Food for thought for the New Year:
Think of the following:
1. The boldest, most adventurous thing you did in '09.
2. Think of something you did this year that you hope NOT to repeat. Eeks!
3. Think of the most FUN thing you did.
4. Think of what made you feel really good.
5. Something that made you proud.
As you head into '10 - realize that #2 is behind you. That you learned a lesson and that's a good thing. You can't change it -it's done. Goodbye #2.
If there's a goal you want to achieve, go to # 1 & #5. If you were able to achieve those things - you can do the unthinkable in '10. Even if it's losing 10 pounds! You already did the bold and adventurous - you are CAPABLE. You can do it. And what fun to add it to your end of year list - that you did it. You can! You will! (Yes, with a few backward steps along the way, but you will achieve your goals.)
During our growing process, please look for ways to have fun in '10. Sometimes we have to plan our fun. I had fun getting caught in a rainstorm. It poured on me and I felt like a kid again - running through the rain. Please try to figure out a way to make a form of exercise your fun. Even if it's just dancing to a song a day. Exercise is such a release and makes us feel so good. Go to #3 to see what your fun was. And it does NOT need to include money! HAVE FUN! Laugh once a day.
Please write to DearBubbie@yahoo.com if you want any help with a goal or simply encouragement or compassion. We also have a Facebook wall - one word: DearBubbie. We would love to hear your fun stories or feel free to share what makes 'life' work for you.
As we enter into '10 - one important thing to remember is how good GIVING feels. Even if it's just a smile. We are capable of changing someone else's day in the easiest of gestures. And selfishly - we get so much back from that!
And if we screw up - please say: I'm sorry. Acknowledge your mistake.
Remember those that are least lovable, need love the most.
We all come in different shapes and sizes, some of us are alone and some married. Be around the good, positive energy. Think of others, but don't drain yourself. Know when to help and when to help yourself.
You are loved no matter who you are. You are a Bubbie. Happy New Year.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Inspirational Saying
Build your life on the firm foundation of true gratitude and true humility. Build the frame of your life out of self-discipline, never let yourself get selfish or lazy or contented with yourself. Build the walls of your life out of service to others. Build a garden around your life out of peace of mind and serenity and a sure faith..........LIVE
Love,
Bubbie
Love,
Bubbie
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Heartbroken for the Holidays
If you have a question for DearBubbie, please write to dearbubbie@yahoo.com
From our DearBubbie Facebook Page files.
Dear Bubbie:
Lately my hearts just been aching. Its coming up on the death of one of my best friends, my other friend had a baby who is not doing well- constantly having open heart surgery & having all kinds of additional problems, and to make it worse I found someone I really care about...problem is he's made it clear he's not looking for anything serious & is seeing other people BUT he fights the fact that he really likes me more than he wants to...just my luck (w/ guys), feeling a little sad. My hearts just been hurting...
Signed,
Anonymous
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First, thank you for letting us try to help you. Did you know that those who actually SEEK help are the first to recover. I'm going to start by saying TAKE ONE SAD THOUGHT at a time. If any of us took ALL our problems and tackled them all at once - it would seem too big to manage. I'm looking forward to comments from our Bubbies to advise you on the problems they think they can help you handle. In the meantime, hang in. . help is on its way!
From our DearBubbie Facebook Page files.
Dear Bubbie:
Lately my hearts just been aching. Its coming up on the death of one of my best friends, my other friend had a baby who is not doing well- constantly having open heart surgery & having all kinds of additional problems, and to make it worse I found someone I really care about...problem is he's made it clear he's not looking for anything serious & is seeing other people BUT he fights the fact that he really likes me more than he wants to...just my luck (w/ guys), feeling a little sad. My hearts just been hurting...
Signed,
Anonymous
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First, thank you for letting us try to help you. Did you know that those who actually SEEK help are the first to recover. I'm going to start by saying TAKE ONE SAD THOUGHT at a time. If any of us took ALL our problems and tackled them all at once - it would seem too big to manage. I'm looking forward to comments from our Bubbies to advise you on the problems they think they can help you handle. In the meantime, hang in. . help is on its way!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Dead Spouse is Still Alive in Her World
Dear Bubbie,
Maybe you or your community can help my daughter, who lost her husband five years ago. She is a beautiful young woman of 31, with a five year old son. She is devoted to her child and happy in her world, but one can never bring up her meeting a special someone again.
To quote her: "Oh no, I feel like I'm still married. He's not here in the way that we hoped, but he's still here and I'm still married to him."
Honestly, it shuts people up quickly - as I see a look of surprise come over their faces.
I'd love for her to meet someone, but as time passes, I see that her position grows stronger over the years. How can I get her to see reality? She really is closed off to any opportunity.
Love,
A Concerned Mother
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Concerned Mother,
Bubbie can't even begin to imagine the horror and pain of losing a spouse, especially when you have an infant son and the whole world in front of you. We e-mailed a couple of letters back and forth and you said she is a functioning adult with a good job that involves travel and she shows interest in her appearance.
You also let me know what a good mother she is to her son - and that the male influence in her son's life is your husband (his Grandfather).
Don't you think that we use all kinds of 'tools' to help us deal with the unthinkable? In this case, this is how your daughter is handling her post-traumatic stress - by believing that her husband is walking side by side with her, and helping her raise their son. She just can't see him.
Therapy is completely out of the question, because if one does not want help, they won't see a therapist. You can always suggest it, however, in case there's anything else that burdens her. Then perhaps as a sidebar, the invisible husband issue can come up. Would she go for a support group for single parents? Or maybe she could start a group of her own?
Sometimes, all it takes is a trigger word and a light bulb goes off. I know for you as a Mother, it's hard to see your daughter all alone. And when her child turns 18, she will really be alone.
While I wouldn't go along with her delusions, I certainly wouldn't bring it up every chance I had. I think it's admirable that her son comes first - and more Mothers should be putting their children first (over possible dates with a new potential mate). A mother has to live her own life, but she brought a kid into this world and for better or worse, this child must be a priority. Maybe in the back of your daughter's head, she may be waiting for the child to go off to college or when he's less needy of her attentions. We never know exactly what she may be thinking.
Bubbie thinks that nature should take its course. Maybe a man will come into her life as a friend first . Or possibly she'll meet a man in a similar situation. If she's a happy, productive, healthy adult, then perhaps - even though five years have passed - she will come to terms with reality. Don't let your daughter's situation become your problem. It could be way worse.
Any suggestions from our Facebook and Blogspot friends will be passed along to our writer.
Maybe you or your community can help my daughter, who lost her husband five years ago. She is a beautiful young woman of 31, with a five year old son. She is devoted to her child and happy in her world, but one can never bring up her meeting a special someone again.
To quote her: "Oh no, I feel like I'm still married. He's not here in the way that we hoped, but he's still here and I'm still married to him."
Honestly, it shuts people up quickly - as I see a look of surprise come over their faces.
I'd love for her to meet someone, but as time passes, I see that her position grows stronger over the years. How can I get her to see reality? She really is closed off to any opportunity.
Love,
A Concerned Mother
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Concerned Mother,
Bubbie can't even begin to imagine the horror and pain of losing a spouse, especially when you have an infant son and the whole world in front of you. We e-mailed a couple of letters back and forth and you said she is a functioning adult with a good job that involves travel and she shows interest in her appearance.
You also let me know what a good mother she is to her son - and that the male influence in her son's life is your husband (his Grandfather).
Don't you think that we use all kinds of 'tools' to help us deal with the unthinkable? In this case, this is how your daughter is handling her post-traumatic stress - by believing that her husband is walking side by side with her, and helping her raise their son. She just can't see him.
Therapy is completely out of the question, because if one does not want help, they won't see a therapist. You can always suggest it, however, in case there's anything else that burdens her. Then perhaps as a sidebar, the invisible husband issue can come up. Would she go for a support group for single parents? Or maybe she could start a group of her own?
Sometimes, all it takes is a trigger word and a light bulb goes off. I know for you as a Mother, it's hard to see your daughter all alone. And when her child turns 18, she will really be alone.
While I wouldn't go along with her delusions, I certainly wouldn't bring it up every chance I had. I think it's admirable that her son comes first - and more Mothers should be putting their children first (over possible dates with a new potential mate). A mother has to live her own life, but she brought a kid into this world and for better or worse, this child must be a priority. Maybe in the back of your daughter's head, she may be waiting for the child to go off to college or when he's less needy of her attentions. We never know exactly what she may be thinking.
Bubbie thinks that nature should take its course. Maybe a man will come into her life as a friend first . Or possibly she'll meet a man in a similar situation. If she's a happy, productive, healthy adult, then perhaps - even though five years have passed - she will come to terms with reality. Don't let your daughter's situation become your problem. It could be way worse.
Any suggestions from our Facebook and Blogspot friends will be passed along to our writer.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Dear Bubbie -
I'm preparing in advance for a Christmas Day alone. I'll be fine, but would like to make it a real nice day versus feeling sorry for myself.
Do you have any suggestions about what I can do - like a Things To Do List - to make it one of the best Christmases ever?
Love,
Terah
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Dear Terah,
I asked our followers on the Dearbubbie Facebook Page for some suggestions, and this one came from one of the readers:
Rent a movie and chinese food afterward!
I kind of like that one, Terah!
My typical advice is to start the day with exercise. Even if you just dance WILDLY to a couple of songs on the radio. Getting outside and breathing in the fresh air is great, too. I'm in Florida, so I don't know what it really means to get out in the snow. I'd build a snowman - that would make me happy. (And I'd consider that exercise!)
I'm wondering if there's something you've always wanted to try. . like painting or making candles. I'd go to your local craft shop and try to make something - from a scarf to a necklace with beads? Treat yourself to a crafty kit and make something.
I'd try to CLEAN the house the day before Christmas. Don't do anything you 'have to do' on Christmas - unless you WANT to. I say do something FUN, while accomplishing and creating.
And, limit yourself on the computer. Believe it or not - the computer can be a depressant.
Let us know what you end up doing. You're smart to plan in advance - but you never know what other surprises will await you.
With love,
Your Bubbie
I'm preparing in advance for a Christmas Day alone. I'll be fine, but would like to make it a real nice day versus feeling sorry for myself.
Do you have any suggestions about what I can do - like a Things To Do List - to make it one of the best Christmases ever?
Love,
Terah
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Terah,
I asked our followers on the Dearbubbie Facebook Page for some suggestions, and this one came from one of the readers:
Rent a movie and chinese food afterward!
I kind of like that one, Terah!
My typical advice is to start the day with exercise. Even if you just dance WILDLY to a couple of songs on the radio. Getting outside and breathing in the fresh air is great, too. I'm in Florida, so I don't know what it really means to get out in the snow. I'd build a snowman - that would make me happy. (And I'd consider that exercise!)
I'm wondering if there's something you've always wanted to try. . like painting or making candles. I'd go to your local craft shop and try to make something - from a scarf to a necklace with beads? Treat yourself to a crafty kit and make something.
I'd try to CLEAN the house the day before Christmas. Don't do anything you 'have to do' on Christmas - unless you WANT to. I say do something FUN, while accomplishing and creating.
And, limit yourself on the computer. Believe it or not - the computer can be a depressant.
Let us know what you end up doing. You're smart to plan in advance - but you never know what other surprises will await you.
With love,
Your Bubbie
The Day Amanda Turned Up Missing
Man, was I upset at my husband, John, when he accidently locked me out of our home yesterday. Of course, none of this would have happened if I hadn't decided to play hooky from work.
Actually it was tennis I played. I had committed to a team that had first place riding on this away match. While I gave notice that I could not play the month of December, duty called when there was a shortage of players. So, the CLOSED sign went up at the shop and my husband drove me to our local club, where the players would pick me up. Hubby drove me, because the club agreed to let us display some paintings from my shop there and he would be hanging them in the concrete walls. (Thank you, honey.)
As usual, tennis was such a blast and we won two courts. There were actually three alligators in the water retention pond/lake near the tennis courts, but I digress.
On the way home, I was so exhausted that when we dropped off my partner who was sitting in the front seat, I just stayed in the back. I felt like I was being chauffered in a pretty red Mercedes. As soon as she pulled into my driveway, I realized - I had nothing with me. Just my racquet.
When I was single (something I say repeatedly), I could always get in my house - key or no key. Since my husband moved in, the place had become like Fort Knox. I used my friend's cellphone to call him and he did not pick up. He was making me mad. I told my friend to just take off, I would figure something out. As I walked the outer perimeter of the house, I saw the only way in was to climb over a chain link fence. Meanwhile, my dachshund was literally screaming for me to come into the house.
Since I'm not a climber, I walked over to a daycare next door and asked if I could use their phone. I'd try to call hubby again. Still no answer. And as I listened cheerfully on the exterior to the little kids telling me about their experiences with Santa Claus, inside I was seething. I told them that if they were real quiet, they could hear my dog howling. They did. "He's hungry," I told them sadly.
Okay, things were going to change around here. There is going to be a key OUTSIDE from here on in. Even meaner, I was thinking about locking HIM out of the house so he could see what it felt like. I was shivering in my sweaty tennis clothes and then looked at the time. Amanda, the 15 year old should be home from school by now. So, with the dog yelping, I banged on the door, rang the doorbell and screeched out: A M A N D A-H-H-H!!!!!!!! I looked in the house and saw it looked totally empty.
Then I remembered she said something about a FHA, FAA or FFA meeting after school, but I could have sworn she said it was Tuesday. With no answer, I went to my other neighbor's house to see if he'd climb over the chain link fence, but he wasn't home (or he very wisely pretended not to be). Finally, I pretended I was in the Amazing Race - took a hammer to a padlock and banged away until it got loose. From there, I was able to break into my house, to a very relieved dachsy.
It was about 3:30, so I showered and ate a huge lunch, which ended up also being my dinner. By the time my husband showed up, I wasn't so angry any more. I was proud that I was able to break into Fort London-Ferguson. And a new set of rules would be established - including he needed to pick up the phone when I called him - like when I was SINGLE.
As I was finishing up a salad, and John made his upteenth phone call to Amanda who was not picking up - we both decided we should head to her high school. We sat in the parking lot at the only exit - and at 4:30, I said we needed to go in. I was imagining her being nice to someone in a car and they grabbed her. Or cutting through an isolated part of the school to get home. The first chapter of Lovely Bones ran through my head.
"Okay, what was she wearing?" I asked John. "Was she wearing shorts?" (These young peeps today, wear such short shorts. Never mind that we had 'hot pants' during our high school days.) "No, she was wearing long pants."
"Okay, we're going into the administration building," I said, opening the car door.
"You're not going anywhere," John said, boldly. "You're not dressed properly." I looked at my after-shower doggie-squared housedress with a rip in it. I wasn't wearing shoes, but I was wearing a bra.
"But, it's my daughter!!!" I whined, as he shut his car door and headed to the building alone. As soon as he hit the doors to the deserted school, I saw him stop and answer his cellphone. I knew it was Amanda, but where could she have gone? I know she would have called her Dad if she was going over to a friend's house.
I thought it could have been a long-winded speaker at her How to Judge Cows meeting. But 4:30, when school lets out at 2:15? When John got back into the car, he asked me if I had checked her room. The door was shut, I said. So out of privacy, I didn't check it.
There she had slept through everything, except for when Rex was barking. "I covered my head with a pillow when I heard him crying," Amanda said, "and went back to sleep." Relieved, we all laughed about it - and were reminded of important lessons. Like, always walk with someone and be aware of your surroundings. And for me? Don't play hooky from work.
Actually it was tennis I played. I had committed to a team that had first place riding on this away match. While I gave notice that I could not play the month of December, duty called when there was a shortage of players. So, the CLOSED sign went up at the shop and my husband drove me to our local club, where the players would pick me up. Hubby drove me, because the club agreed to let us display some paintings from my shop there and he would be hanging them in the concrete walls. (Thank you, honey.)
As usual, tennis was such a blast and we won two courts. There were actually three alligators in the water retention pond/lake near the tennis courts, but I digress.
On the way home, I was so exhausted that when we dropped off my partner who was sitting in the front seat, I just stayed in the back. I felt like I was being chauffered in a pretty red Mercedes. As soon as she pulled into my driveway, I realized - I had nothing with me. Just my racquet.
When I was single (something I say repeatedly), I could always get in my house - key or no key. Since my husband moved in, the place had become like Fort Knox. I used my friend's cellphone to call him and he did not pick up. He was making me mad. I told my friend to just take off, I would figure something out. As I walked the outer perimeter of the house, I saw the only way in was to climb over a chain link fence. Meanwhile, my dachshund was literally screaming for me to come into the house.
Since I'm not a climber, I walked over to a daycare next door and asked if I could use their phone. I'd try to call hubby again. Still no answer. And as I listened cheerfully on the exterior to the little kids telling me about their experiences with Santa Claus, inside I was seething. I told them that if they were real quiet, they could hear my dog howling. They did. "He's hungry," I told them sadly.
Okay, things were going to change around here. There is going to be a key OUTSIDE from here on in. Even meaner, I was thinking about locking HIM out of the house so he could see what it felt like. I was shivering in my sweaty tennis clothes and then looked at the time. Amanda, the 15 year old should be home from school by now. So, with the dog yelping, I banged on the door, rang the doorbell and screeched out: A M A N D A-H-H-H!!!!!!!! I looked in the house and saw it looked totally empty.
Then I remembered she said something about a FHA, FAA or FFA meeting after school, but I could have sworn she said it was Tuesday. With no answer, I went to my other neighbor's house to see if he'd climb over the chain link fence, but he wasn't home (or he very wisely pretended not to be). Finally, I pretended I was in the Amazing Race - took a hammer to a padlock and banged away until it got loose. From there, I was able to break into my house, to a very relieved dachsy.
It was about 3:30, so I showered and ate a huge lunch, which ended up also being my dinner. By the time my husband showed up, I wasn't so angry any more. I was proud that I was able to break into Fort London-Ferguson. And a new set of rules would be established - including he needed to pick up the phone when I called him - like when I was SINGLE.
As I was finishing up a salad, and John made his upteenth phone call to Amanda who was not picking up - we both decided we should head to her high school. We sat in the parking lot at the only exit - and at 4:30, I said we needed to go in. I was imagining her being nice to someone in a car and they grabbed her. Or cutting through an isolated part of the school to get home. The first chapter of Lovely Bones ran through my head.
"Okay, what was she wearing?" I asked John. "Was she wearing shorts?" (These young peeps today, wear such short shorts. Never mind that we had 'hot pants' during our high school days.) "No, she was wearing long pants."
"Okay, we're going into the administration building," I said, opening the car door.
"You're not going anywhere," John said, boldly. "You're not dressed properly." I looked at my after-shower doggie-squared housedress with a rip in it. I wasn't wearing shoes, but I was wearing a bra.
"But, it's my daughter!!!" I whined, as he shut his car door and headed to the building alone. As soon as he hit the doors to the deserted school, I saw him stop and answer his cellphone. I knew it was Amanda, but where could she have gone? I know she would have called her Dad if she was going over to a friend's house.
I thought it could have been a long-winded speaker at her How to Judge Cows meeting. But 4:30, when school lets out at 2:15? When John got back into the car, he asked me if I had checked her room. The door was shut, I said. So out of privacy, I didn't check it.
There she had slept through everything, except for when Rex was barking. "I covered my head with a pillow when I heard him crying," Amanda said, "and went back to sleep." Relieved, we all laughed about it - and were reminded of important lessons. Like, always walk with someone and be aware of your surroundings. And for me? Don't play hooky from work.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Recipient of Humane Award
Thanks to the very sweet Cape Cod Woman - Snaggle Tooth - who took the time to read my VERY LONG stories about Max and Amanda. She has several blogs and the one I have read is: exitstageright. So would that be. .. www.exitstageright.blogspot.comShe gave me the fun honor of this award. This is the third thing I've "won" this year (others were monetary) and it has made Bubbie VERY happy!
Many, many thanks to a wonderful, real, relatable human being. Wish I was in the Cape to give you a hug! Or is it I wish I were. . .
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Flash 55 - Shut Up!
Even though her car passenger was chatting so happily, Eve was annoyed.
"So, when are we going to see your Dad?" she inquired. The answer resulted in raucous laughter.
Eve snapped. "You know, really!"
"What?"
"You're being RUDE!"
The rest of the ride was in stormy silence, as the passenger clicked her cellphone shut.
"So, when are we going to see your Dad?" she inquired. The answer resulted in raucous laughter.
Eve snapped. "You know, really!"
"What?"
"You're being RUDE!"
The rest of the ride was in stormy silence, as the passenger clicked her cellphone shut.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
A Strong Foundation for the Three of Us. . .
To say I'm protective of my home, is like saying Santa Claus is from the North Pole. It's not so much the structure or contents, but what "home" represents to me.
After being single for so many years, it was a piece of cake to keep the household free of fighting, misunderstandings and someone else's baggage. A stable home life is something I worked hard for - financially and otherwise. It's my safe place - where the crazies can't get to me (except through the nightly news or e-mail, hello channel remote and delete key). There is enough going on out there in the real world to scare the bejesus out of any of us, so with a turn of a lock - here I am in my safe little world. La la la la la la la. Where peace and love exists and the cat and dog run freely and happily. I get to eat whatever I want and watch whatever crap I want to watch on the boob tube. I could laugh out loud, cry out loud and burp out loud (although, I'd say 'excuse me' to the animals).
So, then I decide to get married. When my husband moved in, one of the first things he did was remove my eyesore of a mailbox. This was a mailbox that I sweated over in the hot Florida Sun making a tile mosaic all over it. I received a very nice compliment from a neighbor: "Weeeelllll, that's interesting. . "
As the lumpy prodigious sculpture began to lean, it only added to the character. I was shocked when the mailbox was gone, and my husband proudly showed off his new straight green one straight from the generic department of Home Depot. But that was okay, it was only the outside of my safe place. And I do believe, by the mailbox's demise that he added value to the home.
We had one rule in the house - he had to STAY OUT of my bathroom. He very wisely moved slloowwwllly in, and cooked us such incredible gourmet meals on the grill that it was like living with Bobby Flay. I got to be exactly who I was before (only eating better). But I worried that MY home wouldn't feel like his safe place. A loving place, yes - but not his yet.
As he took over the garage and half the backyard with his hobby and work-related items, that part of our sanctuary was definitely his. When he added a 1952 Willys Wagon to the mix - his comfort level was complete.
Four months ago, on a Friday night at about 9:30 - we added another addition to the house - his 15 year old stepdaughter, Amanda. He scrambled through our spare room making room in the closet - stuffing his clothes into my closet and organizing my seasonal clothes. Instead of feeling like he's disrupting my L-I-F-E and T-H-I-N-G-S, I was so grateful with the ease and speed he was able to do it all. I was in la-la land - which is a great place to be when your life is about to change. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la la.
"I'm going to move my stuff into your bathroom," he said.
"OH NO YOU'RE NOT!" I screamed, as I snapped back into reality. "You guys have to share a bathroom." I'm the type of person who is concerned with sharing a bathroom on vacations. My bathroom is my safe place! That was a no-brainer that my husband easily conceded.
When Amanda moved in - we had a healthy, beautiful, funny, giggling, intelligent, absolutely non-complaining teenager. Her rules? Be good to the animals, keep them safe. No fighting allowed. And any dysfunctions she lived with at her other household had to stay there - we have enough craziness for her to adapt to here. We didn't need more. Our home had to be Amanda's safe place for her to escape from her outside craziness and stress.
There were some major adjustments for her and she politely questioned what they meant. Why did we ask so many questions? Of course, I was intrigued and excited by her teachers, her friends, her sports. It was horrifying and exhilirating to remember what it was like to be a teenager again! (I finally stopped asking her what her new vocabulary words were.) On Meet the Teacher night, I almost threw up. (Even more incredible was knowing one of the teachers. She wasn't Mrs. Bliss - she was Pat.)
Amanda acclimated beautifully and her room was her nirvna. I gotta tell you, she made the room MY idea of the perfect escape. Music, tv, clutter, fluffy blankets and pillows - I wanted to move in. I loved visiting in her room, but I respected her private sanctuary. She earned it through great grades at school and being generous and considerate to her Dad and me.
The thing I had to learn was how to deal with disharmony in the house. I'd go into panic mode. I would think things are going to be permanently like that and it is "unacceptable" (in my ugliest tone of voice!) in our home. Amanda's Dad always keeps the cool head and I think I'm losing control of my surroundings that are the WORLD to me.
Recently, Amanda's safe place was shaken after she returned home from a visit to her other household. Lack of good solid communication that made her Dad and I think the worst was what greeted her when she came home. I will always remember her stunned silence, the stop in her walking, when I said that I felt she was 'deceitful' to us. She sobbed later in her room, which made me as miserable as I've ever felt in my life as both her father and I tried to get to the bottom of the story.
The 'worst' was not applicable here, and both her Dad and I apologized to her. I've been falsely accused of things totally out of my character, and it takes me two centuries to get over it. I wondered how long it would take Amanda. While I pondered the lesson of never again jumping to a wrong conclusion, I thanked God that we gave her a chance to defend herself and listen. Really listen to her.
The worst part for me was that her Dad and I made HER home a scary place. A place she wanted to leave.
With three people in the house, this former single woman learned that there will be times when Amanda and/or my husband will make ME want to leave home. With different moods, different outside factors, different stresses of the day - we can't be cheery all the time. But we can always care about each other and respect when someone is down.
With our home's main foundation - of common consideration and most importantly, love and caring - our structure of peace and love, will remain strong and sturdy. Our roof may leak tears at times, but can easily be patched.
By the way, Amanda recovered in what I considered a record time. She made us a beautiful cake and a star for me. She's the shining star and I thank her for the lessons she teaches me.
After being single for so many years, it was a piece of cake to keep the household free of fighting, misunderstandings and someone else's baggage. A stable home life is something I worked hard for - financially and otherwise. It's my safe place - where the crazies can't get to me (except through the nightly news or e-mail, hello channel remote and delete key). There is enough going on out there in the real world to scare the bejesus out of any of us, so with a turn of a lock - here I am in my safe little world. La la la la la la la. Where peace and love exists and the cat and dog run freely and happily. I get to eat whatever I want and watch whatever crap I want to watch on the boob tube. I could laugh out loud, cry out loud and burp out loud (although, I'd say 'excuse me' to the animals).
So, then I decide to get married. When my husband moved in, one of the first things he did was remove my eyesore of a mailbox. This was a mailbox that I sweated over in the hot Florida Sun making a tile mosaic all over it. I received a very nice compliment from a neighbor: "Weeeelllll, that's interesting. . "
As the lumpy prodigious sculpture began to lean, it only added to the character. I was shocked when the mailbox was gone, and my husband proudly showed off his new straight green one straight from the generic department of Home Depot. But that was okay, it was only the outside of my safe place. And I do believe, by the mailbox's demise that he added value to the home.
We had one rule in the house - he had to STAY OUT of my bathroom. He very wisely moved slloowwwllly in, and cooked us such incredible gourmet meals on the grill that it was like living with Bobby Flay. I got to be exactly who I was before (only eating better). But I worried that MY home wouldn't feel like his safe place. A loving place, yes - but not his yet.
As he took over the garage and half the backyard with his hobby and work-related items, that part of our sanctuary was definitely his. When he added a 1952 Willys Wagon to the mix - his comfort level was complete.
Four months ago, on a Friday night at about 9:30 - we added another addition to the house - his 15 year old stepdaughter, Amanda. He scrambled through our spare room making room in the closet - stuffing his clothes into my closet and organizing my seasonal clothes. Instead of feeling like he's disrupting my L-I-F-E and T-H-I-N-G-S, I was so grateful with the ease and speed he was able to do it all. I was in la-la land - which is a great place to be when your life is about to change. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la la.
"I'm going to move my stuff into your bathroom," he said.
"OH NO YOU'RE NOT!" I screamed, as I snapped back into reality. "You guys have to share a bathroom." I'm the type of person who is concerned with sharing a bathroom on vacations. My bathroom is my safe place! That was a no-brainer that my husband easily conceded.
When Amanda moved in - we had a healthy, beautiful, funny, giggling, intelligent, absolutely non-complaining teenager. Her rules? Be good to the animals, keep them safe. No fighting allowed. And any dysfunctions she lived with at her other household had to stay there - we have enough craziness for her to adapt to here. We didn't need more. Our home had to be Amanda's safe place for her to escape from her outside craziness and stress.
There were some major adjustments for her and she politely questioned what they meant. Why did we ask so many questions? Of course, I was intrigued and excited by her teachers, her friends, her sports. It was horrifying and exhilirating to remember what it was like to be a teenager again! (I finally stopped asking her what her new vocabulary words were.) On Meet the Teacher night, I almost threw up. (Even more incredible was knowing one of the teachers. She wasn't Mrs. Bliss - she was Pat.)
Amanda acclimated beautifully and her room was her nirvna. I gotta tell you, she made the room MY idea of the perfect escape. Music, tv, clutter, fluffy blankets and pillows - I wanted to move in. I loved visiting in her room, but I respected her private sanctuary. She earned it through great grades at school and being generous and considerate to her Dad and me.
The thing I had to learn was how to deal with disharmony in the house. I'd go into panic mode. I would think things are going to be permanently like that and it is "unacceptable" (in my ugliest tone of voice!) in our home. Amanda's Dad always keeps the cool head and I think I'm losing control of my surroundings that are the WORLD to me.
Recently, Amanda's safe place was shaken after she returned home from a visit to her other household. Lack of good solid communication that made her Dad and I think the worst was what greeted her when she came home. I will always remember her stunned silence, the stop in her walking, when I said that I felt she was 'deceitful' to us. She sobbed later in her room, which made me as miserable as I've ever felt in my life as both her father and I tried to get to the bottom of the story.
The 'worst' was not applicable here, and both her Dad and I apologized to her. I've been falsely accused of things totally out of my character, and it takes me two centuries to get over it. I wondered how long it would take Amanda. While I pondered the lesson of never again jumping to a wrong conclusion, I thanked God that we gave her a chance to defend herself and listen. Really listen to her.
The worst part for me was that her Dad and I made HER home a scary place. A place she wanted to leave.
With three people in the house, this former single woman learned that there will be times when Amanda and/or my husband will make ME want to leave home. With different moods, different outside factors, different stresses of the day - we can't be cheery all the time. But we can always care about each other and respect when someone is down.
With our home's main foundation - of common consideration and most importantly, love and caring - our structure of peace and love, will remain strong and sturdy. Our roof may leak tears at times, but can easily be patched.
By the way, Amanda recovered in what I considered a record time. She made us a beautiful cake and a star for me. She's the shining star and I thank her for the lessons she teaches me.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Amanda and Max Part 2
The morning after the dog bite was discovered, I asked my husband, John, what he thought we should do.
Of course I wanted us to be on the same page: Max had to go. It was a no-brainer. Instead, I got:
"This is your house, your rules. Give him away! Let him dig a hole under the fence and run away. And we won't go find him."
I literally did one of those quick shakes of my head - as if my brain might get jiggled enough into comprehending what he just said. Ten seconds later, I calmly said: "No, I want to listen to what you have to say."
"You decide!" he answered in a highly agitated tone.
While John and I couldn't reasonably sort it out, Amanda went to work. She mentioned her Uncle Rod, the dog lover/firefighter/EMT/Physical fitness buff, who may take Max.
I quizzed Amanda about Max getting enough exercise, food and companionship. Rod's situation sounded like Doggie Nirvana:
1. Max would get companionship in a laid-back brother/dog named Ben.
2. Access to a fenced-in backyard, a covered porch and indoors in the evening.
3. Rod will take Max "everywhere".
4. Rod's neighbor takes care of the dogs when Rod is at the fire station.
5. Rod has been looking for a running companion. Hello Max!
6. Ben is fed well ("too well" according to Amanda); Max would not starve for food or attention.
All three of us cried at the thought of Max not being a member of our household. It was a tough, but necessary decision. Now, I know the tears would only be selfish.
Max has a shot at the kind of life that I would wish for any dog. And to think. . .it all happened because he followed a 15-year old home from school one day.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The Ballad of Amanda and Max
Call it serendipity, but when my husband called me at work to let me know a dog had followed my 15 year old stepdaughter home, I felt anything but pleasantly surprised. Especially when upon further inquisition, I found out that the dog was a pit bull.
Wisely, father and daughter got the dog acquainted to our fenced-in backyard first, before introducing him to our big-shot-only-child dachshund, Rex. Even though I'm my own boss, I have a sense of responsibility. So as soon as the clock turned to 4:55, I was outta there and racing home.
By that point, the dog was in the house and making himself fully comfortable and even greeting me. Well, someone had certainly taught the dog some manners.
Upon inspection, I saw that the dog did have that square strong jaw, but it wasn't as scary-looking as full-blooded pit bulls. He was obviously mixed with something else, but my only guess would have been Bambi - because he has gorgeous eye-liner around each wide, character-filled eye.
"You look in his face," Amanda said, "and you'll give him any and everything he wants."
Little did she know, she was also talking about herself. Why else would I even let a new animal into our house? Let's start with New Addition to our Family (July '09), my husband John's daughter, Amanda and the cat, Boots.
Amanda has no clue how irresistable she is and how she can tug on heartstrings. Not only would dogs follow her home, but anyone who meets her would want to become her pet! Long blonde curly hair, gorgeous white straight teeth and blue-ish eyes just mark the beginning of who she is. When she decided to move in with us - late one night, no notice - she was exactly like the dog. Happy, well-mannered and fit right in. I kept thinking how hard this must be for her - but she spread pure happiness with her delightful giggles and mere prescense. A teenager enhancing a household - this couldn't be!
When I introduced her to my tennis and Facebook friends, they were blown away, as was I. It's touchy with 'kids'. She had a humble shyness about her, yet contributed to adult conversation by truly listening to what the other person was saying.
When school began, we learned what classes she liked and what kids she was meeting. She babysat and excelled at school, bringing home straight 'A's on her report card. And she's an athletic girl.
Mainly, she follows household rules. . .there really aren't any. ..but she's awfully good to her Dad, me, and the dog and two cats. So, if she wanted a dog, we're giving her a dog. It was meant to be.
We did find the previous owner, who sadly said she could not keep the dog any longer. The owners before her were long gone. We estimated the dog's age to be about one year. He would need to be neutered and get his rabies shot first thing.
Initially, we kept the dog's previous name, Gordan, but it wouldn't roll off our tongues. We were calling him all sorts of names - from Roger to Grady - before John came up with the perfect name: Max. Amanda had easily assimilated a second name for him: Buddy.
Our dog was now Max and Buddy and he happily obliged by responding to both.
When Amanda would ask for 'rules' regarding Max or questions in general, I pretended that she had great respect for my doggie knowledge, since I used to head up "The USA Loves Dogs Club". But I know it's really because she wanted to avoid any problems with my micro-managing.
"Hard food or soft food in the morning," she asked.
Thoughtfully, I responded, "Hmmmm, I guess hard food, it will be like he's brushing his teeth!"
"Then I want some!" my husband happily chimed in.
House rules for the dog included that he needed to be exercised vigorously. This was an extraordinarily strong dog with boundless energy that needed to be released.
I gave Amanda enormous credit as she tried to walk the pulling dog, and staying consistent with her commands of "heel". The first and only time I "walked" Max, I caved way too easily and just decided to run (and almost kill myself when Max saw a squirrel). Amanda would stop only to rub his neck and tell him to stop choking himself.
"Well that wasn't too much fun," I said as we got home from the walk. Of course, my dachshund has no leash manners, because Mommy (the doggie know-it-all) didn't train him correctly.
I didn't realize that Amanda's head was working overtime. The next time we went for a walk, Amanda put on her helmut and let Max pull her on a skateboard. Rex and I followed them - running and laughing the whole way. I was a kid again and barely felt breathless as we felt free as the wind. Amanda gave Rex and Max the gift of exercise and me the priceless gift of youth.
At home, Max initially marked the house (who cares? tile floors) and got a hold of a couple of shoes. Big whoop. . it would teach me to pick up my shoes. Amanda was so thoughtful and considerate: "Well, we're going to get you new shoes!"
Rex had a new friend who played 'tug of war' with every toy in the house as well as every pair of socks I owned. And John finally had a dog that would greet him when he came home and go to him for love and attention. (Unlike the loyal dachshund breed, who has ONE owner - his mother.)
I felt that Amanda and John had their own deserved pet to really love them - and Max was the sweetest dog I had ever met. He was a lap dog with the most unbelieveable disposition and fun personality. On a cuteness factor of one to ten - this dog was an 11, and I have the photographs to prove it.
When Rex and Max would mouth and wrestle, I would snap a photo. Or scream for my husband to "GET THE CAMERA HONEY!!!"
John wrote on Max's collar: MAX FERGUSON and was making him a cart to pull that a person could ride in. He spent all day on that thing. (I was inside the house when I heard Amanda scream a bloodcurdling scream, which meant something went wrong with the cart. Thankfully, it was followed by even louder laughter.)
Then one night, Max and Rex were playing on the floor in front of the television, when the happy yelps of play turned into a full-blown scary-sounding dog fight. I slammed the newspaper in hopes of the smacking noise making them come to their senses and Amanda came rushing out of her room. John broke up the fight, by shoving Max with his foot away from Rex.
We all stood stunned and then I picked up Rex (who all of sudden went into "this is death" mode) to inspect him in the bedroom for any possible bite. I flipped him over and didn't even feel saliva on him. With his tail between his legs, when I told him he was alright - he flipped back over, jumped off the bed and ran back into the tv room.
Max was shaking like a leaf and went to curl up in a closet. Amanda soothed him.
The next day, Rex wasn't playing much at all with Max - even as Max assumed the play position. When we walked, I noticed he wasn't pulling as hard as usual. Of course, with so much going on in an adult's life outside of the household (!), I lazily justified it as Rex just needing a rest. He was five years old, after all. That evening, I found it. A bite mark, a deep puncture of a tooth mark on Rex's neck, right under his mouth.
What had happened that escalated the dog's play to turn to fighting? "They're like kids," my husband explained. "They'll fight over toys."
The thing is - Rex is all bark, no bite. Max bit. I didn't know how to tell Amanda. But when she came out of her room, she said: "It's probably just a hot spot." When I showed it to her, she said: "Ohhhhhh. . " Then she got some Bacitracin and rubbed it on Rex's wound.
She was being the adult. I was in total panic mode inside. We would have to give this dog up.
Without me even saying anything, Amanda seemed to know this would be the case.
"Look to see if Rex bit Max," I asked her. "That would be an equalizer." Of course, there was no mark on Max.
Rex had been a wonderful host to Max. He shared his toys, slept next to him, took turns with the snacks and let us pet and love Max. But Rex is the alpha dog and I believe something triggered Max into a fight. Because Rex has been here first, he should be able to establish dominance and be downright obnoxious (if that was the case), without getting bitten.
The next day, whenever Rex and Max started to play, Amanda and John would yell at them to stop. I explained to them that dogs SHOULD be able to play without getting yelled at. This wasn't a fair situation to either dog. Amanda said she was nervous and John felt that it could escalate into a fight again.
I wrote to my brother, who has no heart, but a head for logic, about the situation. He emailed back about the experiences he encountered when he was a deputy. The pitbull is a wonderful pet that in many instances cause no problems over a lifetime. But others, still have the inbred quality that can trigger a fight. Just like a dachshund has the innate need to dig for badgers! They were bred to fight and even centuries later, this has not been bred out of them. When they fight, they go for the jugular.
I researched further, coming across a website called the Dog Bite Law Center. They write that "typically 77% of injuries are by friendly dogs known to the bitten person. It is impossible to predict what might provoke a friendly dog to bite. It may be in pain, become panic-stricken, feel threatened, or any number of factors. . .some breeds have a genetic predisposition. . .
"The major problem is that they are frequently (94%) unprovoked."
I told my husband that I loved Max despite the fact that he bit Rex. It's nature. If a person did harm to Rex, I'd find them and KILL them. Easily. I thought of obedience training for Max and my husband videotaped Max and Rex during the day that showed that they slept all day long. Rex doesn't budge.
But when I was alone with the two of them and they started to play, I was nervous. It was too much responsibility. Amanda would possibly be a counselor at camp over the Summer and going off to college in a few years. Who knows when another trigger could go off.
We would need to find the RIGHT home for Max where he could get exercise, play freely and be loved. . . (Part Two coming soon)
Wisely, father and daughter got the dog acquainted to our fenced-in backyard first, before introducing him to our big-shot-only-child dachshund, Rex. Even though I'm my own boss, I have a sense of responsibility. So as soon as the clock turned to 4:55, I was outta there and racing home.
By that point, the dog was in the house and making himself fully comfortable and even greeting me. Well, someone had certainly taught the dog some manners.
Upon inspection, I saw that the dog did have that square strong jaw, but it wasn't as scary-looking as full-blooded pit bulls. He was obviously mixed with something else, but my only guess would have been Bambi - because he has gorgeous eye-liner around each wide, character-filled eye.
"You look in his face," Amanda said, "and you'll give him any and everything he wants."
Little did she know, she was also talking about herself. Why else would I even let a new animal into our house? Let's start with New Addition to our Family (July '09), my husband John's daughter, Amanda and the cat, Boots.
Amanda has no clue how irresistable she is and how she can tug on heartstrings. Not only would dogs follow her home, but anyone who meets her would want to become her pet! Long blonde curly hair, gorgeous white straight teeth and blue-ish eyes just mark the beginning of who she is. When she decided to move in with us - late one night, no notice - she was exactly like the dog. Happy, well-mannered and fit right in. I kept thinking how hard this must be for her - but she spread pure happiness with her delightful giggles and mere prescense. A teenager enhancing a household - this couldn't be!
When I introduced her to my tennis and Facebook friends, they were blown away, as was I. It's touchy with 'kids'. She had a humble shyness about her, yet contributed to adult conversation by truly listening to what the other person was saying.
When school began, we learned what classes she liked and what kids she was meeting. She babysat and excelled at school, bringing home straight 'A's on her report card. And she's an athletic girl.
Mainly, she follows household rules. . .there really aren't any. ..but she's awfully good to her Dad, me, and the dog and two cats. So, if she wanted a dog, we're giving her a dog. It was meant to be.
We did find the previous owner, who sadly said she could not keep the dog any longer. The owners before her were long gone. We estimated the dog's age to be about one year. He would need to be neutered and get his rabies shot first thing.
Initially, we kept the dog's previous name, Gordan, but it wouldn't roll off our tongues. We were calling him all sorts of names - from Roger to Grady - before John came up with the perfect name: Max. Amanda had easily assimilated a second name for him: Buddy.
Our dog was now Max and Buddy and he happily obliged by responding to both.
When Amanda would ask for 'rules' regarding Max or questions in general, I pretended that she had great respect for my doggie knowledge, since I used to head up "The USA Loves Dogs Club". But I know it's really because she wanted to avoid any problems with my micro-managing.
"Hard food or soft food in the morning," she asked.
Thoughtfully, I responded, "Hmmmm, I guess hard food, it will be like he's brushing his teeth!"
"Then I want some!" my husband happily chimed in.
House rules for the dog included that he needed to be exercised vigorously. This was an extraordinarily strong dog with boundless energy that needed to be released.
I gave Amanda enormous credit as she tried to walk the pulling dog, and staying consistent with her commands of "heel". The first and only time I "walked" Max, I caved way too easily and just decided to run (and almost kill myself when Max saw a squirrel). Amanda would stop only to rub his neck and tell him to stop choking himself.
"Well that wasn't too much fun," I said as we got home from the walk. Of course, my dachshund has no leash manners, because Mommy (the doggie know-it-all) didn't train him correctly.
I didn't realize that Amanda's head was working overtime. The next time we went for a walk, Amanda put on her helmut and let Max pull her on a skateboard. Rex and I followed them - running and laughing the whole way. I was a kid again and barely felt breathless as we felt free as the wind. Amanda gave Rex and Max the gift of exercise and me the priceless gift of youth.
At home, Max initially marked the house (who cares? tile floors) and got a hold of a couple of shoes. Big whoop. . it would teach me to pick up my shoes. Amanda was so thoughtful and considerate: "Well, we're going to get you new shoes!"
Rex had a new friend who played 'tug of war' with every toy in the house as well as every pair of socks I owned. And John finally had a dog that would greet him when he came home and go to him for love and attention. (Unlike the loyal dachshund breed, who has ONE owner - his mother.)
I felt that Amanda and John had their own deserved pet to really love them - and Max was the sweetest dog I had ever met. He was a lap dog with the most unbelieveable disposition and fun personality. On a cuteness factor of one to ten - this dog was an 11, and I have the photographs to prove it.
When Rex and Max would mouth and wrestle, I would snap a photo. Or scream for my husband to "GET THE CAMERA HONEY!!!"
John wrote on Max's collar: MAX FERGUSON and was making him a cart to pull that a person could ride in. He spent all day on that thing. (I was inside the house when I heard Amanda scream a bloodcurdling scream, which meant something went wrong with the cart. Thankfully, it was followed by even louder laughter.)
Then one night, Max and Rex were playing on the floor in front of the television, when the happy yelps of play turned into a full-blown scary-sounding dog fight. I slammed the newspaper in hopes of the smacking noise making them come to their senses and Amanda came rushing out of her room. John broke up the fight, by shoving Max with his foot away from Rex.
We all stood stunned and then I picked up Rex (who all of sudden went into "this is death" mode) to inspect him in the bedroom for any possible bite. I flipped him over and didn't even feel saliva on him. With his tail between his legs, when I told him he was alright - he flipped back over, jumped off the bed and ran back into the tv room.
Max was shaking like a leaf and went to curl up in a closet. Amanda soothed him.
The next day, Rex wasn't playing much at all with Max - even as Max assumed the play position. When we walked, I noticed he wasn't pulling as hard as usual. Of course, with so much going on in an adult's life outside of the household (!), I lazily justified it as Rex just needing a rest. He was five years old, after all. That evening, I found it. A bite mark, a deep puncture of a tooth mark on Rex's neck, right under his mouth.
What had happened that escalated the dog's play to turn to fighting? "They're like kids," my husband explained. "They'll fight over toys."
The thing is - Rex is all bark, no bite. Max bit. I didn't know how to tell Amanda. But when she came out of her room, she said: "It's probably just a hot spot." When I showed it to her, she said: "Ohhhhhh. . " Then she got some Bacitracin and rubbed it on Rex's wound.
She was being the adult. I was in total panic mode inside. We would have to give this dog up.
Without me even saying anything, Amanda seemed to know this would be the case.
"Look to see if Rex bit Max," I asked her. "That would be an equalizer." Of course, there was no mark on Max.
Rex had been a wonderful host to Max. He shared his toys, slept next to him, took turns with the snacks and let us pet and love Max. But Rex is the alpha dog and I believe something triggered Max into a fight. Because Rex has been here first, he should be able to establish dominance and be downright obnoxious (if that was the case), without getting bitten.
The next day, whenever Rex and Max started to play, Amanda and John would yell at them to stop. I explained to them that dogs SHOULD be able to play without getting yelled at. This wasn't a fair situation to either dog. Amanda said she was nervous and John felt that it could escalate into a fight again.
I wrote to my brother, who has no heart, but a head for logic, about the situation. He emailed back about the experiences he encountered when he was a deputy. The pitbull is a wonderful pet that in many instances cause no problems over a lifetime. But others, still have the inbred quality that can trigger a fight. Just like a dachshund has the innate need to dig for badgers! They were bred to fight and even centuries later, this has not been bred out of them. When they fight, they go for the jugular.
I researched further, coming across a website called the Dog Bite Law Center. They write that "typically 77% of injuries are by friendly dogs known to the bitten person. It is impossible to predict what might provoke a friendly dog to bite. It may be in pain, become panic-stricken, feel threatened, or any number of factors. . .some breeds have a genetic predisposition. . .
"The major problem is that they are frequently (94%) unprovoked."
I told my husband that I loved Max despite the fact that he bit Rex. It's nature. If a person did harm to Rex, I'd find them and KILL them. Easily. I thought of obedience training for Max and my husband videotaped Max and Rex during the day that showed that they slept all day long. Rex doesn't budge.
But when I was alone with the two of them and they started to play, I was nervous. It was too much responsibility. Amanda would possibly be a counselor at camp over the Summer and going off to college in a few years. Who knows when another trigger could go off.
We would need to find the RIGHT home for Max where he could get exercise, play freely and be loved. . . (Part Two coming soon)
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Bubbie's Survival Guide for Black Friday
We're all grownup's right? But that doesn't mean we're going to behave like adults during Black Friday (BF) shopping excursions.
BF reminds me a lot of dieting. You know how to 'budget' (money/calories), but we always manage to overdo it. In other ways, it's like going to a casino: there's the highs of the buys, but the crash of spending more than we intended.
Let's start with some very simple (and obvious) procedures to make this Black Friday a sunny yellow:
1. Write down on cardboard or a hardboard (that will still fit in your purse) who you're planning to buy a gift for and in what cash range you hope to spend.
The reason for the hard board rather than a piece of paper, is that it is more significant and holds more weight. And you won't lose it in your purse. You can pull it out and refer to the list or even hold it in your hand.
2. Be prepared for the following aggravations:
A. Switch and baits.
B. An item being out of stock
C. Unhelpful sales associates
D. Long lines (and)
E. Rude, self-involved/self-important people who will bump into you, cut in front of you
and make you feel completely insignificant.
First, to handle A - D, you chose to go shopping on BF. If you expect the inevitable, the situations will be easier to handle. Put things in perspective if you feel yourself getting hot under the collar. There are just as many people hitting up the shops as there are people who can't go shopping because they can't pay the mortgage.
To handle E - ughhhhh! I'm reminded of "Fried Green Tomatoes" when Kathy Bates just lost it in the parking lot with the two girls who stole her parking space. You will probably run into that as well as bubbleheads (note bubble not Bubbie) who yak loudly or text on their cellphones totally oblivious and inconsiderate to those around them. Say to yourself: Towanda! Or simply remember that karma is alive and kicking butts daily. Don't let it get you down, okay?
3. If you go too strict on yourself budget-wise, you could be setting yourself up to fail. So on your list, leave three blank spaces, with the intention of trying to use only one. These can be gifts for yourself or others. Sometimes there are unadvertised sales or a person you left off the list.
The key to happiness on BF is not to stick to your budget (that would be too good to be true, wouldn't it?), but to not crazily exceed it. The credit card balance and guilt would knock you down and keep you down well into 2010.
Treat BF like a day of luxury. You'll meet all kinds of people: from friendly to stressed to angry and rude SOB's. But now you're prepared. You can handle anything!
Please remember your independent retailers as well for any additional Christmas goodies.
Now go act like the grown-up's you are and don't forget a little something for the Bubbie in your life.
BF reminds me a lot of dieting. You know how to 'budget' (money/calories), but we always manage to overdo it. In other ways, it's like going to a casino: there's the highs of the buys, but the crash of spending more than we intended.
Let's start with some very simple (and obvious) procedures to make this Black Friday a sunny yellow:
1. Write down on cardboard or a hardboard (that will still fit in your purse) who you're planning to buy a gift for and in what cash range you hope to spend.
The reason for the hard board rather than a piece of paper, is that it is more significant and holds more weight. And you won't lose it in your purse. You can pull it out and refer to the list or even hold it in your hand.
2. Be prepared for the following aggravations:
A. Switch and baits.
B. An item being out of stock
C. Unhelpful sales associates
D. Long lines (and)
E. Rude, self-involved/self-important people who will bump into you, cut in front of you
and make you feel completely insignificant.
First, to handle A - D, you chose to go shopping on BF. If you expect the inevitable, the situations will be easier to handle. Put things in perspective if you feel yourself getting hot under the collar. There are just as many people hitting up the shops as there are people who can't go shopping because they can't pay the mortgage.
To handle E - ughhhhh! I'm reminded of "Fried Green Tomatoes" when Kathy Bates just lost it in the parking lot with the two girls who stole her parking space. You will probably run into that as well as bubbleheads (note bubble not Bubbie) who yak loudly or text on their cellphones totally oblivious and inconsiderate to those around them. Say to yourself: Towanda! Or simply remember that karma is alive and kicking butts daily. Don't let it get you down, okay?
3. If you go too strict on yourself budget-wise, you could be setting yourself up to fail. So on your list, leave three blank spaces, with the intention of trying to use only one. These can be gifts for yourself or others. Sometimes there are unadvertised sales or a person you left off the list.
The key to happiness on BF is not to stick to your budget (that would be too good to be true, wouldn't it?), but to not crazily exceed it. The credit card balance and guilt would knock you down and keep you down well into 2010.
Treat BF like a day of luxury. You'll meet all kinds of people: from friendly to stressed to angry and rude SOB's. But now you're prepared. You can handle anything!
Please remember your independent retailers as well for any additional Christmas goodies.
Now go act like the grown-up's you are and don't forget a little something for the Bubbie in your life.
You can find Dearbubbie on Facebook. Please feel free to submit wall posts that you think will inspire others. Humor is always good, right? If you have a question for dearbubbie, write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Dear Bubbie,
Not a question, but rather a comment based on your profile on Blogspot. I am not married and am 37 years old. I don't know how you managed to make it through the holiday season for so many years alone. I hate this time of year. There is nothing that will make me change my mind. The holiday crap starts so early every year that it feels like it will be forever for Christmas and New Year's to come and go.
It is EXTREMELY tough being alone.
Louise
P.S. I do have friends and I could go out on dates, but nobody floats my boat. I'd rather be alone than waste my time
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Louise,
Well, of course, I used to feel like you - except for worse. Once the New Year festivities were over with, there were all these advertisements for Valentine's Day! I needed February 14th to be over with before I could breathe again.
I'm not going to preach to you, because I don't think it is an easy time of year AND you didn't ask for my advice. But I'll tell you three things that may help the going get easier. Wait a minute. .four things:
1. Read the letter from "Another Holiday Stab in the Heart". Just because people are together for holidays doesn't make it great. In so many cases, it's just a huge cause for stress. Even when people travel, there's the hassle of packing and flying.
2. You can do whatever the heck you want (including cry!); eat whatever and however much you want to eat or not even eat at all!
3. Please do something a little out of the ordinary. One year I went to St. Armand's Circle (an outdoor shopping circle) and it was packed with people. I had tears in my eyes as I saw couples holding hands and then I saw HIM! Jerry Springer, the talk show host! He had bought one of my Mom's paintings and I reminded him of who I was and he remembered me. Tears gone - the rest of the day was great!
4. My best Thanksgiving as a single person happened when I told myself - this may BE the last Thanksgiving I get to be alone, so enjoy it for all its worth. Guess what? It was my last Thanksgiving alone. And the following one - with family - wasn't so great!
5. Oops - there's five?? You are very telling in your letter, Louise. You have friends you can be with? You could even have a date? You are CHOOSING to be alone, whether you realize it or not. So, it shows you do take comfort and contentment in it. It's great to have options.
Finally, you know what kind of changed the holiday blues for Bubbie? This is kind of mean. .I had dated a gorgeous, successful man and was boo-hoo'ing on my first Fourth of July without him (thinking I was missing out on barbecue and fun at the beach or on his boat).
Like Jerry Springer suddenly appeared, I saw him walking with his new girlfriend. He had gotten VERY fat and unhealthy looking. I thought of how much he drank (too much) and him stuffing his face with hot dogs and hamburgers and possibly even having his pretentious friends around. .and it was truly Independence Day for me!
Keep in touch, friend. And be thankful.
__________________________________________________________________
If you're on Facebook, look up our page Dearbubbie and join the community of Bubbies. For questions, write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com. Appointments are also available by calling: (941) 726-6928.
Not a question, but rather a comment based on your profile on Blogspot. I am not married and am 37 years old. I don't know how you managed to make it through the holiday season for so many years alone. I hate this time of year. There is nothing that will make me change my mind. The holiday crap starts so early every year that it feels like it will be forever for Christmas and New Year's to come and go.
It is EXTREMELY tough being alone.
Louise
P.S. I do have friends and I could go out on dates, but nobody floats my boat. I'd rather be alone than waste my time
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Louise,
Well, of course, I used to feel like you - except for worse. Once the New Year festivities were over with, there were all these advertisements for Valentine's Day! I needed February 14th to be over with before I could breathe again.
I'm not going to preach to you, because I don't think it is an easy time of year AND you didn't ask for my advice. But I'll tell you three things that may help the going get easier. Wait a minute. .four things:
1. Read the letter from "Another Holiday Stab in the Heart". Just because people are together for holidays doesn't make it great. In so many cases, it's just a huge cause for stress. Even when people travel, there's the hassle of packing and flying.
2. You can do whatever the heck you want (including cry!); eat whatever and however much you want to eat or not even eat at all!
3. Please do something a little out of the ordinary. One year I went to St. Armand's Circle (an outdoor shopping circle) and it was packed with people. I had tears in my eyes as I saw couples holding hands and then I saw HIM! Jerry Springer, the talk show host! He had bought one of my Mom's paintings and I reminded him of who I was and he remembered me. Tears gone - the rest of the day was great!
4. My best Thanksgiving as a single person happened when I told myself - this may BE the last Thanksgiving I get to be alone, so enjoy it for all its worth. Guess what? It was my last Thanksgiving alone. And the following one - with family - wasn't so great!
5. Oops - there's five?? You are very telling in your letter, Louise. You have friends you can be with? You could even have a date? You are CHOOSING to be alone, whether you realize it or not. So, it shows you do take comfort and contentment in it. It's great to have options.
Finally, you know what kind of changed the holiday blues for Bubbie? This is kind of mean. .I had dated a gorgeous, successful man and was boo-hoo'ing on my first Fourth of July without him (thinking I was missing out on barbecue and fun at the beach or on his boat).
Like Jerry Springer suddenly appeared, I saw him walking with his new girlfriend. He had gotten VERY fat and unhealthy looking. I thought of how much he drank (too much) and him stuffing his face with hot dogs and hamburgers and possibly even having his pretentious friends around. .and it was truly Independence Day for me!
Keep in touch, friend. And be thankful.
__________________________________________________________________
If you're on Facebook, look up our page Dearbubbie and join the community of Bubbies. For questions, write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com. Appointments are also available by calling: (941) 726-6928.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The Journey in Trying
When my friend was keeping a secret 'under her hat' from me (Her best friend! Her Bubbie!), I have to admit - I was hurt. No, she doesn't have to tell me everything, but what was going on that she felt she couldn't tell me?
Turns out she went to an International Nanny Headhunting Agency and was being considered for a temporary position. "I didn't want you to be disappointed or get too excited if things didn't work out," she explained.
What she didn't understand is that I am such a fan of people who even attempt things outside their comfort zone. It takes courage to go out for a new sport, audition for a role in a play or interview for a job. The end result isn't what matters - but what we gain from the journey along the way.
Throughout my many attempts, I had seen myself as a failure. When my music career ended without fame, fortune or fanfare - it took years and years to realize that my record got airplay on radio stations across the country. How many people can say that? My years of trying to make it in the music biz, resulted in a manuscript entitled: "WLAQ/Q-102, May I Help You?". That resulted in me feeling like a failure when I got rejection letter after rejection letter from literary agents. That is until one started with: "Dear Author". Author? Me? That's when I discovered that at least I had finished a manuscript and had something to present to them - awful as it was/is.
I had started a dog lover's club in Atlanta, but as it expanded into The USA Loves Dogs Club, it became too much for me. I published The Doggone Good Times, did national bulk mail, had an '800' number and was driving myself into debt. I ended up selling the whole doggone thing to "Good Dog Magazine" for something like $200.00. The thing is - our club did a lot of good and people enjoyed the outings with their dogs.
My whole life has been about working hard, paying dues and going for it. Interesting that I wasn't rewarded with the desired end result, but always with something much better. I've never felt so alive when I was reaching for what turned out to be unattainable goals.
When fate handed me the opportunity to go it alone with picture framing, I found a freedom in really getting to know my customers one-on-one. I wasn't raking in the money, which was an objective, but I was making a connection with people. They sit at the design table, sipping coffee or water, and we talk. I decided to fix up one lonely customer, who I totally adored. Within months - he married the woman I introduced him to - and DearBubbie became a side business.
Will Bubbie succeed? Who knows? But what I've learned through all my 'tries', it that it's been an exhilarating ride. I've learned not to get my hopes up, but just take a chance or two as I step outside the comfort zone into yet another chapter.
We all only have one life to live.
So whether it's asking a certain somebody out on a date or starting over in a new career - it's a victory to just not be sitting on the sidelines. As for my friend who is awaiting word from the Nanny Agency.. .she's already a winner and Bubbie is very proud of her.
Have a question for DearBubbie? Become a DearBubbie Fan on Facebook or write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com.
Turns out she went to an International Nanny Headhunting Agency and was being considered for a temporary position. "I didn't want you to be disappointed or get too excited if things didn't work out," she explained.
What she didn't understand is that I am such a fan of people who even attempt things outside their comfort zone. It takes courage to go out for a new sport, audition for a role in a play or interview for a job. The end result isn't what matters - but what we gain from the journey along the way.
Throughout my many attempts, I had seen myself as a failure. When my music career ended without fame, fortune or fanfare - it took years and years to realize that my record got airplay on radio stations across the country. How many people can say that? My years of trying to make it in the music biz, resulted in a manuscript entitled: "WLAQ/Q-102, May I Help You?". That resulted in me feeling like a failure when I got rejection letter after rejection letter from literary agents. That is until one started with: "Dear Author". Author? Me? That's when I discovered that at least I had finished a manuscript and had something to present to them - awful as it was/is.
I had started a dog lover's club in Atlanta, but as it expanded into The USA Loves Dogs Club, it became too much for me. I published The Doggone Good Times, did national bulk mail, had an '800' number and was driving myself into debt. I ended up selling the whole doggone thing to "Good Dog Magazine" for something like $200.00. The thing is - our club did a lot of good and people enjoyed the outings with their dogs.
My whole life has been about working hard, paying dues and going for it. Interesting that I wasn't rewarded with the desired end result, but always with something much better. I've never felt so alive when I was reaching for what turned out to be unattainable goals.
When fate handed me the opportunity to go it alone with picture framing, I found a freedom in really getting to know my customers one-on-one. I wasn't raking in the money, which was an objective, but I was making a connection with people. They sit at the design table, sipping coffee or water, and we talk. I decided to fix up one lonely customer, who I totally adored. Within months - he married the woman I introduced him to - and DearBubbie became a side business.
Will Bubbie succeed? Who knows? But what I've learned through all my 'tries', it that it's been an exhilarating ride. I've learned not to get my hopes up, but just take a chance or two as I step outside the comfort zone into yet another chapter.
We all only have one life to live.
So whether it's asking a certain somebody out on a date or starting over in a new career - it's a victory to just not be sitting on the sidelines. As for my friend who is awaiting word from the Nanny Agency.. .she's already a winner and Bubbie is very proud of her.
Have a question for DearBubbie? Become a DearBubbie Fan on Facebook or write to: dearbubbie@yahoo.com.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Another Holiday Stab in the Heart
Dear Readers:
The holidays are such a double-edged sword - a blessing and such a curse.
A compassionate person can't help but think of those less fortunate as they sit down to a beautiful Thanksgiving table, with an incredible bounty of food. Some people, bless them, do volunteering at the local food banks and Salvation Army.
Some elderly parents are disappointed that their married child is spending the holiday's with the other spouse's parents rather than them.
Or it could be a young child of divorce who makes the difficult choice of spending the holidays with one parent over another.
In one particular case, a woman is upset that her grown children have chosen to stay with their father for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. She is the one who raised the children and made sure birthdays were special, while the kids would be lucky if they even heard from their Dad.
The explanation is logical and reasonable. .the father lives within driving distance while Mom is on the other coast. Yet, how can can she reconcile her hurt feelings that she will be alone - while they will all celebrate together?
How does one NOT feel hurt by what feels like a slight - even though logically, we know it isn't.
One person already told her that there is a more important plan for her than spending that time with her children. I like to think that as well. But what can we advise her so that she doesn't blame her children - or worse, herself? How can we help her make it through the holidays with contentment and peace?
Love,
Bubbie
The holidays are such a double-edged sword - a blessing and such a curse.
A compassionate person can't help but think of those less fortunate as they sit down to a beautiful Thanksgiving table, with an incredible bounty of food. Some people, bless them, do volunteering at the local food banks and Salvation Army.
Some elderly parents are disappointed that their married child is spending the holiday's with the other spouse's parents rather than them.
Or it could be a young child of divorce who makes the difficult choice of spending the holidays with one parent over another.
In one particular case, a woman is upset that her grown children have chosen to stay with their father for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. She is the one who raised the children and made sure birthdays were special, while the kids would be lucky if they even heard from their Dad.
The explanation is logical and reasonable. .the father lives within driving distance while Mom is on the other coast. Yet, how can can she reconcile her hurt feelings that she will be alone - while they will all celebrate together?
How does one NOT feel hurt by what feels like a slight - even though logically, we know it isn't.
One person already told her that there is a more important plan for her than spending that time with her children. I like to think that as well. But what can we advise her so that she doesn't blame her children - or worse, herself? How can we help her make it through the holidays with contentment and peace?
Love,
Bubbie
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Welcome To Dear Bubbie
For those new to this 'spot', we're a community trying to assist others with common sense solutions to everyday relatable issues. We always welcome your comments.
If you have a question, please write to dearbubbie@yahoo.com
With love,
Bubbie
If you have a question, please write to dearbubbie@yahoo.com
With love,
Bubbie
Menopausal Behaviors Disrupt Loving Home
Got a problem that you'd like some input on? Write to dearbubbie@yahoo.com
Dear Bubbie,
This stinks. I've been married to a great man for over 20 years - and I feel I'm getting away with behavior that is unacceptable! I am taking his love for granted, no doubt.
I've been going through menopause and my moods have been extreme. When I'm down, I actually get on the verge of tears. Sometimes little things - really minor things - work me into a tizzy.
I apologize to my husband, who is very understanding, but he shouldn't have to put up with my unpredictability. There is no justification for my explosions - no rhyme or reason - but at the time, I just meltdown.
I love my husband. He deserves better. What can I do?
Sandra
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sandra,
You and I have had several e-mail exchanges and you expressed to me that while you're "short on patience" in some cases, you're still nice to everyone else. It's your husband that is getting the brunt of your 'releases'.
Exercise: Visualize that you and your husband are on the same football team - same shirts. (Pick a team color! Fuchsia!) No matter how irritated you feel towards him (in the same manner a running end may be annoyed at his quarterback), you two MUST support each other.
It's a good thing, Sandra, that you recognize you're taking your mood swings out on the one who you can 'get away with' being not nice to. And, I'm glad you don't have self-hate yourself for this behavior or blame him. Some of it is controllable, but it is wacky hormones as well.
Since we know I'm NOT a doctor, I'd like for you to Google Menopause Mood Swings. What you are looking for is an easy-to-read article that explains that your mood swings are indeed physiological and driven by hormones. Print it out, draw hearts on it (I'm big on personalization!), and ask your husband to read it. Thank him for being a supportive teammate throughout this stage of your life.
There are also support groups online that may offer great suggestions. (Always use your common sense.)
You also mentioned that you are having difficulty sleeping for more than three hours a night. Why don't you want to see a doctor? You can listen to what he/she has to say, but you're not forced to act upon it. I know there can be doom and gloom associated with visits, but just keep the information that they have been educated with and keep that in your back pocket.
There are numerous books to buy online or at the bookstore or even at the library. Some women tout Suzanne Somers; but Bubbie says: Do what you feel comfortable doing. Follow YOUR gut.
Finally, I suggest you also research natural ways - from foods to herbs - that can alleviate anything from the mood swings to hot flashes. Go to your local health food store and research online. Talk to any other friends who are going through this time of life.
Instead of tackling your teammate and taking him down with you - go off by yourself for a walk or exercise and get it out of your system that way. We live in modern times and there's no need for you or your husband to suffer through this. Best to you, my dear Sandra. (By the way, you sound like a wonderful wife. Don't beat yourself up.)
Love,
Bubbie
Dear Bubbie,
This stinks. I've been married to a great man for over 20 years - and I feel I'm getting away with behavior that is unacceptable! I am taking his love for granted, no doubt.
I've been going through menopause and my moods have been extreme. When I'm down, I actually get on the verge of tears. Sometimes little things - really minor things - work me into a tizzy.
I apologize to my husband, who is very understanding, but he shouldn't have to put up with my unpredictability. There is no justification for my explosions - no rhyme or reason - but at the time, I just meltdown.
I love my husband. He deserves better. What can I do?
Sandra
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sandra,
You and I have had several e-mail exchanges and you expressed to me that while you're "short on patience" in some cases, you're still nice to everyone else. It's your husband that is getting the brunt of your 'releases'.
Exercise: Visualize that you and your husband are on the same football team - same shirts. (Pick a team color! Fuchsia!) No matter how irritated you feel towards him (in the same manner a running end may be annoyed at his quarterback), you two MUST support each other.
It's a good thing, Sandra, that you recognize you're taking your mood swings out on the one who you can 'get away with' being not nice to. And, I'm glad you don't have self-hate yourself for this behavior or blame him. Some of it is controllable, but it is wacky hormones as well.
Since we know I'm NOT a doctor, I'd like for you to Google Menopause Mood Swings. What you are looking for is an easy-to-read article that explains that your mood swings are indeed physiological and driven by hormones. Print it out, draw hearts on it (I'm big on personalization!), and ask your husband to read it. Thank him for being a supportive teammate throughout this stage of your life.
There are also support groups online that may offer great suggestions. (Always use your common sense.)
You also mentioned that you are having difficulty sleeping for more than three hours a night. Why don't you want to see a doctor? You can listen to what he/she has to say, but you're not forced to act upon it. I know there can be doom and gloom associated with visits, but just keep the information that they have been educated with and keep that in your back pocket.
There are numerous books to buy online or at the bookstore or even at the library. Some women tout Suzanne Somers; but Bubbie says: Do what you feel comfortable doing. Follow YOUR gut.
Finally, I suggest you also research natural ways - from foods to herbs - that can alleviate anything from the mood swings to hot flashes. Go to your local health food store and research online. Talk to any other friends who are going through this time of life.
Instead of tackling your teammate and taking him down with you - go off by yourself for a walk or exercise and get it out of your system that way. We live in modern times and there's no need for you or your husband to suffer through this. Best to you, my dear Sandra. (By the way, you sound like a wonderful wife. Don't beat yourself up.)
Love,
Bubbie
Dreading the Holidays
Dear Bubbie,
I knew when I married my husband that his family came first - meaning his three horrible brothers. When they come for visits (which is often), they take over the house. I am the fifth wheel. Ignored. Disregarded. Tolerated. I am the outsider in my own home.
I love my husband and this is a tricky situation, because it's the only time he won't bend. Over time (three years), my resentment has grown to such an extent that I totally dread Thanksgiving. And December, because who knows who is going to tell us they're going to be at our house for Christmas.
Can anything be done to help me through this?
Signed,
Losing It
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Losing It,
I'm sure you have peacefully and calmly tried talking to your husband at a 'good' time for him (timing is everything). If you haven't, you must let him know - in a nice tone of voice - that YOU - not his brothers - are the #1 Family Priority. You shouldn't have to be subjected to rude, obnoxious behavior by anyone in your house - let alone your husband's relatives.
If possible, try to take the compromising route on both sides.
Write down the things about the visits that disturb you the most. See if hubby will alleviate any of your aggravations with fixable solutions. If he agrees - make a colorful poster, hang it in the bedroom with the new set of boundaries. (This way, he can't say he forgot or it wasn't mentioned.) Make sure you include on the poster: "I love you" or "You're My Hero" or "Thank You" with hearts.
If there's no compromise on his part, you could do what my friend, Cindy does. . .
When her husband's family is in town, she actually gets a motel room. It sounds awful to be chased out of your own home, but she looks at it as an opportunity for her own vacation. She said she doesn't want to see her home taken over, so since she can't change it - this is what works for her.
If you can't afford a motel, then just do a day trip or spend the day with your family/friends.
I know you didn't get married to spend the holidays without your husband. But, I wouldn't make my life miserable either by tolerating bad treatment during the holidays. If hubby doesn't compromise - it doesn't say much for the relationship if he chooses to spend the day with his brothers over you. Don't cook for them or clean up after them.
Try to continue to be loving throughout the entire dialogue instead of angry at him. Perhaps he'll 'hear' you better. Good luck and I hope somehow there is a happier turkey day awaiting you.
Love,
Bubbie
I knew when I married my husband that his family came first - meaning his three horrible brothers. When they come for visits (which is often), they take over the house. I am the fifth wheel. Ignored. Disregarded. Tolerated. I am the outsider in my own home.
I love my husband and this is a tricky situation, because it's the only time he won't bend. Over time (three years), my resentment has grown to such an extent that I totally dread Thanksgiving. And December, because who knows who is going to tell us they're going to be at our house for Christmas.
Can anything be done to help me through this?
Signed,
Losing It
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Losing It,
I'm sure you have peacefully and calmly tried talking to your husband at a 'good' time for him (timing is everything). If you haven't, you must let him know - in a nice tone of voice - that YOU - not his brothers - are the #1 Family Priority. You shouldn't have to be subjected to rude, obnoxious behavior by anyone in your house - let alone your husband's relatives.
If possible, try to take the compromising route on both sides.
Write down the things about the visits that disturb you the most. See if hubby will alleviate any of your aggravations with fixable solutions. If he agrees - make a colorful poster, hang it in the bedroom with the new set of boundaries. (This way, he can't say he forgot or it wasn't mentioned.) Make sure you include on the poster: "I love you" or "You're My Hero" or "Thank You" with hearts.
If there's no compromise on his part, you could do what my friend, Cindy does. . .
When her husband's family is in town, she actually gets a motel room. It sounds awful to be chased out of your own home, but she looks at it as an opportunity for her own vacation. She said she doesn't want to see her home taken over, so since she can't change it - this is what works for her.
If you can't afford a motel, then just do a day trip or spend the day with your family/friends.
I know you didn't get married to spend the holidays without your husband. But, I wouldn't make my life miserable either by tolerating bad treatment during the holidays. If hubby doesn't compromise - it doesn't say much for the relationship if he chooses to spend the day with his brothers over you. Don't cook for them or clean up after them.
Try to continue to be loving throughout the entire dialogue instead of angry at him. Perhaps he'll 'hear' you better. Good luck and I hope somehow there is a happier turkey day awaiting you.
Love,
Bubbie
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Flash 55 - The Transition of Hope
Hope became a splinter that annoyingly, unsympathetically hides beneath layers of skin.
What once gave excitement is now just a constant reminder of pain that can't be completely extracted.
Not yet.
Too many years have been invested, drop by soul-baring drop in increments ranging from dread to anticipation.
Time to give up.
No. Not yet.
What once gave excitement is now just a constant reminder of pain that can't be completely extracted.
Not yet.
Too many years have been invested, drop by soul-baring drop in increments ranging from dread to anticipation.
Time to give up.
No. Not yet.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Flash 55
Sensory Overload!
Louise absolutely loves it.
DingDingDing Blinding Blinking Flashing Neon
Bells Whistles 7's Aces Diamonds Wheel of Fortune People
She sticks the first quarter in.
She's ahead! She's behind!
The slots tease her into a false hope of financial freedom.
Heading home, she wonders what she'll tell her husband.
Louise absolutely hates it.
Louise absolutely loves it.
DingDingDing Blinding Blinking Flashing Neon
Bells Whistles 7's Aces Diamonds Wheel of Fortune People
She sticks the first quarter in.
She's ahead! She's behind!
The slots tease her into a false hope of financial freedom.
Heading home, she wonders what she'll tell her husband.
Louise absolutely hates it.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Powerful Ex Has Taken her Child
This came via Dearbubbie@yahoo.com. Your input is welcome.
Dear Bubbie,
My ex, a powerful man in our community hurt me while we were still married. I pressed charges and it made the newspapers. Of course, we divorced shortly thereafter.
He is cruel, spiteful and revengeful and has literally stolen my child, Bobby, away from me.
Because he is a multi-millionaire, he has basically bankrupted me as I've run out of money trying to fight for my child back. Last December, right before we went to court, my lawyer QUIT (because I wouldn't hand over custody) and I was forced to represent myself. It was a snowy miserable day and right before I went into court, a truck sped by my parked car - getting dirty, salty snow all over my nylons and skirt.
Because custody is a personal matter (right?) and no one's business, I had no one with me.
He shows up with his entire family (they're like the Kennedy clan); business associates and their wives; and friends that filled up his half of the courtroom.
I was there alone...and his attorney mentioned that, too. Well, Ms. Attorney bitch, my father has dementia and my mother is dead. My only sibling lives across the country and my closest friends WORK. I didn't think I needed to burden them with a public lynching! My ex on the other hand, gave out tickets for the horror show. It was unbelievable and probably like watching something at the Roman Coliseum, for a full day of testimony. One day, Bobby will want to beat the shit out of his father for putting me through that. I just know it. I did not deserve what happened, nor does my child.
Bubbie, I haven't spoken one word to my son since Sept. 19th. He has legally stolen him from me and I can't afford to do a damn thing about it. I still owe my former attorney $9,000. I lost my house after threats of foreclosure last June before it became popular to do so. I'm not crying victim, it's just that this man has made it his mission to ruin me. He wouldn't cross the street to piss on me if I was on fire.
I think I'll go to free legal aide. It isn't easy being me.
Margaret
Dear Margaret,
You are right. It isn't easy being you right now. But that can all change in the blink of an eye. God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I googled your town and came across the newspaper article when your then-husband did strike you. I'm sure your town was shocked by what goes on behind closed doors.
Try writing to some local or near-by attorneys and see if they'll take your case pro-bono. I hope that's the right term. Perhaps they can collect legal fees from the "other party" since he seems to be dragging it on. Ask if you can do some payment plans, even. Do you have any friends that have lawyers for friends who can help you? Contacts do help.
As for not talking to your child. . doesn't he have a cellphone? Is he on any kind of social network? The fact that you can not speak to your child will NOT BODE WELL for your ex in any future hearing. This is not good for the child.
The courtroom situation that you described - it sounds like you could almost suffer from Post Traumatic Stress after such a happening! So, I want you to know that you're not alone in something like that. Look at Heather Mills and Paul McCartney. (Who knows the true story there, but you are NOT alone.) I think a judge would have sympathy for the situation you described above. . the former rich powerful husband and the people with the mentality of "choosing sides" with the person they think will benefit them the most. It's a horrible picture of David vs. Goliath and the way you envision it is NOT the way the judge saw it.
Think of a movie you would watch, Margaret. Wouldn't you be rooting for the woman standing alone? In that room it was mob mentality. In a book or movie, you're the real hero. Living through something like that can bring tears to your eyes - so you must see if from a different viewpoint and applaud wildly for yourself. Okay? That was a surreal experience that's in the PAST.
Please keep records of everything and be prepared with a list or what's happening and questions for your new attorney. By the way, I hope the NEW WIFE has her ducks in a row. She's next. .and the situation could drive them apart.
You're good to go. You don't have the abusive husband anymore. Now with the RIGHT lawyer, you'll get your child back. Please keep us all posted about communication with your child. HANG IN.
Love,
Bubbie
Dear Bubbie,
My ex, a powerful man in our community hurt me while we were still married. I pressed charges and it made the newspapers. Of course, we divorced shortly thereafter.
He is cruel, spiteful and revengeful and has literally stolen my child, Bobby, away from me.
Because he is a multi-millionaire, he has basically bankrupted me as I've run out of money trying to fight for my child back. Last December, right before we went to court, my lawyer QUIT (because I wouldn't hand over custody) and I was forced to represent myself. It was a snowy miserable day and right before I went into court, a truck sped by my parked car - getting dirty, salty snow all over my nylons and skirt.
Because custody is a personal matter (right?) and no one's business, I had no one with me.
He shows up with his entire family (they're like the Kennedy clan); business associates and their wives; and friends that filled up his half of the courtroom.
I was there alone...and his attorney mentioned that, too. Well, Ms. Attorney bitch, my father has dementia and my mother is dead. My only sibling lives across the country and my closest friends WORK. I didn't think I needed to burden them with a public lynching! My ex on the other hand, gave out tickets for the horror show. It was unbelievable and probably like watching something at the Roman Coliseum, for a full day of testimony. One day, Bobby will want to beat the shit out of his father for putting me through that. I just know it. I did not deserve what happened, nor does my child.
Bubbie, I haven't spoken one word to my son since Sept. 19th. He has legally stolen him from me and I can't afford to do a damn thing about it. I still owe my former attorney $9,000. I lost my house after threats of foreclosure last June before it became popular to do so. I'm not crying victim, it's just that this man has made it his mission to ruin me. He wouldn't cross the street to piss on me if I was on fire.
I think I'll go to free legal aide. It isn't easy being me.
Margaret
Dear Margaret,
You are right. It isn't easy being you right now. But that can all change in the blink of an eye. God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I googled your town and came across the newspaper article when your then-husband did strike you. I'm sure your town was shocked by what goes on behind closed doors.
Try writing to some local or near-by attorneys and see if they'll take your case pro-bono. I hope that's the right term. Perhaps they can collect legal fees from the "other party" since he seems to be dragging it on. Ask if you can do some payment plans, even. Do you have any friends that have lawyers for friends who can help you? Contacts do help.
As for not talking to your child. . doesn't he have a cellphone? Is he on any kind of social network? The fact that you can not speak to your child will NOT BODE WELL for your ex in any future hearing. This is not good for the child.
The courtroom situation that you described - it sounds like you could almost suffer from Post Traumatic Stress after such a happening! So, I want you to know that you're not alone in something like that. Look at Heather Mills and Paul McCartney. (Who knows the true story there, but you are NOT alone.) I think a judge would have sympathy for the situation you described above. . the former rich powerful husband and the people with the mentality of "choosing sides" with the person they think will benefit them the most. It's a horrible picture of David vs. Goliath and the way you envision it is NOT the way the judge saw it.
Think of a movie you would watch, Margaret. Wouldn't you be rooting for the woman standing alone? In that room it was mob mentality. In a book or movie, you're the real hero. Living through something like that can bring tears to your eyes - so you must see if from a different viewpoint and applaud wildly for yourself. Okay? That was a surreal experience that's in the PAST.
Please keep records of everything and be prepared with a list or what's happening and questions for your new attorney. By the way, I hope the NEW WIFE has her ducks in a row. She's next. .and the situation could drive them apart.
You're good to go. You don't have the abusive husband anymore. Now with the RIGHT lawyer, you'll get your child back. Please keep us all posted about communication with your child. HANG IN.
Love,
Bubbie
He's Awful, But I Love Him Follow-Up
Dear Bubbie,
Thanks for asking for a follow-up. I did leave him. . .again. . .
I reread every one's comments for strength. I felt like a I had people 'out there' caring about me. I didn't want to let you or them down. By the way, is there a way for me to thank them??
Anyway, I was keeping dibs on him. Do you know - within ONE week, he is actually NOW seeing an acquaintance of mine?
I feel betrayed, Bubbie, by her. But good luck to her. (Welcome to HELL, Katie.) Now she is stuck with his problems.
Honestly? I almost felt like I was having an out-of-body experience when I heard the news. I did cry. I was numb.
Then a light bulb went off. I feel so fortunate he could date someone so soon, because now I know I'll never go back. I am so disgusted by him.
If I feel myself slipping, I'm going to think of his fat belly and dirty belly button and her touching it! Ick!
I'll sign this,
Finally free,
Jenny
Dear Jenny,
You know that you had me laughing at your letter. Nothing like having a visual to get over someone! You are going to be fine. You're a smart girl. Keep in touch. And have MANY a Happy Sunday!
Thanks for asking for a follow-up. I did leave him. . .again. . .
I reread every one's comments for strength. I felt like a I had people 'out there' caring about me. I didn't want to let you or them down. By the way, is there a way for me to thank them??
Anyway, I was keeping dibs on him. Do you know - within ONE week, he is actually NOW seeing an acquaintance of mine?
I feel betrayed, Bubbie, by her. But good luck to her. (Welcome to HELL, Katie.) Now she is stuck with his problems.
Honestly? I almost felt like I was having an out-of-body experience when I heard the news. I did cry. I was numb.
Then a light bulb went off. I feel so fortunate he could date someone so soon, because now I know I'll never go back. I am so disgusted by him.
If I feel myself slipping, I'm going to think of his fat belly and dirty belly button and her touching it! Ick!
I'll sign this,
Finally free,
Jenny
Dear Jenny,
You know that you had me laughing at your letter. Nothing like having a visual to get over someone! You are going to be fine. You're a smart girl. Keep in touch. And have MANY a Happy Sunday!
Follow-up from Cindy Replies!
Dear Bubbie,
I'm sorry I never did make an appointment with you. Maybe one day I will. While I appreciate your good advice and Nessa and Monkey Man's (Monkey Man???) input, I didn't keep my resolve. My boyfriend promised me that he and Joan are just friends and I don't have proof. Yes, I'm suspicious, but I need actual proof.
It didn't make sense to me to stay away from someone I want to be with. And he wants to be with me. He was so sad when I broke it off with him. I know it's not the ideal situation, but I'm going to stay with him until I meet someone better.
Cindy
Dear Cindy,
We're all made up differently so don't beat yourself up. Hire a private detective if you need to see 'proof'. But remember, we believe it's a trust issue and a lack of respect towards you that he doesn't honor your requests regarding Joan. Something to remember Cindy. . .life is short. I think when people have regrets over relationships - it's that they stayed too long. Wasted too much time. I hate to see you being played for a fool.
I hate to say, but I get the feeling that you think you deserve this. You're comfortable in this relationship because you're too afraid of the unknown. When the time is right for you, then you'll take off the blinders and go clearly into the future. Don't give up trying to break it off. . .it's like dieting. .sometimes the first time doesn't take! Good luck, Cindy.
I'm sorry I never did make an appointment with you. Maybe one day I will. While I appreciate your good advice and Nessa and Monkey Man's (Monkey Man???) input, I didn't keep my resolve. My boyfriend promised me that he and Joan are just friends and I don't have proof. Yes, I'm suspicious, but I need actual proof.
It didn't make sense to me to stay away from someone I want to be with. And he wants to be with me. He was so sad when I broke it off with him. I know it's not the ideal situation, but I'm going to stay with him until I meet someone better.
Cindy
Dear Cindy,
We're all made up differently so don't beat yourself up. Hire a private detective if you need to see 'proof'. But remember, we believe it's a trust issue and a lack of respect towards you that he doesn't honor your requests regarding Joan. Something to remember Cindy. . .life is short. I think when people have regrets over relationships - it's that they stayed too long. Wasted too much time. I hate to see you being played for a fool.
I hate to say, but I get the feeling that you think you deserve this. You're comfortable in this relationship because you're too afraid of the unknown. When the time is right for you, then you'll take off the blinders and go clearly into the future. Don't give up trying to break it off. . .it's like dieting. .sometimes the first time doesn't take! Good luck, Cindy.
Follow-up From Sept. "I TOLD YOU SO"
We requested a follow-up from Sid, who initially wrote to us that he wanted to break up with his girlfriend, but was scared of the "I told you so's" that were bound to follow. He writes:
Dear Bubbie:
Here's the follow-up you requested. The day I read your response, I broke up with my girlfriend. I had been practicing in my head for weeks.
Not ONE person said, "I told you so." Instead, I got sympathetic nods.
It turns out she WAS a psycho woman. She seemed to handle the break-up well and then she started texting me like 20 times a day. I'm not exaggerating. It's been a week since I've heard from her, so I hope she's moved on. Man, everyone was right!
Sid
Dear Sid,
I think it's always a 'red flag' when people you are close to don't care for your choice of future girlfriend. It's important not to get too involved to begin with, or try to prove them wrong from the get-go. As for her being a psycho-woman - you didn't elaborate, so I'll take your word for it. But do cut your ex some slack. The broken heart can do some pretty unreasonable things. Glad you did make the cut for both your sake's.
Bubbie
Dear Bubbie:
Here's the follow-up you requested. The day I read your response, I broke up with my girlfriend. I had been practicing in my head for weeks.
Not ONE person said, "I told you so." Instead, I got sympathetic nods.
It turns out she WAS a psycho woman. She seemed to handle the break-up well and then she started texting me like 20 times a day. I'm not exaggerating. It's been a week since I've heard from her, so I hope she's moved on. Man, everyone was right!
Sid
Dear Sid,
I think it's always a 'red flag' when people you are close to don't care for your choice of future girlfriend. It's important not to get too involved to begin with, or try to prove them wrong from the get-go. As for her being a psycho-woman - you didn't elaborate, so I'll take your word for it. But do cut your ex some slack. The broken heart can do some pretty unreasonable things. Glad you did make the cut for both your sake's.
Bubbie
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
He's Awful - But She Loves Him
Dear Bubbie,
My soon-t0-be-ex (again) is fat, selfish, has no money, complains about EVERYTHING and has no motivation to change his life.
We have been together almost two years and we've already broken up six times. According to him, each time it's been my fault. During the last break-up, I did sleep with someone he knows. Not a close friend, but a man who he sees on occasion for work.
Now HE says he will never get over my sleeping with someone else - even though I have begged for his forgiveness. (We weren't 'a couple' when it happened!!!!)
As for him, he dated during our break-ups and did everything I wanted to do with him when we were together (but he never did). He always said it was his finances or it's his only day off, he's tired. Even trying to get him to go on hiking with me was like dragging a kid to the dentist.
My question for you, Bubbie is: Why won't he forgive my one lapse that happened while we were broken up? And why won't he commit to me, even though I know he cares. He says he loves me every day. I know I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him and he'll never get anyone like me again. I'm willing to overlook his shortcomings, why won't he overlook mine?
Love,
Jenny
_________________________________________________________________
Dear Jenny,
Let's face it, you may think you 'love' him, but I think in time, you'll find that you didn't even really like him that much - despite good qualities. By the way, you failed to mention any good qualities in your letter, but I'm sure he has some or else you wouldn't be with him, right?
Overall, I say you definitely 'dodged a bullet' and you are one very lucky woman. Thank goodness, he doesn't want to commit, or you'll spend every Sunday nagging him to be with you - like he's doing YOU a favor.
Honey, what you need is the strength to break it off with him AND then stay away. You have a lot of 'sisters' out there who feel your pain and are probably thinking: "She's lucky it's only been two years."
Don't turn your two years of misguided devotion into 5, 8 or 12 years. Six break-up's don't spell out a loving relationship - but a ton of turmoil. Why would one equate love with drama?
I also have some unwelcome news for you. You are not the best thing that ever happened to him. You're too good for him. He needs someone LESS than what you are, so he can feel great about himself. He knows you're too good for him, too - and your fawning over him probably makes him feel like a fraud. He's using psychological warfare on you by holding your 'lapse' in judgment against you. He's keeping you hanging on with his words of love, but his INACTION speaks louder than words. You're smarter than that.
Jenny - it's time to start living your life. Wait for the day when a man asks YOU if you'll go hiking with him and being appreciative of your company when you say yes. Hold your head high and keep eyes straight into the present and ahead to a great tomorrow.
Best,
Bubbie
This is a BLOG - your constructive comments are welcome. Have a question for Bubbie? E-mail: dearbubbie@yahoo.com. Consultations are available in Sarasota only - coming to Skype soon.
My soon-t0-be-ex (again) is fat, selfish, has no money, complains about EVERYTHING and has no motivation to change his life.
We have been together almost two years and we've already broken up six times. According to him, each time it's been my fault. During the last break-up, I did sleep with someone he knows. Not a close friend, but a man who he sees on occasion for work.
Now HE says he will never get over my sleeping with someone else - even though I have begged for his forgiveness. (We weren't 'a couple' when it happened!!!!)
As for him, he dated during our break-ups and did everything I wanted to do with him when we were together (but he never did). He always said it was his finances or it's his only day off, he's tired. Even trying to get him to go on hiking with me was like dragging a kid to the dentist.
My question for you, Bubbie is: Why won't he forgive my one lapse that happened while we were broken up? And why won't he commit to me, even though I know he cares. He says he loves me every day. I know I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him and he'll never get anyone like me again. I'm willing to overlook his shortcomings, why won't he overlook mine?
Love,
Jenny
_________________________________________________________________
Dear Jenny,
Let's face it, you may think you 'love' him, but I think in time, you'll find that you didn't even really like him that much - despite good qualities. By the way, you failed to mention any good qualities in your letter, but I'm sure he has some or else you wouldn't be with him, right?
Overall, I say you definitely 'dodged a bullet' and you are one very lucky woman. Thank goodness, he doesn't want to commit, or you'll spend every Sunday nagging him to be with you - like he's doing YOU a favor.
Honey, what you need is the strength to break it off with him AND then stay away. You have a lot of 'sisters' out there who feel your pain and are probably thinking: "She's lucky it's only been two years."
Don't turn your two years of misguided devotion into 5, 8 or 12 years. Six break-up's don't spell out a loving relationship - but a ton of turmoil. Why would one equate love with drama?
I also have some unwelcome news for you. You are not the best thing that ever happened to him. You're too good for him. He needs someone LESS than what you are, so he can feel great about himself. He knows you're too good for him, too - and your fawning over him probably makes him feel like a fraud. He's using psychological warfare on you by holding your 'lapse' in judgment against you. He's keeping you hanging on with his words of love, but his INACTION speaks louder than words. You're smarter than that.
Jenny - it's time to start living your life. Wait for the day when a man asks YOU if you'll go hiking with him and being appreciative of your company when you say yes. Hold your head high and keep eyes straight into the present and ahead to a great tomorrow.
Best,
Bubbie
This is a BLOG - your constructive comments are welcome. Have a question for Bubbie? E-mail: dearbubbie@yahoo.com. Consultations are available in Sarasota only - coming to Skype soon.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Flash 55
The usually very happy teenaged stepdaughter had a meltdown. She lived with her Dad and Stepmom for only four months.
Forgetting the four principles, Stepmom took it personally.
"If she's not happy here, let her go home to her mother!!"
An apology followed. "I like being here," the teen said, gently.
Stepmom melted . .and learned.
Forgetting the four principles, Stepmom took it personally.
"If she's not happy here, let her go home to her mother!!"
An apology followed. "I like being here," the teen said, gently.
Stepmom melted . .and learned.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Bubbie Weighs In - Part II
(Please read Bubbie Weighs In On Weight Loss - for Rachel, first)
Bubbie checked in on Rach's blog this morning to see if she posted how her day's diet went. I was horrified to read the word FAIL in regards to her treadmill goal.
I wasn't sad that she didn't exercise, but upset that she used the word FAIL. Her attitude is defeatist and she's beating herself up like she's a terrible person.
Somehow, I think if Rach wrote down an honest pros and cons list about herself, the pros would 'outweigh' the cons 10 to 1. Yet, when one has a problem - be it boyfriend woes, money issues or simply overeats - it permeates their entire existence. All their shortcomings and problems are magnified beyond reality.
I think Rach would have been better off to write on her Treadmill log: HUMAN, rather than FAIL. Just looking at a negative word brings about one more thing to feel badly about.
Here's my plan for Rach. Let Bubbie know if any of you try it. . .
This evening, pick out your nicest outfit. Whether you're a stay-at-home Mom or an administrative assistant - dress to impress yourself! Plan jewelry and even nicer underthings.
Pull out your make-up and slather it on. For on THIS day, you are NOT overweight. We are playing pretend for one full day. That also means we don't discuss weight for 24 hours. Not a peep.
Keep your diet journal close at hand and record what you're eating. If you accidentally record 2,000 calories by 10:00am (oops!), then pretend that you allowed yourself 2,500 for the day. I believe there is no such thing as failing or messing up where it can't be offset. Here's an example:
If you dropped a vase, what would you do?
A. Let it sit on the floor in a million pieces and feel badly all day.
B. Pick it up, throw it away and start fresh (and/or)
C. Glue it back together
As a tennis player (Bubbie plays tennis!), I don't hang onto a double fault. Instead, I try to ace on my next serve. If I hit a couple of balls into the net, I'm not going to give my competitor the match, I'm going to bend lower, follow through and hit a winner.
Don't use your compulsive eating mistake as an excuse to give up for the day. You gotta fight through it.
One thing us fabulous fatties and former fatties know is HOW to lose weight. We're experts on calories and the right and wrong foods. We also know that the success to a diet doesn't begin with our stomachs, but our heads. We have to be in the proper mindset.
So start today all dolled up and gorgeous. If you start to get a negative feeling about yourself, get rid of it. Deal with it tomorrow. Today, you are a hottie!
Strut your stuff and know that anything is possible and no one - especially yourself - is going to upset your day!
Tomorrow or Saturday, we're going to look at exercise. The very word appalls me. I don't exercise. I move it, shake it and give myself a workout by having FUN. We're going to explore what your fun is that could be the jumpstart to a skinnier you.
Fail? NEVER!
With love and absolutely no calories, I remain. ..your Bubbie.
(By the way, I haven't been able to post or e-mail Rach. She doesn't even know that someone out there is rooting for her just based on her wonderful heartfelt writing. Can YOU help me contact Rach? Her blog is: I want to Lose it (for real).)
Bubbie checked in on Rach's blog this morning to see if she posted how her day's diet went. I was horrified to read the word FAIL in regards to her treadmill goal.
I wasn't sad that she didn't exercise, but upset that she used the word FAIL. Her attitude is defeatist and she's beating herself up like she's a terrible person.
Somehow, I think if Rach wrote down an honest pros and cons list about herself, the pros would 'outweigh' the cons 10 to 1. Yet, when one has a problem - be it boyfriend woes, money issues or simply overeats - it permeates their entire existence. All their shortcomings and problems are magnified beyond reality.
I think Rach would have been better off to write on her Treadmill log: HUMAN, rather than FAIL. Just looking at a negative word brings about one more thing to feel badly about.
Here's my plan for Rach. Let Bubbie know if any of you try it. . .
This evening, pick out your nicest outfit. Whether you're a stay-at-home Mom or an administrative assistant - dress to impress yourself! Plan jewelry and even nicer underthings.
Pull out your make-up and slather it on. For on THIS day, you are NOT overweight. We are playing pretend for one full day. That also means we don't discuss weight for 24 hours. Not a peep.
Keep your diet journal close at hand and record what you're eating. If you accidentally record 2,000 calories by 10:00am (oops!), then pretend that you allowed yourself 2,500 for the day. I believe there is no such thing as failing or messing up where it can't be offset. Here's an example:
If you dropped a vase, what would you do?
A. Let it sit on the floor in a million pieces and feel badly all day.
B. Pick it up, throw it away and start fresh (and/or)
C. Glue it back together
As a tennis player (Bubbie plays tennis!), I don't hang onto a double fault. Instead, I try to ace on my next serve. If I hit a couple of balls into the net, I'm not going to give my competitor the match, I'm going to bend lower, follow through and hit a winner.
Don't use your compulsive eating mistake as an excuse to give up for the day. You gotta fight through it.
One thing us fabulous fatties and former fatties know is HOW to lose weight. We're experts on calories and the right and wrong foods. We also know that the success to a diet doesn't begin with our stomachs, but our heads. We have to be in the proper mindset.
So start today all dolled up and gorgeous. If you start to get a negative feeling about yourself, get rid of it. Deal with it tomorrow. Today, you are a hottie!
Strut your stuff and know that anything is possible and no one - especially yourself - is going to upset your day!
Tomorrow or Saturday, we're going to look at exercise. The very word appalls me. I don't exercise. I move it, shake it and give myself a workout by having FUN. We're going to explore what your fun is that could be the jumpstart to a skinnier you.
Fail? NEVER!
With love and absolutely no calories, I remain. ..your Bubbie.
(By the way, I haven't been able to post or e-mail Rach. She doesn't even know that someone out there is rooting for her just based on her wonderful heartfelt writing. Can YOU help me contact Rach? Her blog is: I want to Lose it (for real).)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Bubbie Weighs in on Weight Loss - for Rachel
Bubbie's heart breaks in two for those who struggle with weight loss. I know the joy of eating and giving into temptation - only to feel sick about the decision later.
Of course our downfall is most likely the compulsive eating that comes from an unexpected culinary masterpiece that falls within our reach (and later, our thighs). I've always had the attitude that I could get hit by a car tomorrow or life is short - I'm not passing by the prime rib. I'll diet tomorrow.
The fact is that as Americans - we're lucky. We aren't starving in Africa; we have the opposite problem - too much consumption which leads to unwanted, unhealthy pounds.
If we eat the prime rib tonight and start our diets tomorrow, the next day's temptation will dare us to take a bite - be it macaroni and cheese (hello Rach) or birthday cake.
I have so many favorite foods. I don't want to make myself miserable by not eating or make myself even more depressed if I do (because I've exceeded my calorie 'budget').
I have two suggestions to kick-start a plan. We've all heard this term before: Food substitution. I'm a believer, but with a twist.
Start by filling your freezer with Lean Cuisines (or other calorie-restrictive frozen dinner). IF meatloaf is on the menu - take a teeeeeeeny portion of your calorie-laden meatloaf and throw it into your Lean Cuisine portion. Instead of consuming 800 calories at one meal, you'll be closer to 500 by adding the small portion to your 300 calorie frozen dinner. You can not feel sad or deprived - you got a good portion of dinner and got to eat the good stuff as well.
Also - and we all know this - be careful of salad dressing, cheese and croutons on top. Don't even think of eating a salad if you're going to corrupt it with calories. Maybe it's healthier than a HoHo, but if I'm going to consume the calories, pass me the Hostess cupcakes. So please, for Bubbie - if you're going to eat a salad - don't make it into calorie chaos.
We can get into snack substitutes, but for now, grab the 100-calorie Orville Redenbacher popcorn. Eat that after an apple if you like to eat non-stop.
Finally, you can do great on the food, but the calories in what we drink can sabotage all good intentions.
Let's do this diet in three-day intervals, rather than I'm going to Vegas in 30 days. Make it to Day Three and then go for another three days.
If there's a food you MUST have, save it for the next day and allow the extra calories by cutting back on lunch. You can eat a steak and still lose weight. Cut a reasonable portion size (and throw the rest down the sink). You can make what seems to be a no-no food as part of your weight-loss plan.
I'll be posting a follow-up for a Day Two plan that I think will work just for you. It's actually a fun plan that includes fantasy!
Please tell me you feel better already. Bubbie does.
Of course our downfall is most likely the compulsive eating that comes from an unexpected culinary masterpiece that falls within our reach (and later, our thighs). I've always had the attitude that I could get hit by a car tomorrow or life is short - I'm not passing by the prime rib. I'll diet tomorrow.
The fact is that as Americans - we're lucky. We aren't starving in Africa; we have the opposite problem - too much consumption which leads to unwanted, unhealthy pounds.
If we eat the prime rib tonight and start our diets tomorrow, the next day's temptation will dare us to take a bite - be it macaroni and cheese (hello Rach) or birthday cake.
I have so many favorite foods. I don't want to make myself miserable by not eating or make myself even more depressed if I do (because I've exceeded my calorie 'budget').
I have two suggestions to kick-start a plan. We've all heard this term before: Food substitution. I'm a believer, but with a twist.
Start by filling your freezer with Lean Cuisines (or other calorie-restrictive frozen dinner). IF meatloaf is on the menu - take a teeeeeeeny portion of your calorie-laden meatloaf and throw it into your Lean Cuisine portion. Instead of consuming 800 calories at one meal, you'll be closer to 500 by adding the small portion to your 300 calorie frozen dinner. You can not feel sad or deprived - you got a good portion of dinner and got to eat the good stuff as well.
Also - and we all know this - be careful of salad dressing, cheese and croutons on top. Don't even think of eating a salad if you're going to corrupt it with calories. Maybe it's healthier than a HoHo, but if I'm going to consume the calories, pass me the Hostess cupcakes. So please, for Bubbie - if you're going to eat a salad - don't make it into calorie chaos.
We can get into snack substitutes, but for now, grab the 100-calorie Orville Redenbacher popcorn. Eat that after an apple if you like to eat non-stop.
Finally, you can do great on the food, but the calories in what we drink can sabotage all good intentions.
Let's do this diet in three-day intervals, rather than I'm going to Vegas in 30 days. Make it to Day Three and then go for another three days.
If there's a food you MUST have, save it for the next day and allow the extra calories by cutting back on lunch. You can eat a steak and still lose weight. Cut a reasonable portion size (and throw the rest down the sink). You can make what seems to be a no-no food as part of your weight-loss plan.
I'll be posting a follow-up for a Day Two plan that I think will work just for you. It's actually a fun plan that includes fantasy!
Please tell me you feel better already. Bubbie does.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Bubbie Blasts Off On Balloon Boy
(Looking forward to your comments - like-minded or otherwise!)
While regular programming was being interrupted for a flying homemade contraption with a six-year old boy possibly aboard, Bubbie's red flags went up.
On message boards and social networks, blame was immediately placed on the parents. Those thoughts were usually followed up with a comment "not to judge", as being a parent is harder work than it looks.
Whether one responded emotionally, angrily or logically, I was among those who were cynical. They were participants in the "Wife Swap" show - where a family's agenda lies with needing the money to promoting a product or service they provide.
(Question for Bubbie reader's: Would you appear on Wife Swap, and if so, why?")
I watched the newscasts of the Heenie family's plight with their mushroom balloon/spacecraft/jiffy pop container and alerted Facebook friends that this is indeed a publicity-seeking hoax. I wanted to be FIRST to expose this spouting of hot air at ground level.
Later that evening, watching Wolf Blitzer interview the father (along with the squirming, fidgeting kids), I knew something wasn't ringing true. When the six-year old said: "We did it for the show" - it wasn't the nonsense that the father followed up with that struck me. It was the reaction of one of the brothers, who's eyes widened like a deer caught in the headlight. His lips pursed together tightly as if to say: "He wasn't supposed to say that!!!"
When Wolf continued on with the interview without digging for what that meant - and journalists know what I'm saying - I changed the channel. I wasn't going to be duped or played a fool. I crucified Wolf Blitzer and CNN to my husband and online friends. My 15 year old step-daughter wisely retreated to her room.
The next morning on national television, the poor kid is throwing up, while the mother just sits. If my dog threw up, I'd be running to his side, holding back his ears!
That evening, Jane Velez-Mitchell of CNN had a psychologist on discussing Balloon Boy. She said:
"It's very unlikely this is a hoax. Unless the 911 call was some of the best acting I've ever heard. No, I don't think it was a hoax."
I'm wondering when the National Enquirer is going to break out the experts on body language and voice levels that detect truth or lie.
However, where I firmly stand, with my two feet on the solid ground - the Heenie family is truly "out there".
Your comments are welcome to burst my bubble.
Love,
Bubbie
While regular programming was being interrupted for a flying homemade contraption with a six-year old boy possibly aboard, Bubbie's red flags went up.
On message boards and social networks, blame was immediately placed on the parents. Those thoughts were usually followed up with a comment "not to judge", as being a parent is harder work than it looks.
Whether one responded emotionally, angrily or logically, I was among those who were cynical. They were participants in the "Wife Swap" show - where a family's agenda lies with needing the money to promoting a product or service they provide.
(Question for Bubbie reader's: Would you appear on Wife Swap, and if so, why?")
I watched the newscasts of the Heenie family's plight with their mushroom balloon/spacecraft/jiffy pop container and alerted Facebook friends that this is indeed a publicity-seeking hoax. I wanted to be FIRST to expose this spouting of hot air at ground level.
Later that evening, watching Wolf Blitzer interview the father (along with the squirming, fidgeting kids), I knew something wasn't ringing true. When the six-year old said: "We did it for the show" - it wasn't the nonsense that the father followed up with that struck me. It was the reaction of one of the brothers, who's eyes widened like a deer caught in the headlight. His lips pursed together tightly as if to say: "He wasn't supposed to say that!!!"
When Wolf continued on with the interview without digging for what that meant - and journalists know what I'm saying - I changed the channel. I wasn't going to be duped or played a fool. I crucified Wolf Blitzer and CNN to my husband and online friends. My 15 year old step-daughter wisely retreated to her room.
The next morning on national television, the poor kid is throwing up, while the mother just sits. If my dog threw up, I'd be running to his side, holding back his ears!
That evening, Jane Velez-Mitchell of CNN had a psychologist on discussing Balloon Boy. She said:
"It's very unlikely this is a hoax. Unless the 911 call was some of the best acting I've ever heard. No, I don't think it was a hoax."
I'm wondering when the National Enquirer is going to break out the experts on body language and voice levels that detect truth or lie.
However, where I firmly stand, with my two feet on the solid ground - the Heenie family is truly "out there".
Your comments are welcome to burst my bubble.
Love,
Bubbie
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Flash 55
Sixth grader Sara saved her red dress for this special field trip. She could hardly contain her excitement!
The teacher commanded that the students walk in rows of two as they left the school grounds.
Twenty joyful children crossed the street, while an overweight girl trudged alone - with a sad face, dressed in red.
The teacher commanded that the students walk in rows of two as they left the school grounds.
Twenty joyful children crossed the street, while an overweight girl trudged alone - with a sad face, dressed in red.
Cindy Replies!
Because Cindy and I have talked about a week and a half after I received her first letter, I received this follow-up e-mail yesterday. I think you'll be interested in hearing what has happened since she initially wrote her first e-mail. Here it is:
Dear Bubbie,
Not only am I one not to be pitied, but I deserve better than a man who won't consider my feelings. He is placing the "Importance of Joan" above me.
Your reply made me cry. Then I got mad. I don't need to 'wean' myself off of him. I went to his house, left his credit card on a table and wrote a letter: "I'm done. Don't call me, call Joan."
I feel such relief. I feel a new beginning - like I'm the sun coming out after a grey day. But, I'm also shaky and scared. Maybe I'm afraid to be alone?
I'm scheduling an appointment with you - I think for reinforcement more than anything. Maybe if I believe, like you do, Bubbie - then I really will meet my soul mate.
Affectionately yours,
Cindy
Dear Bubbie,
Not only am I one not to be pitied, but I deserve better than a man who won't consider my feelings. He is placing the "Importance of Joan" above me.
Your reply made me cry. Then I got mad. I don't need to 'wean' myself off of him. I went to his house, left his credit card on a table and wrote a letter: "I'm done. Don't call me, call Joan."
I feel such relief. I feel a new beginning - like I'm the sun coming out after a grey day. But, I'm also shaky and scared. Maybe I'm afraid to be alone?
I'm scheduling an appointment with you - I think for reinforcement more than anything. Maybe if I believe, like you do, Bubbie - then I really will meet my soul mate.
Affectionately yours,
Cindy
Dear Bubbie,
I've been dating a man for a year and a half. He's an attorney with a beautiful beach house. His friends and family say they've never seen his so happy and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.
He loves my dogs and they love him.
Bubbie, we spend every night together at his house and in the mornings, he brings me breakfast in bed. But, here's the problem:
When he was previously married, that marriage broke up because he was sleeping with another woman. We'll call her Joan. Joan has recently remarried to a wealthy architect. Well, guess what? She's still in the picture.
She calls him at work, they've met for lunch and she'll call him on his cell phone. I know she calls the house, too - but when she knows I'm not there. Once, he started to play his voice mails while I was there and as soon as her voice came on, he deleted it.
He says nothing is going on and I'm being jealous. My friends all think I can do better. What do you say, Bubbie?
Cindy
___________________________________________________________________
Dear Cindy,
I took the liberty of e-mailing you to get more information. And I'd like to pass the info I learned about you to our readers:
Cindy is 54 and her beau is 62. She is even-keeled. He is, too - until he starts drinking and gets mean. Cindy says she just ignores him when he's had too much to drink. She is not interested in him for his money, because she actually helped support her last boyfriend. She also is financially well-off (through hard work, I might add!).
Cindy also sent a photo of herself. She is very slim and has long straight brown hair. I'd say she easily looks 10 years younger. Married once many years ago, she's a college graduate, from a well-to-do family of physicians.
Okay, Cindy - here's Bubbie's question for you: What are you thinking? You want solid proof that he's cheating or else you'll keep staying? Hire a private detective if you need to, but that's beside the point. Why be with a man you don't trust? And he isn't trustworthy, with his high school antics of clandestine phone calls. If this man really loved you, he would and could easily cut it off with this other woman. Or at the least, include you in the friendship. Instead, you're the outsider.
How embarrassing and humiliating, Cindy! You tell me your friends tell you to dump him. When you look at their faces do you sense that they feel sorry for you? Do you really want to be in a relationship where others pity you?
Honey, I know how hard it is to let go - especially when your self-esteem is taking a beating. (His accusations that you're jealous of a home wrecker?? It doesn't get much lower than that.)
Please try to wean yourself off of him. Instead of seeing him every night, cut back to four times a week. Bubbie wishes you could just break if off completely with him, but I think part of your problem is that you think this is your last chance at love. You're desperate to make this work.
I know that the quicker you get rid of this self-centered jerk, the sooner you'll meet your true soul mate. You're so lucky and fortunate to have the whole package. If your brain can't grasp that, Bubbie can't help you and recommends counseling.
I've been dating a man for a year and a half. He's an attorney with a beautiful beach house. His friends and family say they've never seen his so happy and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.
He loves my dogs and they love him.
Bubbie, we spend every night together at his house and in the mornings, he brings me breakfast in bed. But, here's the problem:
When he was previously married, that marriage broke up because he was sleeping with another woman. We'll call her Joan. Joan has recently remarried to a wealthy architect. Well, guess what? She's still in the picture.
She calls him at work, they've met for lunch and she'll call him on his cell phone. I know she calls the house, too - but when she knows I'm not there. Once, he started to play his voice mails while I was there and as soon as her voice came on, he deleted it.
He says nothing is going on and I'm being jealous. My friends all think I can do better. What do you say, Bubbie?
Cindy
___________________________________________________________________
Dear Cindy,
I took the liberty of e-mailing you to get more information. And I'd like to pass the info I learned about you to our readers:
Cindy is 54 and her beau is 62. She is even-keeled. He is, too - until he starts drinking and gets mean. Cindy says she just ignores him when he's had too much to drink. She is not interested in him for his money, because she actually helped support her last boyfriend. She also is financially well-off (through hard work, I might add!).
Cindy also sent a photo of herself. She is very slim and has long straight brown hair. I'd say she easily looks 10 years younger. Married once many years ago, she's a college graduate, from a well-to-do family of physicians.
Okay, Cindy - here's Bubbie's question for you: What are you thinking? You want solid proof that he's cheating or else you'll keep staying? Hire a private detective if you need to, but that's beside the point. Why be with a man you don't trust? And he isn't trustworthy, with his high school antics of clandestine phone calls. If this man really loved you, he would and could easily cut it off with this other woman. Or at the least, include you in the friendship. Instead, you're the outsider.
How embarrassing and humiliating, Cindy! You tell me your friends tell you to dump him. When you look at their faces do you sense that they feel sorry for you? Do you really want to be in a relationship where others pity you?
Honey, I know how hard it is to let go - especially when your self-esteem is taking a beating. (His accusations that you're jealous of a home wrecker?? It doesn't get much lower than that.)
Please try to wean yourself off of him. Instead of seeing him every night, cut back to four times a week. Bubbie wishes you could just break if off completely with him, but I think part of your problem is that you think this is your last chance at love. You're desperate to make this work.
I know that the quicker you get rid of this self-centered jerk, the sooner you'll meet your true soul mate. You're so lucky and fortunate to have the whole package. If your brain can't grasp that, Bubbie can't help you and recommends counseling.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Strictly Platonic
Dear Bubbie,
I live alone and really don't want to upset my life by adding a woman into it. I'm happy, but would like someone to go to the mountains with, eat out with and go to the movies. So, I went to Craigslist Strictly Platonic category and found my answer that I want to share with your blogger friends.
Nothing is ever going to happen if you don't first meet your best friend. You have to be best friends before you get married. So, I met this woman. She's 5'7 and only 126 pounds. She doesn't have the best face. She's older, you know. I'm 59, she's 54.
So, on our first date we could be totally ourselves. Our platonic date lasted four hours. A wonderful time of talking and being honest. Although, she lied about her age. I told her no more lies after that. After all - we're buds!
Our second date, we went hiking and she said her breasts were cold. I told her to take off her top and let the sun warm her up. This turned into sex and it was great.
A week later, I called her and we went to an afternoon matinee. We sat in the back row and I don't know what happened for twenty minutes of the movie. We went at it again.
I am now involved in the most perfect relationship of my life. There's no BS. It's strictly platonic. We're buds. No pressure! I can end this any way I want - since we're just friends. No promises. I wanted to share this wonderful experience with you.
Lonnie
Dear Lon,
Boy, your e-mail started so good! You did get rather graphic, which I edited for the sake of this blog. It appears that she is aiming to please. You didn't ask Bubbie for advice, but I will put in my two cents.
Most men believe that this woman is just "having fun" or in an unhappy marriage. "Men do this all the time," is a comment I received from a man. "Why can't a woman just be in it for the sex?"
I think it's because we're not built that way. There are all kinds of reasons we have sex - and some reasons may involve a non-committal relationship, but I think what we all really want is validation and love. I worry that this woman may have an agenda. And, not to burst your bubble, but be aware, that you're not the first she has done this with and there may be others she's doing this with at the same time. You have pointed out that you and she have not practiced safe sex. That is beyond worrisome.
You sound quite excited by finding the answer to your loneliness, so I'd feel better knowing that you play it safer. And I'm not only talking physically. Lonnie, do me a favor. Do an online background check on your Craigslist conquest. It usually runs only $45.00. And watch her neediness if it comes to money.
I'm using your letter, because you are sincere. And I'm sincere in hoping that you find something that better resembles a loving relationship that eliminates your loneliness. Friend with benefits usually leaves one party damaged.
Best, Bubbie.
If you have a question for Bubbie, e-mail: DearBubbie@yahoo.com. We'll print your letter if we think others can benefit from your situation. Please no pornography and we all letters remain anonymous.
I live alone and really don't want to upset my life by adding a woman into it. I'm happy, but would like someone to go to the mountains with, eat out with and go to the movies. So, I went to Craigslist Strictly Platonic category and found my answer that I want to share with your blogger friends.
Nothing is ever going to happen if you don't first meet your best friend. You have to be best friends before you get married. So, I met this woman. She's 5'7 and only 126 pounds. She doesn't have the best face. She's older, you know. I'm 59, she's 54.
So, on our first date we could be totally ourselves. Our platonic date lasted four hours. A wonderful time of talking and being honest. Although, she lied about her age. I told her no more lies after that. After all - we're buds!
Our second date, we went hiking and she said her breasts were cold. I told her to take off her top and let the sun warm her up. This turned into sex and it was great.
A week later, I called her and we went to an afternoon matinee. We sat in the back row and I don't know what happened for twenty minutes of the movie. We went at it again.
I am now involved in the most perfect relationship of my life. There's no BS. It's strictly platonic. We're buds. No pressure! I can end this any way I want - since we're just friends. No promises. I wanted to share this wonderful experience with you.
Lonnie
Dear Lon,
Boy, your e-mail started so good! You did get rather graphic, which I edited for the sake of this blog. It appears that she is aiming to please. You didn't ask Bubbie for advice, but I will put in my two cents.
Most men believe that this woman is just "having fun" or in an unhappy marriage. "Men do this all the time," is a comment I received from a man. "Why can't a woman just be in it for the sex?"
I think it's because we're not built that way. There are all kinds of reasons we have sex - and some reasons may involve a non-committal relationship, but I think what we all really want is validation and love. I worry that this woman may have an agenda. And, not to burst your bubble, but be aware, that you're not the first she has done this with and there may be others she's doing this with at the same time. You have pointed out that you and she have not practiced safe sex. That is beyond worrisome.
You sound quite excited by finding the answer to your loneliness, so I'd feel better knowing that you play it safer. And I'm not only talking physically. Lonnie, do me a favor. Do an online background check on your Craigslist conquest. It usually runs only $45.00. And watch her neediness if it comes to money.
I'm using your letter, because you are sincere. And I'm sincere in hoping that you find something that better resembles a loving relationship that eliminates your loneliness. Friend with benefits usually leaves one party damaged.
Best, Bubbie.
If you have a question for Bubbie, e-mail: DearBubbie@yahoo.com. We'll print your letter if we think others can benefit from your situation. Please no pornography and we all letters remain anonymous.
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Janet - excellent point! So, let's start with something SHE does have control over - the GUY! There is nothing like a wishy-washy man, who wants to keep a woman at bay, while he looks around for a greener pasture. He leads her on so he doesn't lose her and somehow gets away with terrible behavior that is damaging to her self-esteem. What in the... See More HECK would you want with a man who wants to be free to see others? Is that in your description of your perfect man? His inability to commit to only you SPEAKS LOUDER than his words. Are you in too deep to dump him? Break it off with this indecisive man. If this were love, he wouldn't do this to you. THIS you are in control over. Doing the holidays ALONE beats "doing the guy" and then hoping he doesn't have a date for New Year's Eve.
Yesterday
A guy that dates other women and is telling you how amazing you are, is talking out of both sides of his mouth. He will say enough to keep you hooked, but not give enough to get hooked. Not necessarily a bad guy, but self-centered and certainly not ready yet for the relationship you're looking for
Yes, Antonio, there is and I have been biting my tongue for days. I have learned my lesson and will repent...possibly soon. But, until that time, I will politely raise my hand (and blood pressure) and chime in. I am not entirely sure what Antonio means by "compliments". Do you actually mean "complements"? "Goes well together" rather than to "say ... See Moresomething pleasing to another"? While nice, I do not need someone to compliment me and I hope and pray that I have enough self-esteem to keep it that way. I do, however, want/need someone that "complements" me and vice versa. Which brings me to my point...It seems VERY clear to me that "he" (and that will be addressed next) has been EXTREMELY honest with you from jump street. I quote.."he's made it clear he's not looking for anything serious & is seeing other people BUT he fights the fact that he really likes me more than he wants to." The only "facts" you seem to have presented here are that he has made it clear he wants to see other people, but he does enjoy dating you. I am fairly confident you are "assuming" that he likes you more than he wants to...Finally, before I lose the last bit of sanity I have left, the WHOLE discussion should have started out by being "non-gender specific"!! You young ladies are just as guilty, if not more, than the guys are of being misleading and "out looking for greener pastures"...Final thought...I still don't understand why A PERSON can go out with a lot of PEOPLE and still have an amazing time with you....Banished (or soon will be) Bubbie
So many good Bubbie comments, I'm not sure I can add anything ~ except that I understand matters of the heart as I am facing the holidays with challenges as well. The two things that help me the very most have had the most powerful effect on me whenever I am faced with a struggle:1) What do I have control over? This issue has been adequately addressed with regards to the "boy". We are not privy to the details of this relationship, so making concrete suggestions may be difficult. Suffice it to say, however, you must look out for yourself...no one will do it for you in the end. If the relationship is meant to be ~ it will survive you honoring your own goals and intentions. If you do not wish to be the "fall back" girl, let go of this man. Damn is it ever hard to do ~ I speak with a HEAP of experience right now. If it is a commitment you want, he is not the man for you ~ at least not now. Antonio took the words out of my mouth, "actions speak louder than words".2) When you are overwhelmed and awash with emotions that break your heart ~ get out of yourself. Do something kind for another person. There is someone that is hurting more than you, there always is. Extend your hand and help that person in anyway you see fit. It is the very best suggestion I can offer to help remove the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that come from your message to Bubbie. What can you do to honor the memory of your friend that has passed on? What does your friend with the baby need? A meal brought in? A few hours to herself? What can you do to help her?... See MoreThat is what I have for today. That and the Serenity Prayer ~ I revert to that on a frequent basis to remind myself that I only have control over me.