesn't Like her Kids!
From the DearBubbie@Yahoo.com Mailbox: "I've been dating a man for over two years. I've never felt this way before and neither has he (we're in our late 30's); But, he isn't connecting to my kids. He says they're 'great', but there is no bonding and no support. Everythiing else is great. I don't know what to do. There could be problems... in the future, because I really did want a man to love my kids. .
Signed, Should We End It?"
These comments come from our DearBubbie Facebook Page. Of course we'd love to hear from you, too!
Lyn
If he isn't there for your children, is there really a future in this relationship? You might still date him, but I think I'd keep my eyes open for someone who does relate to the children and would bond with them and more. But that's just mho. Good luck!
Chris
How old are the kids? And how do they feel about bonding with another man that is not their Father? Bonding with a child can be tough even when you want to with all of your heart. And what do you mean by "there is no support?"
Richard
I suppose the "thinning of the herd" principle does not apply. Cats (and Rex) will always be there in a pinch...
DearBubbie
I'm so sorry to leave out the kids ages. I edit A TON to fit in the word limit. Two nine-year old boys and one six-year old girl. They do sports, but he'll opt out of watching them and leave that to Mother (even though he does sports himself). He picks and chooses - rather than really being a part of the brood.
Janet Bishop Castro
His actions indicate what kind of step father he would be. He is not only NOT supportive of the kids...he is not supportive of the mother. If he won't become part of the family, he will always be an outsider, and that won't work.
Chris Mucklow Meyer
I think at such a young age that the Mother really needs to be concerned about finding someone that can bond better with the kids. But even at that young age the kids could be giving off vibes that they don't want him around and maybe he is respecting that. Has she been on her own for long? The state offers an excellent class on dealing with ... See Morechildren of a divorce. When my husband divorced, I found it absolutely necessary to attend that class with him, so I could try to relate to what his 17 yr old daughter was going through. Her future step Dad did not. And even though she has not bonded with either step parent at least I can relate and empathize with what she was going through. Boys and girls handle divorce differently and the ages have different reaction levels as well. See if she can get the boyfriend to attend a class like this. It is a few hours, one night. If he shows no interest, that can be important. He may have no intention of ever wanting to bond. And maybe he just doesn't know what to do. Has she actually brought up her concern to him? Some men are just awkward around kids. Doesn't mean they don't love them any less. This is a tough subject because we don't know all of the details. Meeting a future spouse with children has a lot of issues to tackle. You need a very loving and understanding partner. If he is not those two things, I would move on!
The Follow-UPFOLLOW-UP From the Mailbox: "It is so hard to find the right person. He is RIGHT in every way, but to be honest...it's like I'm dealing with another child who wants attention. Sometimes I feel like he resents the attention I give to my kids, even though he thinks I'm a great mother. He's everything, but the ONE thing.... . .will this change over time?"
Janet
Have to laugh. I had one like that. He actually got upset when I bought sweat bands for my daughter (she had taken up racquetball), and didn't pick up anything for him! Notice the word 'h-a-d'.
Karis
Oooo.....more information. Okay, not likely that he will change pouting for the attention, especially if he's in his late 30s. Those are personality traits that are probably pretty firmly ingrained. My ex-husband pouted too. Notice the word "e-x".Funny Janet! Did I marry your ex?
DearBubbie
Marriage makes problems worse - not better. When someone didn't connect with my dog, they were out the door. And my dog tested my dates. I didn't care WHO they were. Yes, I was wrong - I was SINGLE for FOREVER as a result. Now I have someone who LOVED my dogs, barks and all. I desperately wanted to bond with my husband's kids - but they were ... See Morereally too different. (In example, DearBubbie is girly-girl; his 19-year old daughter wanted a BB gun and a knife for Xmas). BubbyHubby feels that his kids were part of his PAST life that I didn't choose - so it's up to me if I wanted to be a part of it or not. However, he didn't have custody. I think if any man makes you feel badly about having kids - or you start thinking things would be different if you didn't have the kids, I'd get rid of him quickly. Having kids was probably the best thing you've ever done and being a great Mom is a priority. If the man in your life doesn't 'get that' and love you for that, it's time to let go. The RIGHT person for you and your kids is out there. It just can't be the right person for you. . . Karis - it is amazing the tight bond that you helped created between all your kids. I was always surprised to hear you say you had five kids - when I knew you biologically had three. That is wonderful This guy has no kids - I think she needs to move on - unless he has some kind of breakthrough.
Rebecca
Caution: You want a partner, not competition for your children. Does he not come to their events because they are the center of attention, and not him? Is he uncomfortable in those situations and somehow finds a way to bring the attention back to him by moping, withdrawing, passively getting angry, finding something else to do and only being there... See More for things on his terms - regardless of your feelngs? After two years, if there were going to be the connection you want for them, there would be one already. The kids are only going to become more self-centered and demanding as they get out of the "cute" stage that yours are in. If he can't take it now, how will he take it then? Does he realize how important this is to you? If he does, he's either incapable or unwilling. Is either one something you can live with?
DearBubbie
Janet - I always NOD with your comments. You're an excellent Bubbie contributor.
Janet I've made alot of mistakes. LOL Still make some, but not the same ones.
Karis Janet ~ learning from our past mistakes is an empowering feeling, isn't it? Now ~ if we could just eliminate them altogether!
Sarah Cross
sounds like she has much more insight into whats going on than she gives herself credit for. If He is competing for attention than he isn't someone I'd want around my kids.
DearBubbie
Nodding, nodding Rebecca and Sarah. Key here also is - he probably won't change. And also what Rebecca said - when they're out of their cute stage, things will probably get worse. I think she's hoping he will change. . .
Janet Something many of we women often think we can do, and try to do-change things/people. the nurturing part of our spirit is to want to make everything better...kiss the boo-boos away.
David
It is never good when your hopeful and dream man, competes for attention with your children and others. And in his late 30's...not good at all. He is set in his ways, granted some people can change. But I gather that he is used to being pampered, and being number one. Honey find a real man and one that can be a great addition to your household, instead of a deterrent.
Tatiana AGREED!! If he resents the attention you give your children, he should be OUT THE DOOR! TRUST me, I know what I'm talking about on this one....I had a very bad experience with my daughter with a bad boyfriend. Enough said.
Michael Even if it could change (which I personally doubt), it wouldn't happen fast enough.Keep looking.
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Karis
Wow ~ this one is a toughie. We always want our mates to love our children. That's human nature. They are young enough, but if they have a strong relationship with their own father (which wasn't mentioned), may not be emotionally mature enough to separate the two. As for the boyfriend...he's dating a woman with kids and as such, it would be nice to be a part of the "brood"...he kind of signed on for it by dating a woman with kids. That being said, it takes time from all parties to build solid and trusting relationships...especially with young children who may not trust their environment and subconsciously not wanting to get hurt.And...dating and living together are also entirely different animals. If this couple decides to live together the dynamics will change. It is not this mans responsibility to support the activities of the children ~ sure, it would be nice, but he has a life outside of the "brood" ~ mom does not.I blended my young children with a man and his 2 children many years ago (our daughters were only 3 when we met). My children had/have a wonderful relationship with their own father and no need to look elsewhere for a father figure. The same was true of my step-children. When we moved in together, our dynamics changed and we were BOTH more physically supportive of the schedules that needed to be kept. We both shuttled each others kids around, though I did much more so than he. I think that's just me as a mom. I didn't complain and looked at the time as an opportunity to bond with all the kids.... See MoreThe relationships that were formed were all different and always evolved. I was closer with his children than he ever was with mine. I knew he cared about them, but I never insisted that he love or support them. I did insist he love and support me, as his spouse.We have now been divorced for 5 years. The relationships that remain intact are the most beautiful. Our collective 5 now-adult children remain best friends and all live within 10 minutes walking distance of one another. They never refer to one another as step-brother, or step-sister. That is the silver lining that was my cloud of divorce.Sorry for the long post Bubbie. This one hit a few chords :-)
Chris
That is great Karis!
Karis
Chris ~ they are all amazing kids. And I forgot to mention that I remain in constant contact with my step-children. I can't say the same for my ex-husband with my children. He does see them occasionally, but only if they happen to be with his kids.My step-son has his mother and I listed as his "parents" on FB, omitting his dad. Speaks volumes, in the end. When I'm asked how many children I have my response has always been "5". I never divorced the kids and take great pride in my part in raising them...ALL!!... See MoreTough topic all the way around.
Sarah How about before we damn the man and tell the gal to pitch in the towel - They plan a outing together. A Camping Trip would be perfect. This is not only a bonding opprotunity it is a situation he can't opt out of. Once you got him out there he will be forced to work with the kids/family as a whole. It could be eye opening. I say a 2 day camping ... See Moretrip to a place where they have some fun activities would be great - like canoeing etc. Sometimes its hard to bond with other people's kids, that doesn't mean the guy doesn't care... maybe he just needs that break through moment.
Rebecca
Interesting topic. With kids of that age, there is going to be a long time that this guy would be a father figure. You have to make sure you make the right choice for you and for them and realize that you are making a decision for those kids that they have no choice in. If he is not going to attach after two years, then he's not going to. He's ... See Morenot concerned with helping the kids through the adjustment that they are going through. C'mon. He's had more than ample opportunity and he obviously realizes that it is difficult for you. If he's not willing to get outside of himself and do his best for you and for those kids, he doesn't have it in him for whatever reason. Either decide that your choice for you is more important than the right choice for your kids, or send him packing and wish him well. Your children deserve an engaged step-father and if he hasn't given it his best in 2 years' time, he won't and you'll be stuck for the rest of your life trying to force your picture of a happy family when you just chose the wrong guy. I have 3 boys and there are plenty of men willing to give it their whole heart - it's a matter of which one is right for them, and for you, because it can't be just you, and it can't be just them. Don't settle for less just to keep the companionship of a man who doesn't fulfill one of the biggest desires of a woman - a loving, engaged family. You will never be happy with such big part of your heart unsatisfied.
Karis
Sarah ~ I think that is a stellar idea. Camping wouldn't be my "personal" choice unless it was a B&B campground ;-) ... but an excursion for a couple of days of some kind. You do bring up a good point for the guy as well. As I said, it all takes time.
Janet I am in full agreement with Rebecca. Two years is plenty of time for things to happen naturally. Don't believe in 'forcing' a relationship, which all of the mentioned bonding exercises/lessons suggest.
Sarah
when I was Young day to day life was not enough to bond me and my step father. We damn near hated eachother - but as I matured and we were forced through DIFFICULT situations together we bonded. We are VERY VERY close now. These kids are young and may be giveing off the "you aren't my daddy" vibes. Good Luck to the Gal making the decisions!
Michelle
Would he ever be the kind of father you would admire? What does all of this predict about the kind of step-parent he will be to your children? Has he ever participated in parenting workshops? Most importantly, Is he even open to talking about any of this, or does he just turn a deaf ear? Sorry, but it sounds to me like you have reached make-it-or-break-it time...
Chris Mucklow Meyer
Sarah hit the nail on the head. Kids can really send the signal to go away! It takes a strong person to love them anyway. Her step dad was probably a very strong person and a good man. I hope those traits work out for me in the end with my step daughter. I only wish I had had the chance with her when she was a very young child, not at 17 yrs ... See Moreold. My husband have talked about adopting from the Foster care system here in Kentucky. And boy don't I know that it will most likely be very rocky and heart breaking at times. (Maybe you could address that topic another day Bubbie!)Communication is key between this woman and man she is dating. He has to be all for it. If she is not openly asking him, she may come to find out that he may not ever really be interested in being a family. Then, the ball is all in her court.
Chris Mucklow Meyer
Karis. Your story is wonderful. My ex that I lived with for several years has a daughter the same age as me. We are still very close friends and I love her children like they were my own family. Her husband and I also chat on the phone if he happens to answer. I also keep in touch with my ex's, ex wife, who is a wonderful Mother and ... See MoreGrandmother! My ex was very selfish with his time and I made the effort to spend more time with his family and Grandchildren than he did. Some men do NOT outgrow the attention needing stage. So Bubbie, tell this woman that is asking for advice, that I found that if a man is not interested in giving up "his" time, he will not share his time better with age!!!!
David Wood
After 2 years into the relationship and still no bonding with your children, as young as they are. Something is not right, over the years I have dated women with very young to teenage children. I never had a problem bonding, no matter how young or old. He needs to find a common interest they can all be comfortable with. Does he scold the children when your not around? Does he try to take an interest in each one, and do fun things with them? If not I would think about moving on.
Karis
Interesting twist to my blended family story Chris...my first husband (father of my children) and my step-children (from my second husband) are also VERY close. He also accepted them as HIS own because of the relationship they had with our children. This past Christmas at the dinner table was: My first husband, his partner, myself and my 5 children. Interesting choice of where to spend Christmas evening for my step-children I would say. Again, very telling. (Do you need a flow-chart?) :-)
David
My first wife had a 3 month old son when I met her, I raised him as my own for 17 years even after she left he lived with me. To this day he calls me dad because we bonded so well, and I consider his boys as my grand-sons. Didn't mead to get off the topic.
Chris
Karis, I am following that flow chart just fine. We had many Christmas/Thanksgiving dinners like that. I offered to hold the dinner at our home once because there would be so many guests crammed into Grandma's little condo. My ex blew his stack! He did not want his own Grandchildren running around the house... they could break something. I ... See Morejust couldn't believe what I was hearing. I guess he thought his "things" were more precious than the family gathering. It would not have been a problem on my part to put such said "things" out of the reach of little fingers! Again, it boils down to the importance of family.
Fri at 11:08am · · Report
Karis
David ~ I think any of the "off topic" experiences may assist this woman. Collectively many of us have dealt with similar circumstances. What screams out loud and clear to me is this: 1) People don't change, not all that much; 2) A needy person is a needy person, putting their needs above all others...a mother of young children that has her ... See Morepriorities set to be those of her children should not have to give into the needs of late-30-something adult male; and 3) It sounds as though this woman, who cares for this man a great deal, also cares for the well-being of her children. It doesn't sound like this man fits the "full package" bill that both she and her kids deserve.Time to start fresh...
Judy
End it. Period.
Chris
David, my real father died before I was born and my Mom and Dad married when I was a toddler. He adopted me and raised me as his own. My Grandparents that live with me now that I care for, are not "blood" related but they always treated me as real Grandparents. I always love it when someone tells me I look like my Dad or my Grandmother. We all ... See Morejust smile. My Mother was very lucky to have found someone willing to take on a toddler and a woman that had a horrific experience finding her new husband dead. Mom was only 18 yrs old when this happened. She did not even know she was pregnant yet. Big undertaking for a man in his early twenties. My parents are still married.
Judy
My step father didn't try to be my dad but he did charm me in other ways and still does to this day. I made sure he was a huge part of my wedding day too. He's loved and taken great care of my mother for 28 years and now he's all of the sudden having to have chemo treatments three weeks a month. My dad's gone three years now and he's been even ... See Moremore of a dad than my "own" dad was. I think I'll start calling him dad now. Just thought of that. I think he'll like it during his final days with us.
Rebecca
All great posts... I wonder, if he hears her needs and it remains unresolved, he's jealous of her attention towards the kids, if he puts himself to the side of the biggest part his lady's life because it doesn't revolve around him, might there be a thread of self-centeredness and lack of empathy in other parts of their relationship? Maybe, if you look closely? If you really want to, that is? We all see what we want to see until we're ready to see it with honest eyes.
Rebecca
Judy, great story of love for your mother, and in turn, love for her children. Wow. I think calling him Dad would be an incredible gift...because, in fact, it sounds like he's been one without the name. My heart is with you during a very diffcult time for him and for the people that love him.
Rocco
As a man who has dated ladies with children who never has trouble connecting because I am "Made To Entertain Children", as I have been told, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he needs to find some kind of common ground with them to build from. Sports, cartoons, kids movies, school, ..... SOMETHING.... and then he needs to interact ... See Morewith them in a solo capacity without your influence for an hour or two at a time... not much more... not much less.... THEN if it doesnt' work out with them kick him to the curb.. nicely, of course... RAT
Chris
Ah, Rocco, I knew you would like this page. A bunch of writers with opinions... you will fit right in! I can attest that Rocco is made to entertain children!The only worry I would have with any man I am dating taking my kids solo, would be a trust issue these days. Do your background checks ladies. And be careful that their Dad does not have ... See Morea major problem with this idea. Rocco, how would you feel about your daughter spending solo time with your ex's "new" boyfriend? And how would you handle it?
Rose
If this man isn't connecting with your children now, he probably never will. Unfortunately, if he isn't connecting with your children, he's not really connecting with you either.
Rebecca
Rose! Concise and so right. Wish I could write like that!
DearBubbie
Don't you hate it when someone says something in two sentences that takes you a page and a half to write?!? Way to go, Rose. Incredibly -there are exceptions. . .I tried connecting with my husband's kids - but they simply don't want to connect. Fortunately, my husband never blamed me, but kind of saw his kids in a different light. But I digress. ..
DearBubbie
Judy - thank you so much for sharing that. You and Chris have great Dads. Your Moms did good by you. .
Chris
Yes, sometimes I even need to remind my Mom! Thanks Jules!
Rose
Thank you for the compliments :-)
Maria
You'll eventually wind up fighting. Your children are a part of you forever. There will be growing problems as the kids develop and become teens. They will need a father figure. Sounds like this person won't be there for them, so he will be no partner to you. Save yourself heartache, end it now!
Signed, Should We End It?"
These comments come from our DearBubbie Facebook Page. Of course we'd love to hear from you, too!
Lyn
If he isn't there for your children, is there really a future in this relationship? You might still date him, but I think I'd keep my eyes open for someone who does relate to the children and would bond with them and more. But that's just mho. Good luck!
Chris
How old are the kids? And how do they feel about bonding with another man that is not their Father? Bonding with a child can be tough even when you want to with all of your heart. And what do you mean by "there is no support?"
Richard
I suppose the "thinning of the herd" principle does not apply. Cats (and Rex) will always be there in a pinch...
DearBubbie
I'm so sorry to leave out the kids ages. I edit A TON to fit in the word limit. Two nine-year old boys and one six-year old girl. They do sports, but he'll opt out of watching them and leave that to Mother (even though he does sports himself). He picks and chooses - rather than really being a part of the brood.
Janet Bishop Castro
His actions indicate what kind of step father he would be. He is not only NOT supportive of the kids...he is not supportive of the mother. If he won't become part of the family, he will always be an outsider, and that won't work.
Chris Mucklow Meyer
I think at such a young age that the Mother really needs to be concerned about finding someone that can bond better with the kids. But even at that young age the kids could be giving off vibes that they don't want him around and maybe he is respecting that. Has she been on her own for long? The state offers an excellent class on dealing with ... See Morechildren of a divorce. When my husband divorced, I found it absolutely necessary to attend that class with him, so I could try to relate to what his 17 yr old daughter was going through. Her future step Dad did not. And even though she has not bonded with either step parent at least I can relate and empathize with what she was going through. Boys and girls handle divorce differently and the ages have different reaction levels as well. See if she can get the boyfriend to attend a class like this. It is a few hours, one night. If he shows no interest, that can be important. He may have no intention of ever wanting to bond. And maybe he just doesn't know what to do. Has she actually brought up her concern to him? Some men are just awkward around kids. Doesn't mean they don't love them any less. This is a tough subject because we don't know all of the details. Meeting a future spouse with children has a lot of issues to tackle. You need a very loving and understanding partner. If he is not those two things, I would move on!
The Follow-UPFOLLOW-UP From the Mailbox: "It is so hard to find the right person. He is RIGHT in every way, but to be honest...it's like I'm dealing with another child who wants attention. Sometimes I feel like he resents the attention I give to my kids, even though he thinks I'm a great mother. He's everything, but the ONE thing.... . .will this change over time?"
Janet
Have to laugh. I had one like that. He actually got upset when I bought sweat bands for my daughter (she had taken up racquetball), and didn't pick up anything for him! Notice the word 'h-a-d'.
Karis
Oooo.....more information. Okay, not likely that he will change pouting for the attention, especially if he's in his late 30s. Those are personality traits that are probably pretty firmly ingrained. My ex-husband pouted too. Notice the word "e-x".Funny Janet! Did I marry your ex?
DearBubbie
Marriage makes problems worse - not better. When someone didn't connect with my dog, they were out the door. And my dog tested my dates. I didn't care WHO they were. Yes, I was wrong - I was SINGLE for FOREVER as a result. Now I have someone who LOVED my dogs, barks and all. I desperately wanted to bond with my husband's kids - but they were ... See Morereally too different. (In example, DearBubbie is girly-girl; his 19-year old daughter wanted a BB gun and a knife for Xmas). BubbyHubby feels that his kids were part of his PAST life that I didn't choose - so it's up to me if I wanted to be a part of it or not. However, he didn't have custody. I think if any man makes you feel badly about having kids - or you start thinking things would be different if you didn't have the kids, I'd get rid of him quickly. Having kids was probably the best thing you've ever done and being a great Mom is a priority. If the man in your life doesn't 'get that' and love you for that, it's time to let go. The RIGHT person for you and your kids is out there. It just can't be the right person for you. . . Karis - it is amazing the tight bond that you helped created between all your kids. I was always surprised to hear you say you had five kids - when I knew you biologically had three. That is wonderful This guy has no kids - I think she needs to move on - unless he has some kind of breakthrough.
Rebecca
Caution: You want a partner, not competition for your children. Does he not come to their events because they are the center of attention, and not him? Is he uncomfortable in those situations and somehow finds a way to bring the attention back to him by moping, withdrawing, passively getting angry, finding something else to do and only being there... See More for things on his terms - regardless of your feelngs? After two years, if there were going to be the connection you want for them, there would be one already. The kids are only going to become more self-centered and demanding as they get out of the "cute" stage that yours are in. If he can't take it now, how will he take it then? Does he realize how important this is to you? If he does, he's either incapable or unwilling. Is either one something you can live with?
DearBubbie
Janet - I always NOD with your comments. You're an excellent Bubbie contributor.
Janet I've made alot of mistakes. LOL Still make some, but not the same ones.
Karis Janet ~ learning from our past mistakes is an empowering feeling, isn't it? Now ~ if we could just eliminate them altogether!
Sarah Cross
sounds like she has much more insight into whats going on than she gives herself credit for. If He is competing for attention than he isn't someone I'd want around my kids.
DearBubbie
Nodding, nodding Rebecca and Sarah. Key here also is - he probably won't change. And also what Rebecca said - when they're out of their cute stage, things will probably get worse. I think she's hoping he will change. . .
Janet Something many of we women often think we can do, and try to do-change things/people. the nurturing part of our spirit is to want to make everything better...kiss the boo-boos away.
David
It is never good when your hopeful and dream man, competes for attention with your children and others. And in his late 30's...not good at all. He is set in his ways, granted some people can change. But I gather that he is used to being pampered, and being number one. Honey find a real man and one that can be a great addition to your household, instead of a deterrent.
Tatiana AGREED!! If he resents the attention you give your children, he should be OUT THE DOOR! TRUST me, I know what I'm talking about on this one....I had a very bad experience with my daughter with a bad boyfriend. Enough said.
Michael Even if it could change (which I personally doubt), it wouldn't happen fast enough.Keep looking.
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Karis
Wow ~ this one is a toughie. We always want our mates to love our children. That's human nature. They are young enough, but if they have a strong relationship with their own father (which wasn't mentioned), may not be emotionally mature enough to separate the two. As for the boyfriend...he's dating a woman with kids and as such, it would be nice to be a part of the "brood"...he kind of signed on for it by dating a woman with kids. That being said, it takes time from all parties to build solid and trusting relationships...especially with young children who may not trust their environment and subconsciously not wanting to get hurt.And...dating and living together are also entirely different animals. If this couple decides to live together the dynamics will change. It is not this mans responsibility to support the activities of the children ~ sure, it would be nice, but he has a life outside of the "brood" ~ mom does not.I blended my young children with a man and his 2 children many years ago (our daughters were only 3 when we met). My children had/have a wonderful relationship with their own father and no need to look elsewhere for a father figure. The same was true of my step-children. When we moved in together, our dynamics changed and we were BOTH more physically supportive of the schedules that needed to be kept. We both shuttled each others kids around, though I did much more so than he. I think that's just me as a mom. I didn't complain and looked at the time as an opportunity to bond with all the kids.... See MoreThe relationships that were formed were all different and always evolved. I was closer with his children than he ever was with mine. I knew he cared about them, but I never insisted that he love or support them. I did insist he love and support me, as his spouse.We have now been divorced for 5 years. The relationships that remain intact are the most beautiful. Our collective 5 now-adult children remain best friends and all live within 10 minutes walking distance of one another. They never refer to one another as step-brother, or step-sister. That is the silver lining that was my cloud of divorce.Sorry for the long post Bubbie. This one hit a few chords :-)
Chris
That is great Karis!
Karis
Chris ~ they are all amazing kids. And I forgot to mention that I remain in constant contact with my step-children. I can't say the same for my ex-husband with my children. He does see them occasionally, but only if they happen to be with his kids.My step-son has his mother and I listed as his "parents" on FB, omitting his dad. Speaks volumes, in the end. When I'm asked how many children I have my response has always been "5". I never divorced the kids and take great pride in my part in raising them...ALL!!... See MoreTough topic all the way around.
Sarah How about before we damn the man and tell the gal to pitch in the towel - They plan a outing together. A Camping Trip would be perfect. This is not only a bonding opprotunity it is a situation he can't opt out of. Once you got him out there he will be forced to work with the kids/family as a whole. It could be eye opening. I say a 2 day camping ... See Moretrip to a place where they have some fun activities would be great - like canoeing etc. Sometimes its hard to bond with other people's kids, that doesn't mean the guy doesn't care... maybe he just needs that break through moment.
Rebecca
Interesting topic. With kids of that age, there is going to be a long time that this guy would be a father figure. You have to make sure you make the right choice for you and for them and realize that you are making a decision for those kids that they have no choice in. If he is not going to attach after two years, then he's not going to. He's ... See Morenot concerned with helping the kids through the adjustment that they are going through. C'mon. He's had more than ample opportunity and he obviously realizes that it is difficult for you. If he's not willing to get outside of himself and do his best for you and for those kids, he doesn't have it in him for whatever reason. Either decide that your choice for you is more important than the right choice for your kids, or send him packing and wish him well. Your children deserve an engaged step-father and if he hasn't given it his best in 2 years' time, he won't and you'll be stuck for the rest of your life trying to force your picture of a happy family when you just chose the wrong guy. I have 3 boys and there are plenty of men willing to give it their whole heart - it's a matter of which one is right for them, and for you, because it can't be just you, and it can't be just them. Don't settle for less just to keep the companionship of a man who doesn't fulfill one of the biggest desires of a woman - a loving, engaged family. You will never be happy with such big part of your heart unsatisfied.
Karis
Sarah ~ I think that is a stellar idea. Camping wouldn't be my "personal" choice unless it was a B&B campground ;-) ... but an excursion for a couple of days of some kind. You do bring up a good point for the guy as well. As I said, it all takes time.
Janet I am in full agreement with Rebecca. Two years is plenty of time for things to happen naturally. Don't believe in 'forcing' a relationship, which all of the mentioned bonding exercises/lessons suggest.
Sarah
when I was Young day to day life was not enough to bond me and my step father. We damn near hated eachother - but as I matured and we were forced through DIFFICULT situations together we bonded. We are VERY VERY close now. These kids are young and may be giveing off the "you aren't my daddy" vibes. Good Luck to the Gal making the decisions!
Michelle
Would he ever be the kind of father you would admire? What does all of this predict about the kind of step-parent he will be to your children? Has he ever participated in parenting workshops? Most importantly, Is he even open to talking about any of this, or does he just turn a deaf ear? Sorry, but it sounds to me like you have reached make-it-or-break-it time...
Chris Mucklow Meyer
Sarah hit the nail on the head. Kids can really send the signal to go away! It takes a strong person to love them anyway. Her step dad was probably a very strong person and a good man. I hope those traits work out for me in the end with my step daughter. I only wish I had had the chance with her when she was a very young child, not at 17 yrs ... See Moreold. My husband have talked about adopting from the Foster care system here in Kentucky. And boy don't I know that it will most likely be very rocky and heart breaking at times. (Maybe you could address that topic another day Bubbie!)Communication is key between this woman and man she is dating. He has to be all for it. If she is not openly asking him, she may come to find out that he may not ever really be interested in being a family. Then, the ball is all in her court.
Chris Mucklow Meyer
Karis. Your story is wonderful. My ex that I lived with for several years has a daughter the same age as me. We are still very close friends and I love her children like they were my own family. Her husband and I also chat on the phone if he happens to answer. I also keep in touch with my ex's, ex wife, who is a wonderful Mother and ... See MoreGrandmother! My ex was very selfish with his time and I made the effort to spend more time with his family and Grandchildren than he did. Some men do NOT outgrow the attention needing stage. So Bubbie, tell this woman that is asking for advice, that I found that if a man is not interested in giving up "his" time, he will not share his time better with age!!!!
David Wood
After 2 years into the relationship and still no bonding with your children, as young as they are. Something is not right, over the years I have dated women with very young to teenage children. I never had a problem bonding, no matter how young or old. He needs to find a common interest they can all be comfortable with. Does he scold the children when your not around? Does he try to take an interest in each one, and do fun things with them? If not I would think about moving on.
Karis
Interesting twist to my blended family story Chris...my first husband (father of my children) and my step-children (from my second husband) are also VERY close. He also accepted them as HIS own because of the relationship they had with our children. This past Christmas at the dinner table was: My first husband, his partner, myself and my 5 children. Interesting choice of where to spend Christmas evening for my step-children I would say. Again, very telling. (Do you need a flow-chart?) :-)
David
My first wife had a 3 month old son when I met her, I raised him as my own for 17 years even after she left he lived with me. To this day he calls me dad because we bonded so well, and I consider his boys as my grand-sons. Didn't mead to get off the topic.
Chris
Karis, I am following that flow chart just fine. We had many Christmas/Thanksgiving dinners like that. I offered to hold the dinner at our home once because there would be so many guests crammed into Grandma's little condo. My ex blew his stack! He did not want his own Grandchildren running around the house... they could break something. I ... See Morejust couldn't believe what I was hearing. I guess he thought his "things" were more precious than the family gathering. It would not have been a problem on my part to put such said "things" out of the reach of little fingers! Again, it boils down to the importance of family.
Fri at 11:08am · · Report
Karis
David ~ I think any of the "off topic" experiences may assist this woman. Collectively many of us have dealt with similar circumstances. What screams out loud and clear to me is this: 1) People don't change, not all that much; 2) A needy person is a needy person, putting their needs above all others...a mother of young children that has her ... See Morepriorities set to be those of her children should not have to give into the needs of late-30-something adult male; and 3) It sounds as though this woman, who cares for this man a great deal, also cares for the well-being of her children. It doesn't sound like this man fits the "full package" bill that both she and her kids deserve.Time to start fresh...
Judy
End it. Period.
Chris
David, my real father died before I was born and my Mom and Dad married when I was a toddler. He adopted me and raised me as his own. My Grandparents that live with me now that I care for, are not "blood" related but they always treated me as real Grandparents. I always love it when someone tells me I look like my Dad or my Grandmother. We all ... See Morejust smile. My Mother was very lucky to have found someone willing to take on a toddler and a woman that had a horrific experience finding her new husband dead. Mom was only 18 yrs old when this happened. She did not even know she was pregnant yet. Big undertaking for a man in his early twenties. My parents are still married.
Judy
My step father didn't try to be my dad but he did charm me in other ways and still does to this day. I made sure he was a huge part of my wedding day too. He's loved and taken great care of my mother for 28 years and now he's all of the sudden having to have chemo treatments three weeks a month. My dad's gone three years now and he's been even ... See Moremore of a dad than my "own" dad was. I think I'll start calling him dad now. Just thought of that. I think he'll like it during his final days with us.
Rebecca
All great posts... I wonder, if he hears her needs and it remains unresolved, he's jealous of her attention towards the kids, if he puts himself to the side of the biggest part his lady's life because it doesn't revolve around him, might there be a thread of self-centeredness and lack of empathy in other parts of their relationship? Maybe, if you look closely? If you really want to, that is? We all see what we want to see until we're ready to see it with honest eyes.
Rebecca
Judy, great story of love for your mother, and in turn, love for her children. Wow. I think calling him Dad would be an incredible gift...because, in fact, it sounds like he's been one without the name. My heart is with you during a very diffcult time for him and for the people that love him.
Rocco
As a man who has dated ladies with children who never has trouble connecting because I am "Made To Entertain Children", as I have been told, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he needs to find some kind of common ground with them to build from. Sports, cartoons, kids movies, school, ..... SOMETHING.... and then he needs to interact ... See Morewith them in a solo capacity without your influence for an hour or two at a time... not much more... not much less.... THEN if it doesnt' work out with them kick him to the curb.. nicely, of course... RAT
Chris
Ah, Rocco, I knew you would like this page. A bunch of writers with opinions... you will fit right in! I can attest that Rocco is made to entertain children!The only worry I would have with any man I am dating taking my kids solo, would be a trust issue these days. Do your background checks ladies. And be careful that their Dad does not have ... See Morea major problem with this idea. Rocco, how would you feel about your daughter spending solo time with your ex's "new" boyfriend? And how would you handle it?
Rose
If this man isn't connecting with your children now, he probably never will. Unfortunately, if he isn't connecting with your children, he's not really connecting with you either.
Rebecca
Rose! Concise and so right. Wish I could write like that!
DearBubbie
Don't you hate it when someone says something in two sentences that takes you a page and a half to write?!? Way to go, Rose. Incredibly -there are exceptions. . .I tried connecting with my husband's kids - but they simply don't want to connect. Fortunately, my husband never blamed me, but kind of saw his kids in a different light. But I digress. ..
DearBubbie
Judy - thank you so much for sharing that. You and Chris have great Dads. Your Moms did good by you. .
Chris
Yes, sometimes I even need to remind my Mom! Thanks Jules!
Rose
Thank you for the compliments :-)
Maria
You'll eventually wind up fighting. Your children are a part of you forever. There will be growing problems as the kids develop and become teens. They will need a father figure. Sounds like this person won't be there for them, so he will be no partner to you. Save yourself heartache, end it now!
Bar Etiquette - When a Man Wants to Buy A Woman a Drink
From the DearBubbie@Yahoo.com Mailbox: How does a woman handle it when a bartender tells her that a man wants to buy her a drink, but the woman doesn’t want to lead the guy on, when she knows right away he’s not her type.Saying no seems like the most insulting thing you could do, because it means that just by sight you have rejected him. Is there a nice way to appreciate the gesture, and then respectfully decline further conversation?
These comments come from the DearBubbie Facebook Page. We would like your comments as well!
Karis
If you don't want to lead a man on (regardless of the reason...and you don't owe one), simply say "no thank you". If you feel badly about rejecting them, you can always say you're waiting for someone, with someone, married, engaged....all kinds of ways to let someone down easily. But I would think a simple, "no thank you, but I appreciate the kind gesture" would suffice.
DearBubbie
I would give my most grateful looking face and mouth "Thank you so much" with great theatrics...and say somethiing like I don't accept drinks. To take it a step further if he came over, or if you felt you had to go over there - I'd let him know that you're with a girlfriend in need and you are out tonight giving her 100% of your attention - not on the 'prowl' that night. Does that sound good?
Susan
My sister and I were out one night on a business trip in Orlando together. We were sitting in the bar of a nice restaurant, talking, drinking a glass of wine and laughing, waiting for a table. Two nice looking gentlemen sent us over drinks.We were surprised, and flattered, and laughed about how if only they knew what our husbands knew about us, what a handful we can be, that they should run away quickly, cracking each other up as always... They waved and we waved back and thanked them from across the room. They were not rude, although they did look at us for awhile. When they came over to our area, and asked our names (and being sisters, of course we were on the same wavelength, which just shouldn't surprise us after all these years) - We both replied simultaneously "Mrs. Mitchell / Mrs. Kruse"... It was a good thing that these guys had class, and a sense of humor, which was refreshing (of course they probably both had wives as well). They laughed along with us, complimented us on our beauty, how lucky our husbands are, and returned to their seats. We could not stop laughing, and I must say that we felt pretty special too! There were no hard feelings, we enjoyed our extra glass of wine (which made us crack up even more), and all was well....
Maureen
either way ladies BE CAREFUL... if you except the drink make sure that the bartender hands it to you and not the guy. you never know if it has been tampered with if it comes form any other hands but the bartender!
Chris
It has been way too long to comment on this. I was never one for hanging out in bars, even with friends. In Sarasota, once in awhile I would go to the Gator Club to hear my friend Scott's band Chameleon. If anyone made me uncomfortable, I would just say I was there to see him. I never trusted a man that was searching for a date at a bar. And Maureen, excellent point. I know someone that had a drink tampered with a few years back. That is a real concern, not just made up stories on TV!
Michael
I think a real gentleman would lead the way here. Buying a woman a drink might be an ice breaker, but it is no more an invitation to stay and talk than dialing someone's phone number ensures they'll be able to chat for hours on end. A good man buys the drink, drops by to introduce himself and takes the woman's lead in whether she wants to carry on. If it's clear she's not interested, and she should be clear but polite, he should wish her a good night and move on.... It's like dropping a hook in the water. One shouldn't make more of it than that. Man or woman.
David
It's been a long time since I've been in a bar. But I feel it depends on how the "NO" is said. A simple Thanks but No Thanks should be sufficient. I however like to dance, and will ask to dance and take it from there.
David
When I've been out with my daughter, men try picking her up and she says watch this... Then she replies to them She's Gay. The looks on their face is priceless.
Chris
That's cute david! Your daughter has your sense of humor?
David
Yes she does.
Sarah
I never look a gift horse in the mouth but Neither Do I have to to ride it home.
Sat at 2:25pm · · Report
Chris
great quote Sarah!
Janet
I'm with what Sarah and Susan say.....
Peter
From the man's point of view, offering to buy a lady a drink is a "safe" way to express interest. Doesn't cost anything if she declines, either financially or emotionally - at least less emotional cost than the embarrasment of trying to strike up a conversation face to face and getting the cold shoulder or an abrupt brush off. Since he's ... See Morekindly disposed towards the girl, but carefully hedging his own bets, a "thanks but no thanks" as David suggests iis a perfectly proportional response - and if you are kindly disposed to the gesture, perhaps a pleasant smile or lift of your glass in his general direction would be classy. By the way, I slightly disagree with DearBubbie - you don't owe him an excuse like "I'm here for my girlfriend, I'm not on the prowl tonight". This is implicitly saying maybe I'd be interested at another time, and may provide him with unintended encouragement to prolong the conversation - "What's your girlfriend's problem, where is she anyway, do you come here often to prowl..."
These comments come from the DearBubbie Facebook Page. We would like your comments as well!
Karis
If you don't want to lead a man on (regardless of the reason...and you don't owe one), simply say "no thank you". If you feel badly about rejecting them, you can always say you're waiting for someone, with someone, married, engaged....all kinds of ways to let someone down easily. But I would think a simple, "no thank you, but I appreciate the kind gesture" would suffice.
DearBubbie
I would give my most grateful looking face and mouth "Thank you so much" with great theatrics...and say somethiing like I don't accept drinks. To take it a step further if he came over, or if you felt you had to go over there - I'd let him know that you're with a girlfriend in need and you are out tonight giving her 100% of your attention - not on the 'prowl' that night. Does that sound good?
Susan
My sister and I were out one night on a business trip in Orlando together. We were sitting in the bar of a nice restaurant, talking, drinking a glass of wine and laughing, waiting for a table. Two nice looking gentlemen sent us over drinks.We were surprised, and flattered, and laughed about how if only they knew what our husbands knew about us, what a handful we can be, that they should run away quickly, cracking each other up as always... They waved and we waved back and thanked them from across the room. They were not rude, although they did look at us for awhile. When they came over to our area, and asked our names (and being sisters, of course we were on the same wavelength, which just shouldn't surprise us after all these years) - We both replied simultaneously "Mrs. Mitchell / Mrs. Kruse"... It was a good thing that these guys had class, and a sense of humor, which was refreshing (of course they probably both had wives as well). They laughed along with us, complimented us on our beauty, how lucky our husbands are, and returned to their seats. We could not stop laughing, and I must say that we felt pretty special too! There were no hard feelings, we enjoyed our extra glass of wine (which made us crack up even more), and all was well....
Maureen
either way ladies BE CAREFUL... if you except the drink make sure that the bartender hands it to you and not the guy. you never know if it has been tampered with if it comes form any other hands but the bartender!
Chris
It has been way too long to comment on this. I was never one for hanging out in bars, even with friends. In Sarasota, once in awhile I would go to the Gator Club to hear my friend Scott's band Chameleon. If anyone made me uncomfortable, I would just say I was there to see him. I never trusted a man that was searching for a date at a bar. And Maureen, excellent point. I know someone that had a drink tampered with a few years back. That is a real concern, not just made up stories on TV!
Michael
I think a real gentleman would lead the way here. Buying a woman a drink might be an ice breaker, but it is no more an invitation to stay and talk than dialing someone's phone number ensures they'll be able to chat for hours on end. A good man buys the drink, drops by to introduce himself and takes the woman's lead in whether she wants to carry on. If it's clear she's not interested, and she should be clear but polite, he should wish her a good night and move on.... It's like dropping a hook in the water. One shouldn't make more of it than that. Man or woman.
David
It's been a long time since I've been in a bar. But I feel it depends on how the "NO" is said. A simple Thanks but No Thanks should be sufficient. I however like to dance, and will ask to dance and take it from there.
David
When I've been out with my daughter, men try picking her up and she says watch this... Then she replies to them She's Gay. The looks on their face is priceless.
Chris
That's cute david! Your daughter has your sense of humor?
David
Yes she does.
Sarah
I never look a gift horse in the mouth but Neither Do I have to to ride it home.
Sat at 2:25pm · · Report
Chris
great quote Sarah!
Janet
I'm with what Sarah and Susan say.....
Peter
From the man's point of view, offering to buy a lady a drink is a "safe" way to express interest. Doesn't cost anything if she declines, either financially or emotionally - at least less emotional cost than the embarrasment of trying to strike up a conversation face to face and getting the cold shoulder or an abrupt brush off. Since he's ... See Morekindly disposed towards the girl, but carefully hedging his own bets, a "thanks but no thanks" as David suggests iis a perfectly proportional response - and if you are kindly disposed to the gesture, perhaps a pleasant smile or lift of your glass in his general direction would be classy. By the way, I slightly disagree with DearBubbie - you don't owe him an excuse like "I'm here for my girlfriend, I'm not on the prowl tonight". This is implicitly saying maybe I'd be interested at another time, and may provide him with unintended encouragement to prolong the conversation - "What's your girlfriend's problem, where is she anyway, do you come here often to prowl..."
Monday, January 25, 2010
From our DearBubbie@yahoo.com mailbox. . We would love your comments. And if you have an anonymous question for the Bubbies, just e-mail us. .
Dear Bubbie,
I just got off a five-year on & off relationship with an older man. Well, it had been over for awhile. I've dated a little bit, but now just recently am getting serious over a 29 year old man. He told me he was 36, but I found out differently. Bubbie, I'm a youngish 47. What is too young? I don't ...want to get hurt again. Love, A true Cougar
Dear Cougar,
This is kind of a no-brainer for DearBubbie. It is very flattering to get the attention of a younger man. And this is when you need it the most. It's true that women also go through mid-life crises'. DearBubbie says to watch for red flags whenever a relationship starts with a lie. I don't get WHY people begin a relationship with a lie about ... See Moretheir age. But that 's another question for another time. Basically, Cougar, he doesn't have your same life experiences. Unless you enjoy being in the teacher role and not getting the depth of understanding from someone who has LIVED their life - then it could work. A younger man is appealing after being with an older man - I would think, for physical and energy-level reasons. Keep your eyes and head open for what YOU NEED in a relationship. The "right one" will fill your important needs. Finally, think of life DOWN the road when you're much older and he's still youngish and good-looking. How will you feel if people think you're his mother??
And a reply from one of our Bubbies on the DearBubbie Facebook page. . .
Janet
Ditto to DearBubbie. If he lied in the introductory phase (his age), then what else is he going to lie about?It is obvious that HE feels uncomfortable with the age difference, or he would not have lied. You seem to feel uncomfortable with it, too, or you would not have voiced your concern. What is the purpose of the relationship? Is it just for fun, or to grow with each other into something more serious? Age difference aside, I don't see how it can become a serious thing, because of the lie, and the fact that both of you are uncomfortable with the age thing.Many men take younger women, and there should not be a double standard, but you have to ask yourself...What do I want out of this? What does HE want out of this? If it's a mutual understanding.....
Dear Bubbie,
I just got off a five-year on & off relationship with an older man. Well, it had been over for awhile. I've dated a little bit, but now just recently am getting serious over a 29 year old man. He told me he was 36, but I found out differently. Bubbie, I'm a youngish 47. What is too young? I don't ...want to get hurt again. Love, A true Cougar
Dear Cougar,
This is kind of a no-brainer for DearBubbie. It is very flattering to get the attention of a younger man. And this is when you need it the most. It's true that women also go through mid-life crises'. DearBubbie says to watch for red flags whenever a relationship starts with a lie. I don't get WHY people begin a relationship with a lie about ... See Moretheir age. But that 's another question for another time. Basically, Cougar, he doesn't have your same life experiences. Unless you enjoy being in the teacher role and not getting the depth of understanding from someone who has LIVED their life - then it could work. A younger man is appealing after being with an older man - I would think, for physical and energy-level reasons. Keep your eyes and head open for what YOU NEED in a relationship. The "right one" will fill your important needs. Finally, think of life DOWN the road when you're much older and he's still youngish and good-looking. How will you feel if people think you're his mother??
And a reply from one of our Bubbies on the DearBubbie Facebook page. . .
Janet
Ditto to DearBubbie. If he lied in the introductory phase (his age), then what else is he going to lie about?It is obvious that HE feels uncomfortable with the age difference, or he would not have lied. You seem to feel uncomfortable with it, too, or you would not have voiced your concern. What is the purpose of the relationship? Is it just for fun, or to grow with each other into something more serious? Age difference aside, I don't see how it can become a serious thing, because of the lie, and the fact that both of you are uncomfortable with the age thing.Many men take younger women, and there should not be a double standard, but you have to ask yourself...What do I want out of this? What does HE want out of this? If it's a mutual understanding.....
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Don't Worry, Be Happy
Sometimes there's a lot to be said for denial when it comes to our worries. That's not to say we should buy a new flat screen TV for our bathrooms when we can barely afford the toilet paper. I'm merely trying to get across that if worrying isn't going to change the outcome (and it never does, does it?), then move onto a 'more fun' time-waster - like Facebook or a Sudoku puzzle.
I'd worry more about worrying because the stress can kill you.
Sadly, one thing out of control is the health and welfare of our loved ones. This ranked high on our DearBubbie Facebook page as one of our greatest concerns. My Mother always says life is "geschrieben". Our destinies are written in the stars. I suppose if one truly believed it's out of their control anyway, a lot of unnecessary worry will blow away with the wind.
Mom is 81 years old and has never had a major health crisis, so there could be something about this geschrieben stuff that rings true.
A similar Yiddish expression is "beshert" - and that is usually used to describe your destiny in finding your soul mate. With all my heart, I believe it was beshert that I met my husband, John. And to think of all the years I wasted worrying about finding my soul mate. I couldn't have picked a better time to find a better man to marry. The stars knew much better than me.
As for our own health - we know what we need to do to stay healthy. The fear and thoughts, however, that the media constantly puts in our heads contributes to our woes. Over awareness is not a good thing, in DearBubbie's opinion. I don't need to see constant reminders of breast cancer on my soup cans or tennis shoes. It puts the thought in my head - and I don't want it there constantly.
Take care of yourself - eat better, move more. Make that a resolution every day to ward off worries about your own health. Pass by something you ordinarily would eat. Park your car a little further away and pick up the pace, take steps instead of an elevator. It actually will make you feel a lot better.
Instead of worrying about our loved ones, what if we spent our time thinking about what we can do for (or with) our kids, parents, spouses, etc. . . In the time it takes us to log in to our e-mail, we could be writing a 'love you' note to place on their pillows at night. Instead of looking up stocks, we can be looking up day trips.
A schedule for more quantity and quality of time with our loved ones is something that we can control and make happen.
When it comes to money problems, my friend, Charmaine has said: "If my only problems are those that can be solved by having money, then I'm in pretty good shape."
I can't complain to my Mother (there she is again!) about money, because she'll scold me: "If you're going to worry about money, the God will show you some real problems! If you have health and love, you have it all."
I have a friend who recently lost her house to foreclosure and found an affordable rental. She appears to almost be happier to have that stress off her back. Someone else is worrying about repairs, taxes and insurance. And she is starting over fresh. Same with a woman who had major credit card debt. She worried about her credit, having to rush to the post office to make her minimum payments. This was her life. When bankruptcy became the only answer, she suddenly became free. And happy. Life deals us this hand and sometimes it turns out for the better.
I'd say most of us have no business worrying about money. The unhappiest people I know are the people who have lots of it. My Bubbiehubby worried constantly about money. When I reminded him that we've made ends meet for the past three years and nothing has changed - he loosened up. He is truly a different man.
To conclude, isn't it true that there's peace of mind in knowing that we tried our best? That we acknowledge our mistakes and therefore aren't on track to keep repeating them. If we do our best by our families, our loved ones - then there is no need for worry. It is truly geschrieben..
Now for some concerns over the generations*:
In the 1960's, crime first emerged as a national issue and played a central role in the Presidential contest of 1964 and 1968. Richard Nixon ran successfully for President touting a "law and order" platform. Polls showed that for the first time in U.S. History, crime had risen to the status of America's number one domestic problem. How about sending our kids off to war with the draft? Or the free love/cult/LSD culture? Would we rather be raising our kids today with Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus?
The 1970's marked the era of awareness of our environment. The first Earth Day took place in 1970. "There are ominous signs that the earth's weather patterns have begun to change dramatically," Newsweek reported in 1975. They warned of a drastic decline in food production. The 1970's brought about the end to the Vietnam war, opposition to nuclear weapons, the advocacy of world peace and hostility to the authority of government and big business. Industrialized countries, except for Japan, experienced an economic recession due to an oil crisis caused by oil embargoes. Remember the high interest Jimmy Carter years?
The 1980's became the Me! Me! Me! Generation of status seekers. During the 1980's, we saw hostile takeovers, leveraged buyouts and mega-mergers that spawned a new breed of billionaire. Binge buying and credit became a way of life. Tom Wolfe dubbed the baby boomers as the "splurge generation". The decade began with double-digit inflation, Reagan declared a war on drugs and many of our finest talents succumbed to AIDS. Internationally, the Berlin Wall was removed.
There will always be issues for concern, but there always seems to be a happy ending even in the most dismal of situations.
*this information was gathered from various websites and not written by Dearbubbie.
I'd worry more about worrying because the stress can kill you.
Sadly, one thing out of control is the health and welfare of our loved ones. This ranked high on our DearBubbie Facebook page as one of our greatest concerns. My Mother always says life is "geschrieben". Our destinies are written in the stars. I suppose if one truly believed it's out of their control anyway, a lot of unnecessary worry will blow away with the wind.
Mom is 81 years old and has never had a major health crisis, so there could be something about this geschrieben stuff that rings true.
A similar Yiddish expression is "beshert" - and that is usually used to describe your destiny in finding your soul mate. With all my heart, I believe it was beshert that I met my husband, John. And to think of all the years I wasted worrying about finding my soul mate. I couldn't have picked a better time to find a better man to marry. The stars knew much better than me.
As for our own health - we know what we need to do to stay healthy. The fear and thoughts, however, that the media constantly puts in our heads contributes to our woes. Over awareness is not a good thing, in DearBubbie's opinion. I don't need to see constant reminders of breast cancer on my soup cans or tennis shoes. It puts the thought in my head - and I don't want it there constantly.
Take care of yourself - eat better, move more. Make that a resolution every day to ward off worries about your own health. Pass by something you ordinarily would eat. Park your car a little further away and pick up the pace, take steps instead of an elevator. It actually will make you feel a lot better.
Instead of worrying about our loved ones, what if we spent our time thinking about what we can do for (or with) our kids, parents, spouses, etc. . . In the time it takes us to log in to our e-mail, we could be writing a 'love you' note to place on their pillows at night. Instead of looking up stocks, we can be looking up day trips.
A schedule for more quantity and quality of time with our loved ones is something that we can control and make happen.
When it comes to money problems, my friend, Charmaine has said: "If my only problems are those that can be solved by having money, then I'm in pretty good shape."
I can't complain to my Mother (there she is again!) about money, because she'll scold me: "If you're going to worry about money, the God will show you some real problems! If you have health and love, you have it all."
I have a friend who recently lost her house to foreclosure and found an affordable rental. She appears to almost be happier to have that stress off her back. Someone else is worrying about repairs, taxes and insurance. And she is starting over fresh. Same with a woman who had major credit card debt. She worried about her credit, having to rush to the post office to make her minimum payments. This was her life. When bankruptcy became the only answer, she suddenly became free. And happy. Life deals us this hand and sometimes it turns out for the better.
I'd say most of us have no business worrying about money. The unhappiest people I know are the people who have lots of it. My Bubbiehubby worried constantly about money. When I reminded him that we've made ends meet for the past three years and nothing has changed - he loosened up. He is truly a different man.
To conclude, isn't it true that there's peace of mind in knowing that we tried our best? That we acknowledge our mistakes and therefore aren't on track to keep repeating them. If we do our best by our families, our loved ones - then there is no need for worry. It is truly geschrieben..
Now for some concerns over the generations*:
In the 1960's, crime first emerged as a national issue and played a central role in the Presidential contest of 1964 and 1968. Richard Nixon ran successfully for President touting a "law and order" platform. Polls showed that for the first time in U.S. History, crime had risen to the status of America's number one domestic problem. How about sending our kids off to war with the draft? Or the free love/cult/LSD culture? Would we rather be raising our kids today with Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus?
The 1970's marked the era of awareness of our environment. The first Earth Day took place in 1970. "There are ominous signs that the earth's weather patterns have begun to change dramatically," Newsweek reported in 1975. They warned of a drastic decline in food production. The 1970's brought about the end to the Vietnam war, opposition to nuclear weapons, the advocacy of world peace and hostility to the authority of government and big business. Industrialized countries, except for Japan, experienced an economic recession due to an oil crisis caused by oil embargoes. Remember the high interest Jimmy Carter years?
The 1980's became the Me! Me! Me! Generation of status seekers. During the 1980's, we saw hostile takeovers, leveraged buyouts and mega-mergers that spawned a new breed of billionaire. Binge buying and credit became a way of life. Tom Wolfe dubbed the baby boomers as the "splurge generation". The decade began with double-digit inflation, Reagan declared a war on drugs and many of our finest talents succumbed to AIDS. Internationally, the Berlin Wall was removed.
There will always be issues for concern, but there always seems to be a happy ending even in the most dismal of situations.
*this information was gathered from various websites and not written by Dearbubbie.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Replies to the Below DearBubbie Letter
These replies came from our DearBubbie Facebook Page. They answer the previous DearBubbie letter that came in. If you have a question for DearBubbie, write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com
Karis
The first question that pops into my mind: were there any children as a result of this marriage? If the answer is yes, then I would suggest that the years weren't lost, but the children gained. If the answer is no ~ search for the good that was in the marriage and keep those memories. Beyond that ~ what are the lessons learned? Surely there are some ~ that is what you take with you as you let go and move on. If you don't learn, you don't grow. If you don't grow, you die. It becomes a choice in life ~ grow or die. Don't lament the lost years . . . look forward to the new ones. Yes, you are older and WISER...those are good things. Happiness is a state of being that we choose. If you aren't happy, it is because you are choosing to color your life with different emotions. How do they serve you? Why do you remain stuck?... See MoreYou won't ever get back the years that have passed by you ~ but you can surely wile away the ones in front of you in pity or in hope. I've been there and for me, personally, I choose hope and happiness.Best of luck to this Bubbie.
David Forget the lost years, you can't get them back. But live on, create new years as you would like and make them memorable.
Richard Anybody seen THE WIFE? She was around here somewhere...last night, I think it was...
DearBubbie
Richard! Thank you as always for your insight! Somehow, I think "older & wiser" is luckier than a woman who may discover (after 20-plus years) a betrayal by the spouse. That they've been leading a double life. Or trying to make a hopeless situation work, when they didn't have all the facts. O & W knew what was going on and chose to stay. To ... See Moremove forward, maybe she should 'plan' to start creating memorable moments. Today is the first day of the rest of my life - this is what I'm going to do. But DearBubbie hasn't been in her shoes. I hope one of you will hit on something that clicks with her. Maybe Karis or David already have. Richard, try again! :-)
Richard
Can't you see I'm on the computer, woman! (delete, delete, delete....)
January
Live life with no regrets, life is too short. Move on, and make new memories. Time heals all wounds.
Janet
I was in the same situation (substitute booze for porn). Still think about the lost years. You can't help it. BUT-you can move on. You'll always look back at the 'bad' years with regret. We all have regrets. You will feel better about it, and proud of yourself once you start living the way YOU want to. Good luck, and write back and let us know how you are doing. k?
Chris
I will respond after I get home from work. I need to think about the best response.
Dee
Been there, done that. It was shortly after New Years that I found myself on my own again. 2nd divorce. Porn, booze, playstation (yes, that can be an addiction too), Don't look at it with regret, look at it as a lesson learned. If you learn something from it, it is never a mistake. Don't try to reconcile with the lost years, they are done and ... See Moreover with. Move forward. It's a slow and sometimes painful thing to do but necessary. I find that pain is my best motivator and think it is in most people. Don't forget the past, just don't dwell on it. Remember the saying, you can dig a hole but don't move in! Surrender & acceptance; if your Higher Power brings you to it they'll bring you through it. I'll keep you in my prayers, things WILL get better. Seek counseling if necessary. YANA - You Are Never Alone.
Alisa
You have to stop considering them lost years for starters. You learned what you do not want and will not accept so it is time to move in a forward direction and stop wallowing in the past. If you want a future, you have all the opportunity in the world to go get it now without anyone being in your way, except yourself. Quit focusing on the was and ... See Morestart working on the what will be....I suggest perhaps trying something that I give my girls as advice...you only allow one day of self pity and crying - you've had yours already - and then you hold your head up high and make him regret he ever lost you. Become the woman you want to be - awesome - and know that you deserve nothing but happiness from life from now on. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he got the best of you. The best is yet to come!
DearBubbie
Bubbie Alisa - that is strong, good advice. Thank you!
Charmaine Engelsman-Robins
Wow, that sux. Been there/done that, but learned that A) anything resulting in a lesson learned isn't a loss and B) if you hadn't gotten out NOW how many years would have been wasted? Thank God for small favors like the gift of time to start over. (PS - You might want to read, "It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now." It's excellent! Hang in there.
Karis
The first question that pops into my mind: were there any children as a result of this marriage? If the answer is yes, then I would suggest that the years weren't lost, but the children gained. If the answer is no ~ search for the good that was in the marriage and keep those memories. Beyond that ~ what are the lessons learned? Surely there are some ~ that is what you take with you as you let go and move on. If you don't learn, you don't grow. If you don't grow, you die. It becomes a choice in life ~ grow or die. Don't lament the lost years . . . look forward to the new ones. Yes, you are older and WISER...those are good things. Happiness is a state of being that we choose. If you aren't happy, it is because you are choosing to color your life with different emotions. How do they serve you? Why do you remain stuck?... See MoreYou won't ever get back the years that have passed by you ~ but you can surely wile away the ones in front of you in pity or in hope. I've been there and for me, personally, I choose hope and happiness.Best of luck to this Bubbie.
David Forget the lost years, you can't get them back. But live on, create new years as you would like and make them memorable.
Richard Anybody seen THE WIFE? She was around here somewhere...last night, I think it was...
DearBubbie
Richard! Thank you as always for your insight! Somehow, I think "older & wiser" is luckier than a woman who may discover (after 20-plus years) a betrayal by the spouse. That they've been leading a double life. Or trying to make a hopeless situation work, when they didn't have all the facts. O & W knew what was going on and chose to stay. To ... See Moremove forward, maybe she should 'plan' to start creating memorable moments. Today is the first day of the rest of my life - this is what I'm going to do. But DearBubbie hasn't been in her shoes. I hope one of you will hit on something that clicks with her. Maybe Karis or David already have. Richard, try again! :-)
Richard
Can't you see I'm on the computer, woman! (delete, delete, delete....)
January
Live life with no regrets, life is too short. Move on, and make new memories. Time heals all wounds.
Janet
I was in the same situation (substitute booze for porn). Still think about the lost years. You can't help it. BUT-you can move on. You'll always look back at the 'bad' years with regret. We all have regrets. You will feel better about it, and proud of yourself once you start living the way YOU want to. Good luck, and write back and let us know how you are doing. k?
Chris
I will respond after I get home from work. I need to think about the best response.
Dee
Been there, done that. It was shortly after New Years that I found myself on my own again. 2nd divorce. Porn, booze, playstation (yes, that can be an addiction too), Don't look at it with regret, look at it as a lesson learned. If you learn something from it, it is never a mistake. Don't try to reconcile with the lost years, they are done and ... See Moreover with. Move forward. It's a slow and sometimes painful thing to do but necessary. I find that pain is my best motivator and think it is in most people. Don't forget the past, just don't dwell on it. Remember the saying, you can dig a hole but don't move in! Surrender & acceptance; if your Higher Power brings you to it they'll bring you through it. I'll keep you in my prayers, things WILL get better. Seek counseling if necessary. YANA - You Are Never Alone.
Alisa
You have to stop considering them lost years for starters. You learned what you do not want and will not accept so it is time to move in a forward direction and stop wallowing in the past. If you want a future, you have all the opportunity in the world to go get it now without anyone being in your way, except yourself. Quit focusing on the was and ... See Morestart working on the what will be....I suggest perhaps trying something that I give my girls as advice...you only allow one day of self pity and crying - you've had yours already - and then you hold your head up high and make him regret he ever lost you. Become the woman you want to be - awesome - and know that you deserve nothing but happiness from life from now on. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he got the best of you. The best is yet to come!
DearBubbie
Bubbie Alisa - that is strong, good advice. Thank you!
Charmaine Engelsman-Robins
Wow, that sux. Been there/done that, but learned that A) anything resulting in a lesson learned isn't a loss and B) if you hadn't gotten out NOW how many years would have been wasted? Thank God for small favors like the gift of time to start over. (PS - You might want to read, "It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now." It's excellent! Hang in there.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
DearBubbie,
Well, I awoke this New Year's Day in the same position I was in - on my side and devastated that I have lost 23 years of my LIFE to a lost cause. I have now divorced the lost cause who gambled our money away and was addicted to porn websites. But I am having trouble reconciling the lost years. I can't get them back! I'm happy to have him out of my life, but my head isn't letting me stop kicking myself for wasting so many years. Can you help?
Signed,
Older, wiser, but not happier
Well, I awoke this New Year's Day in the same position I was in - on my side and devastated that I have lost 23 years of my LIFE to a lost cause. I have now divorced the lost cause who gambled our money away and was addicted to porn websites. But I am having trouble reconciling the lost years. I can't get them back! I'm happy to have him out of my life, but my head isn't letting me stop kicking myself for wasting so many years. Can you help?
Signed,
Older, wiser, but not happier
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